Hi all,
So first off I wanted to ask all of you what you think about us AlAnon folksgoing to open AA meetings by ourselves? I e gone to two already. Last night I went and literally cried from happiness seeing all these wonderful souls fighting for their sobriety and living the best life they can. It made me really sad too, because I want this joy for my husband. I saw a couple there who reminded me so much of the two of us ~ all the way to how they looked and dressed. It was beautiful and sad for me. I wanted to go talk to the wife after the meeting to ask her how she got to this place, but I didnt think it would be appropriate as Im not an alcoholic and I was there alone. What would you do in such an instance? I dont want to tell my AH about it, because I mentioned to him the last time I had gone to an AA meeting and he went completely ballistic on me. Do you think AA should only be for the alcoholic, even if its an open meeting? Have any of you gone to an AA meeting alone?
Bo said
Jul 16, 2019
I have gone to countless open AA meetings. What resonates with me is...CHECK YOUR MOTIVES...
Not to sound insensitive...but none of this is about what we want for the alcoholic. What we want -- and taking action on that -- is part of our problem! It is part of our sickness. That is what alanon teaches us to "let go" of. Very often, this part of wanting what WE want FOR THE ALCOHOLIC, and forcing OUR will. I know people who "take" and "accompany" their alcoholic to AA meetings! What is that about?
So...why are you going? I've seen people go simply because they want what they want, and they will not let go of it. I've seen people go in order to gain ammunition in the fight to try and get their loved one to quit drinking. I've seen people go in order to try and rally behind the effort to convince the alcoholic they should quit drinking. And so on and so on and so on.
For me, I went for totally different reasons. That said, the woman you referred to...how she got to that place...well, she got there how she got there, but remember...her husband DECIDED to quit drinking, go to AA, get clean and sober, and live a life of recovery. SHE didn't decide that. HE did. The joy YOU want for your husband is normal, admirable, and everyone wants that for their loved one. But what WE WANT is not part of the equation. The alcoholic will not stop drinking UNLESS and UNTIL THEY WANT TO. Not US. Sad, but true.
You should be working your alanon program, with your sponsor, so you can end up in a similar place WHETHER YOUR HUSBAND IS DRINKING OR NOT. That is what the alanon program is about! As it says in the opening of so many meetings...you can find contentment, even happiness, WHETHER THE ALCOHOLIC IS DRINKING OR NOT.
All the best.
Bo said
Jul 16, 2019
Also, open AA meetings are just that. Open. Originally, they were the byproduct of not just family members and others having the ability to go, but also for professionals to go and learn about the AA program.
As far as you...why do you think your husband went ballistic? Why do you think he was so angry? Think about it and you will find some answers that will help you get better.
No, I think open AA meetings should be just that -- open -- and no, I don't think it should be just for alcoholics. But I do think people should go for healthy reasons...for themselves, to help them. Not to fix, cure, change, convince, etc., the alcoholic to quit.
Bo said
Jul 16, 2019
Just to clarify...every open AA meeting I went to was either alone, with a friend from alanon (no different than if we went to an alanon meeting together), and THREE TIMES...a friend who realized, decided, thought, they had a drinking problem and wanted to go...asked me to go with them...and I did. But that's all I did. No convincing, rallying, sales pitch, etc. Nothing.
I let go of trying to force my will many years ago. As a result, I am happy, content, found peace, and serenity.
Aloha said
Jul 16, 2019
I go to open AA meetings on occasion. This was something my sponsor asked of me when I started working with her. The reason? To understand the disease of alcoholism and to hear it straight from the mouths of alcoholics.
I think her hidden motivation there, too, was to allow me to see how much I relate to the people in the AA meetings. If you take away the discussions around drinking in particular, I relate to everything else that they talk about - their "stinkin' thinkin'" as I hear so many members say.
Alcoholism is a family disease. We all suffer from it, either directly as in the alcoholic's shoes, or indirectly for those of us affected by it.
Other things I gained from attending open AA meetings - a sense of support and camaraderie. Empathy and compassion for the alcoholic.
