My A believes she no longer needs help and that includes our couples' counseling with an addiction-trained therapist. In the past I have insisted her getting help is a condition of our staying together. Today I told her it is her decision. This is huge progress for me, thanks to program. I do not have the "right" to tell others what they must do. Lyne
hotrod said
Aug 17, 2019
Great Program Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 17, 2019
I just wanted to stop by and say, "Way to work this program!" It is so hard to allow someone you love to make their own decisions when some of the decisions you don't like, or even can't live with. But as you have found out, you can only control you.
I too, learned that I needed to change my ultimatum to a boundary that was true and authentic for me. In the end, it was all about what I could and couldn't live with.
With each post, I love your growth!
&
Iamhere said
Aug 17, 2019
(((Lyne))) - good for you! It is moments like this where I am reminded how important acceptance is....I don't always have to like what is, but if I can work to accept what is, my peace is generally less affected! Take good care of you and keep working it - looks great on ya!
KT2015 said
Aug 20, 2019
I'm glad to hear this Lynn. I always struggled with this with my AH as well. In my situation I used to tell my AH I would leave if he kept drinking. But I didn't follow through. I felt so desperate for him to "be better" so I could feel better about our relationship or I could "Keep our relationship together". But me not following through thoroughly discredited me. I remember when I had to let go enough to tell him I wasn't going to demand anything of him and his drinking anymore. I didn't want to live with someone who was drinking all the time and I had made that abundantly clear it didn't need anymore air time. Instead I decided within myself that I would take our relationship/marriage one day at a time. Today I am married. Today is a good day. I'm not giving up anything but the struggle. He's a grown man and I now treat him as one around his drinking. No more coercing or mothering or threatening about the drinking just two adults responsible for our own actions and choices. It sounds simple but it was very hard for me. And when I let that dynamic go things got a lot better between us. I (mostly) stopped monitoring what he was doing and started living my life.
I hope this decision brings you peace the same way mine did. HUGS
JerryF said
Aug 20, 2019
I learned many different aspects of this understanding one being "not only do I have the right", "I have the ability" which often escaped me because I experienced the victim role until I reached the rooms of Al-Anon. Asking for experiences from other members and then practicing it myself was huge growth and I got similar outcomes on success.
Good on you...keep coming back and sharing this experience. (((hugs)))
2HP said
Aug 20, 2019
I was very confused about "acceptance" in early recovery. my sponsor eventually explained that the first step was not all about the alcoholic, all about the alcoholic, all about the alcoholic, all about ........
it was about me too. When I finally admitted I was powerless over my FEELINGS about being in an alcoholic marriage, I had to accept that too. I was powerless to make our marriage into a more mutual relationship, or into my personal definition of what marriage is.
My sponsor validated my feelings. She gave me this food for thought; "Maybe you two were never REALLY married in the first place, maybe YOU committed but he never really did...???"
I also admitted and accepted that the Higher Power did not put me here to suffer, nothing attractive about martyrdom.
May your recovery journey please your HP above all. And bring you more peace, more joy, and more LOVE.
Don't forget the first part of our slogan "LIVE.... AND LET LIVE."
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 20th of August 2019 03:56:15 PM
bud said
Aug 21, 2019
Impressive working your program Lyne!
It's simple but not easy, for sure.
Years ago, before Alanon, I issued an ultimatum to my AH to stop or I'd leave. I left.
A recent similar situation surfaced and I had a chance for a "redo". This time I applied my Alanon skills and tools. I stayed on my side of the street and had boundaries. In this case, he left... doing whatever he does... and I didn't chase, beg, or try and fix him. It feels good to have "myself" with me wherever I go.
KT2015 said
Aug 21, 2019
2HP thanks I always love your posts. This was helpful.
My A believes she no longer needs help and that includes our couples' counseling with an addiction-trained therapist. In the past I have insisted her getting help is a condition of our staying together. Today I told her it is her decision. This is huge progress for me, thanks to program. I do not have the "right" to tell others what they must do. Lyne
Great Program Lyne
I too, learned that I needed to change my ultimatum to a boundary that was true and authentic for me. In the end, it was all about what I could and couldn't live with.
With each post, I love your growth!
I hope this decision brings you peace the same way mine did. HUGS
I learned many different aspects of this understanding one being "not only do I have the right", "I have the ability" which often escaped me because I experienced the victim role until I reached the rooms of Al-Anon. Asking for experiences from other members and then practicing it myself was huge growth and I got similar outcomes on success.
Good on you...keep coming back and sharing this experience. (((hugs)))
I was very confused about "acceptance" in early recovery. my sponsor eventually explained that the first step was not all about the alcoholic, all about the alcoholic, all about the alcoholic, all about ........
it was about me too. When I finally admitted I was powerless over my FEELINGS about being in an alcoholic marriage, I had to accept that too. I was powerless to make our marriage into a more mutual relationship, or into my personal definition of what marriage is.
My sponsor validated my feelings. She gave me this food for thought; "Maybe you two were never REALLY married in the first place, maybe YOU committed but he never really did...???"
I also admitted and accepted that the Higher Power did not put me here to suffer, nothing attractive about martyrdom.
May your recovery journey please your HP above all. And bring you more peace, more joy, and more LOVE.
Don't forget the first part of our slogan "LIVE.... AND LET LIVE."
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 20th of August 2019 03:56:15 PM
It's simple but not easy, for sure.
Years ago, before Alanon, I issued an ultimatum to my AH to stop or I'd leave. I left.
A recent similar situation surfaced and I had a chance for a "redo". This time I applied my Alanon skills and tools. I stayed on my side of the street and had boundaries. In this case, he left... doing whatever he does... and I didn't chase, beg, or try and fix him. It feels good to have "myself" with me wherever I go.