I guess I'm one of those "fair weather friends" here, cause when things are going well for me (regarding my adult son), I'm pretty carefree - I've offered a few thoughts here to others dealing with stuff, and I go to FTF meetings, but I forgot that this Al Anon preparedness stuff is like exercise - if ya stop exercising, the benefits atrophy - I guess that I'm a pretty poor example here, cause my skills evaporated pretty quickly when my son's latest "disaster" came out of no where.
My son has been doing extremely well for the past year and a half or so - he moved here for what was supposed to be just a few months to live with his mother to save some money and then go back to his un-medicated, not working, bi-polar girlfriend to resume his train-wreck existence - I learned soon after he got here that he had stopped drinking and using. He got a good job, he got several promotions over the time he's been working there, he works out at the gym regularly, he eats healthy, he has focus and purpose and he's enjoyable to be around. He's not going to any AA meetings, but hey, I got sober and stayed sober without AA meetings, too, so who am I to tell anyone what they have to do to stay sober? And I pat myself on the back for NOT buying him another car (he uses Uber), for NOT getting him set up in an apartment, for NOT bailing him out of a student loan debt (his wages were garnished), and for NOT focusing on much more TODAY than my gratitude that he's healthy, working, and that I see him frequently (versus nightmare visits every six months or so when I cry my way back to the airport on my way home).
SO all this apparently good stuff with him going on, and I'm at the carwash this morning getting my car inspected and I get a text from him - maybe he wants to get together for lunch? Maybe he needs a ride to work? Not exactly - "Looks like I'm quitting my job and moving home. No where is good for me, I'm not good anywhere, I just don't really care." Yeah, I've felt for a while that he has depression issues, too, but they seemed under control - until this morning.
I took a deep breath and urged him to think about quitting his job BEFORE taking any action, pointing out that I am very proud of him for A LOT of progress over the past year and a half, he is in a place where he's safe every night, he has a job with a good future, and all that kinda stuff. His response - "It's already done. I'm done. I don't f'ing care."
Nothing more from him since then - whether he has quit or not, I don't know.
I had been thanking my HP every day for my son's turn around, I hadn't been enabling my son, I was going to meetings and being an active participant, I was praying like Step 11 tells us to pray - but I guess I let some expectations for him creep into my life - "Looks like he's better now", or "Maybe he has this thing licked" - my bad, cause it's never really over, is it?
Freetime said
Aug 5, 2019
Texas, I am so sorry you got this upsetting news and understand how gut-wrenching it is when a child is suffering. I too have one that suffers from depression, and I have to manage my worries. Al-Anon helps, and I agree it is an on-going effort.
I understand about not paying for cars, apartments, etc., not doing for someone what they can/should do for themselves. I do pay for my son's therapist, though, and that seems to help.
I hope things start looking up for you and your son.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 5, 2019
Big hugs,
It's always a reminder that this IS a lifelong issue and it's only in remission however it is ever present.
I am so sorry to hear that your son is struggling at the moment. Letting go has been the toughest lesson for me since I have the propensity to love someone to death, sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. I do to much and forget that just like me everyone is a work in progress.
Big hugs again I hope things are a little more settled and you hear from your son sooner than later.
I like what FreeTime shared about doing for someone what you won't feel resentful about. I do what I want to do for my kids however .. if I KNOW I'm not going to be happy about it down the line and get angry .. I don't do it. I double check my motives.
S :)
Iamhere said
Aug 5, 2019
(((TY))) - sending you tons of hugs, thoughts and prayers. There are no easy answers, and yes - it is a one day at a time journey with ups and downs. I am constantly reminded through my own experience, my own boys, and my life here that God doesn't have grandchildren. Kudos to you for all the work you've done to offer support and love without enabling. My best suggestions are to lean into your program, try to be gentle and not project and trust your progress in recovery and your program. Keep coming back!
El said
Aug 6, 2019
Texas,
I am so sorry about what is happening with your son and for your understandable worry. I know the word worry doesn't even begin to cover what you are feeling. I don't have any direct ESH regarding this, but it sounds like you have been working a strong program and have been striving to do all the "right" things to support his recovery. The word that came to mind was "hope." You have had hope that he had the worst behind him and hope that his recovery would now remain strong. Now there will be hope that he finds himself in a good spot once again.
