Its been a while, but I've just been a mess lately (not al-anon stuff so been talking with my sponsor/friends, etc)
my biggest client on Friday mornings, where i've worked for over 10 years now and who pays me as much as my SS check is in a month is floundering
we are only weeks away from closing our doors and I have NO replacement lined up and won't be able to suport me if I don't find immediate replacement, so lots of crying, anger, rage at this latest "blessing" and working through all the fear and grieving , trying to cling to my program and my support system, in recovery and my close loved ones
I'm doing all I can to advertise me as cheaply as I can , taking care of things WHILE I AM STILL WORKING so when it does happen, I'll have the car up to date, the storms, one after another, took out my garage door, so I had to replace it and the guy was so nice to GIVE me a garage door opener because mine was fried
So yea, working my budget which is a joke, but just seeing where I can cut this and change that because with just SS, NOTHING can break down or go wrong and how likely is THAT gonna happen?? So i am just , while I am working out ways to get my "name out there" bracing myself for this..changing what I buy at the grocery to keep within the budget..Found a good feed store where I can save on dog food and its a good product...I had to replace my Iphone because mine kept crashing so I worked a deal with spectrum and with new phone (Payments are real reasonable) and my new plan with them, i pay the same I did with that rip off Verizon..
So I am doing everything i can to help myself...doing a LOT of meditating and mantras to connect with my inner higher self, slowing down and paying attention, focusing on ONE task at a time and trying to get more rest because the stress of all this is just wearing me out
They say the THREE biggest stressors are: Death of a spouse, bad divorce and JOB LOSS, losing my livlihood has me scared big time...
so the slogan ONE HOUR at a time , I use lots..When I feel the fear coming, I just keep telling me "TODAY you are OK and the bills are getting paid" and I am taking it very easy on myself, if I need to be alone and quiet, I do that...I give and do for others what I can and say "no" when I cannot...Self care is priority now
Boss man set up a pool cleaning business where his son, who quit working at our place (another long story) but anyway, I will do their books, but they are very small, new business, but HEY!!! Every little bit helps...that could be my months dog food....so trying to find stuff to be grateful for and exercising, eating clean foods...doing deep breathing and LOTS of just quietly connecting to my higher self, listening, trying to pay attention so I can act upon an idea that might help me
anyway, I hope all of you are OK and enjoying the warmer weather..We are getting one storm after another..its awful!!!! high winds, rain, electrical...one of them took out our power for over 10 hours, but my friend next door has a generator, and I plugged an extension wire into it and I was able to run the fridge, one lamp and my lap top so I could watch my movies off my usb discs...my BMF across the street brought 2 cans of beer over, one for him and one for me and we chit chatted and watched movies on my lap top as we waited out the storm...It got my mind of my job worries
So thats where I have been..BUSY , trying to shore up my 2 little clients...i'm going to, this week, IF I get to work for him, this Wednesday (he had previously said he wants me in 2x per mo- which would help me a lot) anyway, so far, he HASNT had me in becuz of the storms, or hes been sick, so i am gonna tell him IF I see him Wednesday, that if we are not going to get together on the agreed 2x per month with Fridays job sinking, I just may have to go get a PT job or if another new client pops up and I'll take it and may not be able to serve him anymore because with my GAD (he does not know my medical conditions) but with my GAD and PTSD, I can't work more then 2 1/2 days per week...I get too tired being around people and having to concentrate on the kind of work I do....so I'm going to mention to him, ARE we gonna work 2x per mo?? OR if we are not, then I'm going to just figure I am jobless and take the next good offer that comes up and he might have to do w/out me...I know he only trusts me with his stuff, but I gotta know I'm working becuz if I am not, I'm taking care of me...
Anyway, I just wanted to stop in and let those of you whom I exchange with whats been going on and that I do think about you guys and send loving energy over here, whether I'm posting or not.....
