So I laugh, because my parents are like raising children which I equate to herding squirrels .. you get the group going in the same direction and look away and someone is hanging from a telephone wire 50ft in the air. What started with my dad and his inability to hear no has now morphed to my mother and her inability to accept that I am not her.
I have decided I have had enough of the crazy. Mother's Day is a super difficult holiday for me because Hallmark doesn't make a card for my situation. Now .. the card company a girlfriend and I are talking about Dysfunction Junction - The cards for EVERY situation .. that has promise to have something that would work. LOL .. I'm only partially kidding and it's been great therapy lately because we have laughed a LOT about some of the crazy going on.
I cancelled Mother's Day at my house because of the anxiety I was already feeling, my children are amazing by the way and I explained to them my thoughts and what has transpired for me on every Mother's Day. They witnessed the insanity from my side of the conversation and both of them were just stunned. I told them if they want to pick any day out of the year or the month of May we could do something .. if they want to continue to celebrate mother's day on the day of .. I am ok with that .. it's not a requirement or measure of their love for me if they call on that day or not. I would rather have weekly phone calls and texts throughout the year vs one day being THE day. It creates unrealistic expectations on all sides. I should feel this way or that way .. and you know what .. the other thing I discovered .. I am a complex person .. not because I am a bad person .. however I am complex just because I am a human being with my own thoughts, perceptions and so on .. it doesn't make me less than because I am those things. I am all of those things because of what I have experienced in my lifetime. Unfortunately, I was trying to be nice and sent a nice gift .. I really didn't have much expectation except it never dawned on me that it would be met with such animosity. The negativity that ensued was quiet mind blowing. I mean to the point 2 hours of an exhausting mother's day phone conversation I went to bed crying and emotionally exhausted as well as extremely angry. I discovered a few things about myself this past weekend ... first off I really don't care for mother's day in general I don't think anyone should need the reminder to honor their mother .. I also don't think that everyone who is a mother should be a mother. Now I think it's a HUGE blessing for those who have good relationships with their parents and that's amazing. I am envious of those folks because it's just not meant for my lifetime. I use anger as a defense. Had I not used anger as a child I wouldn't have survived the insanity that I grew up with .. and it was insane. The narcissist atmosphere was stifling. The fact I am suppose to be an extension of my mother is even more stifling. The toxic hyper critical atmosphere. It just started again on Sunday and then all of these memories I have honestly not thought about for years came flooding back in and I thought how dare you .. I didn't DO anything wrong. I did something nice. I can't control the fact she didn't like it .. I certainly didn't deserve what happened. I suggested if it was that bad to send it back .. please it was a lot of money and I even offered to pay for the extras and everything as if she can't afford it. Of course she was shocked my response turned to anger really more like rage .. I scared myself actually. She just doesn't shut the f up ever. Umm .. usually that's what happens with situations like that. I am no longer a helpless child trapped by her whims and I no longer am required to listen to it. It really came back to if I saw or heard someone behaving like that on the street would I allow them to approach me in that manner and the answer is no .. I wouldn't.
I have had enough. I have had enough trying and I'm tired, I lack the motivation to continue. This is with both of my parents at this point .. there's crazy and then there is CRAZY. I don't need to participate and I'm ok with that completely and totally. There so much mental illness going on for her and I also realized something else this weekend even as a child I recognized the atmosphere I was in wasn't a new norm or a normal on any level. Thankfully one of my very best friends witnessed a lot of what I went through as a kid and reminded me all of the times I said .. that's not normal .. this behavior isn't ok .. and you have to realize I started therapy at 9 years old so this was my vocabulary from a young age. For my mom I was the problem, every time the therapist suggested otherwise .. what do you know I was shuffled to another therapist who would then be told I was the problem and we did this multiple times until I was 14 at that point I stopped going because I stopped talking. I started again when I was 19 and what do you know we were going to family counseling I was the problem and the therapist berated my mother based upon my s dad's behavior and the fact my mother did nothing and knew. She totally knew what was going on. She didn't go back again and has refused family therapy since.
There were no boundaries in my house .. there was no mutual respect .. it REALLY became clear this weekend I was a bought baby. My parents would have never ever ever been allowed to adopt based upon outline rules even in the 60s it's why they had to go through a skank (I found out later how much he lied to everyone involved to make this adoption go through) attorney in order to adopt me out.
