Hi, I am txbabe1964. I am new here and just lost. I have a great husband. For 32 years my bf. we had to start raising 4 grandkids 6 years ago. Do to our daughter having ptsd and getting on drugs from it. I lost my mom out of the blue, and so goes our life. Because of this, according to him, he now drinks Every night. At least 4 tall boys, normally much more, and not to mention the bottles of wine he buys for me that I never get. I dont even know the last time I had any alcohol, at least 2 years. when hes sober, he beds me to help him, which I gladly do, even went to the doctor with him about it, and he got meds, which he only took 2 weeks. When he drinks hes an ass. So much so that of course he wants sex, but I cannot stand him, so I either lie there or tell him no, which makes it worse. And of course all of these problems are my fault. Idk what to do anymore. I know youve all heard this before...help.
JerryF said
Aug 25, 2019
Aloha TxBabe and welcome to the family...glad you found us and that you found the courage to share. Yes we have been there...some not as bad and some worse but our stories are important to us and what has motivated to find and use help given to us by the Al-Anon Family Groups, AA and other 12step and tradition meetings. The experiences of others who have come before us and left us with their Experiences, Strengths and Hope along with us finding a Power Greater than Ourselves has brought so many of us sanity and the courage to change what we need to change in ourselves.
I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism and addiction and didn't know what it was or how it was affecting me or what to do about it until I reached the doors of Al-Anon and AA. That is what worked for me and still does and from that I can suggest you check out local meetings in your area and the Al-Anon Literature and the fellowship. This works when we work it and it took me so very long to finally arrived at the surrender necessary to get over my rage and anger and want to sit down and listen with an open mind, learn and then practice, practice, practice.
I will drop off for a while and let more of this family come to your attention. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))...
bud said
Aug 25, 2019
Hi and welcome TxBabe you're in the right place. All what Jerry said
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm glad you're aware to know what he says doesn't make sense and isn't true.
Keep coming here - read and post; go to face to face meetings and get a sponsor to walk you through the steps. Alanon is the only place that I found could give me the support and skills to deal with the affects of addiction and improve our perspectives with a goal of enjoying life.
Bo said
Aug 25, 2019
Welcome...if you have made a decision to go to face to face alanon meetings, then you are in a safe place, and the right place. That said, go to face to face meetings. Go to as many and as often as you can. Inside those rooms, you will find people who have seen what you are seeing, have heard what you are hearing, and have gone through what you are going through...and they've gotten through it...successfully. In today's day and age, with texting, chatrooms, emails, and every other form of communication -- other than face to face, intimate interpersonal -- there seems to be not only a complacency, but an attraction to the impersonal. Be that as it may -- face to face meetings is the first step in you getting better. Meeting makers make it.
Why your husband is drinking might be an issue for him to address. Unfortunately, it's not an issue for you to address -- as it's not your issue, and you can't address it. Why? Because it is up to him. The alcoholic will not stop drinking UNLESS and UNTIL they want to...and while I don't expect any beginner or newcomer to readily accept and embrace that statement, nor the next one...Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make that day come about quicker, sooner, or at all! I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, and please don't mistake my bottom lining as being insensitive. I am not. Exactly the opposite actually. It took me 5 years to arrive at that conclusion, and yes, I had to do it on my own and in my time. When I was ready, I learned. When I was ready, I was ready. However, it was 5 years of incredible, unbearable, intolerable pain. It doesn't matter why he drinks. You cannot apply logic to an illogical person and situation. The more you try and figure it out -- the more you will drive yourself crazy.
Being blamed, all of it being your fault, the deflection, denial, lying, begging, blame, guilt, asinine behavior, all of it, everything -- is part of the disease and the byproducts of it.
Go to meetings. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work. Start learning, start making change. You can and will get better. Keep going back (to face to face meetings). All the best.
hotrod said
Aug 26, 2019
Welcome Glad rhat you found us and had the courage to reach out. You are not alone.
Please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. We believe that this is a disease over which we are powerless. Attending meetings, reading the powerful literature. interacting with like minded fellows helps to develop new tools to live by.
Please do keep coming back
Iamhere said
Aug 26, 2019
Welcome to MIP txbabe - so glad you found us and so glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a chronic disease, also considered a family disease as most who live with it or love one with it are affected. I too would suggest you seek out and attend meetings - you will find that you are not alone, there is hope and help!
If you area doesn't have F2F (Face to Face) meetings, there are meetings here (look to the top left for the schedule/link) twice daily as well as other online meetings and phone meetings. I know when I was raising 2 small kids, online connection with others in recovery saved me many, many times. I do live in a community with many meetings offered, yet had a traveling job, a traveling husband and 2 kids - getting out wasn't always an option when my schedule was free.
