I thought I'd share this as I'm pretty sure most here can relate.
I hope you can see it. It's pretty funny, actually.
This seems to be how my mind operates a lot of the time. Really it's my spiritual disease personified.
I'm going through this period knowing truly that everything just IS and God's got everything handled. Life is definitely okay - great, even. But my disease wants to cause trouble - probably because I'm mildly bored or something, who knows - but it's wanting to fill my God-shaped hole with other people or with "projects".
Current inside dialogue:
He's not being very talkative with his texts today. Usually he's all super happy and has a lot to say and he's only giving you brief one-liners. Something must be up. What's his problem anyway? Maybe he's mad because my schedule's so full and I keep telling him I can't talk when he wants to. I can't help that our schedules and timing aren't currently meshing. I'm trying. I need to send him more bubbly texts to let him know I appreciate him. Maybe he'll reciprocate. Maybe... maybe... maybe...
And then my other logical side goes:
It just IS, Kelly. Relax. God's got you. God's got him. Everything's going to be okay. Stop trying to control and manipulate.
I'm not in emotional trauma at all. But if I let the first half of my inward dialogue take over, then it'll snowball into something huge. I'll end up picking a fight, probably. Or get resentful. If I really let it go then basically it's the END OF THE RELATIONSHIP!!!! (queue dramatic music).
This is where step three comes in. Turn everything over to God. Relax. Move on with my day. Do the next indicated thing. Need to make lunch? Do that. Need to set up my hiking plans? Do that. Need to get groceries? Do that.
One foot in front of the other.
Let the rest of it go. One day, one moment at a time.
-- Edited by Aloha on Thursday 13th of June 2019 01:55:09 PM
El said
Jun 13, 2019
Thank you, Aloha! Great visual and I can certainly relate. I utilize a lot of self talk and dialogue with my HP to keep me in a OK spot, when I feel that monkey brain start to gear up! Great post!
Ellen
Iamhere said
Jun 13, 2019
Yes....Yes....Yes....I can relate! Still, after years in recovery and tons of practice, practice, practice - I must admit that a fear-based response can still be the first response to 'life' and 'things'....It is the 'other me' - the spiritual want-to-be miracle in progress that suggests I need to just pause that line of thinking, regroup my being with HP and trust that what is is what is, not what my mind is trying to conjure up!!!
A part of me isn't thrilled with this reality, yet the maturing, spiritual want-to-be in progress keeps reminding me I am where I should be, I am who I should be and so long as I stay humble, open and willing, growth will continue. I come from a long line of pot-stirring folk and can stir things up fast and furiously with my ego and self-will.
Thanks for the honesty, the visual and the post! Always good to know I am not unique!
el-cee said
Jun 14, 2019
Oh wow. I feel like you actually read my mind. This is me. This is so me. I think up a story based on minuscule evidence usually text based I have to say then I grow it nourish it until I believe it then I feel it predict the future then I'm lost in my own make believe planet all alone. Lol. I'm this more an snore an dim getting sick of it maybe im getting closer to surrendering this. Any ideas why we do this? I suspect fear and trust issues. Thank you for sharing this. It helps to know it's the disease within me. X
ginnyc said
Jun 14, 2019
Wow. I love reading these posts. I realize I am not alone.
Aloha said
Jun 14, 2019
So glad you all could relate.
el-cee. I really have no explanations as to "why" my head likes to stir up trouble in times like this where I have no true stress occurring in my life. I could say as I did earlier that it's my spiritual disease. Maybe it's biological and hormones? Maybe it's something I ate? Maybe it's just part of the natural cycle of being human? No one ever promised me that life was going to be a bed of roses 24/7. (Or rather it is, but some of those roses have nasty thorns!) That's probably where I have to come back to "it just is."
If you've ever read Eckhart Tolle's books, he describes this as "the pain body" - a sort of inner entity that just arises at random when it needs to feed via creating pain where there is none.
In any case, since apparently I have minimal control over it other than at least being present enough to see it trying to stir up nonsense, I can practice some acceptance and say "Oh yeah, I'm doing THAT again. Well, what are my tools since I know don't want to take this crazy train very far?"
Thanks for letting me share!
ClearTheFog said
Jul 5, 2019
I'm very thankful to see this initial post (and cartoon! Oh my!), accompanying story and others' replies. I've just spent a month going down this exact same vortex, absolutely powerless to stop it and wondering what the heck was going on. I was wondering if the poor guy was just too nice so I wanted to cause trouble, because nobody can be THAT nice? Today, my HP was able to get a message through to me that reminded me that my calm, non-dramatic guy might indeed be great, but is not my HP. Just realizing that was enough to put all the pieces back into their appropriate places in my mind. And after that I asked what I could/should do for the best, so that this doesn't happen again. At least not on such a potentially disastrous scale. I really appreciate your sentence: "Do the next indicated thing".
