OMG. My 15 year old son just opened up to me he is being bullied AGAIN at high school. (was bullied in grade school and had to move schools. Bulllied in Freshman year diffent kids/reasons. Now apparently all sophomore year.) He didn't tell me that anything had happened this year--I had no clue--kept up grades, he was in plays....but apparently kids bullied him about his looks, weight , no musclesand now his self esteem is in toilet., they even said study like you are so ugly you should just kill yourself (he has no plan to and assures me he won't). He even was not eating for a while. He is within the growth curve for height weight--and he looks tall and very slim. He has muscles, works out--has good body for rowing. I can't believe he has let the bullies get into his head. He passed out at school in March (which we were notified) and now tells me that he had probably brought it on himself because he wasn't eating. So he says he didn't tell me all this was going on because he knew I had so much on my plate with his father my AH, My AH and I have been in marriage counseling for 5 months. So I know that my son is aware of his fathers drinking and bothered by it. Also bothered by his fathers lack of emotional connection to him. Bothered that his father has not tried to help out with him and issues (bullying, having sports concussions, etc) for the past 3-5 years. I have offered ALateen multiple times and he has resisted. I found a counselor for him to start seeing and hope that he can gain skills to help cope with the bullies. And hopefully a voice to speak up and open up to his father (when he is not drinking). My son has asked me to keep his issues with bullying at school, his eating issues, how he feels about his father, that he is going to counseling --all secret from his father. While I hate keeping secrets--unfortunately my son is right that his father would probably tease or joke that he wanted therapy and not take things seriously--and would make things worse for my son. My AH teased my son about his concussions (while he was drunk) in the past. I know I have to protect my son.
So here is a question for you that have kids. A friend of mine said one of the questions to think about/ask my son--is if being around his father is causing problems for him? Because of how insensitive/emotionally neglectful AH is--is living in the same house with him making life harder?
I know that my kids (both boys 18 and 15) are concerned that we are just waiting till both done with college then divorce-- what my AH parents did). I said that we were trying to work on things. I know my older son (who was away at college this year) does not really respect his dad when he drinks but thinks I "make to much of his drinking" when I said I was going to Alanon. The older son does not really seem to be as effected by it like the younger son). How do I know when I might have to step in and do something more to protect my son? How do I really know how much my AH drinking is effecting my kid? And how does my son know how much he is being effected--hopefully counselor can work with him on that. Football season (sports is the trigger/excuse to drink) is coming up--so that means Sunday, Monday, Thursday (possible saturday) are the usual days for games/drinking. I usually go out when he drinks because I cannot stand the loudness (him yelling at TV) or him ignoring us--all TV and texting friends and drinking), and hate the smell of beer and his smell after he drinks. (He agreed to at least sleep in different room when he drinks). I have offered my son to go out somewhere to get away if he wants--but he says no--just stays in room with earbuds/iphone on. So now I worry--I was doing so much outside of the home to get away from AH and his emotional neglect--did I miss stuff with my son? Is he mature enough at 15 to know how much his fathers drinking is affecting things--or just able to feel the hurt of it?
I need help/suggestions from those of you with kids. How do I help my kids? How do I know how much this is effecting them? How can I protect them?
Freetime said
Jul 12, 2019
Hi Dancer, I am sorry your son is having such a tough time, but glad you found a counselor for him. Kids are very aware of things that are uncomfortable at home -- even if they don't know the exact reason. But please don't blame yourself. You must be doing something right, because he opened up to you. Imagine how hard that is for a teenager, but he trusted you with his information. That is huge.
Looking back at raising my kids, who are now in their 30's, some things I did right were getting them therapy, so now they know it is OK to do that, when they encounter problems in life, and -- apparently -- they felt they could be open with me -- not all the time, but enough to stay connected. I'm honestly not sure how I did that, but I tried to keep a positive attitude.