Yes, when I was young in my program, it would be difficult to attend open AA meetings or conferences. I'd hear the speakers and wish my exAH was there because he did EVERYTHING these people were talking about and they somehow found recovery.
There was one time my exAH attended a local AA conference with me. It was not by my request. I knew better. But his brother and mother were visiting. His brother is in AA and wanted to go. Then his mother decided she wanted to go, and I'm willing to bet she manipulated my ex into going. I heard a lot of great things there, and I wish he hadn't been there because I was doing exactly what I said I did in my early years - wished with all my heart he'd feel inspired by what he was hearing and decide to get help. The speaker's messages for ME were getting lost because I was spending too much time hoping their messages were getting through to him, instead.
What truly happened? He got bristly and defensive. Said everyone there was looking at him with hatred and judgment.
This is why it's pointless dragging an active alcoholic to AA if they have no interest in getting better. Perhaps other AA members occasionally do this as a form of service, but they at least have full detachment when doing so.
I hope you're getting what you need out of the open AA meetings. As was suggested earlier, just check your motives. Don't let AA turn into a different avenue that you try to use to get your husband sober since maybe you're not hearing what you want from Al-Anon. Go for yourself to understand the disease so you're not flattened continuously when confronted by the disease in your husband.
Elabella said
Jul 16, 2019
Thanks Bo. My motivation for going to the AA meetings is to gain some compassion for the alcoholics in my life. I have a very difficult time separating the people from the disease, and these open AA meetings let me see that these people with this disease feel shame, guilt and even more shame. Lots of self hatred. Its heartbreaking really. Im finding its helping me be more gentle and understanding. Thats not a bad thing, because honestly I can be so mean when someone outright hurts me. I felt sad because seeing that couple, I know the husband did it , got help, cleaned up where my AH is nowhere near the point of even trying to sober up. Her supporting him was a beautiful thing to see. It gave me hope. Selfish on my part? Maybe, I dont know. Me wanting sobriety and joy for my spouse is not really about me. I want him to be happy. Moreso, he deserves happiness.
As for his anger in response to finding out I went to an AA meeting? Its all shame Im sure. He feels like hes a failure.
Elabella said
Jul 16, 2019
Thank you Aloha. I know my husband was and is nowhere near ready for AA, not do I think he ever will be. Hes just not the kind of guy that likes talking openly in a group setting. He fears judgement and ridicule so much that he would have to be dragged in kicking and screaming.
As for me, like I mentioned in my post to Bo, I need to hear it from the alcoholics mouths. Its helping me understand the disease, gain some compassion and love for the alcoholic even when they are totally outrageous and sick. It just was sad for me because I really wish that we could be that couple, you know? Silly daydreaming I know. Naive. But one can hope, no?
Thank you for your share...
Bo said
Jul 16, 2019
Gaining compassion, understanding of what the alcoholic is going through, sobriety, recovery, all that is great. It's wonderful. Remember, the people you see in the AA meetings are in recovery. Your alcoholic is not. Yet he deserves the same compassion and understanding. No, he is not ready for AA -- because in this mind he doesn't have a problem, nor does he want to stop/quit drinking. Why should he? He enjoys it. He doesn't think he has a problem. You can want all you want for him. That's admirable, it's great, and it's normal. Keep wanting it. But...what are you going to do about that? Helping is hurting is one of the slogans in alanon. What alanon teaches us is to...focus on us, use the tools of the program, get a sponsor, go to face to face meetings, and learn how and what we are doing that makes us get better and get healthy. If you read our steps...they say nothing about the alcoholic.
It is not silly day-dreaming. It is simply you having ACCEPTANCE over the fact that you are powerless over him, this disease, and getting him to quit.
canadianguy said
Jul 16, 2019
Hi Ellabella. one of the greatest things about our program is that there are very few "shoulds" (thank goodness), and that goes for this subject as well. The fact that it is an "Open" meeting means just that - it is open to anyone who wants to attend.... It's not a crime to need some encouragement - far from it.... Sometimes we need to see recovery - even if it is others in recovery - to get a snippet of what life could/would be with recovery.
