Considering attending 1st Al Anon Meeting - need encouragement
graces7 said
May 5, 2019
Hi everyone,
I am hoping someone can tell me if based on my situation Al-Anon is, indeed, the right place for me. They have a meeting down the street tomorrow night, and I'm scared to go.
I am 32 and recently ended a 5-year relationship with my fiancé, who started out with a serious cocaine and alcohol addiction that lasted 2 years (drinking about a quart of hard liquor a night and me helping him when he was vomiting and handing him a toothbrush so he could make himself sick, hiding the problem from family and pretending it was a normal amount to drink because of his height, holding him up on public transport, checking on him when he was out with friends still using cocaine) until I couldn't handle covering for him and trying to help him anymore, when he relapsed on cocaine - it was so hard, but I had always gone along with the drinking I had set a boundary that if he did cocaine I would leave, and I felt I had to. It was only when I left that he went to AA and got sober.
After the addictions were handled, I moved onto helping him change his career and get into medical school. While my own career was stagnant and I was not fulfilling my own goals, I focussed on helping him write all his applications and getting all of the study supports he needed to ace his MCATs, which he did and attended med school, where I went to help him set up, fill his freezer with meals, etc. All this time I continued to neglect my own needs and once he was at school long distance, he spent six weeks telling me I was too needy and he didn't want me around needing things from him, I lost 25 pounds in the span of six weeks while he decided if he wanted the relationship, then he broke up with me. I fell into depression and got treatment, but am finding myself stuck. While I haven't gone back and refused to see him when he asked, I recently got into another relationship which started great (he was stable, established) but I became hooked when he told me he was emotionally unavailable. I realize all my major relationships have had a common theme (first was schizophrenic, second was drug addiction, third was in another country, fourth was my fiancé with cocaine and alcohol addiction, and most recent was in another town 5 hours away).
I am considering Al-Anon tomorrow because I read "Women Who Love Too Much" this weekend, which parallels alcohol addiction to addiction to 'fixing' others, and I realize now that instead of blaming my ex for wasting 5 years in a relationship and now not having a family and kids or being still in school because I focused on him during that time, maybe I am unable to focus on myself and my own issues and always need to fix and control others because I find it so scary to be alone with my own needs and take care of myself. Growing up I was the oldest and have always been an overachiever, and felt responsible for making my family look good when in reality my parents were very unhappy, my father was physically abusive (hit me in the face and when a cop saw my nosebleed got involved, but I was told the narrative since then that it was my fault and I acted up too much) and because my mother had a difficult upbringing and found emotional connection difficult (as exemplified by the above situation), but I always felt loved when I could overachieve and she could talk about my accomplishments (I have run the Boston marathon while attending law school, become a lawyer, and become successful in most areas of life, but continue to lose myself in relationships and this past fall hit rock bottom when the one person I successfully "fixed" from an unhappy person with a cocaine and alcohol addiction into a doctor, suddenly discarded and left me when we were engaged to be married).
I should also note that my relationship with my ex started during a brief period I was focusing on myself after a difficult family situation - my mother was supposed to drive me home from NYC to Canada but when I acted in a way she didn't like and got into a fight with my brother who was there, she left me there telling me I 'ruined her family dinner', and I had no money to get home or for a hotel - luckily my cousin wired me money but no one checked to make sure I got back okay in my family, and when I talked to my father he told me 'not to talk to him until I fixed this' - my anorexia became extremely serious because I felt if at least my mother saw my weight plummet on social media and she looked bad, she might reach out even once to see if I was okay - but instead she never talked to me and instead only shared updates on facebook when I won a race or had an award she could talk about - I kept going until I could no longer get out of bed, to the point that I finally got help, and acknowledged I had an eating disorder and started cognitive behavioural therapy and setting boundaries. I was doing well but eventually lost myself in the relationship with my fiancé and his drinking and drug problem, as much as I truly loved him, and he made me happy, sometimes I think every time I enter a relationship I lose myself gradually and stop taking care of myself and being happy.
I know I am no longer in an active situation with an alcoholic but feel that maybe the one person I have needed to fix all this time has been myself, and so maybe attending a meeting tomorrow may offer hope for real happiness for me, and ultimately after I fix myself, perhaps a healthy relationship. Could anyone who has been to a meeting or down this road let me know if they think attending would be appropriate?
Thank you. I am scared about taking care of myself and addressing these issues in my life and your perspective and encouragement would mean a lot to me. I don't know anyone in my life who understands or is comfortable with talking about these issues.
-- Edited by graces7 on Sunday 5th of May 2019 04:52:48 PM
Freetime said
May 5, 2019
Welcome, Graces7! You are in the right place, and I would encourage you to attend Al-Anon.
Taking care of yourself -- yes, I and so many fellow Al-Anons have learned how important that is. The Al-Anon program is great for learning about self-care.
I hope your first meeting brings you some comfort -- it's the first step on the road to YOUR recovery. I was amazed at my first meetings that there was someone who was in almost exactly my same situation, and everyone there was completely comfortable hearing and talking about the heartbreak of living with alcoholism.