I have had enough .. I have drawn a hard boundary and at this point it's not about acceptance as much as it is about personal survival and letting go of what doesn't work in my life and this isn't working today. I need better tools to handle the onslaught of abuse that happens because I am not an extension of someone else. I don't know what these people want from me based upon the fact I lack the tools to give whatever it is they want and I'm not interested in giving even if I knew what it was .. whatever it is .. LOL .. I'm just befuzzled over the situation. They are old and want something and yet that's not how I was raised and even one of my mom's closet friends pointed out to her .. that's not how you raised her and now you are expecting she do this? How did you model this for her on any level? My mother never liked that .. lol.
Anyway, I'm sorry to ramble .. other than dealing with the parental unit my weekend was lovely .. this week has been emotionally exhausting and I have spent a lot of time crying which has been more healing than anything else. I have had some very intense conversations with my oldest and we crossed a different bridge of understanding I think at least .. he was so upset for me over what happened and for whatever reason my mother doesn't go after him the way she does my youngest and I. We talked about that and laughed.
Big hugs it's another weekend and I plan on making the most of it. :)
PosiesandPuppies said
May 17, 2019
Well, just sending you HUGE amounts of hugs (((((((((((((((((((((((Serenity))))))))))))))))))))))))
It sounds like you need them!
But I also read a lot of you taking care of what YOU need. That is good.
Keep up the good work... you are modeling healthy ways of dealing with the tough stuff Life throws at you!
Thanks for the update!
Aloha said
May 17, 2019
Mother's Day triggers me quite a bit, too. I sometimes feel like it should be called "Extreme Guilt Day", and yes, there are not accurate cards out there to relate the correct sentiments for this yearly occasion. If you want someone to help you with card design, I'm game!
The fortunate thing for me is that my mother doesn't bestow that guilt on me. It's all self-inflicted! This goes back to hearing her tell me over and over that she wishes we were closer. Since I was very young I was told this, so I've always been left feeling like I'm this awful child who withholds love from her. The crazy part of it is that I feel like it's turned into self-fulfilling prophecy now. I have a special wall built up where she's concerned. And it's a wall I've been looking at with a lot of confusion since I started working my program in Al-Anon 11 years ago. It's like... "how did that get there?". The frustrating thing is I feel like I'm pretty powerless over this wall. I just DO NOT want to be vulnerable around her.
So for now I just do the best I can. I don't say cruel things to her. I give her hugs and tell her I love her. I try to be amicable. But I can't knock down that protective barrier I have where "closeness" is concerned. I just don't feel safe. And it frustrates me because logically the rest of her actions say she's a safe person.
Anyway. I'm glad you brought this up as it's helping me to maybe at least chip away a little bit at that wall... or at least come to a better understanding about why that wall is there in the first place.
For the "hope" part of my share, this just reminds me that these people in our lives are our angels. They're the people who end up guiding us in the direction of the path we really want for ourselves. We're lucky to have them, and actually they're lucky to have us, too, as we truly ARE trying!
Temple said
May 17, 2019
((((((((Serenity))))))))
Bless your heart.
I so admire your strength and courage and honesty. And your life-saving sense of humor. You had to be one sturdy and intelligent little girl, to have survived all that.
Thank you for sharing. It help others, too, you know.
My mother was my birth mother and she did love me and wished the best for me. I also remember a Christmas during her last decade when I gave her a beautiful coat she'd tried on and admired and decided she couldn't afford. She gave it back. Graciously. My daughter said, "What is this giving presents back?" I was used to it. I'd gone through retail Hell to find a magenta camisole to go under a particular sweater. This had been a Very Big Deal. And I found one. It was too expensive. At $16 and made of silk charmeuse, it actually was not. I bought it and gave it to her. Same thing. It was as if she enjoyed having me jump through hoops and after I had, the fun was over.
My friend gave me a clue. She'd observed an instance of attempted guilt-trip and manipulation when she was present during a telephone conversation Mother was having with me. And I was able to detach a lot after that. I did whatever I felt like doing, took care of her when she was ill and pretty much had no stake in outcomes.
I can't even imagine the stuff you've gone through. I do believe there are people out there who view children as accessories, as puppets, as ego fodder.
Staying strong and hangin' tough. You've got this.