One thing I noticed -- your son didn't want to tell you about the time he passed out at school, because he wanted to protect you! Continuing to work on yourself, with Al-Anon, therapy, whatever it takes to keep yourself strong, could help relieve him from the burden of feeling he has to protect you.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 14, 2019
((((Dancer)))) You are in the toughest of positions I think. Well, I know, because I have been there. But I chose a different path... one that was right for me and my son. And YES, my son was my top priority. At 15, my son began cutting. He also dealt with tons of anxiety, depression & ADD - although no bullying that he told me about, and he was pretty open to me. In hindsight, I am acutely aware that most of that was brought on b/c of the environment he was living in... even though I worked my tail off to shield him from the collateral damage of addiction (and I would swear to anyone that I was doing a great job of it!). I personally feel getting your son to a competent therapist (especially one that understands Alcoholism/Addiction) will work wonders. It will do nothing about the poor relationship between he and his father (as I am sure you are aware), but it will help to keep your son from thinking that it is somehow his fault. It can also help with dealing with his father's drunken outbursts towards him. Hopefully it will give him an outlet to release his frustrations and help him to build some self-esteem so that he can deal with the school bullies.
I was told once that bullies find kids who are "easy" targets. There is something they are doing, or some vibe these kids give off that the bullies zero-in on. I believe it is poor self-esteem. My son's therapist told me once, "A son's self-esteem is tied to their male parent... no matter how terrible the father is, or how wonderful the mother is. When that male figure is lacking, it does effect them. The key is to minimize that effect." That statement was important for me in many ways: 1. It helped me to understand my son and his reactions to his father and 2. It allowed me to give myself a "pass" on the guilt I had been feeling ( I have done so much for my son... been his "Rock"... but it never seemed to be enough to stop my son's destructive behaviors), 3. It helped me to see that I needed to make a change-probably more for him than for me!
My son also refused Ala-Teen... I think b/c he wanted nothing more to do with the Addiction Issues. But he did like his therapist. Please know that it might take a couple tries at finding one that your son will be comfortable with. It did for us. Luckily, I had prepped my son that the first one might not be the right "fit," so speak up to me about how you feel. I made sure to tell him that what he spoke about in therapy was completely confidential (with the exception of suicide ideation), so you do not have to talk to me about what you say in the room, but if you don't feel safe or if you have a problem with that therapist, we can always try another. It is not unusual or "just you." It happens to people who go to therapy all the time. Some pairings just don't mesh.
Then I dived into MY program with a vengeance... because I had to learn how to stop controlling and managing my child! LOL! Really hard stuff for me!
It is concerning to me that your eldest is minimizing your husband's addiction problems... but that may be his coping mechanism, and he may feel like he needs to defend his father. I believe there will be nothing you can do to change his mind... it would be foolish to try, b/'c as we all know, we cannot control anyone but ourselves. But your younger son is "asking" for help, and he seems to trust in you... that is a big deal in his age group. Freetime's observations about protecting you are spot on I think... that just gets magnified as they get older, IMHO. Keep working on you, and show your youngest through your actions that you are capable of handling whatever comes your way... that will "allow" him to let go of the need/burden of "protecting" you from bad news.
As with anything here, this is only MY ESH. Please take what you want and leave the rest.
My wish for you is for clarity of thought and peace in your soul with whatever decision you make as a mother... this "job" is for life and can be challenging!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Sunday 14th of July 2019 12:30:57 PM
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Sunday 14th of July 2019 12:31:25 PM
Iamhere said
Jul 14, 2019
My two boys are 27 and 25 and have their own issues. There is no way that I can sit here, in active recovery and suggest that the drinking of my AH was/is the cause of the many struggles of my boys. I do not share their stories as they have suggested, and I agree that their story(s) are theirs to tell if/when they decide to. Both have been to counseling, treatment, had issues in Jr. High and HS and the best summary I can give as to why my two see things, and recall things differently is because they are different!
What I believe is they were affected by the consumption, but more affected by the tension brought about by my reactions to the consumption. Alcoholism is called a family disease because everyone is affected in some way. I was so consumed with what the drinking was doing to my AH and how my sons were/were not affected that I tried to control everyone and fix everything which made me the craziest in the house. Trust me, if you asked my boys and my AH what was the biggest issue during their growing up years, they will tell you it was me!!!
