My husband and i have been married 15 years this year. We're 34 &36. He has been drinking since he was a teenager and vodka daily since 2006. Over the past couple of years he drinks a half of 1.75 liters every night. I have no one to talk to because we live in a small town and he's a cop. He use to be fun and spontaneous. But his alcohol is taking over. He is a great husband. Never mean to me, only drinks at home never drinks and drives but, he plans his life around his drinking. We have 3 kids 12, 10 and 8. He gets irritated at everything they do if it messes with his routine. He works night shift so he uses that as an excuse to be lazy and sleep until 8pm for his first drink even on his days off. Its like he doesn't want to deal with life without alcohol. Last night out 13 year old called us to the lake to see his catch. The alligator far he's been wanting to catch forever. He drove down there but was mad and telling us to hurry up because he ruined his first drink. He's a really caring and nice person his first few drinks but then the drunk him comes out. Its so annoying. Our 13 year old sees him drunk all the time and you can see his frustration when dad goes off on him just because he messes with his lazy plans. He sleeps on the couch during the day and turns all the lights off and shuts all the blinds to make his "cave" which makes him happy but I'm dying inside. I love sunshine, traveling and enjoying life and I no longer have a partner. This is not the life i signed up for. He has tried to quit before but he was not happy. He doesnt want to quit. He knows he has a problem but he says that's just who he is. Life isnt fun without drinking. I drink woth him sometimes because that's the only time i get to see him and if I don't im just boring to him. Im a mess. I can't go to al anon meetings due to 3 kids and no one can find out about his drinking. Don't want it to affect his job. I want to leave but I dont want to lose my dream house we just bought with all MY hard work. And I'm not sure how he would react. Me and my kids deserve better but, I still love him for all we have done in the past and even with all his issues he's still a loving husband. Im just overwhelmed a don't know what to do.
canadianguy said
Aug 12, 2019
Welcome, and you're right - you DO sound overwhelmed at the moment...
A few thoughts...
1. You have come to the right place, for starters at least. MIP is a good place, full of well meaning folks who are either in similar situations, or have been there in their pasts, so will share their experience, strength, and hope with you. Taking this on, all by yourself, is too much
2. Al-Anon will help you greatly, and sorry, but you are not the first person with three kids, nor the first person with an A who doesn't want the world to know. The honest truth is that Al-Anon is YOUR recovery program, and you definitely need it. Whether your hubby is willing to deal with his drinking or not is a completely different matter altogether, but I would strongly encourage you to get yourself to meetings. You'll be amazed at the strength and awareness you'll feel, by hearing others in similar situations, and how they are dealing with similar issues. The stuff you are going through is eerily similar to what each and every one of us has experienced, and you do NOT have to tackle this journey alone.
3. Good books - there are many great books that can help, including the daily readers, that help ground you and keep your perspective up. One that I would strongly recommend would be "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews. You will be amazed at how much of your "story" is scattered throughout the chapter of that book.
I wish you well, kudos to you for reaching out and posting, and please keep coming back
Hugs,
Tom
Iamhere said
Aug 12, 2019
Hta7911 - welcome to MIP! Glad you found us and glad that you joined in. Alcoholism is a disease, and is considered a family disease as it typically affects everyone who lives with or loves an alcoholic. There is no shame in loving your man - what happens for most of us is we obsess about them while they advance in their disease. We typically became as insane as they do, with a different focus and fundamentally loose ourselves.
Al-Anon is a recovery program for you. It's not for him, about him or anyone else - it's for you. In Al-Anon, you will find others who've been affected by drinking in a family member or friend. We come together sharing ESH (experience, strength & hope) with each other vs. advice, direction, etc. The program offers a set of steps that we focus on, trying to work on self and regain our authenticity.
I really encourage you to try and attend meetings to see what you think. The official Al-Anon website also has tons of information to help you better understand what your recovery can look/feel like. You are not alone - there is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back.
