Still tired and still adjusting to what's going on.
My youngest went back to school and unfortunately I behaved like a responsible adult and not that it's bad that I did that however he heard no and that didn't go over well. That child hears no and OMG you would think the world would end big time. The bills are paid however I do not have extra at the moment given the minor emergencies we have had over the last few weeks like if the truck wasn't fixed the kids would still be in IL. So, we are back on track which is good. In the middle of all of me saying no my youngest lost his mind and I lost my temper .. I had to go back and apologize for my outburst I get loud I don't yell .. I totally yelled .. in fact everyone in the house realized how angry I was and decided to let me cook in peace .. lol. I can't right now .. I mean I literally can't .. I have been done and am totally done covering for my X .. I am done being the bad guy .. I am just done. My boyfriend who has a point in some of what he's been saying I have allowed to get in my head about a few things and after a reality check in my own mind I realized that whatever he's saying or doing it's ultimately up to me. I do the clean up after the drive by with my X. So I realize my bf means well .. he's not lived the hell that the kids and I have for the past 15 years and the fact that the kids are recovering from some parts of their childhood that have been affected by alcoholism. My goal is they have the ability to realize they have choices and aren't locked into coping behaviors that no longer serve them.
I am angry at my EX and again I realize that it's not going to change anything, this is a completely rational thing to be angry about and it's a very normal response to wonder out loud why someone who's a "practicing Christian" would do that to his kid/s right at back to school. I reread his emails to make sure I wasn't over reacting and NOTHING in these emails makes any sense however I reminded myself I have NO idea who I am talking to and apparently they don't live in the same house. The one thing I realized is that he's looking for a fight and doing things on purpose to get a strong reaction out of me which I am not giving him. Obviously based upon historical experience he's not able to act out with the wife and is acting out with me instead. So it is what it is. I do think a lot of the craziness at the moment he's drinking and/or pills and he honestly has no idea what he's said from one min to the next even my oldest has indicated that nothing he's saying at the moment is making any sense. It is like dealing with 2 different people even if it's actually him. I felt better hearing that from someone who corresponds with him as well. It's that inside validation of I'm not crazy and yes this is happening.
Work is about stupid .. LOL .. I swear I am just being tested left and right .. trying to close out a program that we can't close without it crashing as we don't have the ram for the data base we are trying to export from one program to the other .. yah I didn't see this coming (I have been chanting it for months to a fellow co-worker who is now just shaking her head going .. I know you saw it). So crunch time and I'm not interested in the hail Mary's that are coming at the moment. My boss who I really like is insistent this is the best program ever however has never closed it out or uses it on her phone .. LOL .. she has no clue.
I'm just super frustrated at the moment to say the least. Annnddd .. still tired .. LOL.
Sounds like you need it!
We all have times that we just "lose it." I have been there & walked the "Walk of Shame" to my Kid's room to apologize. LOL!
I am sorry your Ex is causing so much trouble during a stressful time for the kids... back to school is fun, but it can be very stressful going into a new grade!!
In regards to your eldest: When they recognize the "crazy" that is coming from the other parent, I think it is important to validate what they are seeing and hearing, but then follow that up with a reminder that the parent's brain has been chemically altered by the booze/drugs... awareness! I know you have done this all along. Stay strong, sister!
Get some rest if you can! &
Temple said
Aug 15, 2019
Bless your Heart!
I read all that and the first thing I thought was that there is so much Grace in operation here.
Truly.
Hugs,
Temple
bud said
Aug 15, 2019
Sending hugs SerenityRUS. Even if it doesn't feel like it, you've got this!
hotrod said
Aug 15, 2019
((SERENITY)) Prayers on the way
Iamhere said
Aug 15, 2019
Thoughts and prayers from me too! You do got this!
SerenityRUS said
Aug 16, 2019
I do not feel like I got this, pretty much my oldest is not going back to college this semester and some how has more money in student loans than I am aware of .. that's disappointing considering we had this conversation about NOT taking loans. I actually saw the college deal not working out a while ago and had cautioned him about it however sometimes these are lessons a kid needs to learn without interference so I'm not terribly shocked. I have to admit silently I laugh to myself knowing he really is shocked, I'm not sure why. We are going to have to have a different conversation though because he's finally accepting that he's going to go to community college for 2 years. The cost that the 4 year college has been just is earth shattering to me because there's nothing from it that will transfer so he's starting from the ground up .. I don't think that's a bad thing at this point.
