OK....I could use some ESH on this topic. My brother and his live in girlfriend (who I have only met once) are coming in next weekend for our mother's birthday. In the past he has stayed with us most visits....occasionally staying in a hotel so he could work remotely more easily from a business suite. Here is the thing.....I think he is hoping they can stay with us for the couple of nights they will be here. Things have changed quite a bit in the last year or so with my AH. He is definitely not his best after dinner till bedtime and it takes him awhile to get going in the morning. Basically drunk and then hungover. I sleep in a separate room most nights due to snoring and obnoxious behavior. I don't know how to tell my brother that I prefer they stay elsewhere. It's only a couple of nights, but I will be extremely on edge and uncomfortable. I don't want to throw hubby under the bus, but I also want to use some honesty that we are no longer able to accommodate overnight guests. It's my brother......I don't want to be unwelcoming....but......I don't want them to stay here!
Any advise on wording? I hate this effect of hubby's disease.
Thanks!
Ellen
Bo said
Aug 6, 2019
The truth -- with compassion, and without punitive motivation -- is not throwing someone under the bus. Never be afraid of the truth, as long as your motives are authentic, genuine, come from a place of love, understanding and compassion.
However, that said, you should also take this opportunity to look at you, yourself, who you are, and what your role in this really is. This is also a learning opportunity. Sometimes we don't like what we see and learn...about ourselves. Very common in alanon. Denial, deflection, and the like.
Why not the theme...no longer able to accommodate overnight guests...and explain why...with the truth.
All the best, and good luck!!!
Freetime said
Aug 6, 2019
Hi El, I understand the feeling! Could you simply say, "This isn't a good time for us to have overnight guests. I look forward to spending time with you at the birthday party." If brother is the type to ask why, you can repeat, "It just isn't a good time. So, have you heard if Cousin Joe is coming?" I can't take credit for this approach... I think I got it from the Miss Manners column
Aloha said
Aug 7, 2019
Remember JADE
You don't have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.
Whereas the truth about what's going on for you likely doesn't need to stay hidden, it's up to you if you're ready to discuss that yet or not. I know God will give you perfect timing.
In the meantime, you are being truthful when you say you're not able to accommodate overnight guests at the moment. Sounds like that's your current truth, yes? Up to you!
"The truth -- with compassion, and without punitive motivation -- is not throwing someone under the bus. Never be afraid of the truth, as long as your motives are authentic, genuine, come from a place of love, understanding and compassion."
No need to JADE, "I wish we could have you stay here, but that isn't possible at this time, but I can't wait to visit with you at mom's party!" should be sufficient. If not, b/c he is your brother, I would be completely honest... "Due to AH's drinking, having you stay here would be very uncomfortable for you two, as well as bring stress to myself... so it's a "No" at this time. Thank you for understanding."
&
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Wednesday 7th of August 2019 09:18:18 AM
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Wednesday 7th of August 2019 09:18:33 AM
Iamhere said
Aug 7, 2019
(((Ellen))) - I've BTDT - Been There & Done That! In my experience, I projected and stressed way more about the conversation than reality/needed. JADE is one of my favorite go-to tools, as well as Yes/No are complete sentences. I simply stated 'just the facts' - it's not a good time for us to host overnight guests. No more, no less. I also had to be taught by my sponsor that when I make a decision that is healthy and in my best interest, I don't need to apologize! BR (Before Recovery), even if I was able to state 'just the facts', I would start with an I'm Sorry but ...... Today, I know that I can state my truth with facts and kindness and not have to add to it.
I am certain all will go well/be well. I am the last remaining 'in town' family member for my siblings/parents. We have tons of extended family here. So - I've been the hostess often and will always do so if/when it works for me. I have been very open as I also don't want my family to feel they 'have' to stay with me. If it works, great. If it doesn't work, great. This works in reverse as well - last time I visited my brother, I opted to get a hotel. I did so for a couple of reasons, but the ultimate reason was that it was the healthiest choice for me at the time. I didn't elaborate and he was not offended at all.
Projection for me still can send me down a road to some crazy-making! You got this and I have faith that all will be well! (((Hugs)))
El said
Aug 7, 2019
Thank you all for your thoughtful and helpful responses!
Before I even put the question out there, I knew I had made progress compared to before Alanon. In the past, I would have made some lame excuse, over-explained, apologized and most likely.....would have them stay! I knew enough to sit myself down and have a heart to heart with myself on how I wanted this to play out. How I knew it would affect me and everyone, really. It is no secret to my brother that hubby is an alcoholic......I didn't want to get into details or perhaps even admit how badly he is deteriorating.
