I have had a great sponsor, who understands a lot of what's going on in my life, and often has great insights. But over the past six months, she has been becoming less and less available - she has a lot of things going on in her life right now with her job and her family. It has now been more than a month since I have seen her at a meeting or since she has answered any of my texts. I'd be worried that something happened to her, but this isn't the first time she's been hard to find, so I'm pretty sure she's just overwhelmed by her own life again right now.
I am trying to decide whether or not I should talk to her about this (once I can get ahold of her) and if so what I should say. I don't want to sound demanding or be criticizing her when she's already overwhelmed, but I do feel like I need more contact/involvement with a sponsor right now.
I am also trying to decide whether or not I should change sponsors. On the one hand, she's amazing to work with when she's available. On the other hand, there are a lot of times when she's not available. I'm also worried about "kicking her when she's down"... I don't want her to feel like I've rejected her as a sponsor.
There are two other people in my home group who I could think of asking to be my sponsor, M and T. T is the person who comes to mind when I ask myself who "has what I want" in terms of what the program has done in her life. But T scares me a little because she has a loud laugh and sometimes the anxious part of me wonders if she doesn't like me and is making fun of me (the rational part of me knows that T is not a person who would do that). M is a friendly and calming person who I think it would be easy to talk to and who has a deep and insightful understanding of the program, but whose shares I don't connect to quite as much as T's. They're both long-time members, and close friends with each-other.
I can't figure out what to do with any of this situation... anybody got any advice or ESH?
(Quick note for any newcomers not familiar with the acronym: ESH = Experience, Strength, and Hope. Sometimes the help given in the program isn't direct advice, but comes from learning from others sharing their own experience, strength, and hope. In this case, I'm asking for either advice or ESH, whatever people have to share!)
-- Edited by atheos on Thursday 23rd of May 2019 05:44:15 PM
Freetime said
May 23, 2019
Hi Atheos, these are my thoughts as a relatively new sponsor. I believe you should be able to change sponsors any time for any reason. I know it seems a bit daunting, but I would just ask whoever you feel most comfortable with, and if that person says they are not available, ask the next one. The next time you see or contact your first sponsor, express gratitude for the help she has given you, that you know she has a lot on her plate right now, and that you've started working with another sponsor for now. I would hope that your first sponsor knows not to take this personally -- after all, that's a key point of the program -- and that she would be glad you have found support.
JerryF said
May 23, 2019
I agree with Freetime from my experiences. I was told it was my program and my recovery I was responsible for and the consequences would show me how well I was doing. I have used the fellowship as a sponsor using the rooms and the feedback from the fellowship.
Do what is best for you. (((Hugs)))
Iamhere said
May 24, 2019
I also agree with Freetime and Jerry. Healthy people do take good care of themselves, and moving forward is always way better than not. We talk often around here that in recovery, you are either moving forward or going backwards - there is no standing still.
Put you first and do what works for your recovery and journey!
Aloha said
May 24, 2019
My sponsor and I have an agreement with each other that if for any reason things aren't working out for either one of us, we have the right to change the nature of our relationship.
I think this sounds like a great opportunity to practice what you've learned in the program and express your needs. Either that's in the form of allowing your sponsor to choose to be more available, or in the form of just letting her know you're going to start working with someone else who is.
I've had to do that myself with a sponsee whose needs were going far beyond my scope of ability and availability. I was there for her to the best of my ability, but eventually she felt she needed more and expressed that to me, and I was perfectly okay with that and was happy for her that she felt she found someone who could provide the support she needed.
As for picking your new sponsor - I've always been encouraged to pray on decisions I'm struggling with. Remember HP is there for you.
And remember, too, that your current sponsor's HP is taking care of her, too. Your fear that you may be kicking her when she's down goes allllll they way back to step one. Remember. We are powerless. You don't have that kind of control over her.
Have a beautiful day!
SerenityRUS said
May 24, 2019
My sponsor and I had the same agreement that Aloha has with hers. I think that it is best .. whatever is or isn't going on in my sponsors life honestly isn't my business unless they choose to share .. I ask if everything is ok .. it's not on me to JADE whatever reasons I want to change that relationship sometimes people just get busy.
Her and I had multiple discussions about the importance of her attending meetings and me as well .. I don't want to have someone who is not actively working their program because everyone leaks .. it's not different than a recovering alcoholic who stops going to meetings and then wonders why they slipped. My slippage is just as destructive in different ways when I stop looking at me and focus outward.
So if you have other people who would sponsor you .. go for it .. sometimes these things just die out a natural death. My sponsor was def my friend too. So regardless of our Alanon relationship I made trips to see her and phone calls to ask her how she was as she was going on a different journey. I'm going to tell you she never stopped living Alanon and always attended meetings. Sometimes wonderful people brought the meeting TO her.
Big hugs,
S :)
Maresie889 said
May 24, 2019
I found a lot of solace in the sponsorship relationship. Some people have the same sponsor for years
For me early in the program I was way out of my depth.
I still need the program decades later. I value the wisdom of my sponsors and their generosity every.day.