If for any reason you're not comfortable with that first meeting, go back next week as there might be different people, and try other meetings too. Each has its own flavor.
Please let us know how it went, and keep coming back. On this board there are people who will read and respond 7 days a week.
JerryF said
May 5, 2019
Graces ...Yes!! we are the one person we need to fix and from inside the Al-Anon Family Groups I have found hundreds if not more tools to do that for me. I was born and raised within the disease and from that time never wanted to be within it. I begged from birth not to be left there but I needed to find the family I have now...the AL-Anon Family Groups where I could and would learn about Serenity, Sanity, and Sobriety. I have more time in this family than the family of origin and for that I am grateful.
Stick around sister...go to the meeting and come back with an open mind and we will share what has worked for us. ((((Hugs))))
PosiesandPuppies said
May 6, 2019
Graces, I will second what Freetime and Jerry has said... go to that meeting with an open mind & come here and share about it!
I found the first couple meetings I attended not to my liking. But I found another meeting, and kept going. Someone very wise on this board has said many times, "Go with an open heart and mind, and look for the similarities, not the differences."
You have actually taken that first step to a more balanced, healthier you... you recognized that YOU may be the common denominator in all of your scenarios!!! Kudos to you!!
Hope to "see" you soon!
Peace to you!
Iamhere said
May 6, 2019
graces - welcome to MIP! So very glad you found us and applaud your courage to jump right in and share! I also agree with what's been stated - Al-Anon is absolutely a great program to learn about self-care as well as to help you understand how the disease affects friends and family of alcoholics. The affect can be lasting, so even if you've moved on from the person, there can be residual affects. As I always say, why not try it? What I was told before I first attended was to look for the similarities instead of the differences, and keep an open mind.
I too hope you stop back by and let us know how it goes. I did try two different groups before I found what I consider my 'tribe'. I'll go to any meeting, any where at any time if I need one, but felt truly @ home with the second group I attended. There is always hope and help in recovery! Keep coming back - you are not alone!
Jen61 said
May 6, 2019
Welcome!
PosiesandPuppies said
May 7, 2019
((((graces7)))
How are you today? Did you hit that meeting?
Aloha said
May 13, 2019
Welcome - I hope you made it to a meeting and that you found it helpful.
You're absolutely right that you need to keep the focus on you. Especially in light of your anorexia, as that is deadly and you need to take whatever measures necessary to ensure you keep it arrested. There is a 12-step group called Eating Disorders Anonymous that you may want to check out: www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org/recovery.html
I believe Al-Anon is also a good place for you. I'm going to only repeat what I've heard many AA members who are also members of Al-Anon say - they need AA to address their addiction and stay sober. They need Al-Anon to address their relationships. Al-Anon should not substitute AA, or in your case EDA, but I've seen Al-Anon dovetail beautifully between other 12-step groups so they can be a potent combination in the realm of self-care.
You are a beautiful, amazing woman. You deserve to put yourself first and take good care of you.
Hi everyone,
I am hoping someone can tell me if based on my situation Al-Anon is, indeed, the right place for me. They have a meeting down the street tomorrow night, and I'm scared to go.
I am 32 and recently ended a 5-year relationship with my fiancé, who started out with a serious cocaine and alcohol addiction that lasted 2 years (drinking about a quart of hard liquor a night and me helping him when he was vomiting and handing him a toothbrush so he could make himself sick, hiding the problem from family and pretending it was a normal amount to drink because of his height, holding him up on public transport, checking on him when he was out with friends still using cocaine) until I couldn't handle covering for him and trying to help him anymore, when he relapsed on cocaine - it was so hard, but I had always gone along with the drinking I had set a boundary that if he did cocaine I would leave, and I felt I had to. It was only when I left that he went to AA and got sober.
After the addictions were handled, I moved onto helping him change his career and get into medical school. While my own career was stagnant and I was not fulfilling my own goals, I focussed on helping him write all his applications and getting all of the study supports he needed to ace his MCATs, which he did and attended med school, where I went to help him set up, fill his freezer with meals, etc. All this time I continued to neglect my own needs and once he was at school long distance, he spent six weeks telling me I was too needy and he didn't want me around needing things from him, I lost 25 pounds in the span of six weeks while he decided if he wanted the relationship, then he broke up with me. I fell into depression and got treatment, but am finding myself stuck. While I haven't gone back and refused to see him when he asked, I recently got into another relationship which started great (he was stable, established) but I became hooked when he told me he was emotionally unavailable. I realize all my major relationships have had a common theme (first was schizophrenic, second was drug addiction, third was in another country, fourth was my fiancé with cocaine and alcohol addiction, and most recent was in another town 5 hours away).