I too am sending prayers for you both. The only thing we CAN do is lean into the program and take ODAT. It sounds so easy and simple and benign in the face of despair, but it is the only thing we can do! Your son has his HP and you have yours to see you through.
Blessings and hugs,
Ellen
texas yankee said
Aug 6, 2019
Thanks, all - I don't like roller coasters at the amusement parks, much less this roller coaster with my son's life. One of my big defects is that if I (think) I see the right path, not just for me but for anyone else, I can't understand why they aren't on that "right" path. I have to constantly remind myself that besides me having no right to determine someone else's path for them, my "vision" on this stuff has often turned out to be blurred or illusory - praying like Step 11 tells me to helps me with that problem.
Freetime - I have offered to pay for therapy for my son, and medication if prescribed, but so far, he's not interested. In my son's situation, I don't know it that'd be a solution, but I think it would help.
The adventure continues . . .
Iamhere said
Aug 6, 2019
I hear you texas yankee - I hear you! I can't count how many times I have sat here and wondered why my boys make life so darn difficult with so many 'bumps', 'bruises', etc. I try hard to hold on to blind faith and trust in a power greater than I - even when it is so darn difficult. Know we are here as best we can be!
2HP said
Aug 7, 2019
I so relate to fear being aroused by the actions of my children. From the very beginning of our relationship (pregnancy for me) everything I did was for their Good. When they became adults, it was very hard to watch them choose activities and lifestyles that went against (my perception of) their highest good.
What works for me is recognizing that we all have our own "teachers," right where we are.
Just for today, my kids best teachers are the choices they are making today
Likewise, just for today, MY best teachers are the choices I make (detachment, prayer and meditation... and a few bad habits with consequences I still don't like... a work in progress.)
The way recovery has always worked for me, whenever I commit to change, I seem to get "opportunities" again and again like I am being asked, Do you mean it? How committed are you?
So with that in mind, I relate to your sons desire to change... it's being tested. Likewise, I relate to YOUR desire to change being tested as well.... "opportunities" coming up again and again by the One who knows how best to teach us and bring us closer and closer back "home."
It is only our perception that when someone is suffering, they are "failing." It helps me to remember that we have all been endowed with free will. But we will all "win" our divine birthright and freedom back eventually, and not even death can separate us from the HP. I certainly did NOT embrace change immediately, it took a LOT of suffering and back and forth... whenever I touch the hot stove, I may touch it again and again before I decide I don't want that "consequence" anymore.
That's my ESH, go on TRUSTING the Higher Power no matter what, because it's a "test" that came to YOU "out of the blue." whenever my loved ones frighten me, the goal for my recovery is to NEVER let them have the power to pull me away from Higher Power whose infinite wisdom I cannot fully fathom...
Stay humble (teachable) and take your meditation time longer and go deeper. stay devoted.
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 7th of August 2019 08:06:19 AM
texas yankee said
Aug 7, 2019
One thing that has helped me a lot is the belief that while our HP truly loves us (often times more than we love ourselves), for some reason unknown to me our HP gave us free will - and for another reason unknown to me, our HP appears unwilling (not unable, but unwilling) to step in and rescue us when our free will takes us down a path that's not good for us. So, I am secure in the knowledge (for me) that while our HP loves us and wants the best for us, many times it's choices we make that put us on the path that we're on - for those times where it's not a choice we make that causes us or people we love pain and suffering (disease, drunk driver killing someone, natural events like hurricanes, etc.), those situations fall into the "sh*t happens" \ chance \ randomness bucket - in other words, sometimes there are no reasons that we're so ardently looking for. What I believe with my heart and soul is that my HP, or any HP that truly loves us, didn't put me or my loved on in a bad place to test me for some higher purpose or part of a grand plan that I'll never understand - if He did, I'd have to become an atheist.