Bo said
Aug 13, 2019
Hta7911 wrote:
My husband and i have been married 15 years this year. We're 34 &36. He has been drinking since he was a teenager and vodka daily since 2006. Over the past couple of years he drinks a half of 1.75 liters every night. I have no one to talk to because we live in a small town and he's a cop. He use to be fun and spontaneous. But his alcohol is taking over. He is a great husband. Never mean to me, only drinks at home never drinks and drives but, he plans his life around his drinking. We have 3 kids 12, 10 and 8. He gets irritated at everything they do if it messes with his routine. He works night shift so he uses that as an excuse to be lazy and sleep until 8pm for his first drink even on his days off. Its like he doesn't want to deal with life without alcohol. Last night out 13 year old called us to the lake to see his catch. The alligator far he's been wanting to catch forever. He drove down there but was mad and telling us to hurry up because he ruined his first drink. He's a really caring and nice person his first few drinks but then the drunk him comes out. Its so annoying. Our 13 year old sees him drunk all the time and you can see his frustration when dad goes off on him just because he messes with his lazy plans. He sleeps on the couch during the day and turns all the lights off and shuts all the blinds to make his "cave" which makes him happy but I'm dying inside. I love sunshine, traveling and enjoying life and I no longer have a partner. This is not the life i signed up for. He has tried to quit before but he was not happy. He doesnt want to quit. He knows he has a problem but he says that's just who he is. Life isnt fun without drinking. I drink woth him sometimes because that's the only time i get to see him and if I don't im just boring to him. Im a mess. I can't go to al anon meetings due to 3 kids and no one can find out about his drinking. Don't want it to affect his job. I want to leave but I dont want to lose my dream house we just bought with all MY hard work. And I'm not sure how he would react. Me and my kids deserve better but, I still love him for all we have done in the past and even with all his issues he's still a loving husband. Im just overwhelmed a don't know what to do.
Welcome...if you attend face to face alanon meetings, then you are in the right place, a safe place, a good place to be. In alanon we learn to focus on ourselves, and not the alcoholic, however, while you shouldn' focus on him, you should understand that alcohol, his drinking, his "routine" in and around alcohol has absolutely consumed and has taken over his life. It has become what his life is all about. Everything else just isn't important, or is merely a distraction, from his drinking. Sad, but true. That is part of the disease. You now longer have a husband -- not a real husband, a partner, one who you can share life's moments with, connect with. He is no longer capable of that, as the disease has taken over.
So, what do you do...first, go to face to face alanon meetings. Get past the reasons you can't go -- because what you will find inside the rooms of alanon will help you. It can -- and will -- save your life...if you let it, and if you want it to. Find the time, figure it out, make it not just a priority but a necessity. When the desperation of getting better becomes more powerful than the denial and the reasons you have not to go, then you'll go. Also, it's a safe place. Who you see there, and what you hear there, stays there! For you and others. Don't worry about that. You going to alanon will not affect his job. There will be many other people there who don't want people to find out about their alcoholic and their drinking. Just go! The dream house, your hard work, etc. -- and I am not trivializing it -- is just stuff. It is not worth you being unhealthy, unhappy, and accepting living in an unacceptable life. Most important -- nobody is saying you have to leave. Alanon is not a program that will tell you leave or stay. It will help you get better, get healthy, and you can and will arrive at a point where you can and will make your own decision -- a decision that is best for you, healthy for you, and that is best and healthy for your children. You are not the only person who is "busy" and has "three kids" and can't seem to find the time, or can't have people know, and so on and so on and so on. A woman I know goes to three meetings a week, has a full-time job, is a home-maker, and has seven children, all under the age of 15...and they are home-schooled!!! And she makes 3 meetings a week. Do you want to know how? She makes 3 meetings a week...because she has to!!! Get it?
Second, when you go, find a sponsor. Read about sponsorship -- and get a sponsor. This person will help you, will be there for you, will provide you with love, friendship, support, perspective, experience, guidance, and so much more. My sponsor saved my life!!! I say that without being melodramatic and without theatrics. He saved my life! I am living an incredible life today because of him and what he did for me. I did the work, but he guided me in doing it. He picked me up when needed, and he pushed me when needed.
Third, start doing the work. Learn about the tools, what they are, how they work, how you should use them. Learn about the mindset, the philosophy behind the tools, the steps, the slogans, and learn how to apply them, work them, use them, practice them. Immerse yourself in the first three steps -- acceptance, surrender, and letting go. That won't mean much to you today, although you may feel you understand what those words mean...but you won't understand how they apply to you, this disease, and what you are going through. Unfortunately, your husband doesn't want to quit. Unfortunately, that's his decision. Not yours. You can't want it more than him. The alcoholic will not stop drinking, will not quit drinking, and will not get better, clean and sober...UNLESS and UNTIL they want to...and there is nothing you can do about that, and there is nothing you can do to make that day come about sooner, or even at all! I am sorry for that cold, hard, reality. However, if you apply the alanon program and start to change -- you change -- then left to his own devices, demise, and living his life, on day, perhaps he will hit his rock bottom and make the decision on his own to get clean and sober. However, there's nothing you can do to cause that -- except change you, and start to work the alanon program.
Please go to face to face meetings. The people in those rooms have seen what you are seeing. They have faced what you are facing. They have gone through what you are going through...and they've made it! They've done it! They got better, got healthy, and are happy with the life they are living. You can have that too...if you go.
