I have an adult child Alcoholic who I and my husband have (rescued?) off and on for many years. He is married now which brings more people into the circle of addiction and co-addiction and codependency complicated by his spouses family addiction problems and codependency. This last crisis time for me became my last ditch effort to release myself from this cycle of crisis, response, stress, anger, resentment, hopelessness, helplessness, depression anxiety...need I go on? This coupled with my own instability and history led me from looking into AA for a possible answer for my AS and finding Al Anon for myself. Truth be told at one time in my life I could have benefited from AA in my younger years but now need Al Anon to help detach with love from my son and pray he finds help through counseling which he is now seeking through the VA. As part of our conditions for helping with money we are requiring him to attend an AA meeting open or closed, we just want him to take a step. Now in reading about detachment I understand he may have to fall further before he gets up. Regardless of his decision and our requirement fulfilled or not I know that I have to seek help for myself.
In the past when one of my children would call and I was not there to answer my compulsion was to call and call and call back until I found out whether or not they were ok. Ridiculous I know, but for me always waiting for the other shoe to drop has been the pattern of my life since I had children. Consequently I have become their codependent needing their reassurance that they are ok. This is hard to admit because it is certainly a fault of mine that not only affects me, but those I connect to in my anxiety. My AAS came to be in serious trouble and we lept to the rescue bringing us back into the vortex. Today when he called, I was not there to answer, called back after seeing the missed call and no answer, so of course it had to be because something bad may be happening and I was not there for him. As I type this it seems so terrible for me and for them! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Well I did not call back until I finally got through. I left a message, and convinced myself that if it were an emergency, he would have recorded a message and if he wanted to talk to me he would call back. It took some self convincing but I withheld from my urge to rush to the rescue of a non existent problem.
I see my weakness and it is embarrassing but I give myself a pat on the back because in seeing, I can change.
canadianguy said
Jun 17, 2019
Awesome stuff, and definite progress.... baby steps are every bit as important as gigantic steps - still a great sign that you are continuing on with your recovery, and recognizing what is your part....
Absolutely worth a very well deserved pat on the back!
Hugs,
Tom
Aloha said
Jun 17, 2019
Fantastic share, Lynn. I'm glad you told us about your struggles and how you're working through them. That's what this program is all about.
I agree with Tom. It's all baby steps. YES, celebrate your win. You deserve it.
Iamhere said
Jun 17, 2019
Way to Go Lynn....and yes -- I can relate to all you write. Detaching when it's a child you gave birth too has proven to be a conscious effort, daily/often with some success and some set-backs. I am so, so grateful that my program only expects progress from me and not perfection! There are certainly pros/cons to modern technology!! Good on you - pat yourself and keep coming back!
IamLynn said
Jun 17, 2019
Thank you canadian guy. Thank you Aloha. Thank you Iamhere. Your words of encouragement mean very much to me. I'm grateful. I am not alone and reaching out to me confirmed that.
P.S. Iamhere. I saw your name after I chose mine and thought: That's a good one. I hope he/she doesn't mind I am borrowing part of it. LOL
Freetime said
Jun 17, 2019
, {{{Lynn}}}, yes, pat yourself on the back! This -- stepping back, letting go, not calling repeatedly -- is hard, especially when it is our child, but you are doing it! It helps me when I remember that they have a Higher Power, and it isn't me.
El said
Jun 17, 2019
Any time I don't react the way I used to.....when I pause and think it through....when I pray to my HP to guide me.....when I reach for my alanon tools.....it is time to pat myself on the back! My mind at times still wants to rush in and take control and make it all better. It is a relief to know that I can't and now won't do all I would like to.
When my adult A daughter divorced this year.....I was not only concerned for her to start her life in a new direction, I was also concerned for me....that I would want to go back to where I once was with her. Every negative FB post, every silence when I reached out.....it drove me insane with worry. I decided that as an adult making her own decisions, I was not going back to where I was. Actually, I guess I've made enough progress in the program that I knew it wouldn't be that difficult for me anymore. Detaching has become a lot easier with practice over these past several years.
I am convinced that dealing with addiction when it is your child is much more heart breaking than a spouse. We feel responsible and want the very best for our children. However, at some point, it really is time to let go....and like I said....it takes practice! Good for you for any step in that direction.