I am currently fighting with my boyfriend and I am tired and cranky big time. Work is dumb. LOL .. when is work not dumb right? I need to win the lotto. I can't begin to tell you how tired I am seriously like lay down on my desk and sleep tired .. lol. The fighting is over the kids relationship with their dad .. he pushes and right now I don't need him to push. What I need is him to listen and even if he doesn't agree recognize that in this moment I need him to agree and then pick a different time to address his concerns. I am very angry right now, although I'm probably more tired and irritable than anything else.
My mother .. lol .. when it rains it pours .. and one of the things that is making me laugh is she's 76 years old helping her friend who has glaucoma which is nice of her .. however the friend is a multimillionaire. My mother is outside in Oregon trimming roses that are completely out of control, I do not mean a few here and there I mean LOTS .. there is a reason this woman has so much money she's to cheap to hire someone else and my mother is doing it for free. I am not impressed. Of course my mother mentions it in passing and I stopped in my tracks and said repeat that please .. which she then back tracked knowing where I was going with it.
This is why the woman has money and I don't like how she always takes advantage of my mother. I do mean always and my mother allows it and it's so not my business however I don't want to hear about it either.
Anyways, I will just stay in my hula hoop today is Friday and I am really done at this point I can't see straight.
Tomorrow will be better because there is no work .. LOL.
bud said
Aug 16, 2019
(((SerenityRUS)))
I'm not sure we're supposed to feel like we've got this... at least not 100% of the time AND that doesn't mean that you're not doing a great job... of self-care and continuing to do the next right thing.
You're over-stretched, over-tired, and over-whelmed (did I just dub the 3 "Os" !? )
It's a perfect storm... and when it rains, it does pour.
My daughter is 28 and does need to learn most things in her own time and in her own way. So many times, I've tried to steer her clear of obstacles... as a parent, we do what we can and then love them for their ups and downs in the journey of their choices.
You have added bonuses of boyfriend fights , work stresses, and concern for your Mom. (why is the bonus not a winning lottery ticket - would be so much better ! )
A Happy Friday HALT comes to mind as well as Easy does it.
Sending positive thoughts your way
a4l said
Aug 16, 2019
I still love the way you live life 200 percent. This exuberant loving nurturing energy... Yep that's gotta have a rest to recharge. There's something about your mom and the roses and your reaction that made me smile out of familiarity. That cheapness is the reason the rose owner got rich made me chuckle so much. I know my own grandma stopped growing roses at around 70 as they were just too much work. I hope you get a good sleep soon my friend.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 17, 2019
Sending you healing vibes today!!! You have had a full plate of SOS (navy term) lately, that's for sure!!
From what you wrote, it is obvious that you know YOUR BUSINESS... but sometimes it is so hard to juggle all that comes our way, huh? That is what venting is for IMHO. To let off the steam that is accumulating. Thank goodness we MIP peeps have this forum to do that without outside forces telling us it is wrong. Your friends here all understand! So vent away!
I know you will give the BF some time and a little space... he sounds like a quality guy from what you have always posted. I bet he thinks about your needs (since you said what you meant, meant what you said and didn't say it in a mean way), and will eventually come around & be the support you are needing.
I have to chuckle a little bit, sometimes our lives seem to intersect... my son also told me he won't be going back to college in the fall. I was disappointed at first, but thanks to my changed ways, I am understanding that he needs to find his own way, in his own time. He is lucky in that he has not racked up college debt though... so I do understand your concern with regards to that... it is a hard yoke to get out from. Life lesson for your son, yes? LOL!
Have a restful weekend! &
Iamhere said
Aug 17, 2019
(((S))) - you do sound overwhelmed, and your post wore me out! I am glad that it's the weekend and I hope you are able to do some rest/regroup....take what you like and leave the rest - my sponsor reminds me often that when I am conflicted about another person, place or thing - the issue and answers are within me. If I am conflicted about more than one person, place or thing, more often than not, I'm not practicing good self care (meetings, steps, service, etc.) This has been very, very helpful for me in times of stress. When I find myself venting about another or several others, I now know that a restart @ Step One + an increase in my meetings is often what I need.
When I feel like I am fighting everything and everyone, my spiritual life and peace suffer greatly. Put you and your recovery first and allow the rest to unfold as best you can - it really does work wonders when we can accept, let go and let God. Be gentle with you!
PS - we are not designed to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, super-people - we are designed to be of service to others when they need it and ask for help when we need it!
