I am proud of myself today. After a difficult week of me slipping back into stinky thinking and bad reactions to my AH, I stuck to my boundary of not driving him to places when he's under any influence unless it's a health emergency. I was usually very vulnerable in this area when he verbally pressures me for his wants, but when he asked me this evening if I could drive him to buy cigarets, I paused and plainly told him no. During the fifteen minutes he was gone, I was worried but kept my calm. He returned with cigarets and a 6 pack. The good part is that I didn't facilitate this and contribute to the sickness.
Tonight, I am a little sad, a little lonely, but mostly peaceful. Earlier this week, I finally opened a personal bank account to put away emergency fund and made a decision to deposit part of my earnings into the new account every month (AH doesn't work currently and I do several freelance jobs).
These two baby steps are empowering for me as I finally muster the courage to control the things that I can: my responses/boundaries and the financial well-being for myself and my child. Such is the story I want to share this evening.
Freetime said
May 5, 2019
Wenyuan, I think you are doing great! Keep on taking your baby steps. One step will lead to another. I am so happy to hear that you and your child are on the road to financial security and a peaceful life.
Bo said
May 5, 2019
wenyuan wrote:
I am proud of myself today. After a difficult week of me slipping back into stinky thinking and bad reactions to my AH, I stuck to my boundary of not driving him to places when he's under any influence unless it's a health emergency. I was usually very vulnerable in this area when he verbally pressures me for his wants, but when he asked me this evening if I could drive him to buy cigarets, I paused and plainly told him no. During the fifteen minutes he was gone, I was worried but kept my calm. He returned with cigarets and a 6 pack. The good part is that I didn't facilitate this and contribute to the sickness.
Tonight, I am a little sad, a little lonely, but mostly peaceful. Earlier this week, I finally opened a personal bank account to put away emergency fund and made a decision to deposit part of my earnings into the new account every month (AH doesn't work currently and I do several freelance jobs).
These two baby steps are empowering for me as I finally muster the courage to control the things that I can: my responses/boundaries and the financial well-being for myself and my child. Such is the story I want to share this evening.
Great for YOU!!! Congratulations!!! Don't be sad. And don't feel lonely. But, if you are, remember your program. Accept that you feel it, don't fight it, surrender...and then let it go! Make sure it doesn't consume you...and you can do that by applying the first three steps to those feelings.
Remember, there is a difference between being "alone" and "being lonely" -- and you can make this work for you. It's OK to feel those things. When an AH or AW leaves, you refuse to take them, and they come back with their vices...you are supposed to feel something. That's normal. You detach, have real clarity around acceptance, the three C"s, and the reality of the situation -- and that there is nothing you can do about it...and you will be fine. So, you were once vulnerable...and you made progress. You made change. You established a boundary, honored it, and it worked! Keep doing it!!! You might slip, but that's OK. You are not supposed to be successful the next ten times this happens. Alanon is about progress...not perfection. And you are making great progress!!! Keep doing the work!
wenyuan said
May 5, 2019
Thank you for your kind words :)! Today, I also bought my daughter some new toys on Amazon, which is unusual since I mostly shop used things. I am looking forward to receiving them in the the next two days because she will have a blast with these toys that she loves playing with at my neighbor's home.
wenyuan said
May 5, 2019
Bo, thank you for your consistent words of wisdom!!! I know that sometimes it's one step forward and two steps back. But the one step does count because I gain experience in dealing with similar situations. Boundaries for me are hard: I have to remind myself not to enable and that my responsibilities are to be an effective and deserving wife. Not a doormat which will only increase his disrespect for me and my contempt for myself. It is not easy. I do think about giving up on the marriage sometimes. But I know that's not my solution. My solution is to work on myself and find what is best, not easiest, for me and my child.
-- Edited by wenyuan on Sunday 5th of May 2019 10:34:40 PM
JerryF said
May 6, 2019
Good Job Wenyuan!! I got good memories from when I first got into program and was being led by our literature and meetings and I applaud you and your courage. Keep coming back!! (((hugs)))
El said
May 6, 2019
Oh, good for you! I think your own funds is a very big step and so important. I still have difficulty with boundaries at times, so am impressed with what you set for yourself.
Thanks for sharing and being here with us.
Ellen
Elabella said
May 6, 2019
Wow! Congratulations! This is in my newbie eyes a HUGE step not a baby one. I applaud you on your courage to take these steps. Im inspired. I need to do the same but have such a hard time with boundary setting. Good for you!!!
PosiesandPuppies said
May 6, 2019
Congratulations, Wenyuan!
You named your post "Baby Steps," but I think the very first steps are the hardest, so I applaud you for not only setting that boundary, but sticking to it (Oh, the hardest part!).
I also think you are really using your brain and not your heart with setting up that account. Kudos to you!! Each step leads you to the next one! Keep strong! You will be the touchstone for your child...through your actions, you will be showing her how to live and love in this world.
Iamhere said
May 6, 2019
wenyuan - I too believe you've done awesome program work here.....what I've always heard about feelings is to feel them, but don't let them control you. This is when the tools of the program are so very helpful for/to me. If I am feeling sad, mad, disappointed, hurt, etc. I am one who processes better by writing about it, talking about it and then praying about it. Nobody can tell me what to feel or what not to feel, and with all things for me, I can choose what to do with those feelings.