Males process differently than females and at a different rate. I think it's awesome that your son has opened up to you. Try not to over-react to what he's shared as it might change his trust in you. I wish I could have been a better listener for mine, and less of a fixer. It affected their maturity and their ability to deal with life on life's terms. I think as parents, especially moms, we really, really want to spare our children from all pain and while there is much we can do to help our children mature and grow up, we really can't shield them from all pain.
Keep leaning into your recovery and keep an open mind in letting him process/deal/heal in the way he needs to...I would say that you've done awesome so far or he wouldn't be talking to you!!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 15, 2019
Dancer,
I would have to second what Iamhere has mentioned: When I became healthier of mind and spirit, my son became more stable as well. It really does work if you work it!
SerenityRUS said
Jul 15, 2019
Big hugs,
Parenting is hard as is, and dealing with different family dysfunction and adding to the ISM's that don't put the fun in dysfunction.
My observation with my kids is that they each took what their dad was going through and processed it very differently. It was learning how to cope with an unreasonable situation. Part of our home discussion is talking about coping choices.
My youngest went through a lot of bullying I found out later during the 6th grade after we moved here however he's seemed to find his own pace. There were two things I shared, first off you can be a victim or you can be a volunteer. I think kids and adults are to quick to call people "friends" when the reality is the "friends" are looking for what's weak. He was able to better use his boundaries and made a conscious choice about who he hung out with. The other thing is look in the mirror every day and decide then what kind of person are you going to be today. I say that differently to my kids .. LOL. It really means the same thing. You can be a jerk or you can be kind, kindness always wins it can just be a hard battle.
My oldest struggled for a number of reasons, his identity was one of them, which brought on a lot of other issues. We have had multiple discussions about addiction and the different ways it can form and bleed out. He's taken a harder road in that regard.
Do I think that my kids were adversely affected by their dad's drinking? Yes. They were put in situations that they didn't need to be in at very young ages. The best thing I can do as a parent is help them get the support they need and teach them they are not the product of their childhood. They are always free to break those chains. They will absolutely have to do the work. We always joke whomever is walking out the door .. make good choices. LOL. I don't want to see my kids struggle the way I have to recover from my childhood. My kids have always heard me say .. coping skills .. they are flexible and finding the healthy ones is where it is at.
To help my kids vocalize their thoughts and ideas .. we have a check in date. Meaning .. we hang out for a few hours have coffee or a drink at Starbucks and talk about Life 101. Sometimes it's just them venting and other times they are looking for guidance. My oldest will ask very direct questions when you were my age .. I'm struggling here is it normal? Stuff like that. My youngest likes to talk about his music.
I do think it's awesome that your kiddo is coming to you because that's hard stuff. I hope that he's able to find his place. My youngest sings in choir and has a good group of choir friends he hangs out with. That's his niche and he loves it. He hasn't mentioned bullying recently I do think he's got a really kind of whatever attitude about it. I don't know if that's how he feels, he doesn't appear to let it get him down. I have been really sensitive in regards to my oldest and how that impacts my youngest.
Anyway, I hope this finds your son and you feeling better about today and the future. Parenting is so not for the weak. There is no one way to get there and I find I screw up pretty much on a daily basis and have to adjust my sails moving forward. I think the one thing I stress is whatever their dad is or isn't doing .. it's just not about them and as they get older they will understand more what that means.
Hugs S :)
Bo said
Jul 15, 2019
It is tragic when a child is impacted, affected, etc., by this diseases -- either directly as in self, or when the qualifier is a loved one/parent. In my experience, it is virtually impossible to for two parents two live in a home, with children, where one of the parents have a drinking problem/is an alcoholic, and NOT have a child impacted. Does it happen? I am sure it does, but it is extremely, extremely rare and is more the one-off anamoly. It is akin to not just the unicorn, but the pink unicorn.