SerenityRUS said
Aug 19, 2019
Thanks for the support .. it really has been a long stressful 2 weeks. It's been an unfortunate reminder that the stove is still hot when it comes to my ex. Just because the outside has changed the inside behaviors are still there .. he's baiting me hard core. Last night was the coop de la mode with complete gas lighting of our eldest. My oldest has been having texting conversations and the way my ex ended it was it's the kids fault he didn't know they were in town. They should have sent a text. Well both were not "in town" 1 was 3 1/2 hours away. The other was "in town" however didn't want to be bothered with baby daddy drama and they were out of town on vacation with his bff more than they were in town. It's not this fabulous families job to ensure our younger sees his dad. Honestly all it would take would be D saying I want to see my dad and it would have happened. Let's also keep in mind in 4 YEARS never once has their dad asked them what they were doing over the summer .. never once has he said I want to see you let's make that happen. Not going to lie I an sure I would have not been happy at least he would be attempting to take an interest. So the your fault I didn't see you was followed by .. but I still love you and your brother. O.o .. ummm .. yaaaahhh he's not looking for me to go mama triple bear tigress on him on any level lol .. I did lots of breathing into a paper bag considering the last week I have had it would have seriously felt good to spew my crazy on him. I didn't. This folks is called progress lol .. for me at least .. I did say to my oldest .. stand in your truth .. your part isn't all on you. Especially if you check your motives for not telling him. You know he had not come out to his dad at that point. Son wasn't making a 3 1/2 hour journey to see him .. his dad couldn't be bothered with visitation when he lived 3 miles down the road .. I seriously doubt he's driving 3 1/2 hours to see his oldest kid. Then there's the coming out I mentioned that already however I don't think my ex would know how to behave .. I really don't. I digress .. the bottom line issue .. GAS LIGHTING!!! You didn't do what I wanted it's your fault .. I will grace you with my acceptance and still manipulate you into feeling bad. Soooo here's the deal .. I know based upon my experience with him he's going to lose his mind .. what's left in about 2 week's is my guess. I'm going to let him in a way I haven't allowed because this time I'm going to respond very different than I have in the past .. this time I'm going to not point out the crazy and just let everyone else observe as I go about my business. I did suggest to my oldest don't engage crazy .. if my oldest is angry and confused now is a good time to relax and just let his dad be an ass and let him have the last word at this point. There will be other times to engage where it's more positive for them both. Ugggghhhhh .. hey it's Monday I did rest I was 100% lazy I'm going to pay for that lol however I am taking an extra day in 2 week's so I'm excited about that!!! S :)
-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Monday 19th of August 2019 08:58:51 AM
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 19, 2019
As you know Serenity, when you stop your "normal" way of engaging, the Qualifier will ramp up their particular brand of "Krazy." You are very wise to disengage right now and allow your Ex to keep braiding his rope.
I think the best thing you did was counsel your eldest on standing with his truth, and to not engage the Krazy. I personally feel that gas-lighting is one of the worst kind of mental abuse... it is important to know and understand that beast... b/c it will "get" even the most strong-willed/healthy person!!
Stay strong with your plan.
Wishing you peace this week!
&
SerenityRUS said
Aug 19, 2019
Oof you are so not kidding. I did not mention the part where my X actually text my oldest the text he should have sent him .. it had "!!" and everything. At that point my head was between my knees breathing. I honestly started to laugh because it is so crazy. This is what you should have done. So it's YOUR fault I didn't see you.
He has not really done that so blatantly with either kid. So this is a new tactic he's moved on to for sure looking for me to react hysterically .. not going to happen. I guess my kiddo and I are going to have to have a couple of conversations about what gas lighting is and how it just tears you down in the worst possible way.
I'm seriously waiting for him to act out with me .. there is so much of me that's looking forward to how far he will push at this point.
Still tired and still adjusting to what's going on.
My youngest went back to school and unfortunately I behaved like a responsible adult and not that it's bad that I did that however he heard no and that didn't go over well. That child hears no and OMG you would think the world would end big time. The bills are paid however I do not have extra at the moment given the minor emergencies we have had over the last few weeks like if the truck wasn't fixed the kids would still be in IL. So, we are back on track which is good. In the middle of all of me saying no my youngest lost his mind and I lost my temper .. I had to go back and apologize for my outburst I get loud I don't yell .. I totally yelled .. in fact everyone in the house realized how angry I was and decided to let me cook in peace .. lol. I can't right now .. I mean I literally can't .. I have been done and am totally done covering for my X .. I am done being the bad guy .. I am just done. My boyfriend who has a point in some of what he's been saying I have allowed to get in my head about a few things and after a reality check in my own mind I realized that whatever he's saying or doing it's ultimately up to me. I do the clean up after the drive by with my X. So I realize my bf means well .. he's not lived the hell that the kids and I have for the past 15 years and the fact that the kids are recovering from some parts of their childhood that have been affected by alcoholism. My goal is they have the ability to realize they have choices and aren't locked into coping behaviors that no longer serve them.
