Ok lovely family. I don't know how familiar this is so I'd like to put it out there for some help. I am at a stage now where I excitedly feel like I've reached the middle ground between all or nothing. And accordingly I want to try and put the pieces of my puzzle together. Because this is both new and old, I am a bit Rusty and awkward. Boundaries for me were very rigid from 22 onwards (when I first entered recovery). Prior to that, I was all the other way, ie couldn't say no. Really honestly couldn't even if it was something I knew I couldn't do. By the age of 24 I was so serious I had no fun at all in my life and this was a five year thing. On the plus side, my friends were totally reliable people. There were only a handful of them but I could trust them with anything at all. Never did I have to think about their motives or dynamics, never was I uncomfortable or obligated in ways I wasn't capable of fulfilling. Looking back, those women must have seen right through all the layers and loved me alot. They were wonderful friends. Two decades older as well. (Wow I'm so grateful right now for the love I had then but couldn't see!). After leaving that life behind and starting again, I never entirely lost the standoffishness of that period. My boundaries were so tight, no one got passed the wall unless I wanted to ensnare them. I also had another child, selfishly entirely for myself with a man I knew would leave me to do it my way and never interfere. I have no illwill towards that man today even though some people perceive it as abandonment, I knew what I wanted and I got it. A child of my own who could never be taken away. Higher power humility insert: child is disabled, child literally will never be away from me. Be careful what you wish for when imposing your will at any cost A4l. I think in a nutshell I went from being completely spineless (though I've always been social justice oriented, challenging inequity without thought since forever, just not for myself) to becoming selfish, closed and very controlling. That bought me back to Alanon because the alcoholic loved one wasn't conforming and infact I, the in control one was completely out of control. Again, grateful for that, I needed to be here. Seven years of marriage later, here I am. I don't want to be saying yes when I mean no, and I don't want to lock myself away from all that is human life for fear of getting hurt. So what I need are some good personal boundaries. My weaknesses are people who have been severely emotionally wounded. I find myself coming to the rescue but the thing is, I need to build my house now (literally) and I need to buy a car. One of my philanthropic endeavors has literally cost me thousands and it is close to a conclusion. This conclusion brings no tangible material benefit to me personally, but on a spiritual level interconnected with my identity as a Polynesian woman, the conclusion is the reward. I'm good with that. Not saying I'd turn down any material bonuses that emerge from that, but it was never pure material reward that motivated me to take it on. I wouldn't do another project similarly out of my own pocket because I can't afford to. Also, I learned that sometimes people choose to stay stuck. And sometimes some people are not worthy of the full beam of my abilities. Not being arrogant, it's just that's what I've learned. So my desire now is to be a part of society as a recovering person with healthy boundaries. Someone who knows how to say no nicely and also who doesn't put their goals aside to help others when they honestly can't afford to. I still want to be a kind and generous person but not at the expense of me and my little family. How have you managed to acheive this balance?

What milk has shared is true for me too.

When I say yes and I am resentful then I probably need to look at my motives for saying yes. When I say no, my biggest trigger is I say no and then the other person keeps going .. ugh .. I don't respond I a very positive way, I'm working on that one. I do find for some people I have to be stronger in my NO than others. Some people respect boundaries .. some do not and they need a firmer hand in my responses.

Sometimes what I really need to remember is I do not have to give a yes or no answer right there and I can stop myself and my response is let me think about it and get back to you.

For me my boundaries are about my emotional, physical, mental, spiritual safety. I do not need to state those all of the time .. they can just be me removing myself from the situation by physical presence. Or simply say hmm .. I don't know and leave it at that.

The other thing is boundaries for me have been about what are deal breakers with myself and my experiences of life. Those can change however I have hard boundaries, as in as nice as a person is I do not wish to get involved with someone who has had DUI's in the past, that doesn't cause me to feel safe. Not going to change based upon the fact my picker is a little crooked and I start making excuses for someone else. A soft boundary could be I know the difference between an old coping skill that no longer works and the fact I feel safe within myself and my HP. I don't know if that makes sense, however I am less likely to lead with a no answer than I used to be because I realize that I DO have time to think and we are not talking about issues that are life or death.

Looking forward to other responses. :)

Thanks for your share, a4l.

This makes me think of the question I'm sometimes presented with: "How big do you want God to be in your world?"

This also makes me think "Who do I want to be?"

