Here is my situation. I have been married for 30 years, 25 out of those my husband has been an alcoholic. AH will not seek counseling, due to his childhood traumas, he is trying to fix himself by not seeking counseling by self medicating with beer. AH works nights so there is nothing for him to do on his nights off being it is in the middle of the night. It was a couple years ago, it all caught up with him. He was and still is binge drinking on his weekends. AH was to the point of constantly being drunk, yet sober to go to work. AH was at work passed out, ended up in the E.R due to anxiety, depression and PTSD from childhood traumas. That has given me a fear of it will happen again. It has given me the fear of him not possibly waking up because he drinks and takes the anti depressants.
I wrote a letter and laid it out there, basically letting him know how the alcoholism has affected me as a person, the fears I have etc etc, also told him I want to be his cheer leader and help him and I read the letter to him. He was grateful and told me he needed to hear that. We agreed I would dole out his money, and I encourage him to not drink as much. That worked for a week, then it went back to normal as far as the amount. I tried for a whole month to dole out the money etc, which cost us more in the long run because he binges. I finally gave up. He just missed work again as a result of things catching up with him again.
I know he will not change and I know I can't control it but right now, it has control over me and my fear of losing him. I am scared, how do I get through those fears, when they are the only thing I think about? How do I let go? How do I feel like I am not enough motivation to help him quit? I know until he is ready nothing will change, how do I emotionally survive? He is the reason I am seeking counseling for myself that last 2 years, all the drunken yelling s and hurtful things he has said etc.
His family will not have anything to do with him, been that way all his life, I am all he has besides our son and his daughter. I know even temporarily leaving will risk him committing suicide because he will truly feel abandoned. He depends on me too much for everything.
Freetime said
Jul 24, 2019
{{{Lindie}}}, I understand your fears and am so glad you reached out here. I learned that living with a very sick alcoholic was not something I could handle alone. And I discovered I was not as alone as I thought.
We don't have to make major changes all at once. We can try one helpful thing at a time. I am glad you are seeking counseling. I did that too, and also found Al-Anon meetings where there were people just like me. I also have a son and daughter -- and when they knew what was going on, they stepped up and helped me. I reviewed my finances to make sure I would be OK no matter what happened to him. I took mini vacations to give myself a break. I let go of trying to control him (and that was hard... I took it little by little). I was powerless but not hopeless. I felt broken, but also found out how emotionally strong I really was.
I learned "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." I learned it was necessary to take care of myself. We deserve safety and serenity, and it is OK to seek it for ourselves. Keep coming back!
Elabella said
Jul 24, 2019
Lindie- your situation sounds identical to mine. Ive been going to weekly meetings for almost 3 months now. I still feel the same things as you, but maybe a little less desperately than before. Ive started to implement a few boundaries - which for me was massive!! I just came home from my weekly meeting and am reminded of what a long timer there said to me- none of his actions or words are your responsibility.
So my AH too is pretty much ousted by his family- if we would leave its not OUR responsibility if they chose to harm themselves or end their life. All of it is their choice. Us buffering the situations only prolong the diseases hold on all of us. Thats part of our disease that we have taken on. Believe me, I know exactly what youre saying with the fear. Im Learning that leaning into this program is giving me hope. Im becoming stronger, more confident and most importantly calmer. Do you go to meetings?
Lindie said
Jul 24, 2019
Freetime and Elabella, thank you for your repsonses. I just signed up here today. I will see if I can find a local meeting that will fit in my time schedule with work etc.
I m focusing on turning our finances around. I am tired of finding money for the fear of AH having another health situation. I would skim a portion of a bill payment sort of thing in order to make sure he had that beer, before you know it we are on the verge of power and other things being cut off. Our son counseling for himself over having AH for a father and was made at me for years for making excuses for AH behavior. He is not involved with alanon but he is seeing a counselor in general. I am trying to remind myself what I told my counselor last week and that is I am going to focus on things I can control and right now that is turning the finances around. It may take a long time but i am going to start chipping away at it. I have opened my own personal bank account to try to tuck a few bucks in here and there. I am going to have to muster up the strength to not give in and let the fear give AH what he wants.