I am angry at my EX and again I realize that it's not going to change anything, this is a completely rational thing to be angry about and it's a very normal response to wonder out loud why someone who's a "practicing Christian" would do that to his kid/s right at back to school. I reread his emails to make sure I wasn't over reacting and NOTHING in these emails makes any sense however I reminded myself I have NO idea who I am talking to and apparently they don't live in the same house. The one thing I realized is that he's looking for a fight and doing things on purpose to get a strong reaction out of me which I am not giving him. Obviously based upon historical experience he's not able to act out with the wife and is acting out with me instead. So it is what it is. I do think a lot of the craziness at the moment he's drinking and/or pills and he honestly has no idea what he's said from one min to the next even my oldest has indicated that nothing he's saying at the moment is making any sense. It is like dealing with 2 different people even if it's actually him. I felt better hearing that from someone who corresponds with him as well. It's that inside validation of I'm not crazy and yes this is happening.
Work is about stupid .. LOL .. I swear I am just being tested left and right .. trying to close out a program that we can't close without it crashing as we don't have the ram for the data base we are trying to export from one program to the other .. yah I didn't see this coming (I have been chanting it for months to a fellow co-worker who is now just shaking her head going .. I know you saw it). So crunch time and I'm not interested in the hail Mary's that are coming at the moment. My boss who I really like is insistent this is the best program ever however has never closed it out or uses it on her phone .. LOL .. she has no clue.
I'm just super frustrated at the moment to say the least. Annnddd .. still tired .. LOL.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Serenity)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Sounds like you need it!
We all have times that we just "lose it." I have been there & walked the "Walk of Shame" to my Kid's room to apologize. LOL!
I am sorry your Ex is causing so much trouble during a stressful time for the kids... back to school is fun, but it can be very stressful going into a new grade!!
In regards to your eldest: When they recognize the "crazy" that is coming from the other parent, I think it is important to validate what they are seeing and hearing, but then follow that up with a reminder that the parent's brain has been chemically altered by the booze/drugs... awareness! I know you have done this all along. Stay strong, sister!
Get some rest if you can!
I read all that and the first thing I thought was that there is so much Grace in operation here.
Truly.
Hugs,
Temple
I am currently fighting with my boyfriend and I am tired and cranky big time. Work is dumb. LOL .. when is work not dumb right? I need to win the lotto. I can't begin to tell you how tired I am seriously like lay down on my desk and sleep tired .. lol. The fighting is over the kids relationship with their dad .. he pushes and right now I don't need him to push. What I need is him to listen and even if he doesn't agree recognize that in this moment I need him to agree and then pick a different time to address his concerns. I am very angry right now, although I'm probably more tired and irritable than anything else.
My mother .. lol .. when it rains it pours .. and one of the things that is making me laugh is she's 76 years old helping her friend who has glaucoma which is nice of her .. however the friend is a multimillionaire. My mother is outside in Oregon trimming roses that are completely out of control, I do not mean a few here and there I mean LOTS .. there is a reason this woman has so much money she's to cheap to hire someone else and my mother is doing it for free. I am not impressed. Of course my mother mentions it in passing and I stopped in my tracks and said repeat that please .. which she then back tracked knowing where I was going with it.
This is why the woman has money and I don't like how she always takes advantage of my mother. I do mean always and my mother allows it and it's so not my business however I don't want to hear about it either.
Anyways, I will just stay in my hula hoop today is Friday and I am really done at this point I can't see straight.
Tomorrow will be better because there is no work .. LOL.
I'm not sure we're supposed to feel like we've got this... at least not 100% of the time AND that doesn't mean that you're not doing a great job... of self-care and continuing to do the next right thing.
You're over-stretched, over-tired, and over-whelmed (did I just dub the 3 "Os" !?
It's a perfect storm... and when it rains, it does pour.
My daughter is 28 and does need to learn most things in her own time and in her own way. So many times, I've tried to steer her clear of obstacles... as a parent, we do what we can and then love them for their ups and downs in the journey of their choices.
You have added bonuses of boyfriend fights , work stresses, and concern for your Mom. (why is the bonus not a winning lottery ticket - would be so much better ! )
A Happy Friday HALT comes to mind as well as Easy does it.
