Sometimes we believe that our loved ones cannot take care of themselves and will not survive unless we do things for them. When crises happen, we have put our needs last. In Al-Anon we learn another option: Let go and let God.
Letting go of another person affirms their right to live their own life and to grow as they experience the results of their choices and the natural course of events. Obsession with another person disrupts our connection with that person, and our connection with our own spirit.
Quote from The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage: "I will remind myself that I am powerless over anyone else, that I can live no life but my own. Changing myself for the better is the only way I can find peace and serenity."
In my experience, letting go is a great principle that can be very hard to put into practice. It can be hard to see the difference between helping someone and enabling or infantilizing them. I need the wisdom to know the difference.
I am dealing with a situation now where, in the past, I have swooped in and fixed things for a loved one. This time, I realize that the person doesn't want me to do that. They feel ashamed when I barge in and "take care of things," even though the task seems too overwhelming for them to do on their own.
This time around, I am limiting my involvement to talking with them on the phone about other resources they could use, and staying present while they search for the information online. It is taking so much longer than if I did the work myself, but finally -- after several weeks -- it looks like the resource has been found, the job will get done, and not by me. I am hoping my loved one will feel more empowered and have more self-esteem this way.
MIP friends, how do you decide when to help and when to let go? Is there a way to be helpful and caring without putting ourselves last?
Iamhere said
Jun 21, 2019
Thank you Freetime for your service, the daily and your ESH. I agree that letting go makes so much sense in the definition and suggestion and can be hard to practice. I can also relate to the 'help' I have offered in the past, and how that has affected the journey of another as well as my own. With the best of intentions, and no malicious intent, I too have swooped in and 'saved the day'...
I believe today that my 'help' was never about another, but rather about me - me wanting things my way, me wanting to change others 'for the best', me believing I knew better for another...forcing my way/will on another left them and myself exhausted more often than not and contributed to the chaos/insanity of this disease.
Today, I practice letting go way more than 'helping'. When 'life' happens, I practice the pause, seek to understand, pray and meditate and ask the suggested question, How can I be of service? This helps keep me focused on serving others vs. saving them. If the answer to that question is beyond my comfort level and/or boundaries, I am able to respond accordingly. What I have found time and time again is when I put myself first, and it conflicts with what's asked of me, my serenity is way less affected if I stay true to my journey. It is when I adjust my life/plans to suit another that I tend to go off-course, and then have to redirect to the middle.
When I allow others to be who they are, and practice letting go, even when I don't like it, my journey is easier. It's when I place myself in the middle of another's life and journey that I find my serenity slipping. I am grateful to Al-Anon for showing me a better way, even when it's hard! Happy Friday all - make it a great day!
hotrod said
Jun 21, 2019
Good Morning Freetime This is one important tool that I never embraced. When my son was in the midst o his battle with this dreadful disease,. I let go for a time and then when insanity loomed i Jumped right in and took over . i have no regrets as I saw this as my parental responsibility and am grateful that i had the resources to do it.
Thanks for your service
Skorpi said
Jun 21, 2019
Good morning MIP! And thanks for your service, Freetime!
This is a great topic for me, especially as it related to my behavior with the alcoholic. We are married, and I struggle with when help is a normal thing one would do in a relationship and when help is enabling. I heard suggested in a meeting that I shouldn't be doing anything for the alcoholic that the alcoholic could reasonably do for themselves as an adult. I'm still trying to figure out where that line is, but it is about practice, not perfection. One of the things I especially struggle with is helping my wife do something that she cannot or will not do on her own when there are negative consequences that impact me. Take a medical bill. She didn't arrange for a payment plan, she didn't use our medical card to pay the bill (even though there was money available to do so), and I stayed out of it, letting her decide when to do that. The bill was in her name, after all. Not really any of my business. But then, when the collections bill arrived in both our names, I decided to step in and take care of it. since it was a collections bill, I couldn't use our medical account to pay it, so the payment plan I proposed is also negatively impacting the household budget. I'm not sure that was the right or wrong thing to do, but I know I don't want to get back into dealing with a bunch of bills in collections.
So, that's my constant struggle - when is helping helpful, when is it enabling, and does it matter if I am left to experience the negative consequences? And how does that all fit together with my boundaries? Topics like this aren't easy, and they really motivate me to keep coming back to Alanon where I can puzzle through them.