Iamhere said
Jun 17, 2019
IamLynn wrote:
Thank you canadian guy. Thank you Aloha. Thank you Iamhere. Your words of encouragement mean very much to me. I'm grateful. I am not alone and reaching out to me confirmed that. P.S. Iamhere. I saw your name after I chose mine and thought: That's a good one. I hope he/she doesn't mind I am borrowing part of it. LOL
LOLOL - not at all. When I arrived here, I drew blanks for a username. As with most things, it just popped into my head and there it was! It's far from original - planted by a power greater than I (or so I believe).
I will admit - we have a Lyne here and I first thought that perhaps there was a name change....I had to do a double-look to realize you are you and Lyne is not you! Glad you're part of the family!
JerryF said
Jun 17, 2019
I hope this gets out there to the family cause this puter is messing with me...JUST WANTED TO SAY MY WIFE AND I WILL BE OFF ISLAND FROM THE 24TH AND FOR ME ABOUT 3 + WEEKS WHILE SHE WILL BE STAYING LONGER...THAT'S HER HOME AND NOT MINE. Why am I doing caps? I don't want this puter to shut me off again.
I will try to check in as often as I can cause I know I will miss you all. Will start off from Central Valley (Fresno) Ca. and the wander the west coast trying to let family have our time and the program family where I started with. Things will be different except for the program I work on a daily basis.
Love and Care. ((((Hugs))))
El said
Jun 18, 2019
Safe travels, Jerry! Blessings to you and your wife as you visit family.....biological and from the heart family!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 18, 2019
Of course pat yourself on the back! There is a saying here that I just love... "When you know better, you do better."
Safe travels Jerry! Enjoy our Cali hot weather!!
Bo said
Jun 18, 2019
Any progress, any change, regardless of how small or miniscule it might be...should be applauded. It should be embraced. It should be relished.
That is part of recovery!!!
It's how we get better...it's how we get healthy!!!
We tend to beat ourselves up. We tend to be our harshest critics. We tend to gravitate and focus on the negative...we must change and shift that and absolutely pat ourselves on the back!!!
Congratulations...Keep up the great work...All the best!
JerryF said
Jun 18, 2019
CG I love the wisdom of Baby Steps being just as (if not more than) important as the Giant Steps. I had to start somehow and somewhere and the baby steps were great wisdom and practice and revealed to me the difference of changing the things I could and had to. I loved the consequences of doing the "babies" and didn't think or feel I was "less than" coming from not knowing to recognizing the spirit of the "elders" which was being passed on to us with love and freely. What a Miracle in Process eh? (((hugs)))
JerryF said
Jun 18, 2019
El you are such a sister in my recovery. You will be in mind as I pray myself thru mainland traffic. LOL ((((Hugs))))
Choriste said
Jun 19, 2019
Love this - I had a small moment Saturday morning before my regular meeting and it was lovely to share with those I travel that journey with and have them celebrate with me. It feels weird, but good to give yourself those pats, but it's important. So I'll chime in and agree - good job!
JerryF said
Jun 19, 2019
Choriste here is the practice...throw your right hand over your left shoulder (or the opposite) and pat nicely...That is how I was taught. Practice, practice, practice.
I have an adult child Alcoholic who I and my husband have (rescued?) off and on for many years. He is married now which brings more people into the circle of addiction and co-addiction and codependency complicated by his spouses family addiction problems and codependency. This last crisis time for me became my last ditch effort to release myself from this cycle of crisis, response, stress, anger, resentment, hopelessness, helplessness, depression anxiety...need I go on? This coupled with my own instability and history led me from looking into AA for a possible answer for my AS and finding Al Anon for myself. Truth be told at one time in my life I could have benefited from AA in my younger years but now need Al Anon to help detach with love from my son and pray he finds help through counseling which he is now seeking through the VA. As part of our conditions for helping with money we are requiring him to attend an AA meeting open or closed, we just want him to take a step. Now in reading about detachment I understand he may have to fall further before he gets up. Regardless of his decision and our requirement fulfilled or not I know that I have to seek help for myself.
