Hi guys. A while ago I was a member of this board, and I used the al-anon wisdom I gained to leave an abusive relationship. That was a good thing; this board and the transformitive wisdom I received saved my life, and my child's life too. Unfortunately I didn't do very well myself; once I was free and clear of the abuse I started drinking really hard and pretty much lost the plot.
I posted some garbage here and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry.
I have an al-anon issue, I think, and I don't know where else to ask about it. This place still feels like home.
OK so I used to post about my mother and whine about how mean she is. And I'm raising a 16 year old alone and I used to whine about that too. Moan moan moan, poor me.
The thing is, my mum has a lot of expensive stuff....paintings, jewelry, crystal. I don't care about any of it but she had one ring i loved since i was young, it was worth a couple of thousand and was a band of jewels. I loved it and she's known since I was young, I didnt care about any of the "stuff" I just loved that ring, and she promised me it was mine.
Last year when my daughter turned 16, mother started saying she wants to give that ring to my daughter for her birthday and what do I think. Now mother and I had been talking a lot about how my daughter cant stop losing her keys, money, bus-pass, you name it, she'll lose it. She's a fantastic kid, good grades, works hard, volunteer work, she's an amazing human. But she loses stuff.
So in spite of this, mother gave daughter this ring worth a couple of K and naturally, daughter lost it within a few weeks. It's gone. No trace. She wore it to school and came home with it gone. And now I feel guilty and worried about how mother will react when she finds out (if she finds out). And I know it's stupid because I did warn her. But just the gravity of the loss. I feel sick just thinking about it.
I'm leaning towards pleading ignorance "I think she still has it, maybe she left it at her dads"
How would other people handle this?
DavidG said
Jul 24, 2019
Hi Mel... no such thing as garbage! Not in Alanon,,,
nice to see you sharing, ...
MelissaK said
Jul 24, 2019
Hey David nice to hear from you. Loved your poetry book, it has pride of place on the shelf. You're really very very talented. <3
hotrod said
Jul 25, 2019
Hi Mel I agree with David good to see you back posting-- have always appreciated your honesty.
As for the ring. I would contact the school and request an investigation-- if they are not successful I would tel Mom about the loss . Your daughter is a responsible for her property so this is not a reflection on you.
Aloha said
Jul 25, 2019
Welcome back.
I'm told in Al-Anon we're as sick as our secrets. There's also "How important is it?". Mostly, my sponsor always encouraged me to pray on these things and bring HP into the fold.
I agree with Betty in that this is a great opportunity for your daughter to take responsibility and it's her place to tell your mother what happened to her gift, not yours. This makes me think of a "mind my own business" kind of situation.
I'm sure whatever decision you make, it'll be the right one you need at the time and you'll learn something from it, one way or another.
Glad you're back. Keep coming back, You're always welcome in the rooms of Al-Anon.
Temple said
Jul 25, 2019
Hi Melly!
I think I've been picking up on you. You've been thinking about posting for awhile, I think. Because you popped into my head the other day and I was really missing you.
Well, I would only feel bad about having wanted the ring and now it is gone. Because your mother got what she wanted, seems to me. You wanted it, more than anything else, so she gave it to the wonderful kid--and I believe that--who loses things. So it got lost. Perfect ending for your mother.
And I like Betty's suggestion to have an investigation.
BTW--you haven't done anything wrong. And you are not responsible for your mother's feelings or lack thereof.
Don't be a stranger!'
Hugs,
Temple
Around here, you are loved even more than cornbread. Don't forget that.
MelissaK said
Jul 25, 2019
Aloha- only as sick as our secrets. It's funny how I get sick again and again and can never remember that these things do actually apply to me too. I crash and burn over and over and think "it's because I'm weird/wrong/not right". I can never seem to remember, I'm not really unique. And it isn't important I guess. I just really wanted it. I've been telling her since I was a kid that I loved that ring. It was cool, it was an emerald, a sapphire, an opal, a diamond and a ruby in a band. The kid thought it was cool as it looked a bit like the infinity gauntlet from the avengers. So she wore it to school. I would have %^&% treasured it, as well as enjoying the infinity gauntlet aspect. It hurts a bit. Things are what they are.