So, I was able to be true to myself.....I wasn't going to invite them because I "should" or to "be nice." I was stuck on exactly what to say without seeming mysterious on one hand or saying too much on the other. I have been honest with hubby's daughters and sister about his decline and that is as far as my comfort level allows at this time.
I will honestly state that right now isn't the best time for overnight guests without apologizing. "Just the facts!" I am sure in time I will feel comfortable saying more if that is in my heart.
Thank you again! I am always able to take something from each share on every post.
Hugs, Ellen
SerenityRUS said
Aug 7, 2019
Big hugs .. enjoy the visit. :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 7, 2019
Wonderful progress, El!! Way to go!!
Iamhere said
Aug 8, 2019
Way to Go! And I love how you are pausing, praying and putting you first - recovery in action for us all to learn from. I too hope you have a lovely visit!
KT2015 said
Aug 12, 2019
El I learned so much from your post. HUGS!
Bo said
Aug 23, 2019
And...how did it play out? Hope the visit went well and you enjoyed the time with your family.
hotrod said
Aug 23, 2019
((EL)) prayers on the way
bud said
Aug 24, 2019
((El)) Sending prayers and support.
El said
Aug 29, 2019
Hello MIP family! After the visit from my brother and his gf, we went on vacation so I haven't been able to be on the board.
So, while I didn't give my brother a reason for not inviting them to stay with us, I did start with, "I'm sorry...." Lol. Baby steps, I guess. I stated that it wasn't the best time for us to have overnight guests. He sounded fine about it, but it is out of the ordinary for me not to offer.....so he may have been wondering why.
The visit went well, but I put some boundaries in place for that to occur. They came in late afternoon and after settling in, visiting with our mom, etc., they wanted to come over about 8:30 pm. Um....no. First of all, I don't mind entertaining at that time if people are already over.....but to START the visit at 8:30? Nope. Jammie time. Wind down time. Settling in with my cup of tea time. In addition to that, AH is either well-lit or sleeping by 8:30. There is no way the visit would have been a good one. So, I invited them over for breakfast/brunch the next day. That was boundary #1. Boundary #2.....they wanted to start my mother's birthday dinner at her living facility around 6:30. Nope.....the earlier the better for us, so I suggested starting at 5:00.....using my mother's routine as a valid reason.
In a private moment, my brother noted that H didn't look well. I told him he his struggling with his health and his choice to smoke and drink are really making an impact. I'm sure he could fill in all the blanks, but that was all I was going to say to him at this time.
All in all, it was a decent few days and we were able to celebrate our mom's 93rd birthday with her.
That's my update and I so appreciate all the ESH that came my way. Now I just need to practice not apologizing when I am stating what will work or not work for us.
Ellen
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 29, 2019
I am so glad you updated us, El!
Wonderful boundaries, and great response to your Bro. WTGO!!
Also happy to hear your family celebrated your Mom turning 93 without loads of drama!
Freetime said
Aug 29, 2019
El, thank you for the update. I think you did GREAT!! Your boundaries protected you. You said what you meant, meant what you said, and didn't say it meanly. And I'm so glad you had a decent few days around your mom's birthday. I hope your vacation was restful.
In my opinion, your story about the overnight visit would be great to share in an Al-Anon publication like "The Forum." People would appreciate learning from your experience.
Iamhere said
Aug 29, 2019
You did awesome!!! So glad to hear the visit went well, and your momma had a great 93 birthday....so super cool that you all got together for her! In moments like these, I must remind myself that all families are LTP (Less Than Perfect), and together is a success! (((Hugs))) I hope your vacation was awesome also!
Hi MIP!
OK....I could use some ESH on this topic. My brother and his live in girlfriend (who I have only met once) are coming in next weekend for our mother's birthday. In the past he has stayed with us most visits....occasionally staying in a hotel so he could work remotely more easily from a business suite. Here is the thing.....I think he is hoping they can stay with us for the couple of nights they will be here. Things have changed quite a bit in the last year or so with my AH. He is definitely not his best after dinner till bedtime and it takes him awhile to get going in the morning. Basically drunk and then hungover. I sleep in a separate room most nights due to snoring and obnoxious behavior. I don't know how to tell my brother that I prefer they stay elsewhere. It's only a couple of nights, but I will be extremely on edge and uncomfortable. I don't want to throw hubby under the bus, but I also want to use some honesty that we are no longer able to accommodate overnight guests. It's my brother......I don't want to be unwelcoming....but......I don't want them to stay here!
Any advise on wording? I hate this effect of hubby's disease.
Thanks!