As others said, it's like you read my mind. I have gone through this same thought cycle and it's in fact what brought me back here because I was verging on hysterics and couldn't figure out why. I don't think it's biological at this point, but who knows.
Lyne said
Jul 6, 2019
These are all great posts that of course, I relate to. I'm getting better at self-control to avoid hitting the self-destruct button. But I did it for years and it was like instinct for me-that's just where you go, especially if things are ok by some miracle. It was my go to place and I believe it all started with my FOO. Alanon is helping me learn that I have choices when I allow myself to pause, breathe, and think, Lyne
Aloha said
Jul 11, 2019
I'm really glad I posted this as I was able to come back today and recognize a pattern going on here. It's either with my friend or with me... possibly both. But this is also reminding me once again to turn things over to God.
lookingup said
Jul 12, 2019
wow,this post is a grteat reminder to me to let go of the rope ,drop the ball,
its a almost an every day thing with me,i only responsible for myself not others,thank gosh for this ive learned in alanon to,
although alot of letting go is in my thought process im trying to let go of alot that goes on in my head..........thank you Aloha for sharing your wisdom........hugs Patty ---lu
I thought I'd share this as I'm pretty sure most here can relate.
I hope you can see it. It's pretty funny, actually.
This seems to be how my mind operates a lot of the time. Really it's my spiritual disease personified.
I'm going through this period knowing truly that everything just IS and God's got everything handled. Life is definitely okay - great, even. But my disease wants to cause trouble - probably because I'm mildly bored or something, who knows - but it's wanting to fill my God-shaped hole with other people or with "projects".
Current inside dialogue:
He's not being very talkative with his texts today. Usually he's all super happy and has a lot to say and he's only giving you brief one-liners. Something must be up. What's his problem anyway? Maybe he's mad because my schedule's so full and I keep telling him I can't talk when he wants to. I can't help that our schedules and timing aren't currently meshing. I'm trying. I need to send him more bubbly texts to let him know I appreciate him. Maybe he'll reciprocate. Maybe... maybe... maybe...
And then my other logical side goes:
It just IS, Kelly. Relax. God's got you. God's got him. Everything's going to be okay. Stop trying to control and manipulate.
I'm not in emotional trauma at all. But if I let the first half of my inward dialogue take over, then it'll snowball into something huge. I'll end up picking a fight, probably. Or get resentful. If I really let it go then basically it's the END OF THE RELATIONSHIP!!!! (queue dramatic music).
This is where step three comes in. Turn everything over to God. Relax. Move on with my day. Do the next indicated thing. Need to make lunch? Do that. Need to set up my hiking plans? Do that. Need to get groceries? Do that.
One foot in front of the other.
Let the rest of it go. One day, one moment at a time.
-- Edited by Aloha on Thursday 13th of June 2019 01:55:09 PM
Thank you, Aloha! Great visual and I can certainly relate. I utilize a lot of self talk and dialogue with my HP to keep me in a OK spot, when I feel that monkey brain start to gear up! Great post!
Ellen
A part of me isn't thrilled with this reality, yet the maturing, spiritual want-to-be in progress keeps reminding me I am where I should be, I am who I should be and so long as I stay humble, open and willing, growth will continue. I come from a long line of pot-stirring folk and can stir things up fast and furiously with my ego and self-will.
Thanks for the honesty, the visual and the post! Always good to know I am not unique!
el-cee. I really have no explanations as to "why" my head likes to stir up trouble in times like this where I have no true stress occurring in my life. I could say as I did earlier that it's my spiritual disease. Maybe it's biological and hormones? Maybe it's something I ate? Maybe it's just part of the natural cycle of being human? No one ever promised me that life was going to be a bed of roses 24/7. (Or rather it is, but some of those roses have nasty thorns!) That's probably where I have to come back to "it just is."
If you've ever read Eckhart Tolle's books, he describes this as "the pain body" - a sort of inner entity that just arises at random when it needs to feed via creating pain where there is none.
In any case, since apparently I have minimal control over it other than at least being present enough to see it trying to stir up nonsense, I can practice some acceptance and say "Oh yeah, I'm doing THAT again. Well, what are my tools since I know don't want to take this crazy train very far?"
Thanks for letting me share!
As others said, it's like you read my mind. I have gone through this same thought cycle and it's in fact what brought me back here because I was verging on hysterics and couldn't figure out why. I don't think it's biological at this point, but who knows.
its a almost an every day thing with me,i only responsible for myself not others,thank gosh for this ive learned in alanon to,
although alot of letting go is in my thought process im trying to let go of alot that goes on in my head..........thank you Aloha for sharing your wisdom........hugs Patty ---lu