Hugs,
Tom
tiredtonite said
Jul 16, 2019
Hi Elabella,
I think there is no one size fits all answer for the question of choosing to go to AA meetings as a non alcoholic and member of the Alanon program. I think we all do what we feel we want to do and just as with attending Alanon, our experience attending Open AA is based on where we are at personally.
As a newcomer to Alanon I was desperate for solutions for my exah. I surely wasn't being given solutions for getting him sober at Alanon meetings. Alanon was in place to guide me to keeping the focus on myself and my own recovery. Driven by desperation, I popped into AA and literally went up to one of the recovering alcoholics and asked him what I could do to help my husband to get sober. He was kind in his response but direct. Basically,he told me to mind my own business. I also have to say that I was on the throes of despair as a person new to Alanon and really resented all the laughing and joking I witnessed at that AA meeting. Because I was new to recovery I judged that as immaturity and irresponsibility. I left the meeting with my oversized pity pot of righteous indignation. Today I recognize such expressions of playfulness by recovering alcoholics as gratitude, humor, being "happy, joyous and free." I believe that was possible because of working the steps of the Alanon program and attending Alanon meetings.
Today, many years later; I attend AA open speaker meetings when I feel inclined. Typically, I attend them with my life partner who is in recovery in that program. Because of Alanon, I listen with no desire of hearing something that might be an answer for any active alcoholics in my life. I know because of our program that a higher power is guiding each person's life and that I can not love the disease out of the alcoholics in my life. A life journey is between each person and their own hp is my belief. I embrace the 3Cs today. I didn't cause, can't control it and can't cure it. The stories I hear of recoverying alcoholics are inspirational but no more inspirational to me today than that of alanon speakers. All are pretty amazing and what I've heard so far, reminds me of how much more we are alike as recovering people than different. But again, I don't think I would have come to this realization without program work in Alanon.
My most recent experience was a few weeks back when I popped into an open AA meeting with my bf. It was his old home group and a very small meeting that evening. While there a newcomer walked in alone looking for Alanon. She stayed and I was able to have a meeting after the meeting with her. Meeting members were welcoming to her and offered phone numbers in case her loved one wanted to seek help. They gently suggested that although she was welcome she should find Alanon because that is the family program and program for her. She told me after the meeting that she thought they were all so nice that she would definitely consider coming to that meeting again. I agreed that they were very nice people. They had even found one of our books and given it to her. It had been left by a disbanded Alanon group. What I tried to convey to the newcomer was based on my own experience so please take what you like and leave the rest. I explained that I have been in Alanon many years and am maintainiing my program and my serenity by attending meeting. I am no longer in a place of desperation and seeking help for an unmanageable family situation that included living with an active alcoholic. When I was in such a situation, Alanon meetings felt best for me because they were filled with family members who had found understanding, comfort and solutions through sharing, sponsorship and reaching out to one another outside of meeting time. I mentioned that I know today that no one understands what I am going through better than someone else who is having a similiar experience. From that place, I was able to progress one day at a time as I still do to better understand my role in the situation and how I can offer loving support rather than enabling the alcoholic's drinking. I said I learned that that was something I could not get from attending open AA. I was glad my hp put me on her path and she left feeling enthusiastic about our program and looked forward to her first meeting.
So I guess it does come down to what motivates each of us to attend AA as an Alanon. Recovery is so individualized. No one can tell us how to work our program, there are no rules per se just suggestions. With that said, I would never attend a "closed" AA meeting. I am not an alcoholic and I would feel like an intruder. Anyway, that's my experience. We've all got our own. ((hugs)) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Tuesday 16th of July 2019 03:03:55 PM
SerenityRUS said
Jul 16, 2019
I'm a huge fan of open AA meetings .. sometimes they get super real because I saw a lot of wonderful people that the disease won and they paid the ultimate price. I was so fortunate that the little group I attended allowed me to share as I needed to. I loved that about them. I still stop in and say "hi" as I get the chance. Open AA meetings gave me a different perspective of the disease a more objective side of things. Seeing the illness and seeing the person behind the illness. I miss them a great deal just for their humor and wisdom. I actually got more out of the AA meetings than I did the alanon for a while. Big big hugs. S :)
Iamhere said
Jul 16, 2019
Anyone is invited to attend an open AA meeting at any time for any reason. Simple. No reason, no invitation, no need to fret - anyone is welcome. I have never been to an open meeting where we asked why someone was present, so even motive for attending doesn't matter. Most go out of support for one in recovery or to better understand the disease, the diseased or the program of recovery from the disease. Most open AA meetings have speakers, and most speakers cover 3 main areas - What it Was Like, What Happened and What it is Like Now. Of course, there can and are different formats for open meetings, that's just what we typically see here in our speaker meetings.