Sending positive thoughts your way
From what you wrote, it is obvious that you know YOUR BUSINESS... but sometimes it is so hard to juggle all that comes our way, huh? That is what venting is for IMHO. To let off the steam that is accumulating. Thank goodness we MIP peeps have this forum to do that without outside forces telling us it is wrong. Your friends here all understand! So vent away!
I know you will give the BF some time and a little space... he sounds like a quality guy from what you have always posted. I bet he thinks about your needs (since you said what you meant, meant what you said and didn't say it in a mean way), and will eventually come around & be the support you are needing.
I have to chuckle a little bit, sometimes our lives seem to intersect... my son also told me he won't be going back to college in the fall. I was disappointed at first, but thanks to my changed ways, I am understanding that he needs to find his own way, in his own time. He is lucky in that he has not racked up college debt though... so I do understand your concern with regards to that... it is a hard yoke to get out from. Life lesson for your son, yes? LOL!
Have a restful weekend!
When I feel like I am fighting everything and everyone, my spiritual life and peace suffer greatly. Put you and your recovery first and allow the rest to unfold as best you can - it really does work wonders when we can accept, let go and let God. Be gentle with you!
PS - we are not designed to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, super-people - we are designed to be of service to others when they need it and ask for help when we need it!
Thanks for the support .. it really has been a long stressful 2 weeks. It's been an unfortunate reminder that the stove is still hot when it comes to my ex. Just because the outside has changed the inside behaviors are still there .. he's baiting me hard core. Last night was the coop de la mode with complete gas lighting of our eldest. My oldest has been having texting conversations and the way my ex ended it was it's the kids fault he didn't know they were in town. They should have sent a text. Well both were not "in town" 1 was 3 1/2 hours away. The other was "in town" however didn't want to be bothered with baby daddy drama and they were out of town on vacation with his bff more than they were in town. It's not this fabulous families job to ensure our younger sees his dad. Honestly all it would take would be D saying I want to see my dad and it would have happened. Let's also keep in mind in 4 YEARS never once has their dad asked them what they were doing over the summer .. never once has he said I want to see you let's make that happen. Not going to lie I an sure I would have not been happy at least he would be attempting to take an interest. So the your fault I didn't see you was followed by .. but I still love you and your brother. O.o .. ummm .. yaaaahhh he's not looking for me to go mama triple bear tigress on him on any level lol .. I did lots of breathing into a paper bag considering the last week I have had it would have seriously felt good to spew my crazy on him. I didn't. This folks is called progress lol .. for me at least .. I did say to my oldest .. stand in your truth .. your part isn't all on you. Especially if you check your motives for not telling him. You know he had not come out to his dad at that point. Son wasn't making a 3 1/2 hour journey to see him .. his dad couldn't be bothered with visitation when he lived 3 miles down the road .. I seriously doubt he's driving 3 1/2 hours to see his oldest kid. Then there's the coming out I mentioned that already however I don't think my ex would know how to behave .. I really don't. I digress .. the bottom line issue .. GAS LIGHTING!!! You didn't do what I wanted it's your fault .. I will grace you with my acceptance and still manipulate you into feeling bad. Soooo here's the deal .. I know based upon my experience with him he's going to lose his mind .. what's left in about 2 week's is my guess. I'm going to let him in a way I haven't allowed because this time I'm going to respond very different than I have in the past .. this time I'm going to not point out the crazy and just let everyone else observe as I go about my business. I did suggest to my oldest don't engage crazy .. if my oldest is angry and confused now is a good time to relax and just let his dad be an ass and let him have the last word at this point. There will be other times to engage where it's more positive for them both. Ugggghhhhh .. hey it's Monday I did rest I was 100% lazy I'm going to pay for that lol however I am taking an extra day in 2 week's so I'm excited about that!!! S :)
-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Monday 19th of August 2019 08:58:51 AM
I think the best thing you did was counsel your eldest on standing with his truth, and to not engage the Krazy. I personally feel that gas-lighting is one of the worst kind of mental abuse... it is important to know and understand that beast... b/c it will "get" even the most strong-willed/healthy person!!
Stay strong with your plan.
Wishing you peace this week!
He has not really done that so blatantly with either kid. So this is a new tactic he's moved on to for sure looking for me to react hysterically .. not going to happen. I guess my kiddo and I are going to have to have a couple of conversations about what gas lighting is and how it just tears you down in the worst possible way.
I'm seriously waiting for him to act out with me .. there is so much of me that's looking forward to how far he will push at this point.
This is such a gotcha for me.