Maresie
atheos said
May 26, 2019
I finally got the chance to talk to my sponsor today. I have decided to keep working with her. She is an amazing sponsor and our conversation today reminded me why I like working with her so much.
I need to express my needs more clearly - a text message that says "Hi! How are you?" (hoping in my head to start a conversation that leads to asking for help) might get ignored when she is busy, but when I sent one that said "I need to talk to you" she responded almost immediately.
Asking for what I need instead of waiting and hoping someone will read my mind... sounds like an Al-Anon skill to me!
Freetime said
May 27, 2019
Atheos, what a great outcome! "Asking for what I need" is also something I have had to learn during my recovery, because I also thought people could or should be able to read my mind. I thought it was inappropriate to make a request of anyone because I did not deserve to have someone else make an effort on my behalf. What a relief it is to know it is OK to say what I mean.
Thank you for sharing!
Iamhere said
May 27, 2019
Ditto Freetime - what a great outcome! We (affected by the disease) sometimes struggle to ask for help and/or to ask for what we need! Great on you for stating clearly what you needed and so glad that it's all worked out as it is supposed to! Keep doing you - looks awesome!!
Aloha said
May 28, 2019
That's great, atheos! Thanks for sharing how the program works for you - even within the program!
I have had a great sponsor, who understands a lot of what's going on in my life, and often has great insights. But over the past six months, she has been becoming less and less available - she has a lot of things going on in her life right now with her job and her family. It has now been more than a month since I have seen her at a meeting or since she has answered any of my texts. I'd be worried that something happened to her, but this isn't the first time she's been hard to find, so I'm pretty sure she's just overwhelmed by her own life again right now.
I am trying to decide whether or not I should talk to her about this (once I can get ahold of her) and if so what I should say. I don't want to sound demanding or be criticizing her when she's already overwhelmed, but I do feel like I need more contact/involvement with a sponsor right now.
I am also trying to decide whether or not I should change sponsors. On the one hand, she's amazing to work with when she's available. On the other hand, there are a lot of times when she's not available. I'm also worried about "kicking her when she's down"... I don't want her to feel like I've rejected her as a sponsor.
There are two other people in my home group who I could think of asking to be my sponsor, M and T. T is the person who comes to mind when I ask myself who "has what I want" in terms of what the program has done in her life. But T scares me a little because she has a loud laugh and sometimes the anxious part of me wonders if she doesn't like me and is making fun of me (the rational part of me knows that T is not a person who would do that). M is a friendly and calming person who I think it would be easy to talk to and who has a deep and insightful understanding of the program, but whose shares I don't connect to quite as much as T's. They're both long-time members, and close friends with each-other.
I can't figure out what to do with any of this situation... anybody got any advice or ESH?
(Quick note for any newcomers not familiar with the acronym: ESH = Experience, Strength, and Hope. Sometimes the help given in the program isn't direct advice, but comes from learning from others sharing their own experience, strength, and hope. In this case, I'm asking for either advice or ESH, whatever people have to share!)
-- Edited by atheos on Thursday 23rd of May 2019 05:44:15 PM
I agree with Freetime from my experiences. I was told it was my program and my recovery I was responsible for and the consequences would show me how well I was doing. I have used the fellowship as a sponsor using the rooms and the feedback from the fellowship.
Do what is best for you. (((Hugs)))
Put you first and do what works for your recovery and journey!
I think this sounds like a great opportunity to practice what you've learned in the program and express your needs. Either that's in the form of allowing your sponsor to choose to be more available, or in the form of just letting her know you're going to start working with someone else who is.
I've had to do that myself with a sponsee whose needs were going far beyond my scope of ability and availability. I was there for her to the best of my ability, but eventually she felt she needed more and expressed that to me, and I was perfectly okay with that and was happy for her that she felt she found someone who could provide the support she needed.
As for picking your new sponsor - I've always been encouraged to pray on decisions I'm struggling with. Remember HP is there for you.
And remember, too, that your current sponsor's HP is taking care of her, too. Your fear that you may be kicking her when she's down goes allllll they way back to step one. Remember. We are powerless. You don't have that kind of control over her.
Have a beautiful day!
Her and I had multiple discussions about the importance of her attending meetings and me as well .. I don't want to have someone who is not actively working their program because everyone leaks .. it's not different than a recovering alcoholic who stops going to meetings and then wonders why they slipped. My slippage is just as destructive in different ways when I stop looking at me and focus outward.
So if you have other people who would sponsor you .. go for it .. sometimes these things just die out a natural death. My sponsor was def my friend too. So regardless of our Alanon relationship I made trips to see her and phone calls to ask her how she was as she was going on a different journey. I'm going to tell you she never stopped living Alanon and always attended meetings. Sometimes wonderful people brought the meeting TO her.
Big hugs,
S :)
I need to express my needs more clearly - a text message that says "Hi! How are you?" (hoping in my head to start a conversation that leads to asking for help) might get ignored when she is busy, but when I sent one that said "I need to talk to you" she responded almost immediately.
Asking for what I need instead of waiting and hoping someone will read my mind... sounds like an Al-Anon skill to me!
Thank you for sharing!