Hugs,
Temple
Bo said
May 17, 2019
When is enough enough? While most people don't want to admit it or face it...that is really the question that we find at the end of the maze. We go through every twist and turn, every possibility, every scenario, we go through life with an alcoholic or addict...and we arrive at the same exact place...where we are faced with a question that most people live their life to avoid...the question of...when is enough enough.
I think many people can answer the question in their own way, their own perspective, etc. -- but many of those answers can be the same. Just a different way of saying it.
How about this one...
When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving...that is when enough is enough.
When the pain of continuing to do something is greater than the pain of not doing it any longer...that is when enough is enough.
When the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of changing...that is when enough is enough.
Great topic...and question. Thanks.
Iamhere said
May 17, 2019
((((Serenity)))) - sending you tons of positive energy and hugs...What I love about recovery, authenticity and living is keeping it simple really, really helps me. I've got a huge history with my parents that includes extreme dysfunction, the disease, being disowned, estrangement, and more. What I loved about reaching adult age (17 in my state at the time) was the power to choose/decide/leave/vacate!
It's enough when you say so. There doesn't have to be a major reason or a blow-out. If it doesn't bring value, serenity or joy to my life, I don't do it! Of course, I will always go to funerals, and other events where I am expected - I can set aside my pride, ego, resentments, whatever and be of service to those I value, respect or love. But family - we never got to select, pick or decide. Recovery has allowed me to participate when I want, to the extent I want, or to decline kindly and respectfully.
I have a large family and we've got a host of mental health issues + the disease which brought us all to MIP. We've had some 'life events' where we've all had to come together over the years. I used to dread it, whine about it and there have been some extremely challenging times/fights...What I know now is that I can show up, I can add value if necessary, I can sit in the middle of the chaos/crisis if needed, and not engage as I know how to detach and keep me safe in spite of what anyone else is doing/saying. If I don't feel able, I don't go or I change up when I go.
I am so very sorry that you've had a life of chaos/crazy with your parents. Nobody deserves that and you have every right to set your boundaries up as needed for your own health, sanity and safety. Nobody that I know that is reasonably healthy would want to deal with 'that' and you can say Enough is Enough whenever you want. Love, love, love the empathy your oldest has for you! Great kid - a keeper!!!
I haven't been able to find an adequate mother's day card since I left home @ 17. I just don't bother to try/buy one. I do call each holiday, birthday, mother's day and every Sunday. I have forgiven myself and my parents for all of our past events/issues as that's what I felt I needed to do to grow spiritually. It's just what has worked for me and has nothing to do with them. I host them when they come to town and I visit them when I can/are needed. I am able, as a healthy adult, to shut down discussions that I don't want to have with them, and I am always gentle, loving and kind. They are not cruel or bad people, they are just affected by this same disease without recovery. I do not rely on my parents for emotional support or understanding or approval. I learned in recovery that while others had loving, caring, close families, that's not what I have and if I just have no expectations, I can accept them as they are and even love them from afar!
Do you - do what you need to do to have peace in your mind and joy in your heart. I am reminded through the death of another in recovery that this is no dress rehearsal - we only get one life and we do deserve to be happy, joyous and free. (((Hugs)))
JerryF said
May 18, 2019
I arrived at the answer to this question after listening to the fellowship and their experiences compared with mine and inventorying the morality of what I was going thru and the alcoholic/addicts expectations of how and what she wanted to happen in our life. The problems going on over and over and the consequences getting worse and worse. When I discovered that insanity was becoming more prevalent as a way to our thinking and behaving and the solutions I would come up with ...enough was enough and I quit completely along with the guidance of my sponsors and home group.
Did I lover her? Yes. Did I need her and the trouble that came with her? No. Enough. I detached from her life and outcome and took up the responsibility for mine.
As I know from this program...It works when I work it. I still do and I haven't yet enough. ((((hugs))))
el-cee said
May 18, 2019
I was listening to an aa speaker talk about his journey through the steps and his amends to himself was really interesting. He brought up his childhood memories that had scarred him and he took them one by one and went to various locations where they took place he talked to the little inner child and soothed himself. He gave himself the parenting the love and care that he needed back then. He imagined himself as the loving parent and did what should have been done had his parents had it to give. I dont know if this sounds at all useful to you but reading your post reminded me of that man. I wish you peace serenity x
JerryF said
May 18, 2019
The consequence of a
searching
fearless
and moral inventory I guess.
