Sometimes there don't seem to be any good answers...
Skorpi said
Jul 6, 2019
Hello mip! Just back home today from 2 lovely weeks in the north woods. A very spiritual place for me, so I'm coming home feeling replenished and ready to take on a difficult summer (work related).
I've set some boundaries over the years with aw that i decided not to enforce. She's relapsed several times, but i haven't asked her to leave because she goes right back to sobriety the next day. She's also been struggling with money since buying a New car. Her old car wasn't safe (and i can fix just about everything unless the frame rusts out) and i had loaned her my car until she drove it drunk. So, she lost the privilege of driving my car and i told her she had to figure things out. She did, with a New car. She's been struggling to pay her gas, some times She's not able to pay the amount we agreed she would contribute to the household. I've let that go here and there, because i know her car payment aNd insurance are high, and i think she's trying.
Last week, i overheard her taking to the car loan place. Apparently, she's 4 months behind in payments and they were going to repossess the car. I loaned her some money to delay that till pay day. (Boundary 1-i wanted nothing to do with this car)
Today on our way home, she called and said she needed to stop to use the restroom but i should continue on home. We were just an hour away. I got home. Unloaded the dogs. Let them run outside a but, put them in their crates. Unloaded the suv. Put the cooler good away. Unloaded the lawnmower i had been hauling, unhooked the trailer and Put it away. Covered the lawnmower up with a tarp and was cleaning the kitchen when i saw it black dog peeking her head around the garage. That dog should have been with aw in the car. Chased the dog around the neighborhood. Cornered her in a neighbors garage. Walked home with a neighbor who came out to help. She seemed tipsy, didn't say much, what she said made no Sence and was slurred. She was off balance. Came in the house, laid down on the couch, fell asleep. Left me to unpack everything. Denied drinking When i said i thought she had been. (Boundary 2- drinking and driving, or drinking at all or being drink around me or in my house).
So, given my boundaries, i can choose to enforce then, let her car be repossesd and she can't get to work, ask her to move out because she's drinking. Or i can decide not to enforce my boundaries or i can decide to change my boundaries. I really dislike this disease today because there are no good choices for me in this situation. Just the dumb disease and it's effects.
The good news i suppose is that I'm not second guessing myself about the drinking. In the past when she's denied it, I've doubted myself. I sure don't doubt myself today. And there is progress in my recovery, if nothing else!
Freetime said
Jul 6, 2019
Hi Skorpi, so sorry you are in this situation and don't see a way out at the moment. I hear your acceptance about the drinking -- and of course acceptance does not mean we have to like it.
Sometimes I find that after sleeping, my mind finds a solution the next morning . Or sometimes after a long walk.
Bo said
Jul 7, 2019
I went through a similar phase/period of time. I had been in alanon a long time. I knew my program, had worked it, had my tools, had boundaries, and had successfully implemented change, in me, my thinking, my behavior, etc. Everything was good.
However, many people in alanon -- both newcomers/beginners, less seasoned people, as well as long-time, seasoned members of alanon -- forget, or perhaps don't understand the enigmatic aspect of this disease. Yes, we go to a lot of meetings and we hear it's a baffling, cunning, and progressive disease, however many people don't truly understand what that means. This disease lives, breathes, it evolves, changes, yes it's progressive, debilitating, and decimating -- and so is it's impact and affect on life, both the alcoholic's life and the life of a loved one. There are times where "what always worked" either doesn't or no longer will. Hence, alanon is not a program you graduate from. You keep going. You keep learning...to live...to work the program. It's very easy to preach, live your life, and practice on a bulletin board...but you have to go out and live life in the real day to day world. When this happens...life can get hard for us. Day to day living can be hard.
My sponsor used to say nothing changes if nothing changes...and...then he would ask...are you just doing damage control? Are you just going through the motions? If your regular, normal program doesn't work, what do you want to do? Are you happy? If nothing changes, is this how you want to live one month from now? Six months from now? One year? Five years? Is this the life you want to live? Yes, it's very easy to say one day at a time. Do that long enough, and it's one year. Five. Ten. Twenty. I've heard people interpret alanon and they make it a program of defending and then justifying status quo. They make it a program of "no action" and live under the guise of "I detach" or "I don't enable" or "I have my boundaries" -- and that's that. It's enough. It's my program.