In my experience, even if a child is aware, well-spoken, mature, has people to talk to, is in therapy, is intelligent, and has every single possible thing going for them...the child still may not even realize the extent they are impacted. Sometimes you -- parent, child, doesn't matter -- don't know because you are so "in it" so to speak. We talk about the impact this disease has on "us" -- just imagine a child or a young adult.
So, here we have a child impacted -- IF ONLY to the extent that he didn't want to go to a parent -- because he knew that parent "had so much on my plate with his father my AH". That may seem insignificant, but in my experience is it reflective of a much larger, potentially more damaging situation. It makes a very loud statement. But we also know the child is aware of his fathers drinking and obviously bothered by it...again, to the point where the child stayed silent because there was a bigger problem being handled and addressed by his mother. The child is also impacted because of his father's lack of an emotional connection to him. That's a statement. His father has not helped him -- and his not capable of helping him -- deal with some of these issues. His father hasn't reached out for him -- and can't. His father is not able to do any of these things...why? Because he is an alcoholic. I don't care if he' functional, a good provider, whatever. I don't care if he's the greatest guy in the world when he's sober, and he only gets drunk once in a blue moon. It doesn't matter. If it were me, that is not the life I want to live, for me, or my child. Nothing changes if nothing changes. So what is going to change? Who is going to change?
Is living in the same house with him making life harder? How can it not be?!?!?!?
How can we completely protect our children in the family home? Completely? 100%? I don't think one can. That is my experience. Even one out of a hundred times, something is going to happen. Some impact. And, it is more than one out of a hundred, but that's just my experience. How do you know how much your AH's drinking is affecting your child? How can you know? Is it measurable? Quantifiable? There is no scale or standard of measurement. It is impacting him. Period. This is a perfect example of something you need to talk to your sponsor about -- at length, in detail -- and develop some actions steps...when and how to detach, both physically and emotionally, how not to contribute, enable, and perpetuate an unhealthy situation, and how to develop and implement some boundaries, which are exclusively designed to protect you and your son! If all of that isn't enough...then you have to look at nothing changes if nothing changes, and every child needs -- deserves -- one sane, healthy, stable parent. You have to be that parent.
How does your son know how much he is being affected? He may not. So, football season is coming up...is it healthy to be in a mindset of "surviving" football season? I just have to get through the season, and then things should be more bearable? I for one never viewed alanon has teaching me how to accept unacceptable behavior, or making the intolerable tolerable, and showing me how to bear the unbearable. If others do, then so be it. I want to be happy and healthy, and live a life that is happy, healthy, joyous, and free. That doesn't mean I have to leave a spouse. It doesn't mean I have to give ultimatums. It doesn't mean I have to make demands. However, for me, in my experience, it means I have to make changes and give myself every possible chance of attaining that life in the present-day. A husband and wife, with no alcoholics, should be able to work together and make decisions collectively, so that the family residence is a happy and healthy place for family members to live. If after all of that, because a parent is an alcoholic, if it can't work, if it doesn't happen, then the healthy parent has to make some decisions individually -- because collectively, the alcoholic is incapable of doing so.
An adult has the freedom and free-will and can make a decision to stay in an unhealthy, unhappy situation. A child doesn't have the luxury of doing so.
How does one protect children inside the home? All of what I said above. But that may not be enough to eliminate ALL potential impact on a child. What is counselling doing? Does he or does he not have a drinking problem (according to him)? What's the bottom line? Talk to your sponsor. Look at what you want to get out of alanon. What hopes, desires, wants, do you have from the alanon program? Are you hoping -- also from counselling -- that he will quit drinking? Hence, the asking -- does he or does he not have a problem (according to him)? Are you hoping marriage counselling will prove to him he has a problem? What are you doing here? What do you want? You are going to meetings, have a sponsor, are working the program (I am guessing)...so what do you expect? What do you want? I know you've used detachment, and it works...for YOU...but now it has become about your child? Can you take your child with you when you detach? Can you bring the child with you? Sure, it's inconvenient, and it's sad it has come to this -- where a child may not feel safe in their own home -- but this is where you are right now, just for today. It is what it is, right now, just for today...until you make a change. I would explore that -- taking the child with you, being there for the child as one parent isn't. Trying to make life as easy as possible for that child -- through comfort, suport, connection, love, and so much more.