Temple. I love you too, lady. Lol I was thinking of you too, I watched a movie the other day that struck me so hard I had to watch it twice, and I wondered what you would think of it, being clever and learned and well read as you are. I don't intend discussing this with mother. When my offspring was 4-5ish mother spent hundreds on a charm bracelet for her and then held me responsible for making sure she didn't lose it. I got cross about it and told said mother, do not put a five year old in charge of expensive jewelry and then get angry when she doesn't understand the responsibility. So when the kid got tired of her pretty bracelet, I packed it away safely and when mother tried to accuse me of "letting her lose it" I pulled it out and yelled "Ah-ha!" I guess it's just a repeat. Everything is a repeat. Nothing ever changes. OH except my brother Pete quit drinking and got a scholarship to do his Phd in organic chemistry and it's super exciting. He's so happy. That's a nice change. Some things get better.
-- Edited by MelissaK on Thursday 25th of July 2019 10:27:22 AM
Iamhere said
Jul 25, 2019
Hey Mel - welcome back! I do not do well with secrets....I also have one of two kids that was constantly misplacing/loosing things. I had him share when he lost something of value - emotional, family, etc. as it really wasn't my 'deal'....so sorry that the ring you've admired most of your life is gone - love the idea of school search/investigation - it may still show up!
As far as what's happened, or the past - it's already over and nobody here (that I know) judges others! I view my life today as a clean slate each morning upon awakening as I don't wish to live in fear, the past, regret, anger, sadness, etc. I truly don't deserve to be here still based on my own battle with this disease, so truly am grateful each morning. Keep coming back!
Temple said
Jul 25, 2019
Oh Blonde One
I did not mean you are loved here just by me. There are people here, the ones with the best grasp on the program, who would light up when you came on the board while I was still thinking, "But why doesn't she "just"........
I had to let you grow on me. Am now a fan. Didn't take long.
So, are you going to PM me the name of the movie, or am I supposed to intuit it?
Sounds Beautiful! The ring. You might want to have one made for you someday, because it definitely seems to have been meant for you.
That is lovely about your brother. I wonder where you two got your smarts. Fun factod about Organic Chemistry. I worked for a Psychiatrist once. He said Chem. made no sense to him until he got to Organic Chem. On the other hand, my quite accomplished neighbor had wanted to go to med school but washed out on the same subject. So it''s kind of a sheep vs goats test, I think. Did I tell you about the time I was being helped off with my 10 year old fur jacket by my prof in A & P Lab, and I noticed the mural on the wall, which looked like a map of the Universe, perhaps? And I leaned in and saw the label on a molecule and realized Gadzooks! It's the Krebs cycle with all the molecules written in. (We'd been working with a very rudimentary schematic drawing of same all three times I'd "studied" it and I had no idea. Hubs, who's a ChE, tutored me in Kiddie Chem, and I'd memorized 1 ADP plus two Os? something something equals 1 aDT energy? something. So I developed even more respect for the pre-Meds, who were also amazing at Philosophy.
If I weren't bone idle, I'd put this in a PM, where it belongs.
MelissaK said
Jul 25, 2019
It's lovely to hear from you Iamhere. I am not yet at a place where I can let myself wake with a clean slate but I really look forward to the day when I can. Hints and suggestions welcome! I don't like myself very much at the moment. But i recognise that I have to be kind enough to myself to keep going because a small person (who is actually bigger than me now and can beat me in an arm wrestle) is relying on me to get and keep my crap together. I know that I need community, and I'm not great at that.
Are you calling me a barnacle Temple?