Take care/ thanks for reading me
mamalioness said
Jun 18, 2019
I told my facebook list that I was cutting back on social media except to post on my bookkeeping page I have on my profile as posting and sharing media an stuff was just too tiring for me of late...ALL my energy is on my healing and my being able to support myself, so I am cutting back or out a lot of stuff that I don't need or want to spend energy on right now, and also I am distancing myself from a cousin who is more of a PIA then a blessing..
stressors, breathing/animate or not, i am cutting them loose or putting distance..Just don't have the energy to give at this point... when i'm not doing my program and advertising/job hunting, I am at the gym, working off stress OR meditating to let this go, OR sleeping to escape and recharge...
yea, there are things and people that I had to let go of or distance myself from because self care comes first...
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 18, 2019
So good to "see" you again, Rose!!
I am so sorry that this is a stressful time for you. It sounds that you are really on top of taking care of you, though. I think the last time I was reading your shares, you weren't in communication with your BMF (his choice) and that was causing you some distress, so it is good to hear that your support/friend and you are talking again.
One foot in front of the other, my friend!
Putting an ease on your financial/work stress in my "talks with HP."
Temple said
Jun 18, 2019
Bless you, Rosie
So sorry to hear things are a little touch-and-go right now.
I PMd you.
Hugs,
Temple
El said
Jun 18, 2019
Blessings to you, Rose. Use your Alanon tools to help you through this stressful time....as you know.
JerryF said
Jun 18, 2019
Ho`omaika`i...blessings from Hilo also Rose and from the brother miracle who learned I could receive the miracles also that others smiled, laughed and shouted about. I have had them and continues to have them as I experience the consequences of faith and awareness that my HP just loves the heck out of me and enjoys having me happy, serene and sane.
You have this too little sister. Practice the knowing that you can and will also have the same miracles we in this family have received along this journey of healing. Thanks for the times you have reminded me of my former sponsor's question to me when I was exercising doubt and fear. "Could you be wrong"? he would ask me and there was just one time that I knee jerked toward considering answering No. When I said yes instead I could hear my HP laugh.
Practice feeling healed. ((((hugs))))
mamalioness said
Jun 21, 2019
(((((((((((((((((Posies and Temple, and El and Jerry)))))))))))))))))
Posies, I appreciate you putting in good word to your HP.....I have a feeling she knows better than not to listen to you, LOL..Your posts reflect such growth...even who I haven't posted in a while, I do "peek in the door" Every here and there..
Temple, I owe you some puppy pics and I will deliver....Lovely pm you wrote.....you are a love.....I'm so gr8ful that you are here....Somehow I just know that my Highest Self wants the best for me and even my poor little wounded inner child is starting to settle down and feel a tad safer...
hey El, yes, I am literally clinging onto my program , the steps, slogans, sharing and caring with other recovery mates, and being open to new ideas, honest about where I am at and how I'm feeling and I am sooo willing to experiment/explore/try anything good that works to draw to me more abundance.......and ya know??? with my metaphysical/yoga/Buddhist meditations adn chants for peace, connecting to my inner self, i DO feel better...
and Dearest Jerry, my brother from another mom, YES, as usual, you are right, HA HA...I COULD be wrong..i am READY to be wrong (re: doubts, etc) I think I am raising my vibrations, connecting to my TRUE self, not the fearful false self...I was open and honest with my other not quite as large, but big enough client and I just TOLD HIM THE TRUTH and I told him, that I wanted to keep my freelance business, but if I can't rely on him to let me work 2x per month AS AGREED upon, I'll just have to get a PT job with an accounting firm (YUCK, hate working for CPA's--done enough of that) but he told me he didn't' want anyone else touching his books, so yea, He wants me twice a month...That will help me "float" till I can replace Friday, if Friday goes under..We are fighting it, I set up a budget and if we all do our part, we CAN, at least, stay open a while longer, Realistically speaking, i think we are in our last year, anyway......I always enjoy your loving comments to us and I just LOVE the way you say your HP "loves the heck out of you" Jerry, who COULDN'T love you????