I believe it's perfectly normal to be sad and wish/hope that your loved one would 'get it'. After 32+ years in recovery, I still have those thoughts at different times as my family has the disease flowing freely across multiple generations. It's not unhealthy to feel - what is unhealthy for me is if I take my feelings and try to impose my will on others, obsess over them or it and project - good or bad. Both programs carefully suggest that we carry the message, and not the person.
It's your choice who you share with about any action you take in recovery. I have not felt the need in those 32+ years to shout from the rooftops that I am in recovery and I often depart from my home to attend a meeting and not disclose. Recovery has given me the freedom to decide for me who I share what with, when, etc. I can say from personal experience that an active alcoholic has absolutely no interest in hearing anything about recovery, AA, meetings, etc. simply because until ready, denial is a safer space to be in.
I love that we each get to define our recovery program as we need to. There are no 'absolutes' as stated above, and many of us hear suggestions, make an effort and adopt the tool or pass on it (for today). The 'take what you like and leave the rest' was helpful to me. It took me a while of practicing this program, working with a sponsor and working the steps to even know who I was, let alone what motivated me. Keep doing what you are doing and keep attending any meetings you want and keep asking questions. You are doing just fine!! I applaud your courage to go, and believe that if you go again, and do approach the gal, she will kindly talk with you....I have been approached often in meetings (open and closed) and the same mantra of, 'when anyone, any where reaches out for help....' applies to AA & Al-Anon. (((Hugs)))
-- Edited by Iamhere on Tuesday 16th of July 2019 09:13:02 PM
-- Edited by Iamhere on Tuesday 16th of July 2019 09:14:51 PM
Jen61 said
Jul 27, 2019
I went to many open AA meetings. I always just went by myself. I got a lot out of them and would recommend anyone to go.
Not to sound insensitive...but none of this is about what we want for the alcoholic. What we want -- and taking action on that -- is part of our problem! It is part of our sickness. That is what alanon teaches us to "let go" of. Very often, this part of wanting what WE want FOR THE ALCOHOLIC, and forcing OUR will. I know people who "take" and "accompany" their alcoholic to AA meetings! What is that about?
So...why are you going? I've seen people go simply because they want what they want, and they will not let go of it. I've seen people go in order to gain ammunition in the fight to try and get their loved one to quit drinking. I've seen people go in order to try and rally behind the effort to convince the alcoholic they should quit drinking. And so on and so on and so on.
For me, I went for totally different reasons. That said, the woman you referred to...how she got to that place...well, she got there how she got there, but remember...her husband DECIDED to quit drinking, go to AA, get clean and sober, and live a life of recovery. SHE didn't decide that. HE did. The joy YOU want for your husband is normal, admirable, and everyone wants that for their loved one. But what WE WANT is not part of the equation. The alcoholic will not stop drinking UNLESS and UNTIL THEY WANT TO. Not US. Sad, but true.
You should be working your alanon program, with your sponsor, so you can end up in a similar place WHETHER YOUR HUSBAND IS DRINKING OR NOT. That is what the alanon program is about! As it says in the opening of so many meetings...you can find contentment, even happiness, WHETHER THE ALCOHOLIC IS DRINKING OR NOT.
All the best.
As far as you...why do you think your husband went ballistic? Why do you think he was so angry? Think about it and you will find some answers that will help you get better.
No, I think open AA meetings should be just that -- open -- and no, I don't think it should be just for alcoholics. But I do think people should go for healthy reasons...for themselves, to help them. Not to fix, cure, change, convince, etc., the alcoholic to quit.