I abandoned my health science degree and currently I am pursuing a Bachelor of Psychology. I'm really excited about it. I was always better at psych. I rolled a lot of the units I'd done into it such as biology, biochem etc. Funny story, I utilised the universities "student assistance program" to access a counselor last year when my life went to hell (the kid tried to kill herself, story for another day) (She didn't really, I was called out of class 2 hours away and turned up at the hospital wringing my hands and crying my eyes out to find my lovely sitting up in bed taking selfies. She reported taking "70 pills". The tox report said she'd had nothing at all. She ordered me to go home and get her phone charger. Little %^&$. I subsequently learned her friends had all been taking turns doing a "suicide attempt" on social media. Very amusing, sure but I was studying 2 hours from home and relying on her to be able to feed herself and cope 2 nights a week so that was the end of that. I also went home to find a bottle of Jack in her school bag. I was going to AA and was 7 months sober at that point and really enjoyed dumping it in the sink. One of her teachers tried to get child services involved, I took the offspring to a psychiatrist and apparently ticked all the boxes so that never came to anything. Shook me up good tho. I'm still vaguelly (spelling??) frightened she might do herself in if I leave the house, and she reminds me daily how stupid I am for that. She has no idea how important her well being is to my own. I had a bit of a breakdown and didn't leave the house for a few months. Dicky default mechanism. I've since tinkered with it. Anyway the uni-paid counselor helped me decide to abandon the degree and go after a psych degree. I told her, I'm a bit worried that my communication skills suck. She told me, all of the counsellors and psychologists she knows are introverted weirdos, and she thinks I'll be in good company. Can't argue with experience. I really like her, I've never enjoyed a counselor before. I'm starting a new degree at 43, she started hers at 45. She realy inspires me; I'd like to be able to do that for someone else.
The movie was called The Holy Mountain by Alejandro Jodorowsky. I don't think you'd like it at all, I just fancied you would have worked on understanding it with me. I tend to think of you when the essoterica gets too off the wall.
Jill said
Jul 25, 2019
Welcome back, Mel.
Oh what wonderful news that you left an abusive relationship. That in itself is your miracle. (Mine was, too.)
now for a bit of non-CAL:
I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being. Hafiz of Shiraz
-- Edited by Jill on Thursday 25th of July 2019 05:45:03 PM
MelissaK said
Jul 25, 2019
That's beautiful Jill, I love it
Thank you.
MelissaK said
Jul 25, 2019
Lol and just ordered a copy of Hafiz of Shiraz, Thirty Poems, an Introduction to the Sufi Master from the book depository.
lookingup said
Jul 25, 2019
Welcome back [Mel]] ,i hope you do find the ring,,,HUGS LU
bud said
Jul 26, 2019
Great to see you Mel - welcome back!
I have come to accept my humaness on most days and it is when I woke up one morning, able to forgive myself that I had a clean slate. Each morning when I wake, even if my slate isn't squeaky clean, it's clean enough... clean slate...
I'm sorry you're hurting and I'm sorry your Mom made the choice to not gift you the ring.
Agree with the family posts above... be true to yourself... try and find the ring by letting the school, etc know, be honest (and brief) if your Mom asks in the meantime.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers that the ring does turn up and also that you find serenity and a clean-enough slate.
Iamhere said
Jul 26, 2019
Oh girl - for me, the best suggestion that I ever got was practice, practice, practice....to this day, more than 30 years later, I remind myself as part of my morning prayers to remind me that I am loved, loving and lovable. I too struggled with self-love, self-esteem and way more blame/shame/guilt that one human should consider, let alone try to carry.
Today, I figure if I am still here, there must be a plan for me/my life. I work hard to practice selflessness vs. selfishness, and use what's in my signature often - pausing. I have found that Pausing and Praying - short or long - before Proceeding does ground me, give me peace and in the moment for for the day. Love what bud says too - once I came to accept and really embrace that I am designed to be perfectly imperfect with highs/lows, successes/mistakes, etc. I too found forgiveness and peace of mind which helped with the clean slate/one day at a time!
Keep working it - you are worth it!
