In my town where I first started my recovery journey, one of our meetings would always start off, after the standard opening, passing around and reading this pamphlet: https://al-anon.org/pdf/S25.pdf
I'd completely forgotten about this pamphlet since I moved, as I've yet to encounter any of my local groups using it, but I thought I'd share its contents here. It's a free download from the WSO for anyone, and that's why I'm hoping it's okay to copy its entire contents onto the board here.
I remember saying "yes" to so many of these questions. Things have improved quite a bit over the years. I think I can still say "yes" to most of the questions, it's just that the frequency of my doing those things has lessened significantly. Hope this helps someone.
DID YOU GROW UP WITH A PROBLEM DRINKER?Al-Anon Is for You!
Al-Anon is for families, relatives, and friends whose lives have been affected by someone elses drinking. If someone close to you, such as a family member, friend, co-worker, or neighbor, has or has had a drink-ing problem, the following questions may help you determine if Al-Anon is for you.
Do you constantly seek approval and affirmation?
Do you fail to recognize your accomplishments?
Do you fear criticism?
Do you overextend yourself?
Have you had problems with your own compulsive behavior?
Do you have a need for perfection?
Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?
Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
Do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life?
Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself?
Do you isolate yourself from other people?
Do you respond with fear to authority figures and angry people?
Do you feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of you?
Do you have trouble with intimate relationships?
Do you confuse pity with love, as you did with the problem drinker?
Do you attract and/or seek people who tend to be compulsive and/or abusive?
Do you cling to relationships because you are afraid of being alone?
Do you often mistrust your own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?
Do you find it difficult to identify and express your emotions?
Do you think someones drinking may have affected you?
Alcoholism is a family disease. Those of us who have lived with this disease as chil-dren sometimes have problems which the Al-Anon program can help us to resolve. If you have answered yes to any of the above questions, Al-Anon may help.
SerenityRUS said
Jun 28, 2019
This is such a great read and thank you for sharing Aloha. This is kind of where I have been in my asking questions of myself and looking at the family history and how this has been generations of destructive behavior.
Hugs S:)
WildFlower said
Jun 28, 2019
This is an excellent pamphlet. Thank you for sharing it. I developed many of those issues not from being around a problem drinker when I was growing up, but from being exposed to severe fundamentalist religion, where a person could never do anything right. Damnation was always an inch away. I was called a whore from the pulpit for wearing lipstick. My brother, who became the alcoholic, grew up with it too.
Bo said
Jun 28, 2019
No, I grew up in an incredible family. I was raised well, by two wonderful parents, educated, successful, happy, and healthy families.
The disease of alcoholism didn't directly enter my life until I got married. Being in the bar/nightclub industry, I was exposed to heavy-drinkers, weekend warriors, power-drinkers, and know-it-all students of modern chemistry, LOL. However, then, it wasn't PERSONAL...It was simply business. Interesting dynamic. Thought-provoking.
DavidG said
Jun 28, 2019
Yes, yes, yes... ...other members of the family thought differently, of course!
We are all different things- to different people... and that is life plays out.
Aloha... I read that list long ago, now... and it still rings true, today... I can read them clearly now- clear, crisp and neat.
I was never a drinker, or a user- but I viewed the world through chronic emotional numbing... it was really tough.
So nice to read this- through the clear light of day! :D
-- Edited by DavidG on Friday 28th of June 2019 03:19:55 PM
Iamhere said
Jun 28, 2019
Thanks for sharing Aloha! I did not grow up with active alcoholism in my home. However, we did have a drunk uncle who died from this disease. Having said this, and learning more as I aged about my family history, both my grandfathers were alcoholic. This made both of my parents untreated Al-Anoners....and I can readily share that 'this' was intense and when I arrived at Al-Anon, I could answer Yes to many of these questions.
Arriving at the other side of the program more than 30 years ago, I spent a ton of time believing that I was greatly flawed and just got struck by 'the bug', 'the addiction gene' and/or 'the insanity of the disease'. I've since learned that not only did both of my grandfathers suffer from this disease, so did several of their siblings, their fathers, their fathers' fathers, etc. Of note - none of this information came from my parents (the untreated al-anoners) but from caring, loving aunts and relatives who felt I had a right to know.
My father had an uncle who jumped to his death in CA. To this day, he doesn't know that I know. I was raised in a home where there were generational secrets help close to the vest and have just come to accept it. My journey doesn't have to be about my past nor do I need a reason or life event to be in need of recovery. I am a real believer that the God of my understanding has a master plan, it unfolds as necessary and more will be (is always) revealed when I am ready.