Iamhere said
Aug 8, 2019
TY - I agree with you completely! The God of my understanding wants me to be happy, joyous and free. "Life" events are more a by-product of self will than any other fault and I do not ever feel 'tested'. I do feel fear that I may not make it or survive and do as suggested - continue my prayer/meditation. Prayers continue for you and your son. You are not alone!
a4l said
Aug 8, 2019
I'm a long way from Atheism. I agree that we are not destined to suffer, though suffering is part of the life course. So too is choosing to become unstuck from suffering. And boy does life open up once that choice is made and the work is put in! There is always hope.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 8, 2019
One of my favorite Slogans ..
Hold
On
Pain
Ends
:)
2HP said
Aug 9, 2019
Texas Yankee, I said the same thing to my sponsor years ago, lol!
At some point, it helped to realize that I am not the Creator.... can't BE the higher power and HAVE a Higher Power at the same time so I had to let go of creating my own black and white, all or nothing ideas of what the Creator should be like.
I am the created
As the created, my Creator has every right to test me and my devotion through the difficulties, trials, temptations, of life. This is learning to live life on life's terms and I was told I did not have to "like" it.....
I just had to trust it.
Life is not about making EGO happy joyous and free, though that is a popular concept of "heaven."
Through trials and testing, through perseverance of our principles, that is how I see with my own eyes, members are changing in alanon, and that is what changes me as well. suffering loss like every other member in alanon.... all has a perfect purpose.
Delicious food for thought.
hotrod said
Aug 10, 2019
((Ty)) You are not alone This is a dreadful disease so keep placing one foot in front of the other and using your alanon tools We may be powerless but HP is not
bud said
Aug 10, 2019
((texas yankee)) Welcome back and glad you're here. I can relate to feeling secure followed by the sudden disturbing realization of the opposite. Another reminder that there are no guarantees. I'm working on a closer relationship with my HP... I do not understand reasons or mechanisms. I call on my HP, the only one around 24/7, as I wait for the overwhelming crashes of waves of anxiety and depression to pass.
I guess I'm one of those "fair weather friends" here, cause when things are going well for me (regarding my adult son), I'm pretty carefree - I've offered a few thoughts here to others dealing with stuff, and I go to FTF meetings, but I forgot that this Al Anon preparedness stuff is like exercise - if ya stop exercising, the benefits atrophy - I guess that I'm a pretty poor example here, cause my skills evaporated pretty quickly when my son's latest "disaster" came out of no where.
My son has been doing extremely well for the past year and a half or so - he moved here for what was supposed to be just a few months to live with his mother to save some money and then go back to his un-medicated, not working, bi-polar girlfriend to resume his train-wreck existence - I learned soon after he got here that he had stopped drinking and using. He got a good job, he got several promotions over the time he's been working there, he works out at the gym regularly, he eats healthy, he has focus and purpose and he's enjoyable to be around. He's not going to any AA meetings, but hey, I got sober and stayed sober without AA meetings, too, so who am I to tell anyone what they have to do to stay sober? And I pat myself on the back for NOT buying him another car (he uses Uber), for NOT getting him set up in an apartment, for NOT bailing him out of a student loan debt (his wages were garnished), and for NOT focusing on much more TODAY than my gratitude that he's healthy, working, and that I see him frequently (versus nightmare visits every six months or so when I cry my way back to the airport on my way home).
SO all this apparently good stuff with him going on, and I'm at the carwash this morning getting my car inspected and I get a text from him - maybe he wants to get together for lunch? Maybe he needs a ride to work? Not exactly - "Looks like I'm quitting my job and moving home. No where is good for me, I'm not good anywhere, I just don't really care." Yeah, I've felt for a while that he has depression issues, too, but they seemed under control - until this morning.
I took a deep breath and urged him to think about quitting his job BEFORE taking any action, pointing out that I am very proud of him for A LOT of progress over the past year and a half, he is in a place where he's safe every night, he has a job with a good future, and all that kinda stuff. His response - "It's already done. I'm done. I don't f'ing care."
Nothing more from him since then - whether he has quit or not, I don't know.
I had been thanking my HP every day for my son's turn around, I hadn't been enabling my son, I was going to meetings and being an active participant, I was praying like Step 11 tells us to pray - but I guess I let some expectations for him creep into my life - "Looks like he's better now", or "Maybe he has this thing licked" - my bad, cause it's never really over, is it?