Any effort you make in embracing recovery is better than no effort at all....we practice keeping the focus on self by using all the tools - meetings, literature, sponsor, service work, etc. There is no right way to start recovery yet most do start with local meetings. You might find more good-to-know information at the official Al-Anon website. It's also a great place to find local resources (meetings, hotline, etc.)
Please keep coming back here too - you are not alone! I too am sorry for your loss and can relate to what you feel/shared. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful - it's reach is incredibly large. Take good care of you, you are worth it!
milkwood said
Aug 27, 2019
Welcome Txbabe, warm welcomes to this wonderful place.
That is a lot going on, phew!! And you've already had some great posts from the lovely people on this board. I am relating to the loss of your mother as I read your post...
Ten years ago, as my own mother was dying, my husband's drinking and horrid behaviour seemed to get worse. That still makes me feel a bit mad at him!! Looking back now I can see how, while I tried to adjust to the loneliness I was feeling, my boundaries became weaker than they normally would have been - probably quite normal given the circumstances. I also wanted 'things to be fixed' - lord knows I needed something to go right!!
In some ways things did go right, although it didn't feel like it at the time, because I had to learn how to take care of myself, to put myself first and to trust my instincts - that was a new lesson for me! Yes, if my husband stopped drinking things would have been so much easier - but he clearly wasn't going to until it was right for him. So what to do in the meantime?
I took it gently, was kind to myself and resolved to protect and then nurture the grieving daughter that was me.
It was very counter intuitive for me to start saying 'no' or 'not now' or 'I can't help you' but one of the thoughts that helped me was that if my husband ever did stop drinking and went back to being his loving self I would prefer to be pleased about it. However my sense was that I would, more likely, be brimming with so much stored up anger and resentment that I would not be able to welcoming him back as well as I'd like to.
So taking care of me turned out to be in the best interests of both of us. Like a typical spouse of an alcoholic my motivation was somewhat squiffy but this thinking did help me to become more honest with myself and, in turn, with my husband. I even applied to, and was accepted, to study at university - something that I had missed out on when I was younger. Yay!!! Sometimes, putting up temporary boundaries can be a really loving thing to do.
Its such a wonderful feeling to find others that understand - I hope my story doesn't scare you or seem inappropriate, we all have our own unique circumstances and ways of doing things. I hope face to face meetings and reading and posting here can help you as much as they helped me. It can and does get better. (((((Hugs))))))
newnoz said
Aug 28, 2019
Hi
From my POV you have no reason to be embarrassed. That doesn't mean I didn't experience that at some points in my Al-Anon journey. Matter of fact, it can seem like falling down the rabbit hole when one first encounters love and acceptance after so much pain and rejection.
I still recall the hell on earth that my first marriage was like in bed. I didn't know if I was coming or going and I was so defensive. It felt like I was wrong but I wasn't comfortable with sex because I wasn't comfortable with him anymore. I know now that an illness was in bed with us. While I could see his problem, I couldn't see my own.
It took a lot to get me in a meeting but from the point where I committed to those six meetings, I felt better. I was moving in a better direction. I hope you try it. When you get better he may decide he needs a change too. No promises on him but I have seen so many people recovering, happier, open, no longer ashamed or afraid. They loved me and I now love them. That may seem extravagant but that is my truth now.
I have a long way to go and I intend on going on. Now is better than then.
You have my complete support if you want it.
Nora G
Maresie888 said
Aug 31, 2019
Glad you are here I have been a grateful member of al.anon for over 10 years
I.find it grounding humbling and a huge source if stability for me
There are many many tools as use in al.anon. leaning how to detach, learning to focus on ourselves and most of all learning self care
I hope you will choose to delve into this program. I know it was the best decision I ever made
Maresie
Aloha TxBabe and welcome to the family...glad you found us and that you found the courage to share. Yes we have been there...some not as bad and some worse but our stories are important to us and what has motivated to find and use help given to us by the Al-Anon Family Groups, AA and other 12step and tradition meetings. The experiences of others who have come before us and left us with their Experiences, Strengths and Hope along with us finding a Power Greater than Ourselves has brought so many of us sanity and the courage to change what we need to change in ourselves.
I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism and addiction and didn't know what it was or how it was affecting me or what to do about it until I reached the doors of Al-Anon and AA. That is what worked for me and still does and from that I can suggest you check out local meetings in your area and the Al-Anon Literature and the fellowship. This works when we work it and it took me so very long to finally arrived at the surrender necessary to get over my rage and anger and want to sit down and listen with an open mind, learn and then practice, practice, practice.
I will drop off for a while and let more of this family come to your attention. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))...
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm glad you're aware to know what he says doesn't make sense and isn't true.
Keep coming here - read and post; go to face to face meetings and get a sponsor to walk you through the steps. Alanon is the only place that I found could give me the support and skills to deal with the affects of addiction and improve our perspectives with a goal of enjoying life.