I let go of trying to force my will many years ago. As a result, I am happy, content, found peace, and serenity.
I think her hidden motivation there, too, was to allow me to see how much I relate to the people in the AA meetings. If you take away the discussions around drinking in particular, I relate to everything else that they talk about - their "stinkin' thinkin'" as I hear so many members say.
Alcoholism is a family disease. We all suffer from it, either directly as in the alcoholic's shoes, or indirectly for those of us affected by it.
Other things I gained from attending open AA meetings - a sense of support and camaraderie. Empathy and compassion for the alcoholic.
Yes, when I was young in my program, it would be difficult to attend open AA meetings or conferences. I'd hear the speakers and wish my exAH was there because he did EVERYTHING these people were talking about and they somehow found recovery.
There was one time my exAH attended a local AA conference with me. It was not by my request. I knew better. But his brother and mother were visiting. His brother is in AA and wanted to go. Then his mother decided she wanted to go, and I'm willing to bet she manipulated my ex into going. I heard a lot of great things there, and I wish he hadn't been there because I was doing exactly what I said I did in my early years - wished with all my heart he'd feel inspired by what he was hearing and decide to get help. The speaker's messages for ME were getting lost because I was spending too much time hoping their messages were getting through to him, instead.
What truly happened? He got bristly and defensive. Said everyone there was looking at him with hatred and judgment.
This is why it's pointless dragging an active alcoholic to AA if they have no interest in getting better. Perhaps other AA members occasionally do this as a form of service, but they at least have full detachment when doing so.
I hope you're getting what you need out of the open AA meetings. As was suggested earlier, just check your motives. Don't let AA turn into a different avenue that you try to use to get your husband sober since maybe you're not hearing what you want from Al-Anon. Go for yourself to understand the disease so you're not flattened continuously when confronted by the disease in your husband.
It is not silly day-dreaming. It is simply you having ACCEPTANCE over the fact that you are powerless over him, this disease, and getting him to quit.
Hi Ellabella. one of the greatest things about our program is that there are very few "shoulds" (thank goodness), and that goes for this subject as well. The fact that it is an "Open" meeting means just that - it is open to anyone who wants to attend.... It's not a crime to need some encouragement - far from it.... Sometimes we need to see recovery - even if it is others in recovery - to get a snippet of what life could/would be with recovery.
Hugs,
Tom
Hi Elabella,
I think there is no one size fits all answer for the question of choosing to go to AA meetings as a non alcoholic and member of the Alanon program. I think we all do what we feel we want to do and just as with attending Alanon, our experience attending Open AA is based on where we are at personally.
As a newcomer to Alanon I was desperate for solutions for my exah. I surely wasn't being given solutions for getting him sober at Alanon meetings. Alanon was in place to guide me to keeping the focus on myself and my own recovery. Driven by desperation, I popped into AA and literally went up to one of the recovering alcoholics and asked him what I could do to help my husband to get sober. He was kind in his response but direct. Basically,he told me to mind my own business. I also have to say that I was on the throes of despair as a person new to Alanon and really resented all the laughing and joking I witnessed at that AA meeting. Because I was new to recovery I judged that as immaturity and irresponsibility. I left the meeting with my oversized pity pot of righteous indignation. Today I recognize such expressions of playfulness by recovering alcoholics as gratitude, humor, being "happy, joyous and free." I believe that was possible because of working the steps of the Alanon program and attending Alanon meetings.
Today, many years later; I attend AA open speaker meetings when I feel inclined. Typically, I attend them with my life partner who is in recovery in that program. Because of Alanon, I listen with no desire of hearing something that might be an answer for any active alcoholics in my life. I know because of our program that a higher power is guiding each person's life and that I can not love the disease out of the alcoholics in my life. A life journey is between each person and their own hp is my belief. I embrace the 3Cs today. I didn't cause, can't control it and can't cure it. The stories I hear of recoverying alcoholics are inspirational but no more inspirational to me today than that of alanon speakers. All are pretty amazing and what I've heard so far, reminds me of how much more we are alike as recovering people than different. But again, I don't think I would have come to this realization without program work in Alanon.