Temple said
Jul 27, 2019
When I read about how much some of our experienced AlAnoners have overcome, I am very thankful that they have shared and I think if they got from there to here, so can anybody.
I'm so sorry Child is still putting you through the wringer. I hope your person you talk to--can't seem to spell the word today--can help you navigate all that.
The thing that would have washed me out of Psychology was Statistics. And fruit fly experiments, if I'd made it through the first hurdle.
Well now I am intrigued. Why did she think I wouldn't like it? Have you watched Meeting with Remarkable Men, the Gurdjeiff movie? I liked that and found a group who were studying his writings in San Francisco--we happened to be there when the movie came out. They did not use the first person singular. Some kind of self-inflicted humility? Well, calling oneself "One" or "We" can be weird. "This woman" was one. I'm often not that great with groups. I'd have perhaps enjoyed seeing the dances and costumes back in the day, and it was interesting to read about, but mysticism can be stultifying , I think.
So good to have you back. "Growing on" one is American for coming to appreciate the qualities of the other while also getting over oneself, which, of course, is the real point.
Hi guys.
A while ago I was a member of this board, and I used the al-anon wisdom I gained to leave an abusive relationship. That was a good thing; this board and the transformitive wisdom I received saved my life, and my child's life too. Unfortunately I didn't do very well myself; once I was free and clear of the abuse I started drinking really hard and pretty much lost the plot.
I posted some garbage here and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry.
I have an al-anon issue, I think, and I don't know where else to ask about it. This place still feels like home.
OK so I used to post about my mother and whine about how mean she is. And I'm raising a 16 year old alone and I used to whine about that too. Moan moan moan, poor me.
The thing is, my mum has a lot of expensive stuff....paintings, jewelry, crystal. I don't care about any of it but she had one ring i loved since i was young, it was worth a couple of thousand and was a band of jewels. I loved it and she's known since I was young, I didnt care about any of the "stuff" I just loved that ring, and she promised me it was mine.
Last year when my daughter turned 16, mother started saying she wants to give that ring to my daughter for her birthday and what do I think.
Now mother and I had been talking a lot about how my daughter cant stop losing her keys, money, bus-pass, you name it, she'll lose it. She's a fantastic kid, good grades, works hard, volunteer work, she's an amazing human. But she loses stuff.
So in spite of this, mother gave daughter this ring worth a couple of K and naturally, daughter lost it within a few weeks. It's gone. No trace. She wore it to school and came home with it gone. And now I feel guilty and worried about how mother will react when she finds out (if she finds out). And I know it's stupid because I did warn her. But just the gravity of the loss. I feel sick just thinking about it.
I'm leaning towards pleading ignorance "I think she still has it, maybe she left it at her dads"
How would other people handle this?
Hi Mel... no such thing as garbage! Not in Alanon,,,
nice to see you sharing,
...
Hi Mel I agree with David good to see you back posting-- have always appreciated your honesty.
As for the ring. I would contact the school and request an investigation-- if they are not successful I would tel Mom about the loss . Your daughter is a responsible for her property so this is not a reflection on you.
I'm told in Al-Anon we're as sick as our secrets. There's also "How important is it?". Mostly, my sponsor always encouraged me to pray on these things and bring HP into the fold.
I agree with Betty in that this is a great opportunity for your daughter to take responsibility and it's her place to tell your mother what happened to her gift, not yours. This makes me think of a "mind my own business" kind of situation.
I'm sure whatever decision you make, it'll be the right one you need at the time and you'll learn something from it, one way or another.
Glad you're back. Keep coming back, You're always welcome in the rooms of Al-Anon.
I think I've been picking up on you. You've been thinking about posting for awhile, I think. Because you popped into my head the other day and I was really missing you.
Well, I would only feel bad about having wanted the ring and now it is gone. Because your mother got what she wanted, seems to me. You wanted it, more than anything else, so she gave it to the wonderful kid--and I believe that--who loses things. So it got lost. Perfect ending for your mother.
