The reading for Monday, 8/19, talks about not be able to trust the one you love. It caused the author disappointment of broken promises, contradictions, and outright lies. But they began to realize that most of the heartache came from their own refusal to accept reality. The author started learning not to depend on someone who has been consistently untrustworthy.
Reminder: Today I make a commitment to be honest with myself. By facing reality, I become someone I can depend upon.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I think this has been one of the hardest lessons for me in my alanon experience: having to accept that the person I love cannot be trusted. It took me years to accept that the person I thought I married is not the person I thought she was. And as lying goes against my very nature, this was especially horrific in my way of thinking.
I have been working on this for years. It is sad but no longer rips me apart. I have choices. I finally love myself. I cannot predict the future so I will just take ODAT, Lyne
Bubette said
Aug 19, 2019
Thank you, Lyne, for sharing. I needed to hear that. I used to be angry when my loved one lied about his drinking or how much he was drinking. It took a long time for me to accept that he was not lying solely to me. He was lying primarily to himself, and that lying was part of his disease. I stopped asking about his drinking for a long time. I learned to trust that I knew what I already knew, and that asking only created greater conflict, disappointment, fear and anger for both of us. I slipped today, though, after a challenging weekend and, because of some concerns about serious health issues he's having, I asked. I knew as soon as I heard his response that I could not trust it and, thus, was not taking care of myself by asking the question in the first place. Asking and receiving a response, whether an honest one or not, does not change the reality that he has some serious health issues, that he is drinking and that he is taking a new medication that can be particularly dangerous in combination with alcohol, and that I cannot control his actions with regard to either thing or as to what he discussed privately with his doctor in those regards. I said the Serenity Prayer and took action by stepping back, by suggesting he consider foregoing a dose tonight to see how he feels tomorrow and calling his doctor about it tomorrow to discuss it (as I would suggest to any loved one in crisis), and by praying to my Higher Power. I am letting go and letting God, and getting to love my loved one with compassion. I have lived through some bad health scares with him before due to his drinking, and I know from that experience that my Higher Power was with me and the greatest source of strength to help me through it. I certainly do not want that to happen again, but if it does, I know that my Faith is my greatest resource and that my strength lies in my Higher Power and the fellowship of Al-Anon. So, again, thank you, Lyne, for sharing. I really needed to remind myself of this.
Iamhere said
Aug 19, 2019
Thank you Lyne for the daily, your service and your share/ESH! Welcome to MIP Bubette - glad you found us and joined right in with your share. I too place a high value on honesty and integrity so really, really struggled to accept the dishonesty this disease brings. The grieving process for the 'expected marriage' vs. the reality was tough, sad, painful and difficult. I have been able to grieve and move beyond that simply by embracing recovery, the steps and the tools.
It took me a long time in recovery to stop comparing what I had to what I saw in others or what I wanted in my mind's perfect marriage. It took me a long time in recovery to realize all relationships have ups/downs, illness, etc. and we were no different. It took me a long time to accept that my way of loving and expressing love was different than anyone else's, and I can accept others exactly as they are or I can keep practicing (my will) trying to conform/change them.
I continue practicing putting my trust/faith in the God of my understanding and feel at more core that I can choose to be happy, joyous and free with who I am and what I have or I can keep chasing that which I think I 'want'. Recovery has shown me that when I am spiritually fit, I really do have all that I need and I pine for wants when I land left or right of my center.
I am grateful for my program, my tools and my new way of seeing life and love....'this' would not be without recovery! Happy Monday all - make it a great day!!
El said
Aug 19, 2019
Thank you Lyne for today's message and to you Bubette and IAH.
But they began to realize that most of the heartache came from their own refusal to accept reality.
Boy, that statement is so timely for me today. I am back in my cycle of feeling let down when AH says he is going to do something and then doesn't. The few things he said he would accomplish this week will most likely not happen. Broken promises, outright lies to just appease me in that moment. Knowing that I can't depend on him the way I always had been able to. So, knowing this ahead of time......I shouldn't suffer heartache over it, unless I refuse to accept his reality. Our reality. My reality.....I can no longer depend on him in certain areas of our life together. There-in lies my problem. acceptance......right back to Step #1.
Hugs to all on his Monday in mid August!
Ellen
Lil99 said
Aug 19, 2019
Thank you for sharing, I so needed to read that today. This weekend I'd planned to go out for the day with my alcoholic partner. I woke up early and heard him already up downstairs doing stuff, checked my clock it was 7am. Naively (you'd think I would know better by now!) I thought he was making up a picnic to take out. I snoozed for a while longer as I hadn't slept well.