Elabella said
Jul 24, 2019
Lindie- good on you for opening up an account in your name!! Thats a huge step! You should be very proud of yourself. Your situation is a little different than mine only by the fact that Im a stay at home mom. So not much wiggle room to stash away cash. I had a part time job a few years ago before the heart attack, but I had to quit because my shifts were in the evening, and I couldnt bear the fact that my teen daughter was home with him and hed be wasted. Never falling over, but drinking all day so by the evening Im sure he had to be buzzed even if it wasnt obvious. I felt tremendous guilt over that. So I quit. Im hoping to find something soon so I too like yourself can start socking away some money. Just in case. Its so hard, but Im sure others have gone through this nightmare and live to tell the tale- happily. Im glad you signed on here- you will find lots of words of wisdom. I love these boards as an accessory to my meetings. Please do go to face to face- its so great.
Iamhere said
Jul 24, 2019
Welcome to MIP Lindie - glad you found us and so glad that you joined right in! Alcoholism is a complex disease that's also called a family disease because almost everyone who lives with or loves an alcoholic is affected. I love to hear you are looking to attend local meetings - you will find others who truly understand, will rally around you and support you and share their own stories - you truly are not alone.
One of the first things I heard that gave me some relief was the three C(s) - you did not cause this, you can't control this and you can't cure this! It took me a while of attending meetings and practicing recovery to understand how I was affected, how much I neglected me/my needs and how to use the program, steps, serenity prayer, etc. to find me again!
It really does work when we work it - if possible, attend as many meetings as you can! I realize we often have to juggle family, job, duties, etc. as women, but carving out time for meetings daily or every other day was a great gift I gave me in the beginning - an hour with sane others who truly 'got me'....
Keep coming back - you are worth it! There are also meetings here twice a day (look to the top left for the time/schedule/meeting room)....these were awesome for me when I could not get to a F2F (Face to Face) meeting!
Bo said
Jul 24, 2019
Welcome...first things first...go to face to face alanon meetings. Go to as many and go as often as you can. Keep going. Meeting makers make it. When you go...get a beginners' pack, and some of the other pamphlets...and buy the books...Courage To Change and One Day At A Time.
Second, let me preface my comments by saying a few things. One, I speak from my experience, and a lot of your story is the same as my story, so my experience, circumstantially, situationally, is the same. Two, being that this is a "dead" medium and forum, there is no inflection, intimacy, or real personal connection. I say that because my delivery, how I am here in this forum, is I just say it. I put it out there. I don't have the wherewithal to type and type and type BEFORE I get to the point, and in an effort to set the stage so to speak. That said, in my experience when the alcoholic says they "will not seek counseling" due to, because, or whatever...I am sorry to say...that is simply excuses, denial, justification, rationalization, deflection, and so on. The truth is...they simply don't want to get better. They don't want to quit. Now, keep in mind, they say they do...but they want to do it their way, they don't want to go to AA, they don't want to go to counselling, whatever...and that means they don't want to quit ENOUGH and they don't want to get better ENOUGH. They are not ready. They have not hit rock bottom. Just my experience. So, they always try and do it their way.
Your effort, exercise, of writing the letter, reading it to him, letting him know how his drinking has impacted you, etc. -- first, if that's what you needed to do, wanted to do, then it's good you did it. So, you did it. Now what? Do you keep doing it? Do you keep trying? Do you do what so many of us have done, time and time again, over and over again -- do you use threats, logic, love, hate, beg, plead, write letters, speeches, get others to rally behind your efforts, and so much more? Do you do all that? Well, my sponsor used to ask me...How's that working for you? There is an alternative. There is another way...a way that has proven to allow you to get better, to get healthy, and to one day be happy. Now, let's clarify that. You get better -- that has nothing to do with him and whether or no he is still drinking. It means you get better, period! You can get better whether he is still drinking or not. Sounds crazy, but it's true. You get healthy -- yes, you can be mentally and physically health, and it doesn't matter if he is drinking or not. Same same. You being happy -- yes, absolutely, you find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not!!! When I heard that for the first time at my first face to face alanon meeting, I thought that was impossible!!! But it is not...I got there!!! I became happy, and my wife was still drinking. Now, that doesn't mean I was happy THAT SHE WAS DRINKING...but it did mean I was happy INDEPENDENT of her drinking and even though she was still drinking!!!