I am considering Al-Anon tomorrow because I read "Women Who Love Too Much" this weekend, which parallels alcohol addiction to addiction to 'fixing' others, and I realize now that instead of blaming my ex for wasting 5 years in a relationship and now not having a family and kids or being still in school because I focused on him during that time, maybe I am unable to focus on myself and my own issues and always need to fix and control others because I find it so scary to be alone with my own needs and take care of myself. Growing up I was the oldest and have always been an overachiever, and felt responsible for making my family look good when in reality my parents were very unhappy, my father was physically abusive (hit me in the face and when a cop saw my nosebleed got involved, but I was told the narrative since then that it was my fault and I acted up too much) and because my mother had a difficult upbringing and found emotional connection difficult (as exemplified by the above situation), but I always felt loved when I could overachieve and she could talk about my accomplishments (I have run the Boston marathon while attending law school, become a lawyer, and become successful in most areas of life, but continue to lose myself in relationships and this past fall hit rock bottom when the one person I successfully "fixed" from an unhappy person with a cocaine and alcohol addiction into a doctor, suddenly discarded and left me when we were engaged to be married).
I should also note that my relationship with my ex started during a brief period I was focusing on myself after a difficult family situation - my mother was supposed to drive me home from NYC to Canada but when I acted in a way she didn't like and got into a fight with my brother who was there, she left me there telling me I 'ruined her family dinner', and I had no money to get home or for a hotel - luckily my cousin wired me money but no one checked to make sure I got back okay in my family, and when I talked to my father he told me 'not to talk to him until I fixed this' - my anorexia became extremely serious because I felt if at least my mother saw my weight plummet on social media and she looked bad, she might reach out even once to see if I was okay - but instead she never talked to me and instead only shared updates on facebook when I won a race or had an award she could talk about - I kept going until I could no longer get out of bed, to the point that I finally got help, and acknowledged I had an eating disorder and started cognitive behavioural therapy and setting boundaries. I was doing well but eventually lost myself in the relationship with my fiancé and his drinking and drug problem, as much as I truly loved him, and he made me happy, sometimes I think every time I enter a relationship I lose myself gradually and stop taking care of myself and being happy.
I know I am no longer in an active situation with an alcoholic but feel that maybe the one person I have needed to fix all this time has been myself, and so maybe attending a meeting tomorrow may offer hope for real happiness for me, and ultimately after I fix myself, perhaps a healthy relationship. Could anyone who has been to a meeting or down this road let me know if they think attending would be appropriate?
Thank you. I am scared about taking care of myself and addressing these issues in my life and your perspective and encouragement would mean a lot to me. I don't know anyone in my life who understands or is comfortable with talking about these issues.
-- Edited by graces7 on Sunday 5th of May 2019 04:52:48 PM
Taking care of yourself -- yes, I and so many fellow Al-Anons have learned how important that is. The Al-Anon program is great for learning about self-care.
I hope your first meeting brings you some comfort -- it's the first step on the road to YOUR recovery. I was amazed at my first meetings that there was someone who was in almost exactly my same situation, and everyone there was completely comfortable hearing and talking about the heartbreak of living with alcoholism.
If for any reason you're not comfortable with that first meeting, go back next week as there might be different people, and try other meetings too. Each has its own flavor.
Please let us know how it went, and keep coming back. On this board there are people who will read and respond 7 days a week.
Graces ...Yes!! we are the one person we need to fix and from inside the Al-Anon Family Groups I have found hundreds if not more tools to do that for me. I was born and raised within the disease and from that time never wanted to be within it. I begged from birth not to be left there but I needed to find the family I have now...the AL-Anon Family Groups where I could and would learn about Serenity, Sanity, and Sobriety. I have more time in this family than the family of origin and for that I am grateful.
Stick around sister...go to the meeting and come back with an open mind and we will share what has worked for us. ((((Hugs))))
I found the first couple meetings I attended not to my liking. But I found another meeting, and kept going. Someone very wise on this board has said many times, "Go with an open heart and mind, and look for the similarities, not the differences."
You have actually taken that first step to a more balanced, healthier you... you recognized that YOU may be the common denominator in all of your scenarios!!! Kudos to you!!
Hope to "see" you soon!
Peace to you!
I too hope you stop back by and let us know how it goes. I did try two different groups before I found what I consider my 'tribe'. I'll go to any meeting, any where at any time if I need one, but felt truly @ home with the second group I attended. There is always hope and help in recovery! Keep coming back - you are not alone!
How are you today? Did you hit that meeting?
You're absolutely right that you need to keep the focus on you. Especially in light of your anorexia, as that is deadly and you need to take whatever measures necessary to ensure you keep it arrested. There is a 12-step group called Eating Disorders Anonymous that you may want to check out: www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org/recovery.html
I believe Al-Anon is also a good place for you. I'm going to only repeat what I've heard many AA members who are also members of Al-Anon say - they need AA to address their addiction and stay sober. They need Al-Anon to address their relationships. Al-Anon should not substitute AA, or in your case EDA, but I've seen Al-Anon dovetail beautifully between other 12-step groups so they can be a potent combination in the realm of self-care.
You are a beautiful, amazing woman. You deserve to put yourself first and take good care of you.