I felt the need to touch base with the literature available on the roles of family members in alcoholic families, ie: the hero, the scapegoat, the lost child, the mascot, the golden child, cheif enabler and addict. Reflecting on the nature of the dis-ease and it's rippling impact accross generations. This I think will remain my challenge, to step out from that conditioning. I can see touches of those roles in my own little ones. Mostly my little hero, who pushes herself, is outstanding in all areas but it's never enough. She is so much like me whilst also being 110 percent herself. I have to find a way to adapt my parenting style to the manifestation of my parenting influence up to now.
But the roles in the family I was thinking more about adulthood. I played cheif enabler, hero and scapegoat but mostly the first one. I married a scapegoat.
We are still married, though living apart. It's working for us. Things got pretty toxic we were both sick.
It's quite I don't know, eye opening or shocking to see how the real life examples of roles work. Especially when someone challenges the designation. One is not allowed to change or challenge the family order because this throws everybody else out. Losing the family scapegoat must be the most terrifying challenge because who would want to take the scapegoats role as carrier of the families scorn? Additionally when you no longer have the "bad" one to blame, the only place to look is back at the remaining members .This could mean breaking denial and that must never happen. The hero is now fallen, to become addict and mascot, the lost child sides with the golden child, cheif enabler now martyr. I'm sure everyone wants to be the hero. We all are our own heroes on this recovery journey.
When i met my husband I was early sobriety. Except that sobriety was not really sobriety because I didn't know I was an alcoholic, I had accepted only that alcohol was not always good for me and may cause me to lose control. I had decided not to drink. I was a control freak but I was also lost and uncertain, battle scarred and searching. I did see in him the potential for rescuing and his reputation was for being one of the worst. But I didn't really accept that and I'm glad I didn't. Just a classic scapegoat fulfilling his role, said me, I will get you out of here and somehow we will together ascend. Well it's been a trip! I no longer feel a need to rescue this guy. It's pretty clear he resents it and after a while so did I! But we made it to here and now I'm looking at what I want and what I can be responsible for in a healthy way. He is committed to working and providing, knows he can't drink but is waiting until that decision is made for him. There are some very strong warning signs from his body. I support by not enabling. I listen. I tell him we would like him around for at least another twenty years. Beyond that what can I do? Nothing. I'm here looking at my own family roles and not liking them. I'm considering washing my hands of the whole toxic affair and risking starting over AGAIN, not for material security, but inner peace. Life's interesting. Thanks for reading if you got this far and have a beautiful day.
Iamhere said
Jul 14, 2019
A4l - love, love, love this.....the reflection, the honesty and the review of the roles. In my family of origin, I am the scapegoat. I was the black sheep and in the minds of my brothers, parents and probably others, the broken one as I needed recovery, therapy, etc. In my current family, I am still the scapegoat - my AH and my boys consider me the largest problem in their lives. In spite of my recovery work, and where I am today, when there is any conflict, my boys tend to float backwards in time and reach for blame/shame to throw my way. I've made amends and many changes and no longer argue, fight or even engage in most of the insanity and am grateful to have found my footing in my program.
I could write novels on roles, labels, etc. I feel as if I've washed my hands of the past, but remain steadfast in my commitment as a daughter, sister, wife and mother, just for today. That may change tomorrow but just for today, I am able to find peace, joy and serenity in my own skin even if others are spinning around me!
Keep doing you, your recovery and I believe the answers will come! (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Jul 15, 2019
Great topic A41 Thanks for your honesty and clarity
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 15, 2019
Very interesting topic, A41, and I admire your honesty. This makes me want to investigate this too!
DavidG said
Jul 15, 2019
I am 68 now A41 and my roles have flip-flopped all over the place. I used to have VICTIM tattooed to my forehead, and emblazoned on both the back and the front of my tee-shirt. ...
I was a true, and natural victim too. ... ..."being assertive" came in as women began to find their feet, and their wings. I wanted a piece of that for myself... discovered boundaries-
and now venturing into the arena of personal space... and how we get out mature emotional needs met and received and taken...