Mahalo for the picture. (((hugs)))
Riley3 said
May 19, 2019
It is so great to let go and say how you feel. Writing everything down I find I can solve my problem and feel better about myself.
I can relate to a CRAZy family especially my mom. My mom is gone and I finally can live my life after tons of therapy. I had years where I just had to disconnect. I cant gight against mental illness and abuse. I did learn she did the best she could and I have forgiven her. The best thing was acceptance which I guess is step one. I cant control only myself but I can stand up for myself and protect myself.
I am sorry that you are going through this which sounds very hard. You sound empowered and strong to set boundaries and put yourself in a safe environment.
No matter what ...the lingering affect of being around unhealthy people ...just soaks into my whole system. I have to do so much work to feel better after crossing my crazy people lifes.
Being here is a piece of safety, I have people who understand and go not judge.
Mothers Day is what I want to do with it. And its ok to feel this way.
Riley3 said
May 19, 2019
All I can do is to be a great mom to my kids. This I can control.
I know what is like to have a crazy mom and That i was never good enough for her. All the abuse is over. I have gained my freedom. Alanon gave me so much wisdom that I never learned from my mom. I also had to relearn how to manage life and to get rid of bad habits. I know I am good enough which I tell myself over and over.
It is so sad to hear the stories about parenting. Kids need so much and deserved to be loved in a safe environment.
There should be a Hallmark day for kids.
JerryF said
May 19, 2019
Right on Riley...that reminds me of "self parenting" which I learned how to do in program taught by some pretty awesome members. (((hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
May 22, 2019
After a much needed time out from my mom I have decided that today enough really is enough and I'm ok with that. I still haven't read the emails and I may delete them. She sent a check for the watch I reordered for my oldest and I literally sent a subject line email and that was it. I haven't heard from her at this point.
I think the craziest part of this and what I keep going over is all I did was try to do something nice for my mom for mother's day. I am not always able to do so and def not in the past many years it wasn't just the financial it was literally the anxiety of knowing when I made the call regardless of what I did the verbal beating was coming. She dangles the legacy she's leaving me as a carrot .. based upon what I know of her spending habits I doubt there will be anything left. She's not good financially. At this point I expect nothing from her I hope she includes the kids .. lol. That's ok I don't want her money with that kind of price attached .. my sanity.
I am working on self parenting, it's very difficult to do when there's really not a model to work with, .. I had to laugh because I have a difficult time talking nice to myself. I talk nice to my kids. This past year I have learned a LOT about parenting and parenting curves .. lol. That has changed my perceptions about my parenting and I have slowed down a lot when talking to the kids. So lots of grown up stuff at this point.
I caught myself today in speaking to my sig other and he started laminating about something that my youngest is doing and he wanted to do as a teenager. That I stopped myself from shutting him down and just listened, I did grind my teeth a min, however I really thought about what's the big deal he's just sharing a past dream. So I did suggest that we could do two lessons one for him and one for my youngest and what do you know .. he came up with every reason he couldn't now. Honestly if he wanted to do this he totally could. He wants to talk about what he can't do not that if he wanted to he could. There's A LOT now he can't say he doesn't do now .. LOL.
Anyway, still a work in progress and still moving forward.
S :)
JerryF said
May 22, 2019
Perfect ending line as after I read your post. You go Girl!! (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
May 22, 2019
(((Serenity))) - aren't we all? I will be a work in progress imperfect person until the 'end' and probably more of the same if there's an after-life. And the best part for me - I'm great with it! I spent a ton of time trying to please others, be perfect, etc. and it was so draining, tiring, etc. I'm content today trying to just be the best version of me, one day at a time.
Keep doing you - it looks great on you! (((Hugs)))
Bo said
May 23, 2019
Since our drug, vice, problem, whatever you want to call it -- is thinking, behavior, actions, etc. -- the slip, the unhealthy behaviors, the stinking thinking, or whatever else you want to call it, can be relatively common. My friend in AA is clean and sober for 31 years. Me, in alanon, I am clean and sober for 3 days. LOL. On Monday, I had an unhealthy reaction, an almost unhealthy behavior, and it lasted 3 minutes. Am I beating myself up? Some might say yes. Doesn't matter.