Actually I am not doing half bad, considering, yea, I have cried and I no longer deny my feelings..I allow them, embrace them so they pass through with less turbulence....I rest a bit more, say "NO" a bit more, exercise and binge on my chocolate candy on Friday, LOL, and really the big thing is connecting to my inner Higher Self...I think that is the biggy
really , it was soooo awesome, I was doing a deeeeep meditation and chanting for peace to all, and I saw a pilot light in my chest...it was little...flickering...but it was THERE....I petted my chest over my breastbone and told my little light that i was gonna give it the oxygen of love
I don't beat me up for making mistakes and no longer demand perfection....GOOD is good enough if it is my best that particular day......I think the big thing is not to dwell on the seemingly negative with my finite vision, but to realize and to reach out to my HS which really is my portal to the universal love which is of pure love, health, plenty and healthier self expression...
I am concerned...heck yes!!! I would be crazy and untruthful if I said "ohhhh nooooo!!! I'm not worried a bit" I am, but I have this kinda tiny Higher part of me that is saying that I'm on the right track and I AM making good karma......
Thanks to all of you for your ESH and love/support.... Grateful (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 22, 2019
Rose, I know that you were "just responding," but in all seriousness, you post struck a chord with me!!! I am aware of your struggles, so I know how rough it's been... yet, what I am reading is such healthy responses to your adversity!!
I see approaching your second largest client and disclosing the truth of the situation as the ultimate of letting your EGO go...you pushed your EGO aside, accepted that this was/is your reality at the moment, and you won't appear "weak" by sharing that with your contractor. As it turned out, he is so confident in your skills, he wants no other person or firm to touch his books! FANTASTIC!!! By being straightforward with him, he now knows what he could lose if he doesn't tend to it, and he has decided that you are more than worth it!!! I completely understand that sometimes, it is very hard for us to "put down" our facade of strength. We fear that others will see us as weak and unable to manage... and Oh, how we want to manage PERFECTLY! LOL! LOL!
So I want to give you validation on this step!! (((((Rose)))))
Thank you for sharing what occurred when you were meditating. I think that was your HOPE. I loved how you validated it, and promised to take care of it!!
Hope you have a wonderful weekend Rose... and hug those pups for me!!!
mamalioness said
Jun 22, 2019
((((((((((((((((((((((Posies))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I think life beat the ego out of me, I just try to tell it like it is and do my best....I hope these meditations will help me connect to my HS and I can raise my vibrations to where life is not just one gigantic battle to just survive and dodging bullets.....this week I worked 2x and I earned enough to pay the car insurance, but yea, I just "truthed it out" with my Wednesday client and he did NOT want to lose me , so we shall see...he is moving again to a smaller office and I hope my 2 times per mo. is not hindered....it takes time to pack up and move, so yea, it might be a "hit" for a while, but then things shoudl settle down...the Friday job is still here so I am at LEAST getting one day a week which will keep me goin......I have a small gig on Tues (quickbooks install and business set up) we are meeting at the library because I told him I do NOT let strangers in my house and he was FINE...he said "i get it, you have to be careful---how about starbucks or library????" I chose library, so we are meeting Tues, I'll confirm it with him Mon., so hopefully nothing thwarts our plans...I don't count on ANYthing till the check is in my hand
THANK You SOOOOOOO much for your kind support....I do believe that honesty is the best way, and I didn't feel like a loser, telling my Wed. guy just HOW it is with my work load or lack thereof. and he was really cool about it...I've spent the best years of my life building a repoir and good work ethic, morals, honesty AND excellence in performance, that I deserve to be able to produce a good income for me...I earned it...