My life runs smoother when I live and let live. My life runs smoother when I realize that all others have done their best at the time with what they have/had. I can't imagine what it was like for my parents living with active addiction and have no doubt if affected them greatly and formed their journey in ways I do not understand. I do not love them any less as I do know they showed me love in the only way they knew how to.
I always had more than enough - food, housing, friends, etc. We were never a hugely affectionate family and my parents were very critical with high demands/expectations. I left at 17 as I could not meet their needs...That was almost 40 years ago, and I just choose to not allow my past define me, thanks to recovery!
IamLynn said
Jun 29, 2019
I am so thankful that I was raised by a mother who talked to me about her past and my father's past. My dad learned to keep silent and secret something that only allowed us to see just him not where or what he came from. My dad was not an easy man to have a relationship with yet when I look back after I have been through life's ups and downs that he took what was given him from a hard childhood touched deeply by alcoholism and lived his life as best he could if not better. My mother also grew up in harsh times during the depression going to bed hungry on the dole for a time and enduring childhood trauma that must have seemed unendurable. That story of putting one through the fire until the steel hardens and shines is something I think about with them. Despite their flaws they attempted to make their life and ours better for us.
To expect and have expected perfection and all the right answers from my parents is so unfair and that was a flaw I had to overcome. I was a photo explorer on rainy days and it wasn't until later in life I would see the photos of their first years together and the shining look on their face was joyous. Then later in life raising children, working, and dealing with the outside world took a tole on them and they still persevered. It made me sad to see what a wearing down life here can be. Anyway when I look back I see and thank my HP for helping me see that I can't expect anything from those who came before and after me but only have me, now, the only one I can change and confront.
I miss them and am learning that often in life the ordinary to the outside world is actually the extraordinary. Sometimes when I'm feeling down I think of all the people who came before me from farther back than I care to count and somehow they endured flawed yes but passed to me another chance to shine like steel after going through a fire.
Thank you for this post Aloha.
Aloha said
Jul 1, 2019
I've heard if anyone shakes their family tree hard enough there's guaranteed to be a few alcoholics who come tumbling out of it.
I really grappled with the initial question of that pamphlet when I first encountered it. To my knowledge my mother had been sober all my life, and in my ignorance I thought sober=healthy. So I was always so baffled by why it was I could say "yes" to pretty much all the questions when I thought I hadn't grown up in a house where there was a drinking problem.
I learned in the rooms that un-treated Al-Anons can be just as sick, if not sicker than, the alcoholics. They pass their insecurities and coping mechanisms along in their families. My father's an un-treated Al-Anon for certain. I feel I learned more of those behaviors from him than from my mother, whom I later learned through the program that sober does NOT equate healthy. She passed her own set of insecurities and coping mechanisms to myself and my brother, as well.
So, even if you feel like you grew up in a loving home. You didn't witness your parents drinking in excess. No falling down drunk, no abusive tirades, etc. etc. you can STILL be affected by a family member's drinking. Even if said family member was a generation or two past.
-- Edited by Aloha on Monday 1st of July 2019 08:41:22 AM
SerenityRUS said
Jul 1, 2019
One of the best movies and it seriously made me feel uncomfortable it showed clearly how addiction affected the family is Saving Mr. Banks.
Untreated alanon behavior of acting out. It was scary to think before alanon I was headed that direction.
Hugs S :)
Elabella said
Jul 4, 2019
Yes on all those counts. Grew up in an alcoholic home where my father was violent and abusive when drunk, (verbally, physically and sexually abusive). But whensober was an ok guy that everyone loved because he was charming and handsome. My grandfather (his father) was the same way. My aunt (his sister) was an alcoholic and died as a direct result of the disease. Family friends were alcoholics. Ive been so affected by the disease.
In my town where I first started my recovery journey, one of our meetings would always start off, after the standard opening, passing around and reading this pamphlet: https://al-anon.org/pdf/S25.pdf
I'd completely forgotten about this pamphlet since I moved, as I've yet to encounter any of my local groups using it, but I thought I'd share its contents here. It's a free download from the WSO for anyone, and that's why I'm hoping it's okay to copy its entire contents onto the board here.
I remember saying "yes" to so many of these questions. Things have improved quite a bit over the years. I think I can still say "yes" to most of the questions, it's just that the frequency of my doing those things has lessened significantly. Hope this helps someone.
DID YOU GROW UP WITH A PROBLEM DRINKER?Al-Anon Is for You!
Al-Anon is for families, relatives, and friends whose lives have been affected by someone elses drinking. If someone close to you, such as a family member, friend, co-worker, or neighbor, has or has had a drink-ing problem, the following questions may help you determine if Al-Anon is for you.