In alanon, our slips are common. Many people say relapse is part of recovery. To each their own. I am not in AA and I don't discuss AA concepts, but in alanon, when they do discuss the alcoholic, very often it is said relapse is part of recovery. From an alanon about us perspective -- for me, relapse, that slip, is part of my recovery. Progress not perfection. I live a life of recovery. I am proud of it. I've been in alanon for 25 years, and where it as a badge of honor. And for me, it's OK that once in a while, I have my version of a slip. It keeps me on track. It keeps me grounded. Grinding my teeth every so often keeps me in shape, LOL. It shouldn't be that easy, LOL.
I hear you SRUS, still a work in progress -- and you are doing great!!!
PosiesandPuppies said
May 23, 2019
((((Serenity))))
It sounds like you have come to the rooms of Acceptance when it comes to your mother.
I personally, loved when you told us about how you self-consciously took a moment to Pause... and then you chose to just listen to your SO. Yes, there was some teeth grinding, but 'perfectly imperfect,' right? LOL!
Thanks for sharing your forward progress!
Bo said
May 23, 2019
Practice the pause...
All the best.
Maresie889 said
May 24, 2019
Mothers Day is still a big trigger for me. My mother has been dead almost 20 years
Admitting to the trigger us very hard. I ned to find a way to bolster myself up over that holiday. Taking care of ourselves is challenging. For me the triggers evolve and change. I still stumble but the quality of my life is much improved. One of the biggest gifts al anon.has given me is the concept of boundaries. So I have had to change from a person who put myself last to one who puts myself first.
For me thar is a huge paradigm shift. The grief over having dysfunctional parents evolved and changes. I know these days that my parents dysfunction had very little to do with me. Being parents was way beyond them and I no longer see their behavior as a reflection on me.
I am so grateful to have some recovery thanks to al.anon
Maresie
JerryF said
May 24, 2019
Thanks for that response Maresie I learned from that in early recovery though part of it was difficult because I lacked a mature understanding and acceptance of myself and others. "If you keep an open mind you will find help" was a thought force that helped me a lot and I could bring my parents into a more realistic understanding. I let go of the fear of them and the word parent and the rules from education from school and church.
I became a behavioral health therapist and later on in their lives had a "session" with them together where they we to listen only and not attempt to control the "session". When it was done I left and a few days later they both thanked me for expressing my awareness with them and that they believed it was true.
What I had come to understand as a program member and a listener in the meetings was that there was only two differences twix us all...gender and age. As human being these isn't much of a difference. I sponsored Alateen for 6 years and learned a lot from them.
Thanks for the share. ((((Hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Friday 24th of May 2019 07:29:32 PM
So I laugh, because my parents are like raising children which I equate to herding squirrels .. you get the group going in the same direction and look away and someone is hanging from a telephone wire 50ft in the air. What started with my dad and his inability to hear no has now morphed to my mother and her inability to accept that I am not her.
I have decided I have had enough of the crazy. Mother's Day is a super difficult holiday for me because Hallmark doesn't make a card for my situation. Now .. the card company a girlfriend and I are talking about Dysfunction Junction - The cards for EVERY situation .. that has promise to have something that would work. LOL .. I'm only partially kidding and it's been great therapy lately because we have laughed a LOT about some of the crazy going on.
