This morning I sat here drinking my coffee like I always do.I was listening to the police scanner,checking the arrest reports online,seeing when certain people were last on messenger or made FB posts.And I also checked the court websites to see if they have any new charges or court dates.
That's been my morning routine for so long I think it's just automatic now.And maybe an obsession.Thinking about this today makes me realize what I'm doing to myself,how I'm starting my day with so much anxiety and worry and unhappiness.I do this to MYSELF.There's so many better things I could be doing,so many positive things like praying,meditating,making a gratitude list,etc.
How do I stop doing what I do?
Aloha said
Aug 12, 2019
That's great you're recognizing that that particular routine isn't working for you any more.
I know for me when I want to change behaviors it's good to have alternative activities lined up that I can do.
Sometimes I have to ask how something negative makes me feel, then I figure out what activity I could do that would make me feel the opposite.
I used to spend part of my day worrying about the alcoholic, etc. Even though I knew I wasn't trying to control him, perse, my sponsor pointed out to me that even worrying gives us the illusion of control. Like if we think about it enough, something will somehow change, or we'll be prepared for whatever misery we're fearing is coming our way.
Back to step one. I am powerless.
Be gentle with yourself. As soon as you catch yourself participating in habits that you remember don't align with who you want to be, then put the breaks on and do something that you know is positive and enriching for yourself.
The list you made already sounds like great activities - prayer, meditation, practicing gratitude. I know those all put me on a good frequency, and they're especially important for me to start my day with as they really set the tone for the rest of my day.
Thanks for sharing, Sunny
KT2015 said
Aug 12, 2019
I think it's great that you have awareness of this. It takes time to change habits. For me to change my habits it took help from my sponsor and my group. I had lots of things I did to check on the alcoholic and they made me miserable. For me it was checking the recycling bin for empties. I did it all the time especially after work. I tried to keep track of how much he was drinking. I thought in some way that by doing this then I would always know how drunk I could expect him to be or somehow control what he did. It didn't work and it didn't help. My Sponsor helped point out to me that he was going to drink if I checked the bin or not. Slowly I started to let go of it. And nothing terrible happened. Sure he kept drinking but he did that anyway. Me monitoring it was only adding to my misery. Around that time I started to develop some healthy routines for me. meditation and readings from my daily reader. The checking and worrying about his drinking took up a lot of my mental energy. I was eventually free to do with my time what I would like. I hope you find some freedom too.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 12, 2019
Well, first off, Kudos to you for seeing and realizing this is unhealthy for YOU! Secondly, I see this as not "staying on your side of the street." It is an activity that is completely centered on what someone else is doing.
Now that you know better you can do better (hooray for slogans)!! If you have to, start off small... instead of checking FB posts, tell yourself that you will meditate for 3 minutes (or however long it takes you to check FB). Or you could actively write your Gratitude List - I know doing this helped me so much!!
Wishing you peace today!
&
canadianguy said
Aug 12, 2019
You are already more than halfway there, by simply acknowledging and recognizing it!
If it were me, I would "keep the coffee" part of your daily routine, and throw away the rest. One terrific substitute would be to read from your daily reader (i.e. Courage to Change), that have an amazing ability to shape your perspective for the day, and help you get off to a positive daily start
Hugs
Tom
Iamhere said
Aug 12, 2019
I am reminded of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. So, so agree with Tom - you are half way there! Change doesn't have to be difficult or extreme - any healthy change is better than no change at all!
a4l said
Aug 12, 2019
Good morning sunnyfrogs. That's an amazing post! I agree that is a heavy consciousness to begin the day with. I've found some cool podcasts with Susan Wilbanks that I start my day with now; I think someone else mentioned Joel Osteen; others have found alanon podcasts helpful. I'm trying to kick my morning coffee as it always is joined with cigarettes which I need to kick again. Would love to hear what you come up with! I know the small changes I've consciously made to my headspace are really supporting my growth and recovery. Cheering for you and yours!
SerenityRUS said
Aug 12, 2019
Big hugs,
There are sooo many things you can do while drinking your coffee.