All the best.
canadianguy said
Jul 16, 2019
Dancer.... good post, and glad you are reaching out. Like most things in our respective recoveries, there is not likely any black/white "right" answer to your question, as each situation is different.... I offer you a past post with one perspective, but it is just that - one example of one situation.
Is he affected? Damn straight.
Do we know the long term consequences?? Nope, not even close. Again, I would suggest that each situation is unique.
OMG. My 15 year old son just opened up to me he is being bullied AGAIN at high school. (was bullied in grade school and had to move schools. Bulllied in Freshman year diffent kids/reasons. Now apparently all sophomore year.) He didn't tell me that anything had happened this year--I had no clue--kept up grades, he was in plays....but apparently kids bullied him about his looks, weight , no musclesand now his self esteem is in toilet., they even said study like you are so ugly you should just kill yourself (he has no plan to and assures me he won't). He even was not eating for a while. He is within the growth curve for height weight--and he looks tall and very slim. He has muscles, works out--has good body for rowing. I can't believe he has let the bullies get into his head. He passed out at school in March (which we were notified) and now tells me that he had probably brought it on himself because he wasn't eating. So he says he didn't tell me all this was going on because he knew I had so much on my plate with his father my AH, My AH and I have been in marriage counseling for 5 months. So I know that my son is aware of his fathers drinking and bothered by it. Also bothered by his fathers lack of emotional connection to him. Bothered that his father has not tried to help out with him and issues (bullying, having sports concussions, etc) for the past 3-5 years. I have offered ALateen multiple times and he has resisted. I found a counselor for him to start seeing and hope that he can gain skills to help cope with the bullies. And hopefully a voice to speak up and open up to his father (when he is not drinking). My son has asked me to keep his issues with bullying at school, his eating issues, how he feels about his father, that he is going to counseling --all secret from his father. While I hate keeping secrets--unfortunately my son is right that his father would probably tease or joke that he wanted therapy and not take things seriously--and would make things worse for my son. My AH teased my son about his concussions (while he was drunk) in the past. I know I have to protect my son.
So here is a question for you that have kids. A friend of mine said one of the questions to think about/ask my son--is if being around his father is causing problems for him? Because of how insensitive/emotionally neglectful AH is--is living in the same house with him making life harder?
I know that my kids (both boys 18 and 15) are concerned that we are just waiting till both done with college then divorce-- what my AH parents did). I said that we were trying to work on things. I know my older son (who was away at college this year) does not really respect his dad when he drinks but thinks I "make to much of his drinking" when I said I was going to Alanon. The older son does not really seem to be as effected by it like the younger son). How do I know when I might have to step in and do something more to protect my son? How do I really know how much my AH drinking is effecting my kid? And how does my son know how much he is being effected--hopefully counselor can work with him on that. Football season (sports is the trigger/excuse to drink) is coming up--so that means Sunday, Monday, Thursday (possible saturday) are the usual days for games/drinking. I usually go out when he drinks because I cannot stand the loudness (him yelling at TV) or him ignoring us--all TV and texting friends and drinking), and hate the smell of beer and his smell after he drinks. (He agreed to at least sleep in different room when he drinks). I have offered my son to go out somewhere to get away if he wants--but he says no--just stays in room with earbuds/iphone on. So now I worry--I was doing so much outside of the home to get away from AH and his emotional neglect--did I miss stuff with my son? Is he mature enough at 15 to know how much his fathers drinking is affecting things--or just able to feel the hurt of it?
I need help/suggestions from those of you with kids. How do I help my kids? How do I know how much this is effecting them? How can I protect them?
Looking back at raising my kids, who are now in their 30's, some things I did right were getting them therapy, so now they know it is OK to do that, when they encounter problems in life, and -- apparently -- they felt they could be open with me -- not all the time, but enough to stay connected. I'm honestly not sure how I did that, but I tried to keep a positive attitude.