All the best.
a4l said
Aug 14, 2019
Welcome and I'm so sorry you're experiencing this turmoil. Your feelings are completely normal to what you are experiencing; I remember those feelings so well also with three children. At that time my difficulty was not having any one to take care of the kids in order to attend so I did online meetings to begin with, posted here and read as much literature as I could get my hands on. It is said that we are a fellowship of equals and none of us come here well; meaning you will encounter many people at different stages of their recovery. None of us are qualified to give advice but we seek to share our Experiences, Strength and Hope (ESH) with each other. Take what you like and leave the rest is how that works. The aim of recovery is to empower the person looking for it, I believe we are empowered by different aspects of the recovery process at different stages. So I take what empowers me as I find it and leave anything that doesn't. As I change and grow, what empowers me changes and deepens. But it all began with the first step of reaching out which is what I see you doing here and I welcome you with all the love and warmth I myself received when I most needed it. I'm glad you're here, keep coming back.
Lyne said
Aug 14, 2019
Welcome Newbie-Glad you stopped by. Your life sounds so painful. I can relate to not knowing what the heck to do, didnt want to disturb my nice life, couldnt live the way things were, etc. I came to alanon to learn how to fix my A and Ive been learning how to fix myself. Ive recently celebrated 6 years in alanon and I am in a much better place. Actually happy much of the time. Im still with my spouse, almost 28 years. The drinking has stopped but the personality traits remain.
There is help and hope but you have to give yourself permission to try this program. Youve made a great first step, Lyne
El said
Aug 14, 2019
Welcome, Hta. I am so sorry to hear of your struggle right now. Although our stories are different, they are all the same when it comes to living with the effects of alcoholism.
I think one of the most difficult things is letting go of the dream of how things "are supposed to be." Whether it is the dream home, traveling, social situations, raising children in a normal home, etc.
I think there is a fine line between settling and acceptance. Each one of us has to decide the best course of action, but I myself wouldn't make any rash decisions or give in to despair without alanon. Please try and attend face to face meetings, look into alanon literature and come to this board as a supplement to the meetings and readings.
We all understand and can empathize with your situation. Keep coming back, and more importantly, heading to a face to face meeting is the best thing you can do at this point. For YOU. Not your husband, but for YOU.
Hugs to you,
Ellen
jitsuka said
Aug 25, 2019
Welcome to alanon
Maresie888 said
Aug 31, 2019
Welcome to al anon .i.came to.these rooms over 10 years ago. Ideally it is great to be able to go to ft meetings. There are online meetings and online chat rooms too.
I found a number of virtual sponsors who were immensely helpful to me. In fact the program is a very generous place
Leaving or not leaving is a big hook for most of us in the beginning. Fir me that was one of the many many sticks I beat myself up. I invested everything into a relationship that was doomed from the beginning. That kind of naivete has been the base of a fear deal of my problems
No one final anon is going bg to judge you. We dont havebscire cards here in recovery
There are many al.anon tools that can ge immensely helpful; Detachment.fovuskngbon ourselves not arguing and most of all self care
Doing for ourselves us so difficult when we are mired in the issues around mb d substance abuse
.I Amos glad you are here
Maresie
hotrod said
Aug 31, 2019
Welcome to MIP You are not alone. Please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend often
Welcome, and you're right - you DO sound overwhelmed at the moment...
A few thoughts...
1. You have come to the right place, for starters at least. MIP is a good place, full of well meaning folks who are either in similar situations, or have been there in their pasts, so will share their experience, strength, and hope with you. Taking this on, all by yourself, is too much
2. Al-Anon will help you greatly, and sorry, but you are not the first person with three kids, nor the first person with an A who doesn't want the world to know. The honest truth is that Al-Anon is YOUR recovery program, and you definitely need it. Whether your hubby is willing to deal with his drinking or not is a completely different matter altogether, but I would strongly encourage you to get yourself to meetings. You'll be amazed at the strength and awareness you'll feel, by hearing others in similar situations, and how they are dealing with similar issues. The stuff you are going through is eerily similar to what each and every one of us has experienced, and you do NOT have to tackle this journey alone.
3. Good books - there are many great books that can help, including the daily readers, that help ground you and keep your perspective up. One that I would strongly recommend would be "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews. You will be amazed at how much of your "story" is scattered throughout the chapter of that book.
I wish you well, kudos to you for reaching out and posting, and please keep coming back
Hugs,
Tom
Al-Anon is a recovery program for you. It's not for him, about him or anyone else - it's for you. In Al-Anon, you will find others who've been affected by drinking in a family member or friend. We come together sharing ESH (experience, strength & hope) with each other vs. advice, direction, etc. The program offers a set of steps that we focus on, trying to work on self and regain our authenticity.