I don't know where you live however a morning walk, journaling, reading some inspirational paragraphs be it alanon Courage to Change or whatever floats your boat.
I find just changing one thing about my day can make it a great one as fast as I choose it to be.
Congrats on hitting the big 3 A's .. awareness, acceptance and action and what you choose to do is completely up to you!!
Hugs S :)
SunnyFrogs said
Aug 13, 2019
Thanks for all the replies here,each one was extremely helpful.I read them all yesterday and needed time to reflect and absorb before replying.
This morning I did do things different.Well,not at first,I keep my phone right beside my bed(which I don't plan on doing anymore)and I automatically grabbed it as soon as I got up and started doing my 'thing' even as I was walking to the kitchen to make coffee.I caught myself though and put the phone down.I chose to just sit in silence and do nothing for a bit as I had my coffee and then I read from Courage to Change and Hope for Today.That was such a huge difference,I wasn't having the adrenaline rushes that I normally have in anticipation of what I may or may not find out with the old routine.I know it's gonna take time to create a new routine,for it to feel natural and become habit. It may or may not be what I did today,I will probably try different things out to find what works best for me.
I have to say though,I feel extremely depressed,and I have been feeling this way since I put my phone down this morning.I think maybe what I was calling an obsession out of worry and fear was/is actually mostly just a distraction from the reality of my life.Sure,I do worry about others,do feel the need to know where they are,what they're doing,if they're ok,alive,etc.but maybe it's also been a way to avoid making any needed changes in myself and my life.If I am so focused on everyone else I don't have time,and don't have to,take a good look at anything else.And maybe starting my day off that way and getting myself so worked up and upset was a way to ensure my focus stayed on everything and everyone else throughout the day.
This is not what I was expecting to come out of this,not at all.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Tuesday 13th of August 2019 08:31:21 AM
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Tuesday 13th of August 2019 08:32:43 AM
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 13, 2019
"This is not what I was expecting to come out of this,not at all."
Perhaps. But it is growth in a positive direction! I know for me, the self-inspection was very difficult. Even the Acceptance of What Is, was painful. But "long-timers" here, and my sponsor (who had all walked that path before me), told me to be gentle with myself, to be authentic to how I was feeling, and to "Lean In." Those things helped me to feel less awkward about how I was feeling about myself, my emotions, my very life at that moment. I had to feel the feels as it was. Sometimes I didn't like it (had to admit some not so great things to/about myself), and I backed off... but I always ended up going back to working on ME, b/c it was necessary and the ONLY thing I could control! LOL!
Note: This program seems so simple in the beginning... it is deceptively simple IMHO. But if you are open and willing to do things differently, each day becomes easier... you feel the weight fall from your shoulders...you find that path to Serenity. It's true! And remember, it is said that it takes approximately 21 days of repetition for something to become ingrained as a "habit."
Wishing for you today: Acceptance of Self and some moments of calm.
&
Aloha said
Aug 13, 2019
Thanks for the update, Sunny.
What you're feeling is perhaps something most of us felt at some point in time when we got into the program and realized that we were powerless over others and all we could do was look to ourselves if we wanted to see positive change in our lives.
That's the beauty of it, however. Not a one of us is "stuck". I agree it can be frustrating to see where we've currently come to, but the magic lies in the fact that we get to change things now and create a more beautiful, fulfilling life for ourselves. One. Day. At. A. Time.
Having a sponsor who walked me through the steps really helped me with this.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Iamhere said
Aug 13, 2019
SunnyFrogs - you are not alone! I recall vividly struggling to focus on me, just me, my day, my needs, etc. Being gentle with me and doing something nice for me were foreign - I had spent many years doing for others, worrying about others, obsessing over others, etc. What I have come to accept, understand and even embrace is that when I am going through difficult moments in my journey, there is no doubt more growth, awareness, acceptance and love is coming my way.