Today is my last day in the office before a couple weeks vacation. I'm looking forward to the time away. It has been an intense several months, and I know I could use the break.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 21, 2019
Good morning MIP! Thank you Freetime for your service. It's pouring rain here in Cali... first day of summer LOL!
I tend to agree with FT - this is a wonderful principle that can be very hard to implement at first. I must say, I was always the "fixer." Quite a few years ago, sometime during our 10 years of marriage counseling (of which neither myself or the counselor knew my husband was a private addict), the therapist asked me "Why are you acting like his mother? You are his wife, partner." That was surely eye-opening for me!! Upon serious reflection, sadly, my "fixing" ways just transferred to my son when he was born. There, it was needed and encouraged... but I think there were times when my son didn't feel the full consequences b/c I had jumped in and "saved" the day. Luckily, I came into my first F2F when he was 9... so I became enlightened to my faults, and I am hoping, did a good job at pulling away, naturally over the years.
I am finding that it is easier to do with my new "adult" son than it was with my spouse. Because like Skorpi shared, my "stuff" was all entangled with his negative consequences of drinking b/c we were married. There was always some crisis - usually financial - that I had to intervene with, b/c I didn't want it to negatively affect our family. Most times it worked, sometimes it didn't.
Sadly, I couldn't allow myself to drop that rope until 1) I protected myself financially, and 2) I was "done" with him emotionally. Sometimes, I look back and wonder how this all would be if I could've done better at this. But then I remind myself that I could've worked this perfectly, and there would be so many times I would still be affected financially in a negative way, and I was just sick and tired of being the one who had all the damage.
Fantastic job, Freetime! I am reading how you are handling your loved one and their problem, and it so reminded me of how I approach my son now! I pause, and I then allow him to figure it out. I tell him, "I think you will figure this out, I am sure... if you need me, I am here." Then I work hard at putting the results (whatever they end up being) out of my mind. So far, it is working with only a few bumps here and there!
It's finally Friday!!! TGIF!! Even though this is not typical summer weather for SoCal, I am reveling in the cool temps, and the sound of the rain as I type this!! Make your Friday a great one!! Peace!
Hoot Nanny said
Jun 21, 2019
Serenity comes when we let go! We let go of the responsibilities that are not our own. We take care of ourselves first & try not to play God. I know for me, that I can no longer be responsible for my Ah. He is in sobriety & he has his own life. I don't try to meet his needs. I don't try to control him. I don't try to tell him what is best for him unless he asks me something that he needs an answer to.
I am sure that you all know that in sobriety the person who is the addict is not going to change unless they want to. I have no right to interfere or judge him. We are all sharing the same disease just in different forms.
I hope this makes sense & not off topic. I just wanted to share from my heart. I often try to stay on the right track but sometimes I think too much.
By the way, those of us who are in the U.S. are supposed to be celebrating the first day of summer. Up here it is very cold & rainy. I assume that a lot of us are struggling w/ heavy rain & even some drought. I guess mother nature is having a field day! I hope we can experience the sunshine more & soon.
El said
Jun 21, 2019
Thank you Freetime and all who shared. This is a timely message for me. Like Skorpi, I struggle with when am I helping to protect our mutual issues vs. enabling and taking over so its done THE RIGHT WAY according to Ellen. I tend to ask myself how it will affect me to leave him to his own devices. Not really? Ill try and leave it alone. If it will hurt or affect me negatively, Im going to jump in to save my backside. As far as my A daughter, I have backed way off.... one day at a time with her. Currently, she seems to be sober and well, but I dont know that 100%.
We actually have a lovely first day of summer here in western NY state. Sunny, blue skies, 75 with low humidity. Was a rain-fest yesterday!
Happy weekend!
Ellen
Carla61 said
Jun 21, 2019
I can so relate. Should I wake him up for work, after he has been drinking all night. That's a hard one. I have decided that he is an adult and needs to take his own responsibility.
It was hard. But i am doing it. Ok, I do send the dogs in the room..that works.
DavidG said
Jun 21, 2019
My first qualifier was my dad- and he was a handful!
Since I was a kid I took on his burden. I was away from the district for eight years. My dad said to me- he was a rager! "We fought for your freedom and now you do what you b-well like!" I came back home after those eight years and picked up where I left off. Because of my initiative dad never had to sit on a bark bench with a paper shrouded sherry bottle between his knees-oh no, not my dad! My initiative kept him in his home until the day he died. When I opened his will I found he had left me out. So we lost the property we had worked so hard to retain and were kicked out of our house we had built. Other members the family were catalysts in this one. Like many families where there is an inevitable death- there is a certain ampul too politicking behind the scenes- that comes out- on the day.