Keep it simple. If you are not happy...make change. Adapt, improvise, lean into your program, look at options, and more. Talk to your sponsor. Meet with him/her, start looking to him/her for input, guidance, experience, insight, objectivity and accountability.
All the best.
Iamhere said
Jul 7, 2019
(((Skorpi))) - so very, very sorry that the disease is affecting you and your wife currently. There is nothing that makes me feel more powerless than watching the disease 'alive and well' in one that I love. It makes me sad and uncertain what action might best help, and then I lean into my program and recall that I am to focus on me and do what helps me.
Like you, I don't feel the call to run/walk away, just for today. I have a close relationship with God, and that message to make great changes has never propelled me into drastic action. That still small voice within suggests being kind and gentle to me, spend time with healthy people doing healthy things (meeting, walk, golf, prayer, meditation).
I am a Joel Osteen fan, and today's sermon spoke to me. It's called, Take a Seat, and suggests that when we truly have a relationship with the God of our understanding, and trust that same God, there are times in life where we need to stop taking action to 'fix others' or 'direct traffic' and instead 'Take a Seat' and allow God to work in our lives. Here's a link if interested!
For me, and my recovery, I have to consider what's my fear, ego and will raising up vs. what's the next right thing for my action. Projection during active recovery is not a grand plan for me, as I will always project the worse case scenario. I do best when I focus on what the Serenity Prayer suggests - Serenity, Acceptance, Courage, Change, Wisdom, Difference. I always have to remind myself that what another is doing is not 'at me' or 'because of me'. It's about them and the disease. There is no shame in loving another who is sick so long as we work to stay well/healthy!
Huge hugs - sending prayers and positive energy your way!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 7, 2019
Good morning, Skorpi!
Glad to hear you had a replenishing 2 weeks in the woods!
I am sorry to hear that the disease is still running wild with your spouse. I liked everyone's ESH...from all you good folk, a newcomer can pick and choose an idea/way that could be good for them. There is no "right" way. I am being reminded of the 2 A's - Awareness, Acceptance, & Action. There can be stops and stalls, regroupings, changes of boundaries/behaviors... this thread is a perfect example of "real life" working this thing called Al-Anon Recovery.
I am blessed to be here!
Skorpi said
Jul 9, 2019
Thanks so much, everyone, for your ESH. A lot for me to think about, for sure.
AW still swears she hadn't been drinking, and I do know in the past, when she had a portable breathalyzer, that sometimes her actions would lead me to believe she had been drinking and the Breathalyzer would indicate no alcohol in her system. SO, being the researcher I am, I googled it. From what I read, she could actually be having strokes, as some of the symptoms are similar. Information I shared with her, along with a request for her to make an appointment with her doctor to figure out why, if she isn't drinking, she's having these passed-out, black-out, loss of coordination, slurred speech episodes.
And really, that's not here nor there, as I explained to her, I'm not going to continue to live with her blacking out, stumbling around, unable to form coherent utterances, regardless of the cause, and I expect her to either not drink around me and/or take care of herself by going to the doctor so they can figure out what is going on.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want my life to look like, how I want to live, and asking myself if my actions are in line with that. (A strategy I heard at work first, actually. "What am I doing and how are my actions aligned with my goals?") I like the idea that my goals, wants, needs can change over time. What seemed like a major improvement a few years ago doesn't necessarily meet my needs today, and I am allowed to change my goals, wants, needs, etc. to fit today. And so, I decided to go to a campfire AA/Alanon meeting tonight. AW doesn't want me to go, I'm not sure why - she gave me so many disjointed reasons, I am actually not sure what the real issue is. She was invited as well, but she doesn't want to go. Either way is fine with me, but I don't think her lack of desire to go should dictate my ability to go. I want to have more social connections and do things besides watch tv at home in the evenings and on weekends. And, as a good friend pointed out - if I just say I want that, but I don't follow through with my behavior, then my actions are not in line with my goals and my words do not carry meaning. So, progress, I think. AW has noted that I have changed a lot of my behavior the past month, and she doesn't like it. I feel like I've been getting better at saying what I mean, meaning what I say, but not being mean about it. I think before I was focusing a lot on the not being mean part, and not spending enough time on the "saying" part.
I think Alanon is a lifelong journey for me, and I KNOW I need the program to stay in my marriage. The disease isn't going to go away, it is going to continue to pop up at odd, unexpected moments, and I know I need a strong program and a group of people who understand who I can talk to about it when it does. And, even if I weren't in my marriage anymore, the impact of over a decade of living with the disease is something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. And, as today's reading reminds me, ignoring it isn't going to make it go away. I may as well acknowledge it, accept it, and decide what I want to do about it.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 9, 2019
Great share & self-awareness, Skorpi!!!
I applaud you, b/c I just love when Al-Anoners get that "AHA!" moment and then share how they process this information. And you are so right...a person's goals, needs, wants, DO change over time. We grow, we change. It's inevitable. Sometimes our "disease" makes us forget that! LOL!
Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your processing... Awareness, Acceptance and Action!
SerenityRUS said
Jul 9, 2019
"I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want my life to look like, how I want to live, and asking myself if my actions are in line with that. (A strategy I heard at work first, actually. "What am I doing and how are my actions aligned with my goals?") I like the idea that my goals, wants, needs can change over time. What seemed like a major improvement a few years ago doesn't necessarily meet my needs today, and I am allowed to change my goals, wants, needs, etc. to fit today. And so, I decided to go to a campfire AA/Alanon meeting tonight. AW doesn't want me to go, I'm not sure why - she gave me so many disjointed reasons, I am actually not sure what the real issue is. She was invited as well, but she doesn't want to go. "
Skorpi,
I LOVE THIS!!!
You do you regardless of what the A is doing or not doing.
I love the fact you are allowing your goals, wants and needs to be flexible and to change with the times. Goals change they are met or they need to be redirected in terms of there are 26 letters in the alphabet if plan A isn't working there are 25 other choices to choose from.
Your A not wanting you to go and this is opinion .. lol .. speaks volumes of how much you have changed and that's HUGE. Change is like dropping a pebble in still water. The ripples out effect everyone involved sometimes on a very subconscious level. It makes others feel uncomfortable because by all means the infamous "change back" behavior as I call it starts to happen.
Change back so I don't have to change.
Big kudos and big hugs, I'm glad to share this journey with you!!
S :)
Mattie said
Jul 9, 2019
I remember something I read recently, about why someone finally went into recovery. She said something like, "I found I was exceeding my boundaries faster than I could lower them."
It seems that your AW is taking all kinds of actions that could lead to a crisis, especially if you decided to hold fast on your boundaries. My experience with that is that my A broke through all my boundaries at the speed of light. I kept trying to reset my bottom line but I just couldn't keep up. He made sure that each time, if I held to the bottom line, it would be a crisis, so my incentive to give way was pretty great. It does get exhausting, though - so exhausting.
Take good care of yourself.
Iamhere said
Jul 9, 2019
(((Skorpi))) - love, love, love the action you planned - going to a meeting. All that you share/write is exactly what my experience has been like - I came to realize that, for me and not for us, I needed meetings, support, healthy friends, laughter, etc. I just started to go do my thing, when desired or needed, and while nobody changed here except me, everything did change because of me. When I got really busy, I got much better!
Keep doing you - you are worth it and are doing awesome!
Bo said
Jul 9, 2019
Skorpi wrote:
Thanks so much, everyone, for your ESH. A lot for me to think about, for sure.
AW still swears she hadn't been drinking, and I do know in the past, when she had a portable breathalyzer, that sometimes her actions would lead me to believe she had been drinking and the Breathalyzer would indicate no alcohol in her system. SO, being the researcher I am, I googled it. From what I read, she could actually be having strokes, as some of the symptoms are similar. Information I shared with her, along with a request for her to make an appointment with her doctor to figure out why, if she isn't drinking, she's having these passed-out, black-out, loss of coordination, slurred speech episodes.
And really, that's not here nor there, as I explained to her, I'm not going to continue to live with her blacking out, stumbling around, unable to form coherent utterances, regardless of the cause, and I expect her to either not drink around me and/or take care of herself by going to the doctor so they can figure out what is going on.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want my life to look like, how I want to live, and asking myself if my actions are in line with that. (A strategy I heard at work first, actually. "What am I doing and how are my actions aligned with my goals?") I like the idea that my goals, wants, needs can change over time. What seemed like a major improvement a few years ago doesn't necessarily meet my needs today, and I am allowed to change my goals, wants, needs, etc. to fit today. And so, I decided to go to a campfire AA/Alanon meeting tonight. AW doesn't want me to go, I'm not sure why - she gave me so many disjointed reasons, I am actually not sure what the real issue is. She was invited as well, but she doesn't want to go. Either way is fine with me, but I don't think her lack of desire to go should dictate my ability to go. I want to have more social connections and do things besides watch tv at home in the evenings and on weekends. And, as a good friend pointed out - if I just say I want that, but I don't follow through with my behavior, then my actions are not in line with my goals and my words do not carry meaning. So, progress, I think. AW has noted that I have changed a lot of my behavior the past month, and she doesn't like it. I feel like I've been getting better at saying what I mean, meaning what I say, but not being mean about it. I think before I was focusing a lot on the not being mean part, and not spending enough time on the "saying" part.
I think Alanon is a lifelong journey for me, and I KNOW I need the program to stay in my marriage. The disease isn't going to go away, it is going to continue to pop up at odd, unexpected moments, and I know I need a strong program and a group of people who understand who I can talk to about it when it does. And, even if I weren't in my marriage anymore, the impact of over a decade of living with the disease is something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. And, as today's reading reminds me, ignoring it isn't going to make it go away. I may as well acknowledge it, accept it, and decide what I want to do about it.
I absolutely, positively, emphatically, and completely...LOVE THIS POST!!! Thank you so very much Skorpi!!! Your awareness, clarity, and focus on YOU, what is healthy for you, and everything around this, is simply amazing!!! One thing jumped out at me..."what I want my life to look like, how I want to live, and asking myself if my actions are in line with that. (A strategy I heard at work first, actually. "What am I doing and how are my actions aligned with my goals?")"...that is simply amazing!!! I teach a course and one of the major components of it is "life congruency, mindfulness, and authenticity" -- and the focus of this is exactly what you said!!! Like alanon, for me, in my experience, this is (part of) a curriculum for living...and what you said about actions being aligned with what you want your life to look like and how you want to live...that's a major part of it. I love it!!!
I just read your post and it wreaks about YOU, your focus, what you want, your actions, and everything in and around that. I love that there is no talk about or focus on "leaving" or "staying" or anything of the like. That's clarity and focus on YOU. That's why I always say about alanon -- it doesn't matter -- leave, stay, married, divorced, whatever...the goal is that YOU are OK, happy, and healthy. Far too many people in my experience let the tail wag the dog! They use the program, work the program, to get what they wanted from the get-go, before recovery, and then don't reach a level of recovery -- they simply justify, rationalize, etc., what they originally wanted...forcing their will, their want, etc.
Thank you so much again for sharing!!! Keep doing what you are doing! Keep up the great work! I am inspired by your sharing and what you are doing...and I admire and respect the work you are doing on YOU, for YOU, and about YOU. All the best!
-- Edited by Bo on Tuesday 9th of July 2019 11:25:18 PM
Bo said
Jul 9, 2019
Mattie wrote:
I remember something I read recently, about why someone finally went into recovery. She said something like, "I found I was exceeding my boundaries faster than I could lower them."
It seems that your AW is taking all kinds of actions that could lead to a crisis, especially if you decided to hold fast on your boundaries. My experience with that is that my A broke through all my boundaries at the speed of light. I kept trying to reset my bottom line but I just couldn't keep up. He made sure that each time, if I held to the bottom line, it would be a crisis, so my incentive to give way was pretty great. It does get exhausting, though - so exhausting.
Take good care of yourself.
Love this!!! Thanks Mattie!!!
Skorpi said
Jul 10, 2019
Thanks so much for the encouragement, everyone!
The meeting last night was AWESOME and I am so glad I went!
Iamhere said
Jul 11, 2019
Good for you Skorpi - good for you! I am so glad the meeting was awesome....I find that when I am truly troubled about what's happening around me, going to a meeting or talking with another working recovery helps reground me. I rarely get the answers I want but I am gently reminded that I am OK, I have a HP and it will be OK so long as I keep my focus where it needs to be - me!
Hello mip! Just back home today from 2 lovely weeks in the north woods. A very spiritual place for me, so I'm coming home feeling replenished and ready to take on a difficult summer (work related).
I've set some boundaries over the years with aw that i decided not to enforce. She's relapsed several times, but i haven't asked her to leave because she goes right back to sobriety the next day. She's also been struggling with money since buying a New car. Her old car wasn't safe (and i can fix just about everything unless the frame rusts out) and i had loaned her my car until she drove it drunk. So, she lost the privilege of driving my car and i told her she had to figure things out. She did, with a New car. She's been struggling to pay her gas, some times She's not able to pay the amount we agreed she would contribute to the household. I've let that go here and there, because i know her car payment aNd insurance are high, and i think she's trying.
Last week, i overheard her taking to the car loan place. Apparently, she's 4 months behind in payments and they were going to repossess the car. I loaned her some money to delay that till pay day. (Boundary 1-i wanted nothing to do with this car)
Today on our way home, she called and said she needed to stop to use the restroom but i should continue on home. We were just an hour away. I got home. Unloaded the dogs. Let them run outside a but, put them in their crates. Unloaded the suv. Put the cooler good away. Unloaded the lawnmower i had been hauling, unhooked the trailer and Put it away. Covered the lawnmower up with a tarp and was cleaning the kitchen when i saw it black dog peeking her head around the garage. That dog should have been with aw in the car. Chased the dog around the neighborhood. Cornered her in a neighbors garage. Walked home with a neighbor who came out to help. She seemed tipsy, didn't say much, what she said made no Sence and was slurred. She was off balance. Came in the house, laid down on the couch, fell asleep. Left me to unpack everything. Denied drinking When i said i thought she had been. (Boundary 2- drinking and driving, or drinking at all or being drink around me or in my house).
So, given my boundaries, i can choose to enforce then, let her car be repossesd and she can't get to work, ask her to move out because she's drinking. Or i can decide not to enforce my boundaries or i can decide to change my boundaries. I really dislike this disease today because there are no good choices for me in this situation. Just the dumb disease and it's effects.
The good news i suppose is that I'm not second guessing myself about the drinking. In the past when she's denied it, I've doubted myself. I sure don't doubt myself today. And there is progress in my recovery, if nothing else!
Sometimes I find that after sleeping, my mind finds a solution the next morning . Or sometimes after a long walk.
However, many people in alanon -- both newcomers/beginners, less seasoned people, as well as long-time, seasoned members of alanon -- forget, or perhaps don't understand the enigmatic aspect of this disease. Yes, we go to a lot of meetings and we hear it's a baffling, cunning, and progressive disease, however many people don't truly understand what that means. This disease lives, breathes, it evolves, changes, yes it's progressive, debilitating, and decimating -- and so is it's impact and affect on life, both the alcoholic's life and the life of a loved one. There are times where "what always worked" either doesn't or no longer will. Hence, alanon is not a program you graduate from. You keep going. You keep learning...to live...to work the program. It's very easy to preach, live your life, and practice on a bulletin board...but you have to go out and live life in the real day to day world. When this happens...life can get hard for us. Day to day living can be hard.
My sponsor used to say nothing changes if nothing changes...and...then he would ask...are you just doing damage control? Are you just going through the motions? If your regular, normal program doesn't work, what do you want to do? Are you happy? If nothing changes, is this how you want to live one month from now? Six months from now? One year? Five years? Is this the life you want to live? Yes, it's very easy to say one day at a time. Do that long enough, and it's one year. Five. Ten. Twenty. I've heard people interpret alanon and they make it a program of defending and then justifying status quo. They make it a program of "no action" and live under the guise of "I detach" or "I don't enable" or "I have my boundaries" -- and that's that. It's enough. It's my program.
Keep it simple. If you are not happy...make change. Adapt, improvise, lean into your program, look at options, and more. Talk to your sponsor. Meet with him/her, start looking to him/her for input, guidance, experience, insight, objectivity and accountability.
All the best.
(((Skorpi))) - so very, very sorry that the disease is affecting you and your wife currently. There is nothing that makes me feel more powerless than watching the disease 'alive and well' in one that I love. It makes me sad and uncertain what action might best help, and then I lean into my program and recall that I am to focus on me and do what helps me.
Like you, I don't feel the call to run/walk away, just for today. I have a close relationship with God, and that message to make great changes has never propelled me into drastic action. That still small voice within suggests being kind and gentle to me, spend time with healthy people doing healthy things (meeting, walk, golf, prayer, meditation).
I am a Joel Osteen fan, and today's sermon spoke to me. It's called, Take a Seat, and suggests that when we truly have a relationship with the God of our understanding, and trust that same God, there are times in life where we need to stop taking action to 'fix others' or 'direct traffic' and instead 'Take a Seat' and allow God to work in our lives. Here's a link if interested!
For me, and my recovery, I have to consider what's my fear, ego and will raising up vs. what's the next right thing for my action. Projection during active recovery is not a grand plan for me, as I will always project the worse case scenario. I do best when I focus on what the Serenity Prayer suggests - Serenity, Acceptance, Courage, Change, Wisdom, Difference. I always have to remind myself that what another is doing is not 'at me' or 'because of me'. It's about them and the disease. There is no shame in loving another who is sick so long as we work to stay well/healthy!
Huge hugs - sending prayers and positive energy your way!
Glad to hear you had a replenishing 2 weeks in the woods!
I am sorry to hear that the disease is still running wild with your spouse. I liked everyone's ESH...from all you good folk, a newcomer can pick and choose an idea/way that could be good for them. There is no "right" way. I am being reminded of the 2 A's - Awareness, Acceptance, & Action. There can be stops and stalls, regroupings, changes of boundaries/behaviors... this thread is a perfect example of "real life" working this thing called Al-Anon Recovery.
I am blessed to be here!
AW still swears she hadn't been drinking, and I do know in the past, when she had a portable breathalyzer, that sometimes her actions would lead me to believe she had been drinking and the Breathalyzer would indicate no alcohol in her system. SO, being the researcher I am, I googled it.
And really, that's not here nor there, as I explained to her, I'm not going to continue to live with her blacking out, stumbling around, unable to form coherent utterances, regardless of the cause, and I expect her to either not drink around me and/or take care of herself by going to the doctor so they can figure out what is going on.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want my life to look like, how I want to live, and asking myself if my actions are in line with that. (A strategy I heard at work first, actually. "What am I doing and how are my actions aligned with my goals?") I like the idea that my goals, wants, needs can change over time. What seemed like a major improvement a few years ago doesn't necessarily meet my needs today, and I am allowed to change my goals, wants, needs, etc. to fit today. And so, I decided to go to a campfire AA/Alanon meeting tonight. AW doesn't want me to go, I'm not sure why - she gave me so many disjointed reasons, I am actually not sure what the real issue is. She was invited as well, but she doesn't want to go. Either way is fine with me, but I don't think her lack of desire to go should dictate my ability to go. I want to have more social connections and do things besides watch tv at home in the evenings and on weekends. And, as a good friend pointed out - if I just say I want that, but I don't follow through with my behavior, then my actions are not in line with my goals and my words do not carry meaning. So, progress, I think.