I personally believe that most of us affected by this disease are above-average intelligent, deeply passionate, caring, loving souls. The way most of us react to the disease is to exploit all these magical, wonderful gifts we've been given. We don't do it on purpose and there is no malicious intent, it's just what we do. Before recovery, when faced with difficulty, we rely on old habits even when they've not rewarded us or solved problems. We look for cause, we throw blame/shame around and we deflect, deny, avoid, etc.
For me, embracing and practicing suggested recovery tools slowly helped me respond instead of react (most of the time). It helped me learn to pause, consider my feelings, my needs and then proceed in a healthier way than before. It also helped me understand that I am a perfectly, imperfect person who can stand (with my HP) uniquely separated from others I love! I was so enmeshed and co-dependent, I was sad/mad/whatever based on others emotions. Today, I can instead offer support, service and empathy without absorbing that emotion.
So - if it feels uncomfortable to be/do different, that's healthy! I have stepped far away from social media because it seemed to be a trigger for me that had me comparing my insides to others outsides. Once I did this and got more sanity in recovery, I realized it really adds no value to my life and now I just don't participate. I belong to many private groups based on interests (softball, HS, City, Golf, Recovery, Family, Etc.) but have no interest in scrolling to see what others are showing to the world - it's more often than not unreal/unauthentic.
Change takes time. Healing takes time. I figure that I am still upright on this Earth for a reason, and do believe that the God of my understanding wants me happy, healthy, whole. Recovery has given me the freedom to be that, one day at a time. Just keep exploring different tools and put you first as best you can! You matter and are worth it!
SerenityRUS said
Aug 13, 2019
Bless your heart .. they say to rewire your brain takes 6 weeks and I have no doubt you were uncomfortable in the change of routine. One thing I do for sure is if I notice I'm doing the same routine over and over I will take a different way to a destination. Or I'm right handed so I will do things with my left hand and yes it's weird lol however it's enough to jolt me out of whatever I have going on .. getting comfortable in routine is not always a good thing and I laugh because my poor boyfriend .. I have jarred him out his routine existence and pushed him outside his comfort zone. It has made me lol a lot and trust me when I say he's not been pleased all the time lol. I can relate to that too. Big hugs .. making changes is scary that's why little changes help .. the big ones are less scary!! :) plus they can be exciting too!!!
a4l said
Aug 13, 2019
Your raw honesty is very touching. Sending lots of warm support your way. I can relate to feeling depressed without some of my distractions. I know I am still figuring out what makes me feel happy and alive in a healthy way. It's always nature and sunshine. But sometimes it takes a Herculean effort to just get out the door! Be gentle with yourself, sending heaps of support vibes. You are not alone. (((sunnyfrogs)))
SunnyFrogs said
Aug 14, 2019
Thank you all.I so appreciate all the different replies and perspectives.
This morning I watched some motivational videos on Youtube as I had my coffee.That seemed to work well and left me feeling....well, motivated . It made pretty much my whole day go well,which is so unusual.
I kinda liked that,for real.And I will continue to try different things.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Wednesday 14th of August 2019 09:07:05 PM
SerenityRUS said
Aug 15, 2019
If you are watching video's you might want to listen to some podcasts there are some super good ones with Alanon speakers some of my favs are Mary Pearl, Father Tom, Kathy H and so on, I was very lucky to attend a jamboree with both Kathy H and Father Tom .. Larcene is a good one too!! I probably spelled her name wrong .. LOL .. however she's very good.
Big hugs keep doing what you are doing!!!
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 15, 2019
Glad to hear that you are finding new ways to keep yourself healthy!! Keep on keepin' on!!
KT2015 said
Aug 15, 2019
wow you have so much insight. Good for you that you found something that made you feel better. That's really good. I can so relate to the reason you focus on other people is to avoid focusing on yourself. Keep moving forward you are doing great!
Bo said
Aug 23, 2019
You just stop.
Need more...You decide to. Commit to it. And just do it.
Doves said
Aug 27, 2019
I hear you loud and clear! I too have a similar morning routine and Im finding Facebook to be very depressing. Seeing posts of family and friends on vacations, out to outings etc while I have to go to work instead gets to me. Going to be spending more time here in the morning rather than Facebook! At least here everyone is working on themselves and not being narcissist or presenting a fake view of their lives like they do on Facebook!