Alcoholism is a family disease. Those of us who have lived with this disease as chil-dren sometimes have problems which the Al-Anon program can help us to resolve. If you have answered yes to any of the above questions, Al-Anon may help.
Hugs S:)
This is an excellent pamphlet. Thank you for sharing it. I developed many of those issues not from being around a problem drinker when I was growing up, but from being exposed to severe fundamentalist religion, where a person could never do anything right. Damnation was always an inch away. I was called a whore from the pulpit for wearing lipstick. My brother, who became the alcoholic, grew up with it too.
The disease of alcoholism didn't directly enter my life until I got married. Being in the bar/nightclub industry, I was exposed to heavy-drinkers, weekend warriors, power-drinkers, and know-it-all students of modern chemistry, LOL. However, then, it wasn't PERSONAL...It was simply business. Interesting dynamic. Thought-provoking.
Yes, yes, yes... ...other members of the family thought differently, of course!
We are all different things- to different people... and that is life plays out.
Aloha... I read that list long ago, now... and it still rings true, today... I can read them clearly now- clear, crisp and neat.
I was never a drinker, or a user- but I viewed the world through chronic emotional numbing... it was really tough.
So nice to read this- through the clear light of day! :D
-- Edited by DavidG on Friday 28th of June 2019 03:19:55 PM
Arriving at the other side of the program more than 30 years ago, I spent a ton of time believing that I was greatly flawed and just got struck by 'the bug', 'the addiction gene' and/or 'the insanity of the disease'. I've since learned that not only did both of my grandfathers suffer from this disease, so did several of their siblings, their fathers, their fathers' fathers, etc. Of note - none of this information came from my parents (the untreated al-anoners) but from caring, loving aunts and relatives who felt I had a right to know.
My father had an uncle who jumped to his death in CA. To this day, he doesn't know that I know. I was raised in a home where there were generational secrets help close to the vest and have just come to accept it. My journey doesn't have to be about my past nor do I need a reason or life event to be in need of recovery. I am a real believer that the God of my understanding has a master plan, it unfolds as necessary and more will be (is always) revealed when I am ready.
My life runs smoother when I live and let live. My life runs smoother when I realize that all others have done their best at the time with what they have/had. I can't imagine what it was like for my parents living with active addiction and have no doubt if affected them greatly and formed their journey in ways I do not understand. I do not love them any less as I do know they showed me love in the only way they knew how to.
I always had more than enough - food, housing, friends, etc. We were never a hugely affectionate family and my parents were very critical with high demands/expectations. I left at 17 as I could not meet their needs...That was almost 40 years ago, and I just choose to not allow my past define me, thanks to recovery!
To expect and have expected perfection and all the right answers from my parents is so unfair and that was a flaw I had to overcome. I was a photo explorer on rainy days and it wasn't until later in life I would see the photos of their first years together and the shining look on their face was joyous. Then later in life raising children, working, and dealing with the outside world took a tole on them and they still persevered. It made me sad to see what a wearing down life here can be. Anyway when I look back I see and thank my HP for helping me see that I can't expect anything from those who came before and after me but only have me, now, the only one I can change and confront.
I miss them and am learning that often in life the ordinary to the outside world is actually the extraordinary. Sometimes when I'm feeling down I think of all the people who came before me from farther back than I care to count and somehow they endured flawed yes but passed to me another chance to shine like steel after going through a fire.
Thank you for this post Aloha.
I've heard if anyone shakes their family tree hard enough there's guaranteed to be a few alcoholics who come tumbling out of it.
I really grappled with the initial question of that pamphlet when I first encountered it. To my knowledge my mother had been sober all my life, and in my ignorance I thought sober=healthy. So I was always so baffled by why it was I could say "yes" to pretty much all the questions when I thought I hadn't grown up in a house where there was a drinking problem.
I learned in the rooms that un-treated Al-Anons can be just as sick, if not sicker than, the alcoholics. They pass their insecurities and coping mechanisms along in their families. My father's an un-treated Al-Anon for certain. I feel I learned more of those behaviors from him than from my mother, whom I later learned through the program that sober does NOT equate healthy. She passed her own set of insecurities and coping mechanisms to myself and my brother, as well.
So, even if you feel like you grew up in a loving home. You didn't witness your parents drinking in excess. No falling down drunk, no abusive tirades, etc. etc. you can STILL be affected by a family member's drinking. Even if said family member was a generation or two past.
-- Edited by Aloha on Monday 1st of July 2019 08:41:22 AM