Before recovery, I would let them simmer, and like a pot of water over heat, they would boil and at times boil over. Today, I can find program tools to process the feelings, peel back to the 'why' and then decide when to let go and let God. For me, I often find fear within me by peeling back they layers, and it makes it easier for me to let go as I do trust the God of my understanding to lead me where I am to go. I struggle to let go without taking a look at what is happening in 'me' that's causing me to 'feel' what I am feeling.
Keep doing you - it looks great on you! I recall when I opened an account IMNO (in my name only) - it was an extremely good feeling - the beginning of finding me again, separate from my spouse. (((Hugs)))
JerryF said
May 7, 2019
My elder sponsor taught me how to celebrate the growths in recovery and everyone can also do it. Throw your right hand over your left shoulder or if you like your left hand over your right shoulder and pat yourself on the back. It works when you work it.
Bo said
May 11, 2019
I am always reminded that any step forward, any progress, no matter how small, how insignificant it might appear or sound...is a success! It should be appreciated, and one should be grateful for it. Build on the success, embrace it, be proud of it. It is a wonderful thing. When you are in the abyss...even the smallest of steps, the smallest progress...is a step in the right direction. It is one step closer toward getting better, toward getting healthy. After that step...then what? Take the next step.
Every journey...starts with one step...and if you want to get better and get healthy...then that on step...should be the first step.
I am proud of myself today. After a difficult week of me slipping back into stinky thinking and bad reactions to my AH, I stuck to my boundary of not driving him to places when he's under any influence unless it's a health emergency. I was usually very vulnerable in this area when he verbally pressures me for his wants, but when he asked me this evening if I could drive him to buy cigarets, I paused and plainly told him no. During the fifteen minutes he was gone, I was worried but kept my calm. He returned with cigarets and a 6 pack. The good part is that I didn't facilitate this and contribute to the sickness.
Tonight, I am a little sad, a little lonely, but mostly peaceful. Earlier this week, I finally opened a personal bank account to put away emergency fund and made a decision to deposit part of my earnings into the new account every month (AH doesn't work currently and I do several freelance jobs).
These two baby steps are empowering for me as I finally muster the courage to control the things that I can: my responses/boundaries and the financial well-being for myself and my child. Such is the story I want to share this evening.
Great for YOU!!! Congratulations!!! Don't be sad. And don't feel lonely. But, if you are, remember your program. Accept that you feel it, don't fight it, surrender...and then let it go! Make sure it doesn't consume you...and you can do that by applying the first three steps to those feelings.
Remember, there is a difference between being "alone" and "being lonely" -- and you can make this work for you. It's OK to feel those things. When an AH or AW leaves, you refuse to take them, and they come back with their vices...you are supposed to feel something. That's normal. You detach, have real clarity around acceptance, the three C"s, and the reality of the situation -- and that there is nothing you can do about it...and you will be fine. So, you were once vulnerable...and you made progress. You made change. You established a boundary, honored it, and it worked! Keep doing it!!! You might slip, but that's OK. You are not supposed to be successful the next ten times this happens. Alanon is about progress...not perfection. And you are making great progress!!! Keep doing the work!
Thank you for your kind words :)! Today, I also bought my daughter some new toys on Amazon, which is unusual since I mostly shop used things. I am looking forward to receiving them in the the next two days because she will have a blast with these toys that she loves playing with at my neighbor's home.
Bo, thank you for your consistent words of wisdom!!! I know that sometimes it's one step forward and two steps back. But the one step does count because I gain experience in dealing with similar situations. Boundaries for me are hard: I have to remind myself not to enable and that my responsibilities are to be an effective and deserving wife. Not a doormat which will only increase his disrespect for me and my contempt for myself. It is not easy. I do think about giving up on the marriage sometimes. But I know that's not my solution. My solution is to work on myself and find what is best, not easiest, for me and my child.
-- Edited by wenyuan on Sunday 5th of May 2019 10:34:40 PM
Good Job Wenyuan!! I got good memories from when I first got into program and was being led by our literature and meetings and I applaud you and your courage. Keep coming back!! (((hugs)))
Oh, good for you! I think your own funds is a very big step and so important. I still have difficulty with boundaries at times, so am impressed with what you set for yourself.
Thanks for sharing and being here with us.
Ellen
You named your post "Baby Steps," but I think the very first steps are the hardest, so I applaud you for not only setting that boundary, but sticking to it (Oh, the hardest part!).
I also think you are really using your brain and not your heart with setting up that account. Kudos to you!! Each step leads you to the next one! Keep strong! You will be the touchstone for your child...through your actions, you will be showing her how to live and love in this world.
Before recovery, I would let them simmer, and like a pot of water over heat, they would boil and at times boil over. Today, I can find program tools to process the feelings, peel back to the 'why' and then decide when to let go and let God. For me, I often find fear within me by peeling back they layers, and it makes it easier for me to let go as I do trust the God of my understanding to lead me where I am to go. I struggle to let go without taking a look at what is happening in 'me' that's causing me to 'feel' what I am feeling.
Keep doing you - it looks great on you! I recall when I opened an account IMNO (in my name only) - it was an extremely good feeling - the beginning of finding me again, separate from my spouse. (((Hugs)))
My elder sponsor taught me how to celebrate the growths in recovery and everyone can also do it. Throw your right hand over your left shoulder or if you like your left hand over your right shoulder and pat yourself on the back. It works when you work it.
Every journey...starts with one step...and if you want to get better and get healthy...then that on step...should be the first step.