Why your husband is drinking might be an issue for him to address. Unfortunately, it's not an issue for you to address -- as it's not your issue, and you can't address it. Why? Because it is up to him. The alcoholic will not stop drinking UNLESS and UNTIL they want to...and while I don't expect any beginner or newcomer to readily accept and embrace that statement, nor the next one...Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make that day come about quicker, sooner, or at all! I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, and please don't mistake my bottom lining as being insensitive. I am not. Exactly the opposite actually. It took me 5 years to arrive at that conclusion, and yes, I had to do it on my own and in my time. When I was ready, I learned. When I was ready, I was ready. However, it was 5 years of incredible, unbearable, intolerable pain. It doesn't matter why he drinks. You cannot apply logic to an illogical person and situation. The more you try and figure it out -- the more you will drive yourself crazy.
Being blamed, all of it being your fault, the deflection, denial, lying, begging, blame, guilt, asinine behavior, all of it, everything -- is part of the disease and the byproducts of it.
Go to meetings. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work. Start learning, start making change. You can and will get better. Keep going back (to face to face meetings). All the best.
Welcome Glad rhat you found us and had the courage to reach out. You are not alone.
Please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. We believe that this is a disease over which we are powerless. Attending meetings, reading the powerful literature. interacting with like minded fellows helps to develop new tools to live by.
Please do keep coming back
If you area doesn't have F2F (Face to Face) meetings, there are meetings here (look to the top left for the schedule/link) twice daily as well as other online meetings and phone meetings. I know when I was raising 2 small kids, online connection with others in recovery saved me many, many times. I do live in a community with many meetings offered, yet had a traveling job, a traveling husband and 2 kids - getting out wasn't always an option when my schedule was free.
Any effort you make in embracing recovery is better than no effort at all....we practice keeping the focus on self by using all the tools - meetings, literature, sponsor, service work, etc. There is no right way to start recovery yet most do start with local meetings. You might find more good-to-know information at the official Al-Anon website. It's also a great place to find local resources (meetings, hotline, etc.)
Please keep coming back here too - you are not alone! I too am sorry for your loss and can relate to what you feel/shared. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful - it's reach is incredibly large. Take good care of you, you are worth it!
That is a lot going on, phew!! And you've already had some great posts from the lovely people on this board. I am relating to the loss of your mother as I read your post...
Ten years ago, as my own mother was dying, my husband's drinking and horrid behaviour seemed to get worse. That still makes me feel a bit mad at him!! Looking back now I can see how, while I tried to adjust to the loneliness I was feeling, my boundaries became weaker than they normally would have been - probably quite normal given the circumstances. I also wanted 'things to be fixed' - lord knows I needed something to go right!!
In some ways things did go right, although it didn't feel like it at the time, because I had to learn how to take care of myself, to put myself first and to trust my instincts - that was a new lesson for me! Yes, if my husband stopped drinking things would have been so much easier - but he clearly wasn't going to until it was right for him. So what to do in the meantime?
I took it gently, was kind to myself and resolved to protect and then nurture the grieving daughter that was me.
It was very counter intuitive for me to start saying 'no' or 'not now' or 'I can't help you' but one of the thoughts that helped me was that if my husband ever did stop drinking and went back to being his loving self I would prefer to be pleased about it. However my sense was that I would, more likely, be brimming with so much stored up anger and resentment that I would not be able to welcoming him back as well as I'd like to.
So taking care of me turned out to be in the best interests of both of us. Like a typical spouse of an alcoholic my motivation was somewhat squiffy but this thinking did help me to become more honest with myself and, in turn, with my husband. I even applied to, and was accepted, to study at university - something that I had missed out on when I was younger. Yay!!! Sometimes, putting up temporary boundaries can be a really loving thing to do.
Its such a wonderful feeling to find others that understand - I hope my story doesn't scare you or seem inappropriate, we all have our own unique circumstances and ways of doing things. I hope face to face meetings and reading and posting here can help you as much as they helped me. It can and does get better. (((((Hugs))))))
Hi
From my POV you have no reason to be embarrassed. That doesn't mean I didn't experience that at some points in my Al-Anon journey. Matter of fact, it can seem like falling down the rabbit hole when one first encounters love and acceptance after so much pain and rejection.
I still recall the hell on earth that my first marriage was like in bed. I didn't know if I was coming or going and I was so defensive. It felt like I was wrong but I wasn't comfortable with sex because I wasn't comfortable with him anymore. I know now that an illness was in bed with us. While I could see his problem, I couldn't see my own.
It took a lot to get me in a meeting but from the point where I committed to those six meetings, I felt better. I was moving in a better direction. I hope you try it. When you get better he may decide he needs a change too. No promises on him but I have seen so many people recovering, happier, open, no longer ashamed or afraid. They loved me and I now love them. That may seem extravagant but that is my truth now.
I have a long way to go and I intend on going on. Now is better than then.
You have my complete support if you want it.
Nora G