So detachment and serenity were hard-won. I decided that dad wanted me to battle on, on my own, and I rebuilt our finances in the neighbouring town. It nearly killed me- but ah suppose it did make me a finer fellow??? ...
So Dam still looking for that silver thread- that will lead me to the crock of gold- at the end of the rainbow...
Sometimes we believe that our loved ones cannot take care of themselves and will not survive unless we do things for them. When crises happen, we have put our needs last. In Al-Anon we learn another option: Let go and let God.
Letting go of another person affirms their right to live their own life and to grow as they experience the results of their choices and the natural course of events. Obsession with another person disrupts our connection with that person, and our connection with our own spirit.
Quote from The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage: "I will remind myself that I am powerless over anyone else, that I can live no life but my own. Changing myself for the better is the only way I can find peace and serenity."
--------------------------------------------------------
In my experience, letting go is a great principle that can be very hard to put into practice. It can be hard to see the difference between helping someone and enabling or infantilizing them. I need the wisdom to know the difference.
I am dealing with a situation now where, in the past, I have swooped in and fixed things for a loved one. This time, I realize that the person doesn't want me to do that. They feel ashamed when I barge in and "take care of things," even though the task seems too overwhelming for them to do on their own.
This time around, I am limiting my involvement to talking with them on the phone about other resources they could use, and staying present while they search for the information online. It is taking so much longer than if I did the work myself, but finally -- after several weeks -- it looks like the resource has been found, the job will get done, and not by me. I am hoping my loved one will feel more empowered and have more self-esteem this way.
MIP friends, how do you decide when to help and when to let go? Is there a way to be helpful and caring without putting ourselves last?
I believe today that my 'help' was never about another, but rather about me - me wanting things my way, me wanting to change others 'for the best', me believing I knew better for another...forcing my way/will on another left them and myself exhausted more often than not and contributed to the chaos/insanity of this disease.
Today, I practice letting go way more than 'helping'. When 'life' happens, I practice the pause, seek to understand, pray and meditate and ask the suggested question, How can I be of service? This helps keep me focused on serving others vs. saving them. If the answer to that question is beyond my comfort level and/or boundaries, I am able to respond accordingly. What I have found time and time again is when I put myself first, and it conflicts with what's asked of me, my serenity is way less affected if I stay true to my journey. It is when I adjust my life/plans to suit another that I tend to go off-course, and then have to redirect to the middle.
When I allow others to be who they are, and practice letting go, even when I don't like it, my journey is easier. It's when I place myself in the middle of another's life and journey that I find my serenity slipping. I am grateful to Al-Anon for showing me a better way, even when it's hard! Happy Friday all - make it a great day!
Thanks for your service
This is a great topic for me, especially as it related to my behavior with the alcoholic. We are married, and I struggle with when help is a normal thing one would do in a relationship and when help is enabling. I heard suggested in a meeting that I shouldn't be doing anything for the alcoholic that the alcoholic could reasonably do for themselves as an adult. I'm still trying to figure out where that line is, but it is about practice, not perfection. One of the things I especially struggle with is helping my wife do something that she cannot or will not do on her own when there are negative consequences that impact me. Take a medical bill. She didn't arrange for a payment plan, she didn't use our medical card to pay the bill (even though there was money available to do so), and I stayed out of it, letting her decide when to do that. The bill was in her name, after all. Not really any of my business. But then, when the collections bill arrived in both our names, I decided to step in and take care of it. since it was a collections bill, I couldn't use our medical account to pay it, so the payment plan I proposed is also negatively impacting the household budget. I'm not sure that was the right or wrong thing to do, but I know I don't want to get back into dealing with a bunch of bills in collections.
So, that's my constant struggle - when is helping helpful, when is it enabling, and does it matter if I am left to experience the negative consequences? And how does that all fit together with my boundaries? Topics like this aren't easy, and they really motivate me to keep coming back to Alanon where I can puzzle through them.
Today is my last day in the office before a couple weeks vacation. I'm looking forward to the time away. It has been an intense several months, and I know I could use the break.
Good morning MIP! Thank you Freetime for your service. It's pouring rain here in Cali... first day of summer LOL!