I cancelled Mother's Day at my house because of the anxiety I was already feeling, my children are amazing by the way and I explained to them my thoughts and what has transpired for me on every Mother's Day. They witnessed the insanity from my side of the conversation and both of them were just stunned. I told them if they want to pick any day out of the year or the month of May we could do something .. if they want to continue to celebrate mother's day on the day of .. I am ok with that .. it's not a requirement or measure of their love for me if they call on that day or not. I would rather have weekly phone calls and texts throughout the year vs one day being THE day. It creates unrealistic expectations on all sides. I should feel this way or that way .. and you know what .. the other thing I discovered .. I am a complex person .. not because I am a bad person .. however I am complex just because I am a human being with my own thoughts, perceptions and so on .. it doesn't make me less than because I am those things. I am all of those things because of what I have experienced in my lifetime. Unfortunately, I was trying to be nice and sent a nice gift .. I really didn't have much expectation except it never dawned on me that it would be met with such animosity. The negativity that ensued was quiet mind blowing. I mean to the point 2 hours of an exhausting mother's day phone conversation I went to bed crying and emotionally exhausted as well as extremely angry. I discovered a few things about myself this past weekend ... first off I really don't care for mother's day in general I don't think anyone should need the reminder to honor their mother .. I also don't think that everyone who is a mother should be a mother. Now I think it's a HUGE blessing for those who have good relationships with their parents and that's amazing. I am envious of those folks because it's just not meant for my lifetime. I use anger as a defense. Had I not used anger as a child I wouldn't have survived the insanity that I grew up with .. and it was insane. The narcissist atmosphere was stifling. The fact I am suppose to be an extension of my mother is even more stifling. The toxic hyper critical atmosphere. It just started again on Sunday and then all of these memories I have honestly not thought about for years came flooding back in and I thought how dare you .. I didn't DO anything wrong. I did something nice. I can't control the fact she didn't like it .. I certainly didn't deserve what happened. I suggested if it was that bad to send it back .. please it was a lot of money and I even offered to pay for the extras and everything as if she can't afford it. Of course she was shocked my response turned to anger really more like rage .. I scared myself actually. She just doesn't shut the f up ever. Umm .. usually that's what happens with situations like that. I am no longer a helpless child trapped by her whims and I no longer am required to listen to it. It really came back to if I saw or heard someone behaving like that on the street would I allow them to approach me in that manner and the answer is no .. I wouldn't.
I have had enough. I have had enough trying and I'm tired, I lack the motivation to continue. This is with both of my parents at this point .. there's crazy and then there is CRAZY. I don't need to participate and I'm ok with that completely and totally. There so much mental illness going on for her and I also realized something else this weekend even as a child I recognized the atmosphere I was in wasn't a new norm or a normal on any level. Thankfully one of my very best friends witnessed a lot of what I went through as a kid and reminded me all of the times I said .. that's not normal .. this behavior isn't ok .. and you have to realize I started therapy at 9 years old so this was my vocabulary from a young age. For my mom I was the problem, every time the therapist suggested otherwise .. what do you know I was shuffled to another therapist who would then be told I was the problem and we did this multiple times until I was 14 at that point I stopped going because I stopped talking. I started again when I was 19 and what do you know we were going to family counseling I was the problem and the therapist berated my mother based upon my s dad's behavior and the fact my mother did nothing and knew. She totally knew what was going on. She didn't go back again and has refused family therapy since.
There were no boundaries in my house .. there was no mutual respect .. it REALLY became clear this weekend I was a bought baby. My parents would have never ever ever been allowed to adopt based upon outline rules even in the 60s it's why they had to go through a skank (I found out later how much he lied to everyone involved to make this adoption go through) attorney in order to adopt me out.
I have had enough .. I have drawn a hard boundary and at this point it's not about acceptance as much as it is about personal survival and letting go of what doesn't work in my life and this isn't working today. I need better tools to handle the onslaught of abuse that happens because I am not an extension of someone else. I don't know what these people want from me based upon the fact I lack the tools to give whatever it is they want and I'm not interested in giving even if I knew what it was .. whatever it is .. LOL .. I'm just befuzzled over the situation. They are old and want something and yet that's not how I was raised and even one of my mom's closet friends pointed out to her .. that's not how you raised her and now you are expecting she do this? How did you model this for her on any level? My mother never liked that .. lol.
Anyway, I'm sorry to ramble .. other than dealing with the parental unit my weekend was lovely .. this week has been emotionally exhausting and I have spent a lot of time crying which has been more healing than anything else. I have had some very intense conversations with my oldest and we crossed a different bridge of understanding I think at least .. he was so upset for me over what happened and for whatever reason my mother doesn't go after him the way she does my youngest and I. We talked about that and laughed.
Big hugs it's another weekend and I plan on making the most of it. :)
It sounds like you need them!
But I also read a lot of you taking care of what YOU need. That is good.
Keep up the good work... you are modeling healthy ways of dealing with the tough stuff Life throws at you!
Thanks for the update!
The fortunate thing for me is that my mother doesn't bestow that guilt on me. It's all self-inflicted! This goes back to hearing her tell me over and over that she wishes we were closer. Since I was very young I was told this, so I've always been left feeling like I'm this awful child who withholds love from her. The crazy part of it is that I feel like it's turned into self-fulfilling prophecy now. I have a special wall built up where she's concerned. And it's a wall I've been looking at with a lot of confusion since I started working my program in Al-Anon 11 years ago. It's like... "how did that get there?". The frustrating thing is I feel like I'm pretty powerless over this wall. I just DO NOT want to be vulnerable around her.
