I just had another ah moment. I was reading on line here and I see where I was wrong. An active alcoholic wants to be the center of attention despite what they say is lies and crap and makes no logical sense. The part where I was wrong is despite knowing this, I fall into the trap of listening to them and listening to their lies and crap. What I need to do is walk away. "I am sorry but I do not want to hear what you have to say right now, talk to me when your sober." I am learning I do not have to listen or believe what they have to say when they are under the influence. They will say anything, make up any lies they can.
I was just thinking about this man I was seeing and he admitted to being an active alcoholic. I learned not to believe anything that was coming out of his mouth, nothing. I knew it was all lies, lies. He sounded as if was living a healthy lifestyle,like I am going to go skiing this weekend, or I am going to go here/there. Of course those were all lies. The only guarantee was he was working and drinking, nothing in between. I had believed him before but it clicked in he was an active alcoholic, and what do they do, lie. lie. lie. I finally had enough and let him go. I said no more. I will no longer tolerate this sick man in my life. I am worth more. I deserve more. I finally set myself free.I feel better. He only wanted me around to listen to his crap and sooth his huge ego! What did I get out of it, nothing but pain. Not worth it. He may find another audience,who knows. I will not attend that show, when there is a lot of other shows playing out there. I am not limited and I have choices. I can attend a goo show that will leave me feeling empowered and loved and encouraged, not sad and ugly and used! What a revelation I had! This group is amazing!
Off the floor I pick myself up, one day at a time!
Riley3 said
May 6, 2019
I learned this too not to listen to the alcoholic. In my head, its bla bla bla. It was hard At first to not listen because I enjoy listening to people and to respect them. However, I got tired of him throwing me under the bus to make him feel good, but I would feel bad. He never told me the truth. He stretches the truth. He made his life that it was the best ever. Really? I actually thought he was telling me the truth all these years. I have been blown away with his double life. I have been shocked what I have found out. I have found one addict is usually double addictions.
I look for actions/behaviors not what is spoken. He is not what he speaks.
I am not afraid to set boundaries.
I have my own life and friends.
I am learning how to eat healthy and behave in healthy ways.
I have learned that I need to detach from my Ah because all of his bad habits seem to seep into my life.
I dont listen at all but leave. He will come and seek me out to talk. I still walk out the room and be polite but I got something to do. I just dont want to listen to a drunk. He doesnt make any sense and I dont want to correct him or make sense out of his senselessness. Its better to stay away from him and in my life.
If he is not in my face, then I am not watching what he does. It is so much easier for me to watch what I am doing. I tell myself to STOP if I am playing detective. I tell myself he is doing it.
I am trying to figure out a way to bring more companionships that contains normal conversations to my life.
I understand ah moments. They take awhile to see the trees in the forest. Being around safe people, helps to reflect on my life and see where things do not add up.
I love the support here in this forum because its a safe environment to speak the truth. I know it feels good to pour the secrets out somewhere that I live a horrible life but I can be happy.
canadianguy said
May 6, 2019
Yep, the age old reminder, that my wise old sponsor repeated to me so many times....
"why do we keep thinking sick and irrational people will behave in healthy and rational ways?"
Hugs
Tom
JerryF said
May 6, 2019
Oh MY!! a teaching post which instantly brings back memories of early meetings at my entry into Al-Anon; Monday Night College Church of Christ Al-Anon Family Group...I hear the echoes from inside this post and I smile. Practice, practice, practice. Thank You. ((((hugs))))
Bo said
May 6, 2019
joker wrote:
I just had another ah moment. I was reading on line here and I see where I was wrong. An active alcoholic wants to be the center of attention despite what they say is lies and crap and makes no logical sense. The part where I was wrong is despite knowing this, I fall into the trap of listening to them and listening to their lies and crap. What I need to do is walk away. "I am sorry but I do not want to hear what you have to say right now, talk to me when your sober." I am learning I do not have to listen or believe what they have to say when they are under the influence. They will say anything, make up any lies they can.