...There was a time where I would go scrambling through the literature, before I spoke- jus tin case my thoughts were not fully authorised. Here, especially, after reviewing the readings in all three of our dailies- I realised that most bases were covered- all along...
...our concerns, and our healing all gravitate to the same basic themes... self- care... ...serenity... ... ...
...being in a group is just so reassuring!!!
Hmmm... I am flipping back, and re-reading your post... I am no longer warping myself to fit in. [at least I don't think so].
I related so much to your posting- and i do believe that the journey does become easier, as we go along... ...
lookingup said
Jul 15, 2019
love your topic and esh,A41,and all the replies given above,
,,,,,,,,,LU
canadianguy said
Jul 15, 2019
This post reminds me of an old one from many years ago, as we all seem to play an evolving and variety of roles in this thing called life (and recovery) - both the AA person as well as the Al-Anoner.
Thanks for your post a41. I know I played so many of these roles in the family. It differed from situation to situation. In the home there was constant imbalance, misery making, the elephant in the middle of the room that everyone danced around in their own way. What is true for me today is that my own dysfunctional dance doesn't stop just because the elephant is acknowledged or removed. In any relationship, situation that has dynamics that resemble the alcoholic family, the old ways can resurface or at the very least an internal alarm will signal this feels uncomfortable, unsafe. With recovery however there is not diving headlong into full participation. On the other hand, I don't have to detach with an axe to keep well.
I haven't shared about this here but just a few weeks ago when I was feeling totally disgusted with life on life's terms, my hp gave me a thump on the head. An old bf who I'd wanted to marry through some sleuthing found me. He sent me a letter making amends and filled me in on his life. He is in the same place he admitted in many ways as he was a half lifetime ago. He had been on his way to building a very successful career and had a lot of education ahead of him. It was the reason he had cited at the time for not wanting to take our relationship further. I have no doubt that he has helped countless people in his work but according to him, he has had absolutely no attachments aside from his work. He eluded to regretting the choice he'd made concerning our relationship years ago. I have not thought of him often but I have thought of him and thought he must have made the "perfect" life. Financially he certainly could have provided many things for himself and a family. There were two other people on separate occassions the same week who hp brought into day to day life to remind me of where I am and where I have been and my purpose today. It was a rather raw spiritual awakening by which my hp let me know that I don't really know who other are deep down, their needs, wants, identities, what's important to them. There just are no absolutes in this life except the unconditional love of a hp (if you believe in that) and change. Situations change, people change etc. HP brings the lessons so no matter what geographical move, relationship move I am still going to have those growing pains and so are those closest to me. My job is to work on myself with my hp's guidance and not assume to know how it's all going to turn out for me or anyone else for that matter. Only hp knows so it's best to continue to communicate honesty openness and willingness in my close relationships because action I take for myself and others that I assume are best for them and myself only take their voice their say in what they themself want for themself. This is where using the Traditions particularly in home situations can be so helpful. Thanks for your share. Lots of great insights on this thread. I'm grateful. ((hugs))) TT
a4l said
Jul 16, 2019
I'm so grateful I could bring this here and the exchanges it enables. Tom, thank you for sharing that link. It was comforting and familiar of the type of shared wisdom that only comes in recovering groups. That comfort too from the shared understandings of roles and life and learning. It's funny. I run so hard yet starkly am returned to all the truths around addiction,as if it were that first time my eyes got opened to the baffling disease which is alcoholism. I am scared of losing him. I don't regret beginning life again independently of us the couple. In a way, as I look back, I can clearly see how I didn't help the situation by becoming stressed out and angry. And now that's a learned reaction which it takes so much effort to not react with when triggered. Not just marriage. I'm involved in many situations that are high conflict by design. I'm training to work in dispute resolution. Yet deep down all I long for is inner peace. I want to peacefully parent, peacefully show love, and most of all peacefully accept that outcomes will fall as they fall. It is very difficult. How do we get peaceful outcomes in anything in life without fighting the factors of injustice that prevent peace? I'm sure more will be revealed and I am going to need to be truly strong as that happens.