My most recent experience was a few weeks back when I popped into an open AA meeting with my bf. It was his old home group and a very small meeting that evening. While there a newcomer walked in alone looking for Alanon. She stayed and I was able to have a meeting after the meeting with her. Meeting members were welcoming to her and offered phone numbers in case her loved one wanted to seek help. They gently suggested that although she was welcome she should find Alanon because that is the family program and program for her. She told me after the meeting that she thought they were all so nice that she would definitely consider coming to that meeting again. I agreed that they were very nice people. They had even found one of our books and given it to her. It had been left by a disbanded Alanon group. What I tried to convey to the newcomer was based on my own experience so please take what you like and leave the rest. I explained that I have been in Alanon many years and am maintainiing my program and my serenity by attending meeting. I am no longer in a place of desperation and seeking help for an unmanageable family situation that included living with an active alcoholic. When I was in such a situation, Alanon meetings felt best for me because they were filled with family members who had found understanding, comfort and solutions through sharing, sponsorship and reaching out to one another outside of meeting time. I mentioned that I know today that no one understands what I am going through better than someone else who is having a similiar experience. From that place, I was able to progress one day at a time as I still do to better understand my role in the situation and how I can offer loving support rather than enabling the alcoholic's drinking. I said I learned that that was something I could not get from attending open AA. I was glad my hp put me on her path and she left feeling enthusiastic about our program and looked forward to her first meeting.
So I guess it does come down to what motivates each of us to attend AA as an Alanon. Recovery is so individualized. No one can tell us how to work our program, there are no rules per se just suggestions. With that said, I would never attend a "closed" AA meeting. I am not an alcoholic and I would feel like an intruder. Anyway, that's my experience. We've all got our own.
((hugs)) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Tuesday 16th of July 2019 03:03:55 PM
Anyone is invited to attend an open AA meeting at any time for any reason. Simple. No reason, no invitation, no need to fret - anyone is welcome. I have never been to an open meeting where we asked why someone was present, so even motive for attending doesn't matter. Most go out of support for one in recovery or to better understand the disease, the diseased or the program of recovery from the disease. Most open AA meetings have speakers, and most speakers cover 3 main areas - What it Was Like, What Happened and What it is Like Now. Of course, there can and are different formats for open meetings, that's just what we typically see here in our speaker meetings.
I believe it's perfectly normal to be sad and wish/hope that your loved one would 'get it'. After 32+ years in recovery, I still have those thoughts at different times as my family has the disease flowing freely across multiple generations. It's not unhealthy to feel - what is unhealthy for me is if I take my feelings and try to impose my will on others, obsess over them or it and project - good or bad. Both programs carefully suggest that we carry the message, and not the person.
It's your choice who you share with about any action you take in recovery. I have not felt the need in those 32+ years to shout from the rooftops that I am in recovery and I often depart from my home to attend a meeting and not disclose. Recovery has given me the freedom to decide for me who I share what with, when, etc. I can say from personal experience that an active alcoholic has absolutely no interest in hearing anything about recovery, AA, meetings, etc. simply because until ready, denial is a safer space to be in.
I love that we each get to define our recovery program as we need to. There are no 'absolutes' as stated above, and many of us hear suggestions, make an effort and adopt the tool or pass on it (for today). The 'take what you like and leave the rest' was helpful to me. It took me a while of practicing this program, working with a sponsor and working the steps to even know who I was, let alone what motivated me. Keep doing what you are doing and keep attending any meetings you want and keep asking questions. You are doing just fine!! I applaud your courage to go, and believe that if you go again, and do approach the gal, she will kindly talk with you....I have been approached often in meetings (open and closed) and the same mantra of, 'when anyone, any where reaches out for help....' applies to AA & Al-Anon. (((Hugs)))
-- Edited by Iamhere on Tuesday 16th of July 2019 09:13:02 PM
-- Edited by Iamhere on Tuesday 16th of July 2019 09:14:51 PM
I went to many open AA meetings. I always just went by myself. I got a lot out of them and would recommend anyone to go.