When I got up there was no picnic ready. However there was a jug left out, presumably some sort of hiding or redistribution of drink. I mentioned that he'd been up early and he completely denied it, saying that he'd only got out of bed at 8am. I'm certain he was up at least an hour earlier.
We did go out for the day anyway and I enjoyed it. However the little lies - that sometimes I'm aware of, sometimes not - are absolutely crazy-making. I guess you'd call it gas lighting. I have to work really hard every day to keep my sanity and sense of reality with things like that going on. It's really tough.
The reading for Monday, 8/19, talks about not be able to trust the one you love. It caused the author disappointment of broken promises, contradictions, and outright lies. But they began to realize that most of the heartache came from their own refusal to accept reality. The author started learning not to depend on someone who has been consistently untrustworthy.
Reminder: Today I make a commitment to be honest with myself. By facing reality, I become someone I can depend upon.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I think this has been one of the hardest lessons for me in my alanon experience: having to accept that the person I love cannot be trusted. It took me years to accept that the person I thought I married is not the person I thought she was. And as lying goes against my very nature, this was especially horrific in my way of thinking.
I have been working on this for years. It is sad but no longer rips me apart. I have choices. I finally love myself. I cannot predict the future so I will just take ODAT, Lyne
Thank you, Lyne, for sharing. I needed to hear that. I used to be angry when my loved one lied about his drinking or how much he was drinking. It took a long time for me to accept that he was not lying solely to me. He was lying primarily to himself, and that lying was part of his disease. I stopped asking about his drinking for a long time. I learned to trust that I knew what I already knew, and that asking only created greater conflict, disappointment, fear and anger for both of us. I slipped today, though, after a challenging weekend and, because of some concerns about serious health issues he's having, I asked. I knew as soon as I heard his response that I could not trust it and, thus, was not taking care of myself by asking the question in the first place. Asking and receiving a response, whether an honest one or not, does not change the reality that he has some serious health issues, that he is drinking and that he is taking a new medication that can be particularly dangerous in combination with alcohol, and that I cannot control his actions with regard to either thing or as to what he discussed privately with his doctor in those regards. I said the Serenity Prayer and took action by stepping back, by suggesting he consider foregoing a dose tonight to see how he feels tomorrow and calling his doctor about it tomorrow to discuss it (as I would suggest to any loved one in crisis), and by praying to my Higher Power. I am letting go and letting God, and getting to love my loved one with compassion. I have lived through some bad health scares with him before due to his drinking, and I know from that experience that my Higher Power was with me and the greatest source of strength to help me through it. I certainly do not want that to happen again, but if it does, I know that my Faith is my greatest resource and that my strength lies in my Higher Power and the fellowship of Al-Anon. So, again, thank you, Lyne, for sharing. I really needed to remind myself of this.
It took me a long time in recovery to stop comparing what I had to what I saw in others or what I wanted in my mind's perfect marriage. It took me a long time in recovery to realize all relationships have ups/downs, illness, etc. and we were no different. It took me a long time to accept that my way of loving and expressing love was different than anyone else's, and I can accept others exactly as they are or I can keep practicing (my will) trying to conform/change them.
I continue practicing putting my trust/faith in the God of my understanding and feel at more core that I can choose to be happy, joyous and free with who I am and what I have or I can keep chasing that which I think I 'want'. Recovery has shown me that when I am spiritually fit, I really do have all that I need and I pine for wants when I land left or right of my center.
I am grateful for my program, my tools and my new way of seeing life and love....'this' would not be without recovery! Happy Monday all - make it a great day!!
Thank you Lyne for today's message and to you Bubette and IAH.
But they began to realize that most of the heartache came from their own refusal to accept reality.
Boy, that statement is so timely for me today. I am back in my cycle of feeling let down when AH says he is going to do something and then doesn't. The few things he said he would accomplish this week will most likely not happen. Broken promises, outright lies to just appease me in that moment. Knowing that I can't depend on him the way I always had been able to. So, knowing this ahead of time......I shouldn't suffer heartache over it, unless I refuse to accept his reality. Our reality. My reality.....I can no longer depend on him in certain areas of our life together. There-in lies my problem. acceptance......right back to Step #1.
Hugs to all on his Monday in mid August!
Ellen