The fact that you want to be his cheerleader speaks volumes! It screams...that you are immersed and completely focused on HIM. You want to help him...but he doesn't really want help. He says so, but he really doesn't. You can't help him if he doesn't truly want help...unconditionally wants help. Meaning you can't help him if he says he wants help BUT doesn't actually do what is necessary to get help! What he says and what he does are right now two very different things. You want him to get clean and sober MORE THAN HE WANTS IT. You are trying to be the person who gets him sober.
You know he won't change, and you can't him or it right now...but you only know it intellectually. Your wants, desires, thoughts, actions, behavior all say different. All of those things have to be congruent...and alanon can do that for you...if YOU do the work. You can get over and get past and let go of the fear of losing him, you can not be scared, you can get through those fears, and get through ALL of it...and get better...with alanon. You cannot be his motivation to get better, clean, sober, etc. You cannot be his motivation to quit drinking.
He depends on you for everything and that is part of the problem. You are allowing your fear to dictate your actions, and they are not the best actions, not the healthy actions...not for you and not for him.
GO TO MEETINGS. As many as you can and as often as you can. Find a sponsor. Get to work. Start doing the work -- start working the program. You can, and you will get better.
All the best.
Lindie said
Jul 25, 2019
Thank you for the encouragement. It is nice not to receive judgement from anyone here, because everyone understands.
Here is my situation. I have been married for 30 years, 25 out of those my husband has been an alcoholic. AH will not seek counseling, due to his childhood traumas, he is trying to fix himself by not seeking counseling by self medicating with beer. AH works nights so there is nothing for him to do on his nights off being it is in the middle of the night. It was a couple years ago, it all caught up with him. He was and still is binge drinking on his weekends. AH was to the point of constantly being drunk, yet sober to go to work. AH was at work passed out, ended up in the E.R due to anxiety, depression and PTSD from childhood traumas. That has given me a fear of it will happen again. It has given me the fear of him not possibly waking up because he drinks and takes the anti depressants.
I wrote a letter and laid it out there, basically letting him know how the alcoholism has affected me as a person, the fears I have etc etc, also told him I want to be his cheer leader and help him and I read the letter to him. He was grateful and told me he needed to hear that. We agreed I would dole out his money, and I encourage him to not drink as much. That worked for a week, then it went back to normal as far as the amount. I tried for a whole month to dole out the money etc, which cost us more in the long run because he binges. I finally gave up. He just missed work again as a result of things catching up with him again.
I know he will not change and I know I can't control it but right now, it has control over me and my fear of losing him. I am scared, how do I get through those fears, when they are the only thing I think about? How do I let go? How do I feel like I am not enough motivation to help him quit? I know until he is ready nothing will change, how do I emotionally survive? He is the reason I am seeking counseling for myself that last 2 years, all the drunken yelling s and hurtful things he has said etc.
His family will not have anything to do with him, been that way all his life, I am all he has besides our son and his daughter. I know even temporarily leaving will risk him committing suicide because he will truly feel abandoned. He depends on me too much for everything.
We don't have to make major changes all at once. We can try one helpful thing at a time. I am glad you are seeking counseling. I did that too, and also found Al-Anon meetings where there were people just like me. I also have a son and daughter -- and when they knew what was going on, they stepped up and helped me. I reviewed my finances to make sure I would be OK no matter what happened to him. I took mini vacations to give myself a break. I let go of trying to control him (and that was hard... I took it little by little). I was powerless but not hopeless. I felt broken, but also found out how emotionally strong I really was.
I learned "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." I learned it was necessary to take care of myself. We deserve safety and serenity, and it is OK to seek it for ourselves. Keep coming back!
I m focusing on turning our finances around. I am tired of finding money for the fear of AH having another health situation. I would skim a portion of a bill payment sort of thing in order to make sure he had that beer, before you know it we are on the verge of power and other things being cut off. Our son counseling for himself over having AH for a father and was made at me for years for making excuses for AH behavior. He is not involved with alanon but he is seeing a counselor in general. I am trying to remind myself what I told my counselor last week and that is I am going to focus on things I can control and right now that is turning the finances around. It may take a long time but i am going to start chipping away at it. I have opened my own personal bank account to try to tuck a few bucks in here and there. I am going to have to muster up the strength to not give in and let the fear give AH what he wants.