I really encourage you to try and attend meetings to see what you think. The official Al-Anon website also has tons of information to help you better understand what your recovery can look/feel like. You are not alone - there is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back.
Welcome...if you attend face to face alanon meetings, then you are in the right place, a safe place, a good place to be. In alanon we learn to focus on ourselves, and not the alcoholic, however, while you shouldn' focus on him, you should understand that alcohol, his drinking, his "routine" in and around alcohol has absolutely consumed and has taken over his life. It has become what his life is all about. Everything else just isn't important, or is merely a distraction, from his drinking. Sad, but true. That is part of the disease. You now longer have a husband -- not a real husband, a partner, one who you can share life's moments with, connect with. He is no longer capable of that, as the disease has taken over.
So, what do you do...first, go to face to face alanon meetings. Get past the reasons you can't go -- because what you will find inside the rooms of alanon will help you. It can -- and will -- save your life...if you let it, and if you want it to. Find the time, figure it out, make it not just a priority but a necessity. When the desperation of getting better becomes more powerful than the denial and the reasons you have not to go, then you'll go. Also, it's a safe place. Who you see there, and what you hear there, stays there! For you and others. Don't worry about that. You going to alanon will not affect his job. There will be many other people there who don't want people to find out about their alcoholic and their drinking. Just go! The dream house, your hard work, etc. -- and I am not trivializing it -- is just stuff. It is not worth you being unhealthy, unhappy, and accepting living in an unacceptable life. Most important -- nobody is saying you have to leave. Alanon is not a program that will tell you leave or stay. It will help you get better, get healthy, and you can and will arrive at a point where you can and will make your own decision -- a decision that is best for you, healthy for you, and that is best and healthy for your children. You are not the only person who is "busy" and has "three kids" and can't seem to find the time, or can't have people know, and so on and so on and so on. A woman I know goes to three meetings a week, has a full-time job, is a home-maker, and has seven children, all under the age of 15...and they are home-schooled!!! And she makes 3 meetings a week. Do you want to know how? She makes 3 meetings a week...because she has to!!! Get it?
Second, when you go, find a sponsor. Read about sponsorship -- and get a sponsor. This person will help you, will be there for you, will provide you with love, friendship, support, perspective, experience, guidance, and so much more. My sponsor saved my life!!! I say that without being melodramatic and without theatrics. He saved my life! I am living an incredible life today because of him and what he did for me. I did the work, but he guided me in doing it. He picked me up when needed, and he pushed me when needed.
Third, start doing the work. Learn about the tools, what they are, how they work, how you should use them. Learn about the mindset, the philosophy behind the tools, the steps, the slogans, and learn how to apply them, work them, use them, practice them. Immerse yourself in the first three steps -- acceptance, surrender, and letting go. That won't mean much to you today, although you may feel you understand what those words mean...but you won't understand how they apply to you, this disease, and what you are going through. Unfortunately, your husband doesn't want to quit. Unfortunately, that's his decision. Not yours. You can't want it more than him. The alcoholic will not stop drinking, will not quit drinking, and will not get better, clean and sober...UNLESS and UNTIL they want to...and there is nothing you can do about that, and there is nothing you can do to make that day come about sooner, or even at all! I am sorry for that cold, hard, reality. However, if you apply the alanon program and start to change -- you change -- then left to his own devices, demise, and living his life, on day, perhaps he will hit his rock bottom and make the decision on his own to get clean and sober. However, there's nothing you can do to cause that -- except change you, and start to work the alanon program.
Please go to face to face meetings. The people in those rooms have seen what you are seeing. They have faced what you are facing. They have gone through what you are going through...and they've made it! They've done it! They got better, got healthy, and are happy with the life they are living. You can have that too...if you go.
All the best.
There is help and hope but you have to give yourself permission to try this program. Youve made a great first step, Lyne
Welcome, Hta. I am so sorry to hear of your struggle right now. Although our stories are different, they are all the same when it comes to living with the effects of alcoholism.
I think one of the most difficult things is letting go of the dream of how things "are supposed to be." Whether it is the dream home, traveling, social situations, raising children in a normal home, etc.
I think there is a fine line between settling and acceptance. Each one of us has to decide the best course of action, but I myself wouldn't make any rash decisions or give in to despair without alanon. Please try and attend face to face meetings, look into alanon literature and come to this board as a supplement to the meetings and readings.
We all understand and can empathize with your situation. Keep coming back, and more importantly, heading to a face to face meeting is the best thing you can do at this point. For YOU. Not your husband, but for YOU.
Hugs to you,
Ellen
Welcome to MIP You are not alone. Please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend often