Good morning all. Im feeling very sad and ashamed of myself today. Last night I went out with my AH to see a live band play. I made the very HUGE mistake of drinking along with him. Crazy, right? Thats the denial in me thinking its ok to do so. We used to do it all the time without an issue! So why didnt I even think for a moment that it was a terrible idea and would undoubtedly end badly?How stupid am I?? That was one of our things over the years- going to shows of bands that we like. It was always fun and memorable. Well not anymore. Over the last few years any show we went to always ended in fighting, tears and lots of crazy drama. Why WHY WHY did I think last night would be different? The evening was going fairly well (I had to ignore a lot of stupid remarks, but it was manageable), until we got home. I was a little tipsy, and I said something or other that completely set him off. BAD. What did I do? Reacted. In the worst possible way. He grabbed my phone and I chased him around the living room to get it back until we were involved in a full on tug of war. I snapped. I had zero restraint and everything just came bubbling to the surface. Namecalling. Throwing things. It was AWFUL. He said so many horrible things and it really set me off. I couldnt take it. I felt like a cornered animal. He screamed about divorcing me- and I said YES PLEASE. It was a lunatic asylum. So today Im feeling really awful. Im mad at myself for being naive and for being a willing participant in the ugliness. Im hurt because of all the things he said. I know- yesyou are supposed to ignore what the alcoholic says, but Im only human and honestly- I truly believe that theres an element of truth to a lot of what the alcoholic says. I believe its something they think even when sober, and then when drunk it comes out. Ive seen this so many times over the years from all the alcoholics in my life, be it grandfather , father, husband, whoever. Its like getting g drunk just opens the floodgates and whatever they think or have been bottling up inside, comes out.
Ugh. Feeling really depressed. The worst part is tonight I have my gallery opening reception and I will have to be in full on happy, socializing mode. I dont know how Ill get through it. Its going to be tough but I have to be there and make it work. So, with that Ill sign off apologies in advance, Im sure many of you will be shaking your head saying, what is wrong with this woman- why isnt she getting it ......
tiredtonite said
Jul 4, 2019
I'm sorry your evening turned out badly. I have done the same thing and expected different results in one form or another. We can't change others only our response to them. I'm guilty of reacting instead of responding even without having any drinks. I hope you will be able to regroup and focus on what you have in place for today. A gallery opening is fun and exciting event. A meeting, sponsor, saying the Serenity Prayer are all tools that have helped when I have to obligations ahead of me after a toxic event.
No need to beat yourself for longing for how it had been before the disease of alcoholism progressed in him. I know I've done things like this too. I just wanted it to be how it was so much I denied reality and found joy in the planning and hope in that it might be different this time. I continue to do this when there are special events and hope that those involved have somehow changed and will act kinder. Basically, I set myself up for resentment, feeling victimized, reacting and later self pity and shame. Do you think your alcoholic might be having some of these feelings too today? Likely.
When someone is drinking there's no filter concerning what they will say to offend. I think you're right. They can hit on what hurts us most. I've also heard that alcoholics will ridicule in us what they dislike about themselves. What's most important though is whether we ourselves believe these things about ourselves. I don't have to give my power away to another person to define my worth. Your A is an imperfect person and it's not a contest as to whose imperfections are worse. They are just imperfections because we're all human beings basically doing our best with what we have right now.
If I were so lucky as to be opening a gallery today I would ask myself what wonderful qualities about myself made that possible. What I focus on the longest becomes the strongest. The Just for Today Alanon bookmark is a good tool for compartmentalizing the past and doing what is in front of me. In instances like you mentioned when I have a big day ahead, I will apologize for my part but not linger to have a big discussion. I prefer to focus on what I need to do in the present day and say a prayer wherein I ask hp to be with me and help me adjust my thinking.
I hope something here helped. From what you've written here, your motive was a positive one. You wanted to recapture good times with him. It's OK really. (((hugs))))
Good luck with the gallery opening today. With hp's guidance you can be present and enjoy it! TT
Elabella said
Jul 4, 2019
tt- thank you so much- I really needed to hear those words. Im going to get my butt in gear, brush myself off, and go forward the rest of the day grateful and excited for the gift of serenity thanks to kind people like yourself. Have a great day!
Iamhere said
Jul 4, 2019
(((Elabella))) - I hope today/tonight's event goes spectacularly! I love how you've opted to let go and focus on today. Make no mistake - I've had my fair share (plus) of reacting to the insanity in others. Practicing this program, it happens less and less but trust me - we really are about progress and not perfection.
For me, when I slip and add to or participate in the insanity/chaos, it's really important for me to remember that I am an imperfect person, created by a power greater than I who knows my strengths and areas for improvement. I do not like the word defect or weakness - simply a tool I use to focus on growth and change instead of defeat and failure.
I also need to own my part, as clearly as possible without blaming/shaming another. Lastly, my sponsor does require me to make amends and even if I have confusion on who, what, when, where, etc. I am required to simply state that I am sorry for my actions, words, reactions in our conversation. No more, and no less especially if I am still emotionally charged as any YOU statements are counter-productive to making amends.
Don't beat yourself up - instead, consider what can be learned and how things can be different in the future. I find it absolutely necessary to believe deep down that I (al-anon member) can be just as crazy, controlling, button-pushing, pot-stirring as an A if I am not spiritually centered. The longer I am in recovery, the easier it is for me to see my part, and sometimes it's as easy as answering a question in my home.
Be gentle with you, consider focusing on Step One again and please let us know how your event went!
Bo said
Jul 5, 2019
Elabella, I did what you did about a thousand times! Yes, I felt sad, ashamed, and angry!!! So angry at myself. Why? A hundred reasons -- one of which -- I should have known better! Why else? Because I violated and did not honor my own boundary! Why else? Because...I WAS SHOPPING FOR BREAD IN A HARDWARE STORE!!! My wife is an alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do and this is what happens when I do things that are not good and not healthy for me.
Yes, I made up plenty of excuses on why it was OK to go, why it would be OK, why this time it will be different, and so on and so on. Simply put, NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES! Keep doing it, and it will keep happening. Period. Yes, denial, denial, denial. It doesn't matter what you used to do. False hope, complacency and denial when "the evening was going fairly well" EARLY ON, or AT FIRST. Oh, you had to ignore a lot of stupid remarks...it doesn't matter that it was manageable. Are you looking for manageable? Are you looking for bearable? Are you looking for tolerable? Not me, I am looking for joy and happiness...and I don't settle.
So, don't feel awful. Don't feel sad, embarrassed, ashamed, or angry. Well, feel it, surrender to it, and let it go. And LEARN FOR NEXT TIME...so there is NO NEXT TIME! No, you are not supposed to ignore what the alcoholic says...not at all!!! You are supposed to hear it, accept it, surrender to it, and let it go...but also hear it so that you don't have to hear it again! DETACH, DETACH, DETACH. I got to the point where I only heard the first 15 seconds of my wife's ranting and raving and name-calling, accusations, etc. -- or at least I only heard it for the amount of time it took me to get to the door...which was me detaching! You are focusing on what the alcoholic says and sitting with it, analyzing it, thinking about it...so...DO NOT DO IT.
Don't focus on what you are not doing. Let it go. Focus on what you need to do, one day at a time...one minute at a time when necessary. Too many people focus on giving themselves a pass when they slip. Yes, do that. Go gentle unto yourself. However, don't become the queen of denial, making excuses every day, giving yourself passes every day...DO NOT become a human-ATM machine giving yourself an never-ending supply of denial and excuses...because that is just justification to NOT CHANGE. This is a program of CHANGE. You can be the healthy person. You can be the happy person.
I hope your gallery opening went well. All the best.
Elabella said
Jul 16, 2019
Hi all. Thank you for all your shares. The gallery opening reception went great! I was so busy dealing with people and talking about my art that I had zero chance to focus on hubby , who incidentally spent more time in the bar next door than at the gallery sharing my excitement. That really hurt me. I know I cant control his disease or cure it, but it still really hurts tonotbe supported by the one person you expect is your number one fan. Should be. I dont think my expectations are unrealistic or selfish. But anyhow, I had a wonderful time regardless and felt like the belle of the ball for that night :)
Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement. Im humbled by the fact that total strangers on the internet are so wonderful. Have a beautiful day!!
Bo said
Jul 16, 2019
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR OPENING!!!
El said
Jul 16, 2019
Congratulations on your opening and feeling like the "belle of the ball" regardless of what hubby was doing. This is a tough road and you proceeded with....YOU.
Keep coming back,
Ellen
Elabella said
Jul 16, 2019
Thank you! It was surprisingly easy for me. Before I started AlAnon (and Im a total newbie), my entire focus wouldve been on him, how many times did he leave to go drink, who is he talking to, what is he saying, etc. Not this time! It was incredibly freeing to just be me and enjoy the company of all the family and friends that came to support me and not caring one bit if he was drunk, wasnt drunk, whatever! Everyone was calmer, happier...to a degree. Its still hard on the drives home when hes intoxicated, gets very annoying and gets under everyones skin. Thankfully the gallery is 10 minutes from our house LOL!
Bo said
Jul 16, 2019
Next time drive alone! You shouldn't be getting in the car with him driving if he's been drinking...and you being his designated driver is you enabling.
Keep up the great work of FOCUSING ON YOU!!! LOVE IT!!!
Iamhere said
Jul 16, 2019
(((Elabella))) - awesomely great to read that your opening was grand, you had a blast and felt like the belle of the ball! That made my heart smile! I believe your ability to be present, enjoy the present and set aside the disease and the diseased shows exactly how self-care aids our recovery. I can so relate to those rides home - and you know what? As you get better, so will those. Over the years, in similar circumstances, mine are just super quiet simply because I have learned to pull over on the side of the road and have them depart the car! There's nothing worse that an obnoxious passenger - drunk or not!!
Keep taking good care of you! You are worth it!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 17, 2019
Congrats on a well-received opening!
You did well to enjoy YOUR night!
It will be damn hard to accept that your spouse isn't what you want him to be ("your biggest fan")... but you are learning happiness can still be attained! Kudos to you!!
I'm sorry your evening turned out badly. I have done the same thing and expected different results in one form or another. We can't change others only our response to them. I'm guilty of reacting instead of responding even without having any drinks. I hope you will be able to regroup and focus on what you have in place for today. A gallery opening is fun and exciting event. A meeting, sponsor, saying the Serenity Prayer are all tools that have helped when I have to obligations ahead of me after a toxic event.
No need to beat yourself for longing for how it had been before the disease of alcoholism progressed in him. I know I've done things like this too. I just wanted it to be how it was so much I denied reality and found joy in the planning and hope in that it might be different this time. I continue to do this when there are special events and hope that those involved have somehow changed and will act kinder. Basically, I set myself up for resentment, feeling victimized, reacting and later self pity and shame. Do you think your alcoholic might be having some of these feelings too today? Likely.
When someone is drinking there's no filter concerning what they will say to offend. I think you're right. They can hit on what hurts us most. I've also heard that alcoholics will ridicule in us what they dislike about themselves. What's most important though is whether we ourselves believe these things about ourselves. I don't have to give my power away to another person to define my worth. Your A is an imperfect person and it's not a contest as to whose imperfections are worse. They are just imperfections because we're all human beings basically doing our best with what we have right now.
If I were so lucky as to be opening a gallery today
I would ask myself what wonderful qualities about myself made that possible. What I focus on the longest becomes the strongest. The Just for Today Alanon bookmark is a good tool for compartmentalizing the past and doing what is in front of me. In instances like you mentioned when I have a big day ahead, I will apologize for my part but not linger to have a big discussion. I prefer to focus on what I need to do in the present day and say a prayer wherein I ask hp to be with me and help me adjust my thinking.
I hope something here helped. From what you've written here, your motive was a positive one. You wanted to recapture good times with him. It's OK really. (((hugs))))
Good luck with the gallery opening today. With hp's guidance you can be present and enjoy it! TT
For me, when I slip and add to or participate in the insanity/chaos, it's really important for me to remember that I am an imperfect person, created by a power greater than I who knows my strengths and areas for improvement. I do not like the word defect or weakness - simply a tool I use to focus on growth and change instead of defeat and failure.
I also need to own my part, as clearly as possible without blaming/shaming another. Lastly, my sponsor does require me to make amends and even if I have confusion on who, what, when, where, etc. I am required to simply state that I am sorry for my actions, words, reactions in our conversation. No more, and no less especially if I am still emotionally charged as any YOU statements are counter-productive to making amends.
Don't beat yourself up - instead, consider what can be learned and how things can be different in the future. I find it absolutely necessary to believe deep down that I (al-anon member) can be just as crazy, controlling, button-pushing, pot-stirring as an A if I am not spiritually centered. The longer I am in recovery, the easier it is for me to see my part, and sometimes it's as easy as answering a question in my home.
Be gentle with you, consider focusing on Step One again and please let us know how your event went!
Yes, I made up plenty of excuses on why it was OK to go, why it would be OK, why this time it will be different, and so on and so on. Simply put, NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES! Keep doing it, and it will keep happening. Period. Yes, denial, denial, denial. It doesn't matter what you used to do. False hope, complacency and denial when "the evening was going fairly well" EARLY ON, or AT FIRST. Oh, you had to ignore a lot of stupid remarks...it doesn't matter that it was manageable. Are you looking for manageable? Are you looking for bearable? Are you looking for tolerable? Not me, I am looking for joy and happiness...and I don't settle.
So, don't feel awful. Don't feel sad, embarrassed, ashamed, or angry. Well, feel it, surrender to it, and let it go. And LEARN FOR NEXT TIME...so there is NO NEXT TIME! No, you are not supposed to ignore what the alcoholic says...not at all!!! You are supposed to hear it, accept it, surrender to it, and let it go...but also hear it so that you don't have to hear it again! DETACH, DETACH, DETACH. I got to the point where I only heard the first 15 seconds of my wife's ranting and raving and name-calling, accusations, etc. -- or at least I only heard it for the amount of time it took me to get to the door...which was me detaching! You are focusing on what the alcoholic says and sitting with it, analyzing it, thinking about it...so...DO NOT DO IT.
Don't focus on what you are not doing. Let it go. Focus on what you need to do, one day at a time...one minute at a time when necessary. Too many people focus on giving themselves a pass when they slip. Yes, do that. Go gentle unto yourself. However, don't become the queen of denial, making excuses every day, giving yourself passes every day...DO NOT become a human-ATM machine giving yourself an never-ending supply of denial and excuses...because that is just justification to NOT CHANGE. This is a program of CHANGE. You can be the healthy person. You can be the happy person.
I hope your gallery opening went well. All the best.
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR OPENING!!!
Congratulations on your opening and feeling like the "belle of the ball" regardless of what hubby was doing. This is a tough road and you proceeded with....YOU.
Keep coming back,
Ellen
Keep up the great work of FOCUSING ON YOU!!! LOVE IT!!!
Keep taking good care of you! You are worth it!
You did well to enjoy YOUR night!
It will be damn hard to accept that your spouse isn't what you want him to be ("your biggest fan")... but you are learning happiness can still be attained! Kudos to you!!