So for now I just do the best I can. I don't say cruel things to her. I give her hugs and tell her I love her. I try to be amicable. But I can't knock down that protective barrier I have where "closeness" is concerned. I just don't feel safe. And it frustrates me because logically the rest of her actions say she's a safe person.
Anyway. I'm glad you brought this up as it's helping me to maybe at least chip away a little bit at that wall... or at least come to a better understanding about why that wall is there in the first place.
For the "hope" part of my share, this just reminds me that these people in our lives are our angels. They're the people who end up guiding us in the direction of the path we really want for ourselves. We're lucky to have them, and actually they're lucky to have us, too, as we truly ARE trying!
Bless your heart.
I so admire your strength and courage and honesty. And your life-saving sense of humor. You had to be one sturdy and intelligent little girl, to have survived all that.
Thank you for sharing. It help others, too, you know.
My mother was my birth mother and she did love me and wished the best for me. I also remember a Christmas during her last decade when I gave her a beautiful coat she'd tried on and admired and decided she couldn't afford. She gave it back. Graciously. My daughter said, "What is this giving presents back?" I was used to it. I'd gone through retail Hell to find a magenta camisole to go under a particular sweater. This had been a Very Big Deal. And I found one. It was too expensive. At $16 and made of silk charmeuse, it actually was not. I bought it and gave it to her. Same thing. It was as if she enjoyed having me jump through hoops and after I had, the fun was over.
My friend gave me a clue. She'd observed an instance of attempted guilt-trip and manipulation when she was present during a telephone conversation Mother was having with me. And I was able to detach a lot after that. I did whatever I felt like doing, took care of her when she was ill and pretty much had no stake in outcomes.
I can't even imagine the stuff you've gone through. I do believe there are people out there who view children as accessories, as puppets, as ego fodder.
Staying strong and hangin' tough. You've got this.
Hugs,
Temple
I think many people can answer the question in their own way, their own perspective, etc. -- but many of those answers can be the same. Just a different way of saying it.
How about this one...
When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving...that is when enough is enough.
When the pain of continuing to do something is greater than the pain of not doing it any longer...that is when enough is enough.
When the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of changing...that is when enough is enough.
Great topic...and question. Thanks.
It's enough when you say so. There doesn't have to be a major reason or a blow-out. If it doesn't bring value, serenity or joy to my life, I don't do it! Of course, I will always go to funerals, and other events where I am expected - I can set aside my pride, ego, resentments, whatever and be of service to those I value, respect or love. But family - we never got to select, pick or decide. Recovery has allowed me to participate when I want, to the extent I want, or to decline kindly and respectfully.
I have a large family and we've got a host of mental health issues + the disease which brought us all to MIP. We've had some 'life events' where we've all had to come together over the years. I used to dread it, whine about it and there have been some extremely challenging times/fights...What I know now is that I can show up, I can add value if necessary, I can sit in the middle of the chaos/crisis if needed, and not engage as I know how to detach and keep me safe in spite of what anyone else is doing/saying. If I don't feel able, I don't go or I change up when I go.
I am so very sorry that you've had a life of chaos/crazy with your parents. Nobody deserves that and you have every right to set your boundaries up as needed for your own health, sanity and safety. Nobody that I know that is reasonably healthy would want to deal with 'that' and you can say Enough is Enough whenever you want. Love, love, love the empathy your oldest has for you! Great kid - a keeper!!!
I haven't been able to find an adequate mother's day card since I left home @ 17. I just don't bother to try/buy one. I do call each holiday, birthday, mother's day and every Sunday. I have forgiven myself and my parents for all of our past events/issues as that's what I felt I needed to do to grow spiritually. It's just what has worked for me and has nothing to do with them. I host them when they come to town and I visit them when I can/are needed. I am able, as a healthy adult, to shut down discussions that I don't want to have with them, and I am always gentle, loving and kind. They are not cruel or bad people, they are just affected by this same disease without recovery. I do not rely on my parents for emotional support or understanding or approval. I learned in recovery that while others had loving, caring, close families, that's not what I have and if I just have no expectations, I can accept them as they are and even love them from afar!