And I like Betty's suggestion to have an investigation.
BTW--you haven't done anything wrong. And you are not responsible for your mother's feelings or lack thereof.
Don't be a stranger!'
Hugs,
Temple
Around here, you are loved even more than cornbread. Don't forget that.
Aloha- only as sick as our secrets. It's funny how I get sick again and again and can never remember that these things do actually apply to me too. I crash and burn over and over and think "it's because I'm weird/wrong/not right". I can never seem to remember, I'm not really unique. And it isn't important I guess. I just really wanted it. I've been telling her since I was a kid that I loved that ring. It was cool, it was an emerald, a sapphire, an opal, a diamond and a ruby in a band. The kid thought it was cool as it looked a bit like the infinity gauntlet from the avengers. So she wore it to school. I would have %^&% treasured it, as well as enjoying the infinity gauntlet aspect. It hurts a bit. Things are what they are.
Temple.
I love you too, lady. Lol I was thinking of you too, I watched a movie the other day that struck me so hard I had to watch it twice, and I wondered what you would think of it, being clever and learned and well read as you are.
I don't intend discussing this with mother. When my offspring was 4-5ish mother spent hundreds on a charm bracelet for her and then held me responsible for making sure she didn't lose it. I got cross about it and told said mother, do not put a five year old in charge of expensive jewelry and then get angry when she doesn't understand the responsibility. So when the kid got tired of her pretty bracelet, I packed it away safely and when mother tried to accuse me of "letting her lose it" I pulled it out and yelled "Ah-ha!" I guess it's just a repeat. Everything is a repeat. Nothing ever changes. OH except my brother Pete quit drinking and got a scholarship to do his Phd in organic chemistry and it's super exciting. He's so happy. That's a nice change. Some things get better.
-- Edited by MelissaK on Thursday 25th of July 2019 10:27:22 AM
As far as what's happened, or the past - it's already over and nobody here (that I know) judges others! I view my life today as a clean slate each morning upon awakening as I don't wish to live in fear, the past, regret, anger, sadness, etc. I truly don't deserve to be here still based on my own battle with this disease, so truly am grateful each morning. Keep coming back!
I did not mean you are loved here just by me. There are people here, the ones with the best grasp on the program, who would light up when you came on the board while I was still thinking, "But why doesn't she "just"........
I had to let you grow on me. Am now a fan. Didn't take long.
So, are you going to PM me the name of the movie, or am I supposed to intuit it?
Sounds Beautiful! The ring. You might want to have one made for you someday, because it definitely seems to have been meant for you.
That is lovely about your brother. I wonder where you two got your smarts. Fun factod about Organic Chemistry. I worked for a Psychiatrist once. He said Chem. made no sense to him until he got to Organic Chem. On the other hand, my quite accomplished neighbor had wanted to go to med school but washed out on the same subject. So it''s kind of a sheep vs goats test, I think. Did I tell you about the time I was being helped off with my 10 year old fur jacket by my prof in A & P Lab, and I noticed the mural on the wall, which looked like a map of the Universe, perhaps? And I leaned in and saw the label on a molecule and realized Gadzooks! It's the Krebs cycle with all the molecules written in. (We'd been working with a very rudimentary schematic drawing of same all three times I'd "studied" it and I had no idea. Hubs, who's a ChE, tutored me in Kiddie Chem, and I'd memorized 1 ADP plus two Os? something something equals 1 aDT energy? something. So I developed even more respect for the pre-Meds, who were also amazing at Philosophy.
If I weren't bone idle, I'd put this in a PM, where it belongs.
Are you calling me a barnacle Temple?