I think changing my spirituality to something I cna relate to and feel makes sense, helps.....I found a place that sells good dog food, I can get 90# for $62 and its not crap..its very decent food, so that will last 40 days or so wtih the 3 girls....I'm really researching how I can save here and there, IF the worst happens...also they have a friend with deep pockets who is in used car business and I met wtih him and he asked me when he acquires this small lot would I want to be the bookkeeper, so if THAT comes through i would be in better shape.....again....we shall see....
I don't know if I can change my hardship ladened life, but if I can change me, my responses to it, my not giving it resistance, but just taking care of me, doing my best, and letting my inner voice guide me on the rest, MAYBE i can draw better karma.....I have to try...I'm not quite ready to give up yet!!!! Tho, to be brutally honest, i am getting very very tired
thank you for being here (((((PosiesnPuppies)))) LOVE THAT NAME....it fits you to a tee.....thanks for sharing recovery with me.................
Hello everyone!!!
Its been a while, but I've just been a mess lately (not al-anon stuff so been talking with my sponsor/friends, etc)
my biggest client on Friday mornings, where i've worked for over 10 years now and who pays me as much as my SS check is in a month is floundering
we are only weeks away from closing our doors and I have NO replacement lined up and won't be able to suport me if I don't find immediate replacement, so lots of crying, anger, rage at this latest "blessing" and working through all the fear and grieving , trying to cling to my program and my support system, in recovery and my close loved ones
I'm doing all I can to advertise me as cheaply as I can , taking care of things WHILE I AM STILL WORKING so when it does happen, I'll have the car up to date, the storms, one after another, took out my garage door, so I had to replace it and the guy was so nice to GIVE me a garage door opener because mine was fried
So yea, working my budget which is a joke, but just seeing where I can cut this and change that because with just SS, NOTHING can break down or go wrong and how likely is THAT gonna happen?? So i am just , while I am working out ways to get my "name out there" bracing myself for this..changing what I buy at the grocery to keep within the budget..Found a good feed store where I can save on dog food and its a good product...I had to replace my Iphone because mine kept crashing so I worked a deal with spectrum and with new phone (Payments are real reasonable) and my new plan with them, i pay the same I did with that rip off Verizon..
So I am doing everything i can to help myself...doing a LOT of meditating and mantras to connect with my inner higher self, slowing down and paying attention, focusing on ONE task at a time and trying to get more rest because the stress of all this is just wearing me out
They say the THREE biggest stressors are: Death of a spouse, bad divorce and JOB LOSS, losing my livlihood has me scared big time...
so the slogan ONE HOUR at a time , I use lots..When I feel the fear coming, I just keep telling me "TODAY you are OK and the bills are getting paid" and I am taking it very easy on myself, if I need to be alone and quiet, I do that...I give and do for others what I can and say "no" when I cannot...Self care is priority now
Boss man set up a pool cleaning business where his son, who quit working at our place (another long story) but anyway, I will do their books, but they are very small, new business, but HEY!!! Every little bit helps...that could be my months dog food....so trying to find stuff to be grateful for and exercising, eating clean foods...doing deep breathing and LOTS of just quietly connecting to my higher self, listening, trying to pay attention so I can act upon an idea that might help me
anyway, I hope all of you are OK and enjoying the warmer weather..We are getting one storm after another..its awful!!!! high winds, rain, electrical...one of them took out our power for over 10 hours, but my friend next door has a generator, and I plugged an extension wire into it and I was able to run the fridge, one lamp and my lap top so I could watch my movies off my usb discs...my BMF across the street brought 2 cans of beer over, one for him and one for me and we chit chatted and watched movies on my lap top as we waited out the storm...It got my mind of my job worries
So thats where I have been..BUSY , trying to shore up my 2 little clients...i'm going to, this week, IF I get to work for him, this Wednesday (he had previously said he wants me in 2x per mo- which would help me a lot) anyway, so far, he HASNT had me in becuz of the storms, or hes been sick, so i am gonna tell him IF I see him Wednesday, that if we are not going to get together on the agreed 2x per month with Fridays job sinking, I just may have to go get a PT job or if another new client pops up and I'll take it and may not be able to serve him anymore because with my GAD (he does not know my medical conditions) but with my GAD and PTSD, I can't work more then 2 1/2 days per week...I get too tired being around people and having to concentrate on the kind of work I do....so I'm going to mention to him, ARE we gonna work 2x per mo?? OR if we are not, then I'm going to just figure I am jobless and take the next good offer that comes up and he might have to do w/out me...I know he only trusts me with his stuff, but I gotta know I'm working becuz if I am not, I'm taking care of me...
