Why do I have to fix everything? I hate in desire to fix which just eats me up inside until I have solve the problem. I know its from being in a chaos environment but I really need to tone it down and be ok.
Its like if I cant fix it then I feel terrible. It too much responsibility to behave this way.
How do I go about feeling ok while everything is falling apart around me? What do I focus on? What do you tell yourself to not to get attach to fixing everything. This is giving me anxiety...
DavidG said
May 19, 2019
Hi y'all Riley...
I grew up in chaos and muddle. So my instinct to fix, fix, fix, is really strong. Trying to fix other people too... ... step one is just putting my hand up and saying "me too". I think it is about as easy as that! ... -D.
Iamhere said
May 19, 2019
Hey Riley - I agree with David - it begins with Step One and truly admitting, accepting and embracing that we are powerless. I had to also come to believe that I am an imperfect person without super powers to influence, change, fix, manage, etc. others. For me, the need to fix was a small part of what drove me to recovery - my need to control. I believed that if I could just ..........................................................., then I would be ....................................... and all would be well.
Embracing recovery allowed me to surrender and let go of what's not mine to manage. I also do believe that there's a power greater than I who has a master plan for all and I am not important to know what that is or what it may include. It was the obsession to fix and/or control others that created the insanity for me in my mind, and truly extended well beyond the Alcoholic(s).
I have become a better, calmer, kinder version of me by embracing all of recovery that I can. Keep coming back and keep practicing what's suggested in Al-Anon. It's a hard habit to break, and there's no fast-tracking or perfect path. You are not alone!
Lyne said
May 19, 2019
Hello Riley 3-I tried to fix my alcoholic spouse for about 20 years. All it did was make me sick. And then i tried to fix the people my A hurt, and they all got mad at me. What I have learned in alanon is to fix myself, and Ive been working on that for several years. I am learning to accept others as they are, and mind my own business and fix myself. As IAH said in the above share, i too have become a much better person, happier and healthier, no matter what the people around me are doing. It isnt easy, but making this program a priority for me has paid off a hundred times over! Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
May 19, 2019
(((Riley)))
When I realized and accepted that my desire to "fix" was based on my desire for Control - that it comes from the EGO - that is when things began to fall into place for me, and I began to understand "how" to work my program. With all honesty, I never truly believed that my behaviors were about my need to Control. I didn't see myself as a "controlling person." I have since found out that the desire for control stems from FEAR. When my fear gauge is on high alert, then my need to Control also ramps up. Today, it's all about how to handle the fear, and knowing what to do when I feel the need to control the situation. Progress not perfection to be sure!
Wishing you peace, this Sunday!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Sunday 19th of May 2019 11:22:35 AM
JerryF said
May 19, 2019
I came to understand that in me and others is a natural desire to be helpful and look for the happiness in and for others. A lot of my understanding came from self inventory and the understanding "why do I feel this way, what do I want, How would I like life to be for me and then others"? I wanted others what I wanted for myself and wanted to shout "COME ON YOU GUYS LETS HAVE FUN!!" I didn't know that alcohol creates from it's inception the exact opposite of those thoughts and feelings because it poisons the mind, emotions, behaviors and such.
That is why I am and was powerless, the normal of me wasn't and isn't the normal of the disease. In early Al-Anon I heard and learned, "....it affects everything it comes into contact with." and I came to understand my powerlessness. I couldn't out think it or control how it works and what it does so I took as gold what my then sponsor shouted and then quietly said to me...."STOP!!!" and I did; yes at first with tears in my eyes and heart and spirit and then stopped.
A power greater than Jerry F became reasonable and rational. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Aloha said
May 20, 2019
Working the steps with a sponsor will help you get to this point. Will the desire to fix go away entirely? Probably not. But you'll start finding yourself wanting to jump into the fray less frequently.
I found for me that my base motives for wanting to fix others was fear and selfishness. I was scared things wouldn't turn out okay - I wanted to feel better. So I wanted others to change so I could finally feel OK.
It was through working the steps - most especially the first three - that I started to learn to let go and start trusting my HP to fix things instead of me.
Hi y'all Riley...
I grew up in chaos and muddle. So my instinct to fix, fix, fix, is really strong. Trying to fix other people too...
... step one is just putting my hand up and saying "me too". I think it is about as easy as that! 
... -D.
Embracing recovery allowed me to surrender and let go of what's not mine to manage. I also do believe that there's a power greater than I who has a master plan for all and I am not important to know what that is or what it may include. It was the obsession to fix and/or control others that created the insanity for me in my mind, and truly extended well beyond the Alcoholic(s).
I have become a better, calmer, kinder version of me by embracing all of recovery that I can. Keep coming back and keep practicing what's suggested in Al-Anon. It's a hard habit to break, and there's no fast-tracking or perfect path. You are not alone!
(((Riley)))
When I realized and accepted that my desire to "fix" was based on my desire for Control - that it comes from the EGO - that is when things began to fall into place for me, and I began to understand "how" to work my program.
With all honesty, I never truly believed that my behaviors were about my need to Control. I didn't see myself as a "controlling person." I have since found out that the desire for control stems from FEAR. When my fear gauge is on high alert, then my need to Control also ramps up. Today, it's all about how to handle the fear, and knowing what to do when I feel the need to control the situation.
Progress not perfection to be sure!
Wishing you peace, this Sunday!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Sunday 19th of May 2019 11:22:35 AM
I came to understand that in me and others is a natural desire to be helpful and look for the happiness in and for others. A lot of my understanding came from self inventory and the understanding "why do I feel this way, what do I want, How would I like life to be for me and then others"? I wanted others what I wanted for myself and wanted to shout "COME ON YOU GUYS LETS HAVE FUN!!" I didn't know that alcohol creates from it's inception the exact opposite of those thoughts and feelings because it poisons the mind, emotions, behaviors and such.
That is why I am and was powerless, the normal of me wasn't and isn't the normal of the disease. In early Al-Anon I heard and learned, "....it affects everything it comes into contact with." and I came to understand my powerlessness. I couldn't out think it or control how it works and what it does so I took as gold what my then sponsor shouted and then quietly said to me...."STOP!!!" and I did; yes at first with tears in my eyes and heart and spirit and then stopped.
A power greater than Jerry F became reasonable and rational. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I found for me that my base motives for wanting to fix others was fear and selfishness. I was scared things wouldn't turn out okay - I wanted to feel better. So I wanted others to change so I could finally feel OK.
It was through working the steps - most especially the first three - that I started to learn to let go and start trusting my HP to fix things instead of me.