I was just thinking about this man I was seeing and he admitted to being an active alcoholic. I learned not to believe anything that was coming out of his mouth, nothing. I knew it was all lies, lies. He sounded as if was living a healthy lifestyle,like I am going to go skiing this weekend, or I am going to go here/there. Of course those were all lies. The only guarantee was he was working and drinking, nothing in between. I had believed him before but it clicked in he was an active alcoholic, and what do they do, lie. lie. lie. I finally had enough and let him go. I said no more. I will no longer tolerate this sick man in my life. I am worth more. I deserve more. I finally set myself free.I feel better. He only wanted me around to listen to his crap and sooth his huge ego! What did I get out of it, nothing but pain. Not worth it. He may find another audience,who knows. I will not attend that show, when there is a lot of other shows playing out there. I am not limited and I have choices. I can attend a goo show that will leave me feeling empowered and loved and encouraged, not sad and ugly and used! What a revelation I had! This group is amazing!
Off the floor I pick myself up, one day at a time!
GREAT for YOU!!! Keep going! Keep doing the work!
Iamhere said
May 6, 2019
(((Joker))) - I am again reminded of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance Action! I see you progressing forward and that's awesome to see/hear! Keep doing what you're doing - you are worth it!
LiveLaughLove said
May 6, 2019
Joker, what you posted is one of the reasons why I have returned to this forum. Reading posts, such as yours, are so helpful. I, too, have fallen into the trap of listening to the lies. At times, I have wanted so much to believe that THIS TIME they are really being honest, only to realize that they are only telling me what they think I (and others) want to hear. Do they really believe their lies or are they just really good at lying, knowing that they are convincing many of their loved ones, once againor is it a combination of both? I suspect the latter. I then have my own Aha moment as I continue to read your post. Add to this, the responses from others that continue to help me in my own journey.
Tom, I especially like your quote"why do we keep thinking sick and irrational people will behave in healthy and rational ways?. So true!!! I need to keep reminding myself of this.
a4l said
May 7, 2019
For me once I started practicing walking away, detachment came. I could see how my old reactions were in effect me giving away my own power. I'd go from 0 to 2000 in ten seconds! Detachment was a lot less dramatic. Leaving the loved one to the loved ones madness also grew compassion. A rambling drunk talking to themselves. Keep looking after you. The vision gets clearer with program so keep working it.
I just had another ah moment. I was reading on line here and I see where I was wrong. An active alcoholic wants to be the center of attention despite what they say is lies and crap and makes no logical sense. The part where I was wrong is despite knowing this, I fall into the trap of listening to them and listening to their lies and crap. What I need to do is walk away. "I am sorry but I do not want to hear what you have to say right now, talk to me when your sober." I am learning I do not have to listen or believe what they have to say when they are under the influence. They will say anything, make up any lies they can.
I was just thinking about this man I was seeing and he admitted to being an active alcoholic. I learned not to believe anything that was coming out of his mouth, nothing. I knew it was all lies, lies. He sounded as if was living a healthy lifestyle,like I am going to go skiing this weekend, or I am going to go here/there. Of course those were all lies. The only guarantee was he was working and drinking, nothing in between. I had believed him before but it clicked in he was an active alcoholic, and what do they do, lie. lie. lie. I finally had enough and let him go. I said no more. I will no longer tolerate this sick man in my life. I am worth more. I deserve more. I finally set myself free.I feel better. He only wanted me around to listen to his crap and sooth his huge ego! What did I get out of it, nothing but pain. Not worth it. He may find another audience,who knows. I will not attend that show, when there is a lot of other shows playing out there. I am not limited and I have choices. I can attend a goo show that will leave me feeling empowered and loved and encouraged, not sad and ugly and used! What a revelation I had! This group is amazing!
Off the floor I pick myself up, one day at a time!
Yep, the age old reminder, that my wise old sponsor repeated to me so many times....
"why do we keep thinking sick and irrational people will behave in healthy and rational ways?"
Hugs
Tom
Oh MY!! a teaching post which instantly brings back memories of early meetings at my entry into Al-Anon; Monday Night College Church of Christ Al-Anon Family Group...I hear the echoes from inside this post and I smile. Practice, practice, practice. Thank You. ((((hugs))))
GREAT for YOU!!! Keep going! Keep doing the work!
Tom, I especially like your quote"why do we keep thinking sick and irrational people will behave in healthy and rational ways?. So true!!! I need to keep reminding myself of this.