One thing I noticed -- your son didn't want to tell you about the time he passed out at school, because he wanted to protect you! Continuing to work on yourself, with Al-Anon, therapy, whatever it takes to keep yourself strong, could help relieve him from the burden of feeling he has to protect you.
((((Dancer))))
You are in the toughest of positions I think. Well, I know, because I have been there. But I chose a different path... one that was right for me and my son. And YES, my son was my top priority.
At 15, my son began cutting. He also dealt with tons of anxiety, depression & ADD - although no bullying that he told me about, and he was pretty open to me. In hindsight, I am acutely aware that most of that was brought on b/c of the environment he was living in... even though I worked my tail off to shield him from the collateral damage of addiction (and I would swear to anyone that I was doing a great job of it!). I personally feel getting your son to a competent therapist (especially one that understands Alcoholism/Addiction) will work wonders. It will do nothing about the poor relationship between he and his father (as I am sure you are aware), but it will help to keep your son from thinking that it is somehow his fault. It can also help with dealing with his father's drunken outbursts towards him. Hopefully it will give him an outlet to release his frustrations and help him to build some self-esteem so that he can deal with the school bullies.
I was told once that bullies find kids who are "easy" targets. There is something they are doing, or some vibe these kids give off that the bullies zero-in on. I believe it is poor self-esteem. My son's therapist told me once, "A son's self-esteem is tied to their male parent... no matter how terrible the father is, or how wonderful the mother is. When that male figure is lacking, it does effect them. The key is to minimize that effect." That statement was important for me in many ways: 1. It helped me to understand my son and his reactions to his father and 2. It allowed me to give myself a "pass" on the guilt I had been feeling ( I have done so much for my son... been his "Rock"... but it never seemed to be enough to stop my son's destructive behaviors), 3. It helped me to see that I needed to make a change-probably more for him than for me!
My son also refused Ala-Teen... I think b/c he wanted nothing more to do with the Addiction Issues. But he did like his therapist. Please know that it might take a couple tries at finding one that your son will be comfortable with. It did for us. Luckily, I had prepped my son that the first one might not be the right "fit," so speak up to me about how you feel. I made sure to tell him that what he spoke about in therapy was completely confidential (with the exception of suicide ideation), so you do not have to talk to me about what you say in the room, but if you don't feel safe or if you have a problem with that therapist, we can always try another. It is not unusual or "just you." It happens to people who go to therapy all the time. Some pairings just don't mesh.
Then I dived into MY program with a vengeance... because I had to learn how to stop controlling and managing my child! LOL! Really hard stuff for me!
It is concerning to me that your eldest is minimizing your husband's addiction problems... but that may be his coping mechanism, and he may feel like he needs to defend his father. I believe there will be nothing you can do to change his mind... it would be foolish to try, b/'c as we all know, we cannot control anyone but ourselves. But your younger son is "asking" for help, and he seems to trust in you... that is a big deal in his age group. Freetime's observations about protecting you are spot on I think... that just gets magnified as they get older, IMHO. Keep working on you, and show your youngest through your actions that you are capable of handling whatever comes your way... that will "allow" him to let go of the need/burden of "protecting" you from bad news.
As with anything here, this is only MY ESH. Please take what you want and leave the rest.
My wish for you is for clarity of thought and peace in your soul with whatever decision you make as a mother... this "job" is for life and can be challenging!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Sunday 14th of July 2019 12:30:57 PM
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Sunday 14th of July 2019 12:31:25 PM
What I believe is they were affected by the consumption, but more affected by the tension brought about by my reactions to the consumption. Alcoholism is called a family disease because everyone is affected in some way. I was so consumed with what the drinking was doing to my AH and how my sons were/were not affected that I tried to control everyone and fix everything which made me the craziest in the house. Trust me, if you asked my boys and my AH what was the biggest issue during their growing up years, they will tell you it was me!!!