Anyway, I just wanted to stop in and let those of you whom I exchange with whats been going on and that I do think about you guys and send loving energy over here, whether I'm posting or not.....
Take care/ thanks for reading me
I told my facebook list that I was cutting back on social media except to post on my bookkeeping page I have on my profile as posting and sharing media an stuff was just too tiring for me of late...ALL my energy is on my healing and my being able to support myself, so I am cutting back or out a lot of stuff that I don't need or want to spend energy on right now, and also I am distancing myself from a cousin who is more of a PIA then a blessing..
stressors, breathing/animate or not, i am cutting them loose or putting distance..Just don't have the energy to give at this point... when i'm not doing my program and advertising/job hunting, I am at the gym, working off stress OR meditating to let this go, OR sleeping to escape and recharge...
yea, there are things and people that I had to let go of or distance myself from because self care comes first...
I am so sorry that this is a stressful time for you. It sounds that you are really on top of taking care of you, though. I think the last time I was reading your shares, you weren't in communication with your BMF (his choice) and that was causing you some distress, so it is good to hear that your support/friend and you are talking again.
One foot in front of the other, my friend!
Putting an ease on your financial/work stress in my "talks with HP."
So sorry to hear things are a little touch-and-go right now.
I PMd you.
Hugs,
Temple
Blessings to you, Rose. Use your Alanon tools to help you through this stressful time....as you know.
Ho`omaika`i...blessings from Hilo also Rose and from the brother miracle who learned I could receive the miracles also that others smiled, laughed and shouted about. I have had them and continues to have them as I experience the consequences of faith and awareness that my HP just loves the heck out of me and enjoys having me happy, serene and sane.
You have this too little sister. Practice the knowing that you can and will also have the same miracles we in this family have received along this journey of healing. Thanks for the times you have reminded me of my former sponsor's question to me when I was exercising doubt and fear. "Could you be wrong"? he would ask me and there was just one time that I knee jerked toward considering answering No. When I said yes instead I could hear my HP laugh.
Practice feeling healed. ((((hugs))))
Posies, I appreciate you putting in good word to your HP.....I have a feeling she knows better than not to listen to you, LOL..Your posts reflect such growth...even who I haven't posted in a while, I do "peek in the door" Every here and there..
Temple, I owe you some puppy pics and I will deliver....Lovely pm you wrote.....you are a love.....I'm so gr8ful that you are here....Somehow I just know that my Highest Self wants the best for me and even my poor little wounded inner child is starting to settle down and feel a tad safer...
hey El, yes, I am literally clinging onto my program , the steps, slogans, sharing and caring with other recovery mates, and being open to new ideas, honest about where I am at and how I'm feeling and I am sooo willing to experiment/explore/try anything good that works to draw to me more abundance.......and ya know??? with my metaphysical/yoga/Buddhist meditations adn chants for peace, connecting to my inner self, i DO feel better...
and Dearest Jerry, my brother from another mom, YES, as usual, you are right, HA HA...I COULD be wrong..i am READY to be wrong (re: doubts, etc) I think I am raising my vibrations, connecting to my TRUE self, not the fearful false self...I was open and honest with my other not quite as large, but big enough client and I just TOLD HIM THE TRUTH and I told him, that I wanted to keep my freelance business, but if I can't rely on him to let me work 2x per month AS AGREED upon, I'll just have to get a PT job with an accounting firm (YUCK, hate working for CPA's--done enough of that) but he told me he didn't' want anyone else touching his books, so yea, He wants me twice a month...That will help me "float" till I can replace Friday, if Friday goes under..We are fighting it, I set up a budget and if we all do our part, we CAN, at least, stay open a while longer, Realistically speaking, i think we are in our last year, anyway......I always enjoy your loving comments to us and I just LOVE the way you say your HP "loves the heck out of you" Jerry, who COULDN'T love you????