I think Alanon is a lifelong journey for me, and I KNOW I need the program to stay in my marriage. The disease isn't going to go away, it is going to continue to pop up at odd, unexpected moments, and I know I need a strong program and a group of people who understand who I can talk to about it when it does. And, even if I weren't in my marriage anymore, the impact of over a decade of living with the disease is something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. And, as today's reading reminds me, ignoring it isn't going to make it go away. I may as well acknowledge it, accept it, and decide what I want to do about it.
I applaud you, b/c I just love when Al-Anoners get that "AHA!" moment and then share how they process this information. And you are so right...a person's goals, needs, wants, DO change over time. We grow, we change. It's inevitable. Sometimes our "disease" makes us forget that! LOL!
Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your processing... Awareness, Acceptance and Action!
Skorpi,
I LOVE THIS!!!
You do you regardless of what the A is doing or not doing.
I love the fact you are allowing your goals, wants and needs to be flexible and to change with the times. Goals change they are met or they need to be redirected in terms of there are 26 letters in the alphabet if plan A isn't working there are 25 other choices to choose from.
Your A not wanting you to go and this is opinion .. lol .. speaks volumes of how much you have changed and that's HUGE. Change is like dropping a pebble in still water. The ripples out effect everyone involved sometimes on a very subconscious level. It makes others feel uncomfortable because by all means the infamous "change back" behavior as I call it starts to happen.
Change back so I don't have to change.
Big kudos and big hugs, I'm glad to share this journey with you!!
S :)
I remember something I read recently, about why someone finally went into recovery. She said something like, "I found I was exceeding my boundaries faster than I could lower them."
It seems that your AW is taking all kinds of actions that could lead to a crisis, especially if you decided to hold fast on your boundaries. My experience with that is that my A broke through all my boundaries at the speed of light. I kept trying to reset my bottom line but I just couldn't keep up. He made sure that each time, if I held to the bottom line, it would be a crisis, so my incentive to give way was pretty great. It does get exhausting, though - so exhausting.
Take good care of yourself.
Keep doing you - you are worth it and are doing awesome!
I absolutely, positively, emphatically, and completely...LOVE THIS POST!!! Thank you so very much Skorpi!!! Your awareness, clarity, and focus on YOU, what is healthy for you, and everything around this, is simply amazing!!! One thing jumped out at me..."what I want my life to look like, how I want to live, and asking myself if my actions are in line with that. (A strategy I heard at work first, actually. "What am I doing and how are my actions aligned with my goals?")"...that is simply amazing!!! I teach a course and one of the major components of it is "life congruency, mindfulness, and authenticity" -- and the focus of this is exactly what you said!!! Like alanon, for me, in my experience, this is (part of) a curriculum for living...and what you said about actions being aligned with what you want your life to look like and how you want to live...that's a major part of it. I love it!!!
I just read your post and it wreaks about YOU, your focus, what you want, your actions, and everything in and around that. I love that there is no talk about or focus on "leaving" or "staying" or anything of the like. That's clarity and focus on YOU. That's why I always say about alanon -- it doesn't matter -- leave, stay, married, divorced, whatever...the goal is that YOU are OK, happy, and healthy. Far too many people in my experience let the tail wag the dog! They use the program, work the program, to get what they wanted from the get-go, before recovery, and then don't reach a level of recovery -- they simply justify, rationalize, etc., what they originally wanted...forcing their will, their want, etc.
Thank you so much again for sharing!!! Keep doing what you are doing! Keep up the great work! I am inspired by your sharing and what you are doing...and I admire and respect the work you are doing on YOU, for YOU, and about YOU. All the best!
-- Edited by Bo on Tuesday 9th of July 2019 11:25:18 PM
Love this!!! Thanks Mattie!!!
The meeting last night was AWESOME and I am so glad I went!