Iamhere said
Aug 29, 2019
I resigned a long while ago from the FB scene....if there were ever a place that lacks authenticity....I can visit now and not compare my insides/home to others outsides/fantasy yet choose not too! It's been one of many healthy choices and decisions that came about from working a recovery program.
I would much rather take a walk with my God and my Dog than sit and scroll on a computer. (((Hugs)))
This morning I sat here drinking my coffee like I always do.I was listening to the police scanner,checking the arrest reports online,seeing when certain people were last on messenger or made FB posts.And I also checked the court websites to see if they have any new charges or court dates.
That's been my morning routine for so long I think it's just automatic now.And maybe an obsession.Thinking about this today makes me realize what I'm doing to myself,how I'm starting my day with so much anxiety and worry and unhappiness.I do this to MYSELF.There's so many better things I could be doing,so many positive things like praying,meditating,making a gratitude list,etc.
How do I stop doing what I do?
I know for me when I want to change behaviors it's good to have alternative activities lined up that I can do.
Sometimes I have to ask how something negative makes me feel, then I figure out what activity I could do that would make me feel the opposite.
I used to spend part of my day worrying about the alcoholic, etc. Even though I knew I wasn't trying to control him, perse, my sponsor pointed out to me that even worrying gives us the illusion of control. Like if we think about it enough, something will somehow change, or we'll be prepared for whatever misery we're fearing is coming our way.
Back to step one. I am powerless.
Be gentle with yourself. As soon as you catch yourself participating in habits that you remember don't align with who you want to be, then put the breaks on and do something that you know is positive and enriching for yourself.
The list you made already sounds like great activities - prayer, meditation, practicing gratitude. I know those all put me on a good frequency, and they're especially important for me to start my day with as they really set the tone for the rest of my day.
Thanks for sharing, Sunny
Well, first off, Kudos to you for seeing and realizing this is unhealthy for YOU!
Secondly, I see this as not "staying on your side of the street." It is an activity that is completely centered on what someone else is doing.
Now that you know better you can do better (hooray for slogans)!! If you have to, start off small... instead of checking FB posts, tell yourself that you will meditate for 3 minutes (or however long it takes you to check FB). Or you could actively write your Gratitude List - I know doing this helped me so much!!
Wishing you peace today!
You are already more than halfway there, by simply acknowledging and recognizing it!
If it were me, I would "keep the coffee" part of your daily routine, and throw away the rest. One terrific substitute would be to read from your daily reader (i.e. Courage to Change), that have an amazing ability to shape your perspective for the day, and help you get off to a positive daily start
Hugs
Tom
There are sooo many things you can do while drinking your coffee.
I don't know where you live however a morning walk, journaling, reading some inspirational paragraphs be it alanon Courage to Change or whatever floats your boat.
I find just changing one thing about my day can make it a great one as fast as I choose it to be.
Congrats on hitting the big 3 A's .. awareness, acceptance and action and what you choose to do is completely up to you!!
Hugs S :)
Thanks for all the replies here,each one was extremely helpful.I read them all yesterday and needed time to reflect and absorb before replying.
This morning I did do things different.Well,not at first,I keep my phone right beside my bed(which I don't plan on doing anymore)and I automatically grabbed it as soon as I got up and started doing my 'thing' even as I was walking to the kitchen to make coffee.I caught myself though and put the phone down.I chose to just sit in silence and do nothing for a bit as I had my coffee and then I read from Courage to Change and Hope for Today.That was such a huge difference,I wasn't having the adrenaline rushes that I normally have in anticipation of what I may or may not find out with the old routine.I know it's gonna take time to create a new routine,for it to feel natural and become habit. It may or may not be what I did today,I will probably try different things out to find what works best for me.