I tend to agree with FT - this is a wonderful principle that can be very hard to implement at first. I must say, I was always the "fixer." Quite a few years ago, sometime during our 10 years of marriage counseling (of which neither myself or the counselor knew my husband was a private addict), the therapist asked me "Why are you acting like his mother? You are his wife, partner." That was surely eye-opening for me!!
Upon serious reflection, sadly, my "fixing" ways just transferred to my son when he was born. There, it was needed and encouraged... but I think there were times when my son didn't feel the full consequences b/c I had jumped in and "saved" the day. Luckily, I came into my first F2F when he was 9... so I became enlightened to my faults, and I am hoping, did a good job at pulling away, naturally over the years.
I am finding that it is easier to do with my new "adult" son than it was with my spouse. Because like Skorpi shared, my "stuff" was all entangled with his negative consequences of drinking b/c we were married. There was always some crisis - usually financial - that I had to intervene with, b/c I didn't want it to negatively affect our family. Most times it worked, sometimes it didn't.
Sadly, I couldn't allow myself to drop that rope until 1) I protected myself financially, and 2) I was "done" with him emotionally. Sometimes, I look back and wonder how this all would be if I could've done better at this. But then I remind myself that I could've worked this perfectly, and there would be so many times I would still be affected financially in a negative way, and I was just sick and tired of being the one who had all the damage.
Fantastic job, Freetime! I am reading how you are handling your loved one and their problem, and it so reminded me of how I approach my son now! I pause, and I then allow him to figure it out. I tell him, "I think you will figure this out, I am sure... if you need me, I am here." Then I work hard at putting the results (whatever they end up being) out of my mind. So far, it is working with only a few bumps here and there!
It's finally Friday!!! TGIF!! Even though this is not typical summer weather for SoCal, I am reveling in the cool temps, and the sound of the rain as I type this!! Make your Friday a great one!! Peace!
Serenity comes when we let go! We let go of the responsibilities that are not our own. We take care of ourselves first & try not to play God. I know for me, that I can no longer be responsible for my Ah. He is in sobriety & he has his own life. I don't try to meet his needs. I don't try to control him. I don't try to tell him what is best for him unless he asks me something that he needs an answer to.
I am sure that you all know that in sobriety the person who is the addict is not going to change unless they want to. I have no right to interfere or judge him. We are all sharing the same disease just in different forms.
I hope this makes sense & not off topic. I just wanted to share from my heart. I often try to stay on the right track but sometimes I think too much.
By the way, those of us who are in the U.S. are supposed to be celebrating the first day of summer. Up here it is very cold & rainy. I assume that a lot of us are struggling w/ heavy rain & even some drought. I guess mother nature is having a field day! I hope we can experience the sunshine more & soon.
Thank you Freetime and all who shared. This is a timely message for me. Like Skorpi, I struggle with when am I helping to protect our mutual issues vs. enabling and taking over so its done THE RIGHT WAY according to Ellen. I tend to ask myself how it will affect me to leave him to his own devices. Not really? Ill try and leave it alone. If it will hurt or affect me negatively, Im going to jump in to save my backside. As far as my A daughter, I have backed way off.... one day at a time with her. Currently, she seems to be sober and well, but I dont know that 100%.
We actually have a lovely first day of summer here in western NY state. Sunny, blue skies, 75 with low humidity. Was a rain-fest yesterday!
Happy weekend!
Ellen
My first qualifier was my dad- and he was a handful!
Since I was a kid I took on his burden. I was away from the district for eight years. My dad said to me- he was a rager! "We fought for your freedom and now you do what you b-well like!" I came back home after those eight years and picked up where I left off. Because of my initiative dad never had to sit on a bark bench with a paper shrouded sherry bottle between his knees-oh no, not my dad! My initiative kept him in his home until the day he died. When I opened his will I found he had left me out. So we lost the property we had worked so hard to retain and were kicked out of our house we had built. Other members the family were catalysts in this one. Like many families where there is an inevitable death- there is a certain ampul too politicking behind the scenes- that comes out- on the day.
So detachment and serenity were hard-won. I decided that dad wanted me to battle on, on my own, and I rebuilt our finances in the neighbouring town. It nearly killed me- but ah suppose it did make me a finer fellow???
...
So Dam still looking for that silver thread- that will lead me to the crock of gold- at the end of the rainbow...