In the past when one of my children would call and I was not there to answer my compulsion was to call and call and call back until I found out whether or not they were ok. Ridiculous I know, but for me always waiting for the other shoe to drop has been the pattern of my life since I had children. Consequently I have become their codependent needing their reassurance that they are ok. This is hard to admit because it is certainly a fault of mine that not only affects me, but those I connect to in my anxiety. My AAS came to be in serious trouble and we lept to the rescue bringing us back into the vortex. Today when he called, I was not there to answer, called back after seeing the missed call and no answer, so of course it had to be because something bad may be happening and I was not there for him. As I type this it seems so terrible for me and for them! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Well I did not call back until I finally got through. I left a message, and convinced myself that if it were an emergency, he would have recorded a message and if he wanted to talk to me he would call back. It took some self convincing but I withheld from my urge to rush to the rescue of a non existent problem.
I see my weakness and it is embarrassing but I give myself a pat on the back because in seeing, I can change.
Awesome stuff, and definite progress.... baby steps are every bit as important as gigantic steps - still a great sign that you are continuing on with your recovery, and recognizing what is your part....
Absolutely worth a very well deserved pat on the back!
Hugs,
Tom
I agree with Tom. It's all baby steps. YES, celebrate your win. You deserve it.
P.S. Iamhere. I saw your name after I chose mine and thought: That's a good one. I hope he/she doesn't mind I am borrowing part of it. LOL
Any time I don't react the way I used to.....when I pause and think it through....when I pray to my HP to guide me.....when I reach for my alanon tools.....it is time to pat myself on the back! My mind at times still wants to rush in and take control and make it all better. It is a relief to know that I can't and now won't do all I would like to.
When my adult A daughter divorced this year.....I was not only concerned for her to start her life in a new direction, I was also concerned for me....that I would want to go back to where I once was with her. Every negative FB post, every silence when I reached out.....it drove me insane with worry. I decided that as an adult making her own decisions, I was not going back to where I was. Actually, I guess I've made enough progress in the program that I knew it wouldn't be that difficult for me anymore. Detaching has become a lot easier with practice over these past several years.
I am convinced that dealing with addiction when it is your child is much more heart breaking than a spouse. We feel responsible and want the very best for our children. However, at some point, it really is time to let go....and like I said....it takes practice! Good for you for any step in that direction.
LOLOL - not at all. When I arrived here, I drew blanks for a username. As with most things, it just popped into my head and there it was! It's far from original - planted by a power greater than I (or so I believe).
I will admit - we have a Lyne here and I first thought that perhaps there was a name change....I had to do a double-look to realize you are you and Lyne is not you! Glad you're part of the family!
I hope this gets out there to the family cause this puter is messing with me...JUST WANTED TO SAY MY WIFE AND I WILL BE OFF ISLAND FROM THE 24TH AND FOR ME ABOUT 3 + WEEKS WHILE SHE WILL BE STAYING LONGER...THAT'S HER HOME AND NOT MINE. Why am I doing caps? I don't want this puter to shut me off again.
I will try to check in as often as I can cause I know I will miss you all. Will start off from Central Valley (Fresno) Ca. and the wander the west coast trying to let family have our time and the program family where I started with. Things will be different except for the program I work on a daily basis.
Love and Care. ((((Hugs))))
Safe travels, Jerry! Blessings to you and your wife as you visit family.....biological and from the heart family!
Safe travels Jerry! Enjoy our Cali hot weather!!
That is part of recovery!!!
It's how we get better...it's how we get healthy!!!
We tend to beat ourselves up. We tend to be our harshest critics. We tend to gravitate and focus on the negative...we must change and shift that and absolutely pat ourselves on the back!!!
Congratulations...Keep up the great work...All the best!
CG I love the wisdom of Baby Steps being just as (if not more than) important as the Giant Steps. I had to start somehow and somewhere and the baby steps were great wisdom and practice and revealed to me the difference of changing the things I could and had to. I loved the consequences of doing the "babies" and didn't think or feel I was "less than" coming from not knowing to recognizing the spirit of the "elders" which was being passed on to us with love and freely. What a Miracle in Process eh? (((hugs)))
El you are such a sister in my recovery. You will be in mind as I pray myself thru mainland traffic. LOL ((((Hugs))))
Choriste here is the practice...throw your right hand over your left shoulder (or the opposite) and pat nicely...That is how I was taught. Practice, practice, practice.