I've learned over and over that God is my source. Not my job. Not some rich uncle. Not some passive income. God.

Knowing that is true for me, it's also true for others. God is their source, too.

Where self care comes in, I'm reminded of the oxygen mask scenario. I need to make sure I'm taken care of first - all my needs and responsibilities are met, before I start taking care of others. Once my cup is full, it's game on, and I get to be of service in whatever capacity God puts in front of me.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that God will take care of you. God will also take care of others, too, until your needs are met first, and then God will give you the means to be of service when needed.

I heard a couple good quotes about boundaries:

We don't set boundaries to offend or please others. We do it to manage the priorities and goals we have for our lives.

Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves that determine what we will or will not participate in.


And finally... "Make sure when you say 'yes' to others that you're not saying 'no' to yourself."

Thank you for the great topic and honest share.

I'm forever working on boundaries. I have come to define them for myself as a healthy way to be true to myself and more authentic.

Slowly, but surely, I grow more comfortable with saying no or that doesn't work for me without further explanation.
Slowly, but surely, I make choices in alignment with what feels good to me even if it doesn't please others... If my daughter really wants me to attend a function that will make me agonizingly miserable, I'll take a pass... and it's ok.
Slowly, but surely, if someone doesn't treat me well, I'll stand up and leave. (not in a huff, but simply remove myself from further assault)
Slowly, but surely, I'm learning to let go of things that no longer or don't serve me well...

For me, this is how I start to define my boundaries as inner work rather than an effort to control others... which I already know is impossible.

a4l - thank you for such an honest share!

You sound like an empath. I recently realized that I too, am an empath and did some research into what that means, and how we react to people/situations. It is very common to forget about our needs - to our detriment. There are some really good articles on how to navigate this world as an empath without losing yourself.
This program helped me to see that my needs are valid... and that it is perfectly OK to say "No" sometimes!

I think the biggest thing that has helped me with this topic is Practicing the Pause.
Seriously. That one slogan.
As Serenity mentioned, I have learned that I don't have to answer someone's request right then and there. I am allowed to say, "Sounds interesting, I'll need to get back to you on that." And then I take a realistic look at what my involvement would entail, and could I handle it (both emotionally and logistically)?

I am thankful for this thought-provoking thread!

&

a4l - I am short on time but can relate to much of your share! I really struggled with Yes and No as complete sentences first and foremost - always adding additional words - usually JADE'ing. I also practice the Pause big time today. I love the idea of Pause, Pray and then Proceed. I also use quite often - When in Doubt, Don't. If I have any hesitation about balance, time, etc. it becomes a No.

I too was attracted to the wounded person in the room. I've made a conscious effort to offer prayers of support to them, and to seek out healthier persons instead. I would rather have a few healthy friends than a ton of 'needy friends'. My boundaries have come about directly related to my needs. When I arrived, I didn't know me well enough to know what my needs are. Today, I'm better at knowing and caring for me, and thus better understand my needs.

My guys have gotten a bit wiser too. They know if they apply pressure, the No will come really fast and I stick to it. They actually will preface requests with I don't need an answer right away but can you ........................................ I sometimes surprise them with an immediate answer as what they ask for now is wiser - help with childcare, a ride to drop off a car, etc. They know I will not enable their disease in any way - financially, rides, etc. So, that's not in scope currently.

My sponsor was a great help with my boundaries and helping ensure they were healthy and protective and not punitive and dismissive. I have learned also to wait to be asked and stop volunteering my 'time'. Of course, if I see a need, I will be of service if possible but I don't volunteer for all things all the time.

Heading to play softball and then picking up my momma at the airport! Have a lovely day/night MIP family!

I am so glad I bought this here and for the beautiful, thoughtful replies. I feel like I've learned to walk and want to run but I know from experience that doing that has lead me to trip over. I feel really happy from inside now in life. My nature is to share. My habit has been to put myself on hold.My faith wavers at times because of worry. All of these things I know I can work on when consciously intending to. So I have some work to do! I am definitely bad on the spot. Even when my intuition is screaming no, no! Do not get yourself into this! My mouth is saying I'll give you some of what you are requesting. As if I must automatically start with compromising. I'm not like that professionally, and have actively kept my personal circle small until now. Learning, learning, all over again! I am so very fortunate to have you all to assist with this transition. Lots of love and thanks to each of you, Aloha, Milkwood, Serenity, PosiesandPuppies,Bud, Iamhere.