I have to say though,I feel extremely depressed,and I have been feeling this way since I put my phone down this morning.I think maybe what I was calling an obsession out of worry and fear was/is actually mostly just a distraction from the reality of my life.Sure,I do worry about others,do feel the need to know where they are,what they're doing,if they're ok,alive,etc.but maybe it's also been a way to avoid making any needed changes in myself and my life.If I am so focused on everyone else I don't have time,and don't have to,take a good look at anything else.And maybe starting my day off that way and getting myself so worked up and upset was a way to ensure my focus stayed on everything and everyone else throughout the day.
This is not what I was expecting to come out of this,not at all.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Tuesday 13th of August 2019 08:31:21 AM
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Tuesday 13th of August 2019 08:32:43 AM
"This is not what I was expecting to come out of this,not at all."
Perhaps. But it is growth in a positive direction! I know for me, the self-inspection was very difficult. Even the Acceptance of What Is, was painful. But "long-timers" here, and my sponsor (who had all walked that path before me), told me to be gentle with myself, to be authentic to how I was feeling, and to "Lean In." Those things helped me to feel less awkward about how I was feeling about myself, my emotions, my very life at that moment. I had to feel the feels as it was. Sometimes I didn't like it (had to admit some not so great things to/about myself), and I backed off... but I always ended up going back to working on ME, b/c it was necessary and the ONLY thing I could control! LOL!
Note: This program seems so simple in the beginning... it is deceptively simple IMHO. But if you are open and willing to do things differently, each day becomes easier... you feel the weight fall from your shoulders...you find that path to Serenity. It's true! And remember, it is said that it takes approximately 21 days of repetition for something to become ingrained as a "habit."
Wishing for you today: Acceptance of Self and some moments of calm.
What you're feeling is perhaps something most of us felt at some point in time when we got into the program and realized that we were powerless over others and all we could do was look to ourselves if we wanted to see positive change in our lives.
That's the beauty of it, however. Not a one of us is "stuck". I agree it can be frustrating to see where we've currently come to, but the magic lies in the fact that we get to change things now and create a more beautiful, fulfilling life for ourselves. One. Day. At. A. Time.
Having a sponsor who walked me through the steps really helped me with this.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I personally believe that most of us affected by this disease are above-average intelligent, deeply passionate, caring, loving souls. The way most of us react to the disease is to exploit all these magical, wonderful gifts we've been given. We don't do it on purpose and there is no malicious intent, it's just what we do. Before recovery, when faced with difficulty, we rely on old habits even when they've not rewarded us or solved problems. We look for cause, we throw blame/shame around and we deflect, deny, avoid, etc.
For me, embracing and practicing suggested recovery tools slowly helped me respond instead of react (most of the time). It helped me learn to pause, consider my feelings, my needs and then proceed in a healthier way than before. It also helped me understand that I am a perfectly, imperfect person who can stand (with my HP) uniquely separated from others I love! I was so enmeshed and co-dependent, I was sad/mad/whatever based on others emotions. Today, I can instead offer support, service and empathy without absorbing that emotion.
So - if it feels uncomfortable to be/do different, that's healthy! I have stepped far away from social media because it seemed to be a trigger for me that had me comparing my insides to others outsides. Once I did this and got more sanity in recovery, I realized it really adds no value to my life and now I just don't participate. I belong to many private groups based on interests (softball, HS, City, Golf, Recovery, Family, Etc.) but have no interest in scrolling to see what others are showing to the world - it's more often than not unreal/unauthentic.
Change takes time. Healing takes time. I figure that I am still upright on this Earth for a reason, and do believe that the God of my understanding wants me happy, healthy, whole. Recovery has given me the freedom to be that, one day at a time. Just keep exploring different tools and put you first as best you can! You matter and are worth it!
Thank you all.I so appreciate all the different replies and perspectives.
This morning I watched some motivational videos on Youtube as I had my coffee.That seemed to work well and left me feeling....well, motivated . It made pretty much my whole day go well,which is so unusual.
I kinda liked that,for real.And I will continue to try different things.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Wednesday 14th of August 2019 09:07:05 PM
Big hugs keep doing what you are doing!!!
Need more...You decide to. Commit to it. And just do it.
I would much rather take a walk with my God and my Dog than sit and scroll on a computer. (((Hugs)))