Do you - do what you need to do to have peace in your mind and joy in your heart. I am reminded through the death of another in recovery that this is no dress rehearsal - we only get one life and we do deserve to be happy, joyous and free. (((Hugs)))
I arrived at the answer to this question after listening to the fellowship and their experiences compared with mine and inventorying the morality of what I was going thru and the alcoholic/addicts expectations of how and what she wanted to happen in our life. The problems going on over and over and the consequences getting worse and worse. When I discovered that insanity was becoming more prevalent as a way to our thinking and behaving and the solutions I would come up with ...enough was enough and I quit completely along with the guidance of my sponsors and home group.
Did I lover her? Yes. Did I need her and the trouble that came with her? No. Enough. I detached from her life and outcome and took up the responsibility for mine.
As I know from this program...It works when I work it. I still do and I haven't yet enough. ((((hugs))))
The consequence of a
searching
fearless
and moral inventory I guess.
Mahalo for the picture. (((hugs)))
Right on Riley...that reminds me of "self parenting" which I learned how to do in program taught by some pretty awesome members. (((hugs)))
I think the craziest part of this and what I keep going over is all I did was try to do something nice for my mom for mother's day. I am not always able to do so and def not in the past many years it wasn't just the financial it was literally the anxiety of knowing when I made the call regardless of what I did the verbal beating was coming. She dangles the legacy she's leaving me as a carrot .. based upon what I know of her spending habits I doubt there will be anything left. She's not good financially. At this point I expect nothing from her I hope she includes the kids .. lol. That's ok I don't want her money with that kind of price attached .. my sanity.
I am working on self parenting, it's very difficult to do when there's really not a model to work with, .. I had to laugh because I have a difficult time talking nice to myself. I talk nice to my kids. This past year I have learned a LOT about parenting and parenting curves .. lol. That has changed my perceptions about my parenting and I have slowed down a lot when talking to the kids. So lots of grown up stuff at this point.
I caught myself today in speaking to my sig other and he started laminating about something that my youngest is doing and he wanted to do as a teenager. That I stopped myself from shutting him down and just listened, I did grind my teeth a min, however I really thought about what's the big deal he's just sharing a past dream. So I did suggest that we could do two lessons one for him and one for my youngest and what do you know .. he came up with every reason he couldn't now. Honestly if he wanted to do this he totally could. He wants to talk about what he can't do not that if he wanted to he could. There's A LOT now he can't say he doesn't do now .. LOL.
Anyway, still a work in progress and still moving forward.
S :)
Perfect ending line as after I read your post. You go Girl!! (((hugs)))
Keep doing you - it looks great on you! (((Hugs)))
In alanon, our slips are common. Many people say relapse is part of recovery. To each their own. I am not in AA and I don't discuss AA concepts, but in alanon, when they do discuss the alcoholic, very often it is said relapse is part of recovery. From an alanon about us perspective -- for me, relapse, that slip, is part of my recovery. Progress not perfection. I live a life of recovery. I am proud of it. I've been in alanon for 25 years, and where it as a badge of honor. And for me, it's OK that once in a while, I have my version of a slip. It keeps me on track. It keeps me grounded. Grinding my teeth every so often keeps me in shape, LOL. It shouldn't be that easy, LOL.
I hear you SRUS, still a work in progress -- and you are doing great!!!
It sounds like you have come to the rooms of Acceptance when it comes to your mother.
I personally, loved when you told us about how you self-consciously took a moment to Pause... and then you chose to just listen to your SO. Yes, there was some teeth grinding, but 'perfectly imperfect,' right? LOL!
Thanks for sharing your forward progress!
All the best.
Thanks for that response Maresie I learned from that in early recovery though part of it was difficult because I lacked a mature understanding and acceptance of myself and others. "If you keep an open mind you will find help" was a thought force that helped me a lot and I could bring my parents into a more realistic understanding. I let go of the fear of them and the word parent and the rules from education from school and church.
I became a behavioral health therapist and later on in their lives had a "session" with them together where they we to listen only and not attempt to control the "session". When it was done I left and a few days later they both thanked me for expressing my awareness with them and that they believed it was true.
What I had come to understand as a program member and a listener in the meetings was that there was only two differences twix us all...gender and age. As human being these isn't much of a difference. I sponsored Alateen for 6 years and learned a lot from them.
Thanks for the share. ((((Hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Friday 24th of May 2019 07:29:32 PM