Males process differently than females and at a different rate. I think it's awesome that your son has opened up to you. Try not to over-react to what he's shared as it might change his trust in you. I wish I could have been a better listener for mine, and less of a fixer. It affected their maturity and their ability to deal with life on life's terms. I think as parents, especially moms, we really, really want to spare our children from all pain and while there is much we can do to help our children mature and grow up, we really can't shield them from all pain.
Keep leaning into your recovery and keep an open mind in letting him process/deal/heal in the way he needs to...I would say that you've done awesome so far or he wouldn't be talking to you!!
I would have to second what Iamhere has mentioned: When I became healthier of mind and spirit, my son became more stable as well. It really does work if you work it!
Parenting is hard as is, and dealing with different family dysfunction and adding to the ISM's that don't put the fun in dysfunction.
My observation with my kids is that they each took what their dad was going through and processed it very differently. It was learning how to cope with an unreasonable situation. Part of our home discussion is talking about coping choices.
My youngest went through a lot of bullying I found out later during the 6th grade after we moved here however he's seemed to find his own pace. There were two things I shared, first off you can be a victim or you can be a volunteer. I think kids and adults are to quick to call people "friends" when the reality is the "friends" are looking for what's weak. He was able to better use his boundaries and made a conscious choice about who he hung out with. The other thing is look in the mirror every day and decide then what kind of person are you going to be today. I say that differently to my kids .. LOL. It really means the same thing. You can be a jerk or you can be kind, kindness always wins it can just be a hard battle.
My oldest struggled for a number of reasons, his identity was one of them, which brought on a lot of other issues. We have had multiple discussions about addiction and the different ways it can form and bleed out. He's taken a harder road in that regard.
Do I think that my kids were adversely affected by their dad's drinking? Yes. They were put in situations that they didn't need to be in at very young ages. The best thing I can do as a parent is help them get the support they need and teach them they are not the product of their childhood. They are always free to break those chains. They will absolutely have to do the work. We always joke whomever is walking out the door .. make good choices. LOL. I don't want to see my kids struggle the way I have to recover from my childhood. My kids have always heard me say .. coping skills .. they are flexible and finding the healthy ones is where it is at.
To help my kids vocalize their thoughts and ideas .. we have a check in date. Meaning .. we hang out for a few hours have coffee or a drink at Starbucks and talk about Life 101. Sometimes it's just them venting and other times they are looking for guidance. My oldest will ask very direct questions when you were my age .. I'm struggling here is it normal? Stuff like that. My youngest likes to talk about his music.
I do think it's awesome that your kiddo is coming to you because that's hard stuff. I hope that he's able to find his place. My youngest sings in choir and has a good group of choir friends he hangs out with. That's his niche and he loves it. He hasn't mentioned bullying recently I do think he's got a really kind of whatever attitude about it. I don't know if that's how he feels, he doesn't appear to let it get him down. I have been really sensitive in regards to my oldest and how that impacts my youngest.
Anyway, I hope this finds your son and you feeling better about today and the future. Parenting is so not for the weak. There is no one way to get there and I find I screw up pretty much on a daily basis and have to adjust my sails moving forward. I think the one thing I stress is whatever their dad is or isn't doing .. it's just not about them and as they get older they will understand more what that means.
Hugs S :)
In my experience, even if a child is aware, well-spoken, mature, has people to talk to, is in therapy, is intelligent, and has every single possible thing going for them...the child still may not even realize the extent they are impacted. Sometimes you -- parent, child, doesn't matter -- don't know because you are so "in it" so to speak. We talk about the impact this disease has on "us" -- just imagine a child or a young adult.