I understand about not paying for cars, apartments, etc., not doing for someone what they can/should do for themselves. I do pay for my son's therapist, though, and that seems to help.
I hope things start looking up for you and your son.
It's always a reminder that this IS a lifelong issue and it's only in remission however it is ever present.
I am so sorry to hear that your son is struggling at the moment. Letting go has been the toughest lesson for me since I have the propensity to love someone to death, sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. I do to much and forget that just like me everyone is a work in progress.
Big hugs again I hope things are a little more settled and you hear from your son sooner than later.
I like what FreeTime shared about doing for someone what you won't feel resentful about. I do what I want to do for my kids however .. if I KNOW I'm not going to be happy about it down the line and get angry .. I don't do it. I double check my motives.
S :)
Texas,
I am so sorry about what is happening with your son and for your understandable worry. I know the word worry doesn't even begin to cover what you are feeling. I don't have any direct ESH regarding this, but it sounds like you have been working a strong program and have been striving to do all the "right" things to support his recovery. The word that came to mind was "hope." You have had hope that he had the worst behind him and hope that his recovery would now remain strong. Now there will be hope that he finds himself in a good spot once again.
I too am sending prayers for you both. The only thing we CAN do is lean into the program and take ODAT. It sounds so easy and simple and benign in the face of despair, but it is the only thing we can do! Your son has his HP and you have yours to see you through.
Blessings and hugs,
Ellen
Freetime - I have offered to pay for therapy for my son, and medication if prescribed, but so far, he's not interested. In my son's situation, I don't know it that'd be a solution, but I think it would help.
The adventure continues . . .
I so relate to fear being aroused by the actions of my children. From the very beginning of our relationship (pregnancy for me) everything I did was for their Good. When they became adults, it was very hard to watch them choose activities and lifestyles that went against (my perception of) their highest good.
What works for me is recognizing that we all have our own "teachers," right where we are.
Just for today, my kids best teachers are the choices they are making today
Likewise, just for today, MY best teachers are the choices I make (detachment, prayer and meditation... and a few bad habits with consequences I still don't like... a work in progress.)
The way recovery has always worked for me, whenever I commit to change, I seem to get "opportunities" again and again like I am being asked, Do you mean it? How committed are you?
So with that in mind, I relate to your sons desire to change... it's being tested. Likewise, I relate to YOUR desire to change being tested as well.... "opportunities" coming up again and again by the One who knows how best to teach us and bring us closer and closer back "home."
It is only our perception that when someone is suffering, they are "failing." It helps me to remember that we have all been endowed with free will. But we will all "win" our divine birthright and freedom back eventually, and not even death can separate us from the HP. I certainly did NOT embrace change immediately, it took a LOT of suffering and back and forth... whenever I touch the hot stove, I may touch it again and again before I decide I don't want that "consequence" anymore.
That's my ESH, go on TRUSTING the Higher Power no matter what, because it's a "test" that came to YOU "out of the blue." whenever my loved ones frighten me, the goal for my recovery is to NEVER let them have the power to pull me away from Higher Power whose infinite wisdom I cannot fully fathom...
Stay humble (teachable) and take your meditation time longer and go deeper. stay devoted.
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 7th of August 2019 08:06:19 AM
Hold
On
Pain
Ends
:)
At some point, it helped to realize that I am not the Creator.... can't BE the higher power and HAVE a Higher Power at the same time so I had to let go of creating my own black and white, all or nothing ideas of what the Creator should be like.
I am the created
As the created, my Creator has every right to test me and my devotion through the difficulties, trials, temptations, of life. This is learning to live life on life's terms and I was told I did not have to "like" it.....
I just had to trust it.
Life is not about making EGO happy joyous and free, though that is a popular concept of "heaven."
Through trials and testing, through perseverance of our principles, that is how I see with my own eyes, members are changing in alanon, and that is what changes me as well. suffering loss like every other member in alanon.... all has a perfect purpose.
Delicious food for thought.
((Ty)) You are not alone This is a dreadful disease so keep placing one foot in front of the other and using your alanon tools We may be powerless but HP is not
Sending prayers and support.