One of the first things I heard that gave me some relief was the three C(s) - you did not cause this, you can't control this and you can't cure this! It took me a while of attending meetings and practicing recovery to understand how I was affected, how much I neglected me/my needs and how to use the program, steps, serenity prayer, etc. to find me again!
It really does work when we work it - if possible, attend as many meetings as you can! I realize we often have to juggle family, job, duties, etc. as women, but carving out time for meetings daily or every other day was a great gift I gave me in the beginning - an hour with sane others who truly 'got me'....
Keep coming back - you are worth it! There are also meetings here twice a day (look to the top left for the time/schedule/meeting room)....these were awesome for me when I could not get to a F2F (Face to Face) meeting!
Second, let me preface my comments by saying a few things. One, I speak from my experience, and a lot of your story is the same as my story, so my experience, circumstantially, situationally, is the same. Two, being that this is a "dead" medium and forum, there is no inflection, intimacy, or real personal connection. I say that because my delivery, how I am here in this forum, is I just say it. I put it out there. I don't have the wherewithal to type and type and type BEFORE I get to the point, and in an effort to set the stage so to speak. That said, in my experience when the alcoholic says they "will not seek counseling" due to, because, or whatever...I am sorry to say...that is simply excuses, denial, justification, rationalization, deflection, and so on. The truth is...they simply don't want to get better. They don't want to quit. Now, keep in mind, they say they do...but they want to do it their way, they don't want to go to AA, they don't want to go to counselling, whatever...and that means they don't want to quit ENOUGH and they don't want to get better ENOUGH. They are not ready. They have not hit rock bottom. Just my experience. So, they always try and do it their way.
Your effort, exercise, of writing the letter, reading it to him, letting him know how his drinking has impacted you, etc. -- first, if that's what you needed to do, wanted to do, then it's good you did it. So, you did it. Now what? Do you keep doing it? Do you keep trying? Do you do what so many of us have done, time and time again, over and over again -- do you use threats, logic, love, hate, beg, plead, write letters, speeches, get others to rally behind your efforts, and so much more? Do you do all that? Well, my sponsor used to ask me...How's that working for you? There is an alternative. There is another way...a way that has proven to allow you to get better, to get healthy, and to one day be happy. Now, let's clarify that. You get better -- that has nothing to do with him and whether or no he is still drinking. It means you get better, period! You can get better whether he is still drinking or not. Sounds crazy, but it's true. You get healthy -- yes, you can be mentally and physically health, and it doesn't matter if he is drinking or not. Same same. You being happy -- yes, absolutely, you find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not!!! When I heard that for the first time at my first face to face alanon meeting, I thought that was impossible!!! But it is not...I got there!!! I became happy, and my wife was still drinking. Now, that doesn't mean I was happy THAT SHE WAS DRINKING...but it did mean I was happy INDEPENDENT of her drinking and even though she was still drinking!!!
The fact that you want to be his cheerleader speaks volumes! It screams...that you are immersed and completely focused on HIM. You want to help him...but he doesn't really want help. He says so, but he really doesn't. You can't help him if he doesn't truly want help...unconditionally wants help. Meaning you can't help him if he says he wants help BUT doesn't actually do what is necessary to get help! What he says and what he does are right now two very different things. You want him to get clean and sober MORE THAN HE WANTS IT. You are trying to be the person who gets him sober.
You know he won't change, and you can't him or it right now...but you only know it intellectually. Your wants, desires, thoughts, actions, behavior all say different. All of those things have to be congruent...and alanon can do that for you...if YOU do the work. You can get over and get past and let go of the fear of losing him, you can not be scared, you can get through those fears, and get through ALL of it...and get better...with alanon. You cannot be his motivation to get better, clean, sober, etc. You cannot be his motivation to quit drinking.
He depends on you for everything and that is part of the problem. You are allowing your fear to dictate your actions, and they are not the best actions, not the healthy actions...not for you and not for him.
GO TO MEETINGS. As many as you can and as often as you can. Find a sponsor. Get to work. Start doing the work -- start working the program. You can, and you will get better.
All the best.