Ellen
However, that said, you should also take this opportunity to look at you, yourself, who you are, and what your role in this really is. This is also a learning opportunity. Sometimes we don't like what we see and learn...about ourselves. Very common in alanon. Denial, deflection, and the like.
Why not the theme...no longer able to accommodate overnight guests...and explain why...with the truth.
All the best, and good luck!!!
You don't have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.
Whereas the truth about what's going on for you likely doesn't need to stay hidden, it's up to you if you're ready to discuss that yet or not. I know God will give you perfect timing.
In the meantime, you are being truthful when you say you're not able to accommodate overnight guests at the moment. Sounds like that's your current truth, yes? Up to you!
((((El))))
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The truth -- with compassion, and without punitive motivation -- is not throwing someone under the bus. Never be afraid of the truth, as long as your motives are authentic, genuine, come from a place of love, understanding and compassion."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIS.
Bo is spot on.
No need to JADE, "I wish we could have you stay here, but that isn't possible at this time, but I can't wait to visit with you at mom's party!" should be sufficient. If not, b/c he is your brother, I would be completely honest... "Due to AH's drinking, having you stay here would be very uncomfortable for you two, as well as bring stress to myself... so it's a "No" at this time. Thank you for understanding."
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Wednesday 7th of August 2019 09:18:18 AM
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Wednesday 7th of August 2019 09:18:33 AM
I am certain all will go well/be well. I am the last remaining 'in town' family member for my siblings/parents. We have tons of extended family here. So - I've been the hostess often and will always do so if/when it works for me. I have been very open as I also don't want my family to feel they 'have' to stay with me. If it works, great. If it doesn't work, great. This works in reverse as well - last time I visited my brother, I opted to get a hotel. I did so for a couple of reasons, but the ultimate reason was that it was the healthiest choice for me at the time. I didn't elaborate and he was not offended at all.
Projection for me still can send me down a road to some crazy-making! You got this and I have faith that all will be well! (((Hugs)))
Thank you all for your thoughtful and helpful responses!
Before I even put the question out there, I knew I had made progress compared to before Alanon. In the past, I would have made some lame excuse, over-explained, apologized and most likely.....would have them stay! I knew enough to sit myself down and have a heart to heart with myself on how I wanted this to play out. How I knew it would affect me and everyone, really. It is no secret to my brother that hubby is an alcoholic......I didn't want to get into details or perhaps even admit how badly he is deteriorating.
So, I was able to be true to myself.....I wasn't going to invite them because I "should" or to "be nice." I was stuck on exactly what to say without seeming mysterious on one hand or saying too much on the other. I have been honest with hubby's daughters and sister about his decline and that is as far as my comfort level allows at this time.
I will honestly state that right now isn't the best time for overnight guests without apologizing. "Just the facts!" I am sure in time I will feel comfortable saying more if that is in my heart.
Thank you again! I am always able to take something from each share on every post.
Hugs, Ellen
Hello MIP family! After the visit from my brother and his gf, we went on vacation so I haven't been able to be on the board.
So, while I didn't give my brother a reason for not inviting them to stay with us, I did start with, "I'm sorry...." Lol. Baby steps, I guess. I stated that it wasn't the best time for us to have overnight guests. He sounded fine about it, but it is out of the ordinary for me not to offer.....so he may have been wondering why.
The visit went well, but I put some boundaries in place for that to occur. They came in late afternoon and after settling in, visiting with our mom, etc., they wanted to come over about 8:30 pm. Um....no. First of all, I don't mind entertaining at that time if people are already over.....but to START the visit at 8:30? Nope. Jammie time. Wind down time. Settling in with my cup of tea time. In addition to that, AH is either well-lit or sleeping by 8:30. There is no way the visit would have been a good one. So, I invited them over for breakfast/brunch the next day. That was boundary #1. Boundary #2.....they wanted to start my mother's birthday dinner at her living facility around 6:30. Nope.....the earlier the better for us, so I suggested starting at 5:00.....using my mother's routine as a valid reason.
In a private moment, my brother noted that H didn't look well. I told him he his struggling with his health and his choice to smoke and drink are really making an impact. I'm sure he could fill in all the blanks, but that was all I was going to say to him at this time.
All in all, it was a decent few days and we were able to celebrate our mom's 93rd birthday with her.
That's my update and I so appreciate all the ESH that came my way. Now I just need to practice not apologizing when I am stating what will work or not work for us.
Ellen
Wonderful boundaries, and great response to your Bro. WTGO!!
Also happy to hear your family celebrated your Mom turning 93 without loads of drama!
In my opinion, your story about the overnight visit would be great to share in an Al-Anon publication like "The Forum." People would appreciate learning from your experience.