I could write novels on roles, labels, etc. I feel as if I've washed my hands of the past, but remain steadfast in my commitment as a daughter, sister, wife and mother, just for today. That may change tomorrow but just for today, I am able to find peace, joy and serenity in my own skin even if others are spinning around me!
Keep doing you, your recovery and I believe the answers will come! (((Hugs)))
I am 68 now A41 and my roles have flip-flopped all over the place. I used to have VICTIM tattooed to my forehead, and emblazoned on both the back and the front of my tee-shirt.
...
I was a true, and natural victim too.
... ..."being assertive" came in as women began to find their feet, and their wings. I wanted a piece of that for myself... discovered boundaries-
and now venturing into the arena of personal space... and how we get out mature emotional needs met and received and taken...
...There was a time where I would go scrambling through the literature, before I spoke- jus tin case my thoughts were not fully authorised. Here, especially, after reviewing the readings in all three of our dailies- I realised that most bases were covered- all along...
...our concerns, and our healing all gravitate to the same basic themes... self- care... ...serenity... ...
...
...being in a group is just so reassuring!!!
Hmmm... I am flipping back, and re-reading your post... I am no longer warping myself to fit in. [at least I don't think so].
I related so much to your posting- and i do believe that the journey does become easier, as we go along...
...
,,,,,,,,,LU
This post reminds me of an old one from many years ago, as we all seem to play an evolving and variety of roles in this thing called life (and recovery) - both the AA person as well as the Al-Anoner.
Hugs
Tom
https://alanon.activeboard.com/t45812445/where-am-i-in-my-own-recovery/
Thanks for your post a41. I know I played so many of these roles in the family. It differed from situation to situation. In the home there was constant imbalance, misery making, the elephant in the middle of the room that everyone danced around in their own way. What is true for me today is that my own dysfunctional dance doesn't stop just because the elephant is acknowledged or removed. In any relationship, situation that has dynamics that resemble the alcoholic family, the old ways can resurface or at the very least an internal alarm will signal this feels uncomfortable, unsafe. With recovery however there is not diving headlong into full participation. On the other hand, I don't have to detach with an axe to keep well.
I haven't shared about this here but just a few weeks ago when I was feeling totally disgusted with life on life's terms, my hp gave me a thump on the head. An old bf who I'd wanted to marry through some sleuthing found me. He sent me a letter making amends and filled me in on his life. He is in the same place he admitted in many ways as he was a half lifetime ago. He had been on his way to building a very successful career and had a lot of education ahead of him. It was the reason he had cited at the time for not wanting to take our relationship further. I have no doubt that he has helped countless people in his work but according to him, he has had absolutely no attachments aside from his work. He eluded to regretting the choice he'd made concerning our relationship years ago. I have not thought of him often but I have thought of him and thought he must have made the "perfect" life. Financially he certainly could have provided many things for himself and a family. There were two other people on separate occassions the same week who hp brought into day to day life to remind me of where I am and where I have been and my purpose today. It was a rather raw spiritual awakening by which my hp let me know that I don't really know who other are deep down, their needs, wants, identities, what's important to them. There just are no absolutes in this life except the unconditional love of a hp (if you believe in that) and change. Situations change, people change etc. HP brings the lessons so no matter what geographical move, relationship move I am still going to have those growing pains and so are those closest to me. My job is to work on myself with my hp's guidance and not assume to know how it's all going to turn out for me or anyone else for that matter. Only hp knows so it's best to continue to communicate honesty openness and willingness in my close relationships because action I take for myself and others that I assume are best for them and myself only take their voice their say in what they themself want for themself. This is where using the Traditions particularly in home situations can be so helpful. Thanks for your share. Lots of great insights on this thread. I'm grateful. ((hugs))) TT