I abandoned my health science degree and currently I am pursuing a Bachelor of Psychology. I'm really excited about it. I was always better at psych. I rolled a lot of the units I'd done into it such as biology, biochem etc. Funny story, I utilised the universities "student assistance program" to access a counselor last year when my life went to hell (the kid tried to kill herself, story for another day) (She didn't really, I was called out of class 2 hours away and turned up at the hospital wringing my hands and crying my eyes out to find my lovely sitting up in bed taking selfies. She reported taking "70 pills". The tox report said she'd had nothing at all. She ordered me to go home and get her phone charger. Little %^&$. I subsequently learned her friends had all been taking turns doing a "suicide attempt" on social media. Very amusing, sure but I was studying 2 hours from home and relying on her to be able to feed herself and cope 2 nights a week so that was the end of that. I also went home to find a bottle of Jack in her school bag. I was going to AA and was 7 months sober at that point and really enjoyed dumping it in the sink. One of her teachers tried to get child services involved, I took the offspring to a psychiatrist and apparently ticked all the boxes so that never came to anything. Shook me up good tho. I'm still vaguelly (spelling??) frightened she might do herself in if I leave the house, and she reminds me daily how stupid I am for that. She has no idea how important her well being is to my own. I had a bit of a breakdown and didn't leave the house for a few months. Dicky default mechanism. I've since tinkered with it. Anyway the uni-paid counselor helped me decide to abandon the degree and go after a psych degree. I told her, I'm a bit worried that my communication skills suck. She told me, all of the counsellors and psychologists she knows are introverted weirdos, and she thinks I'll be in good company. Can't argue with experience. I really like her, I've never enjoyed a counselor before. I'm starting a new degree at 43, she started hers at 45. She realy inspires me; I'd like to be able to do that for someone else.
The movie was called The Holy Mountain by Alejandro Jodorowsky. I don't think you'd like it at all, I just fancied you would have worked on understanding it with me. I tend to think of you when the essoterica gets too off the wall.
Welcome back, Mel.
Oh what wonderful news that you left an abusive relationship. That in itself is your miracle. (Mine was, too.)
now for a bit of non-CAL:
I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.
Hafiz of Shiraz
-- Edited by Jill on Thursday 25th of July 2019 05:45:03 PM
Thank you.
I have come to accept my humaness on most days and it is when I woke up one morning, able to forgive myself that I had a clean slate. Each morning when I wake, even if my slate isn't squeaky clean, it's clean enough... clean slate...
I'm sorry you're hurting and I'm sorry your Mom made the choice to not gift you the ring.
Agree with the family posts above... be true to yourself... try and find the ring by letting the school, etc know, be honest (and brief) if your Mom asks in the meantime.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers that the ring does turn up and also that you find serenity and a clean-enough slate.
Today, I figure if I am still here, there must be a plan for me/my life. I work hard to practice selflessness vs. selfishness, and use what's in my signature often - pausing. I have found that Pausing and Praying - short or long - before Proceeding does ground me, give me peace and in the moment for for the day. Love what bud says too - once I came to accept and really embrace that I am designed to be perfectly imperfect with highs/lows, successes/mistakes, etc. I too found forgiveness and peace of mind which helped with the clean slate/one day at a time!
Keep working it - you are worth it!
When I read about how much some of our experienced AlAnoners have overcome, I am very thankful that they have shared and I think if they got from there to here, so can anybody.
I'm so sorry Child is still putting you through the wringer. I hope your person you talk to--can't seem to spell the word today--can help you navigate all that.
The thing that would have washed me out of Psychology was Statistics. And fruit fly experiments, if I'd made it through the first hurdle.
Well now I am intrigued. Why did she think I wouldn't like it? Have you watched Meeting with Remarkable Men, the Gurdjeiff movie? I liked that and found a group who were studying his writings in San Francisco--we happened to be there when the movie came out. They did not use the first person singular. Some kind of self-inflicted humility? Well, calling oneself "One" or "We" can be weird. "This woman" was one. I'm often not that great with groups. I'd have perhaps enjoyed seeing the dances and costumes back in the day, and it was interesting to read about, but mysticism can be stultifying , I think.
So good to have you back. "Growing on" one is American for coming to appreciate the qualities of the other while also getting over oneself, which, of course, is the real point.
Hugs!