So, here we have a child impacted -- IF ONLY to the extent that he didn't want to go to a parent -- because he knew that parent "had so much on my plate with his father my AH". That may seem insignificant, but in my experience is it reflective of a much larger, potentially more damaging situation. It makes a very loud statement. But we also know the child is aware of his fathers drinking and obviously bothered by it...again, to the point where the child stayed silent because there was a bigger problem being handled and addressed by his mother. The child is also impacted because of his father's lack of an emotional connection to him. That's a statement. His father has not helped him -- and his not capable of helping him -- deal with some of these issues. His father hasn't reached out for him -- and can't. His father is not able to do any of these things...why? Because he is an alcoholic. I don't care if he' functional, a good provider, whatever. I don't care if he's the greatest guy in the world when he's sober, and he only gets drunk once in a blue moon. It doesn't matter. If it were me, that is not the life I want to live, for me, or my child. Nothing changes if nothing changes. So what is going to change? Who is going to change?
Is living in the same house with him making life harder? How can it not be?!?!?!?
How can we completely protect our children in the family home? Completely? 100%? I don't think one can. That is my experience. Even one out of a hundred times, something is going to happen. Some impact. And, it is more than one out of a hundred, but that's just my experience. How do you know how much your AH's drinking is affecting your child? How can you know? Is it measurable? Quantifiable? There is no scale or standard of measurement. It is impacting him. Period. This is a perfect example of something you need to talk to your sponsor about -- at length, in detail -- and develop some actions steps...when and how to detach, both physically and emotionally, how not to contribute, enable, and perpetuate an unhealthy situation, and how to develop and implement some boundaries, which are exclusively designed to protect you and your son! If all of that isn't enough...then you have to look at nothing changes if nothing changes, and every child needs -- deserves -- one sane, healthy, stable parent. You have to be that parent.
How does your son know how much he is being affected? He may not. So, football season is coming up...is it healthy to be in a mindset of "surviving" football season? I just have to get through the season, and then things should be more bearable? I for one never viewed alanon has teaching me how to accept unacceptable behavior, or making the intolerable tolerable, and showing me how to bear the unbearable. If others do, then so be it. I want to be happy and healthy, and live a life that is happy, healthy, joyous, and free. That doesn't mean I have to leave a spouse. It doesn't mean I have to give ultimatums. It doesn't mean I have to make demands. However, for me, in my experience, it means I have to make changes and give myself every possible chance of attaining that life in the present-day. A husband and wife, with no alcoholics, should be able to work together and make decisions collectively, so that the family residence is a happy and healthy place for family members to live. If after all of that, because a parent is an alcoholic, if it can't work, if it doesn't happen, then the healthy parent has to make some decisions individually -- because collectively, the alcoholic is incapable of doing so.
An adult has the freedom and free-will and can make a decision to stay in an unhealthy, unhappy situation. A child doesn't have the luxury of doing so.
How does one protect children inside the home? All of what I said above. But that may not be enough to eliminate ALL potential impact on a child. What is counselling doing? Does he or does he not have a drinking problem (according to him)? What's the bottom line? Talk to your sponsor. Look at what you want to get out of alanon. What hopes, desires, wants, do you have from the alanon program? Are you hoping -- also from counselling -- that he will quit drinking? Hence, the asking -- does he or does he not have a problem (according to him)? Are you hoping marriage counselling will prove to him he has a problem? What are you doing here? What do you want? You are going to meetings, have a sponsor, are working the program (I am guessing)...so what do you expect? What do you want? I know you've used detachment, and it works...for YOU...but now it has become about your child? Can you take your child with you when you detach? Can you bring the child with you? Sure, it's inconvenient, and it's sad it has come to this -- where a child may not feel safe in their own home -- but this is where you are right now, just for today. It is what it is, right now, just for today...until you make a change. I would explore that -- taking the child with you, being there for the child as one parent isn't. Trying to make life as easy as possible for that child -- through comfort, suport, connection, love, and so much more.
All the best.
Dancer.... good post, and glad you are reaching out. Like most things in our respective recoveries, there is not likely any black/white "right" answer to your question, as each situation is different.... I offer you a past post with one perspective, but it is just that - one example of one situation.
Is he affected? Damn straight.
Do we know the long term consequences?? Nope, not even close. Again, I would suggest that each situation is unique.
Keep coming back
Tom
https://alanon.activeboard.com/t18376963/what-are-we-really-showing-our-children/