Actually I am not doing half bad, considering, yea, I have cried and I no longer deny my feelings..I allow them, embrace them so they pass through with less turbulence....I rest a bit more, say "NO" a bit more, exercise and binge on my chocolate candy on Friday, LOL, and really the big thing is connecting to my inner Higher Self...I think that is the biggy
really , it was soooo awesome, I was doing a deeeeep meditation and chanting for peace to all, and I saw a pilot light in my chest...it was little...flickering...but it was THERE....I petted my chest over my breastbone and told my little light that i was gonna give it the oxygen of love
I don't beat me up for making mistakes and no longer demand perfection....GOOD is good enough if it is my best that particular day......I think the big thing is not to dwell on the seemingly negative with my finite vision, but to realize and to reach out to my HS which really is my portal to the universal love which is of pure love, health, plenty and healthier self expression...
I am concerned...heck yes!!! I would be crazy and untruthful if I said "ohhhh nooooo!!! I'm not worried a bit" I am, but I have this kinda tiny Higher part of me that is saying that I'm on the right track and I AM making good karma......
Thanks to all of you for your ESH and love/support.... Grateful (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
Rose,
I know that you were "just responding," but in all seriousness, you post struck a chord with me!!! I am aware of your struggles, so I know how rough it's been... yet, what I am reading is such healthy responses to your adversity!!
I see approaching your second largest client and disclosing the truth of the situation as the ultimate of letting your EGO go...you pushed your EGO aside, accepted that this was/is your reality at the moment, and you won't appear "weak" by sharing that with your contractor. As it turned out, he is so confident in your skills, he wants no other person or firm to touch his books! FANTASTIC!!! By being straightforward with him, he now knows what he could lose if he doesn't tend to it, and he has decided that you are more than worth it!!! I completely understand that sometimes, it is very hard for us to "put down" our facade of strength. We fear that others will see us as weak and unable to manage... and Oh, how we want to manage PERFECTLY! LOL! LOL!
So I want to give you validation on this step!! (((((Rose)))))
Thank you for sharing what occurred when you were meditating. I think that was your HOPE. I loved how you validated it, and promised to take care of it!!
Hope you have a wonderful weekend Rose... and hug those pups for me!!!
THANK You SOOOOOOO much for your kind support....I do believe that honesty is the best way, and I didn't feel like a loser, telling my Wed. guy just HOW it is with my work load or lack thereof. and he was really cool about it...I've spent the best years of my life building a repoir and good work ethic, morals, honesty AND excellence in performance, that I deserve to be able to produce a good income for me...I earned it...
I think changing my spirituality to something I cna relate to and feel makes sense, helps.....I found a place that sells good dog food, I can get 90# for $62 and its not crap..its very decent food, so that will last 40 days or so wtih the 3 girls....I'm really researching how I can save here and there, IF the worst happens...also they have a friend with deep pockets who is in used car business and I met wtih him and he asked me when he acquires this small lot would I want to be the bookkeeper, so if THAT comes through i would be in better shape.....again....we shall see....
I don't know if I can change my hardship ladened life, but if I can change me, my responses to it, my not giving it resistance, but just taking care of me, doing my best, and letting my inner voice guide me on the rest, MAYBE i can draw better karma.....I have to try...I'm not quite ready to give up yet!!!! Tho, to be brutally honest, i am getting very very tired
thank you for being here (((((PosiesnPuppies)))) LOVE THAT NAME....it fits you to a tee.....thanks for sharing recovery with me.................