My dad is only 50, but he is in what they call "the final stage" of alcoholism. He will not admit to his drinking, and so it often feels as though being around him is to submit to a reality that is not my reality. A reality that is extremely mentally ill.
I am 25 years old, and I recently moved back home to the same island as my parents.I have been coming to Al- Anon for 4 years now, and in my fourth year I am starting to begin to understand step 1.I am completely powerless.It feels so good and sad at the same time.Accepting the fact that his spirit continues to die and come back to life over and over again.This is to be in constant mourning for him.Once in a blue moon he will be the dad I knew, but this is a temporary stint of sobriety.
My dad and I were best friends growing up, and I now find it so difficult to accept what seems like his decision to end his life, slowly and painfully. Initially, I was 18 when his mental health deteriorated over night. I did not understand what was happening, and I treated him with anger for years.More recently, I tried to be more neutral and compassionate, but I dont feel like I am working on a relationship with my father.I feel like Im trying to connect with someone who is too saturated to connect with or have any real feelings towards me anyways.
It has been offered to him numerous times to get his own apartment and to do what he likes there. He refuses that he has a problem, and that my mom and I are "ice queens.In some ways we became that way to him, we were in a state of shock for years. Last year he tried to kill himself with sleeping pills (prescribed to him by his psychiatrist) to try and force my mom to come home.The rcmp came. They saved his life, he went to the hospital for a few days, they increased his dosage of medication for his "bi-polar disorder" (a diagnosis he got after 5min with a psychiatrist, which allowed him to never admit to the alcoholism.Everything was the bi- polar now) and sent him home where he immediately started drinking again. I am still trying to recover from the anger from this incident.He completely ignores that it happened.
Sometimes I feel so stuck wondering how long it can go on for, what purpose is this serving and I get myself so trapped in the victim role.I hear myself talking to my friends about it sometimes and I get so embarrassed.Like Im expecting them to give me an answer but really Im just overwhelming them.
It has come to the point, and I am now ready to work on the relationship I have with my thoughts. I have been practicing gratitude, and realizing I have developed a lot of unhealthy thinking patterns.I am becoming so grateful for my moms strength and health, and to have one parent I can talk to.I am also grateful I had a childhood with a loving laughing playful father, who was basically a big kid, and probably why we were so close.I am also grateful that my dad has shown me the hidden dangers in my family line.The Campbells love drugs and alcohol, and I had to stop once I saw myself getting out of control.I dont know that it would have clicked so soon had I not seen what possibly lay ahead for me. I am grateful for life, which I would not have is it werent for him, and so, I am very grateful to him. I still have so much anger and sadness, but I am trying to open up my heart more to another side of my story.
I live in a small community on a small island in British Columbia.It is very hard to find sponsors here.I know a sponsor is something best done face to face, but Im having some difficulty.I wonder if anyone has found any online resources that could point me in the right direction.
Thank you for listening, this has helped to write some of this down.
hotrod said
Apr 27, 2019
Welocme Mome I am so very sorry to read of your pain and Glad that you have found alanon.. Working the First Step. is a great decision . Please do keep coming back there is hope and help as You are not alone
JerryF said
Apr 27, 2019
Momo glad to have you check into the MIP Family with your courage and honesty. When I got into the program I was as dumb as a stick and very oppositional defiant. They said "men on men and women on women" regarding matching in sponsorship and I went right out and picked a woman to sponsor me. My excuse was that there wasn't very many men in the program yet in reality I didn't really work at it. God for me that my female sponsor fired me and turned me over to a male who as it turned out was a God send. Even his name with middle initial was a guide for me.
You have been in program for a while and maybe one of the needs is to step up the courage with the other elders in program. We are not about perfection so taking your time and checking your growth may reveal your growth in many areas.
I would not have picked by myself, the sponsor I became blessed with. Not intentionally...the relationship was worked at for several years. He was a winery manager and I only got to sample his recovery which I carry with me daily.
His name was Don.T. When in doubt?? Don't. Please keep coming back and we will share our ESH with you and you with us. Together we do recovery. ((((hugs))))
I am also an island boy...deep in the Pacific. Ho`omaika`i...Blessings.
Lyne said
Apr 28, 2019
Welcome momo. Your situation is indeed sad and painful, and yet I can see your work in alanon shining through.
I attend a F2F meeting, but I found my sponsor from this message board. I suggest you read peoples posts for several weeks or whatever it takes, and if you find someone you think might be a good fit for you, message them privately through the board,, and ask them if they can sponsor you. If the first person you ask or try doesnt work, keep looking! Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 28, 2019
Welcome, MOMO.
Your story is touching and sad. To lose a best friend is always tough to our psyches, but throw into the mix that person is also a parent... rough! I applaud your work with Al-Anon. Interesting that after 4 years you are now "starting to begin to understand Step 1." I say "interesting" b/c it highlights for any newcomer that this is not a program where you waltz in, fly through the Steps and your DONE! Healed!
It is truly a program of self-awareness and growth. When embraced and "worked," it is a program which helps us see just how much the disease of Addiction has changed our core being! We each have similar stories, but our paths are ours alone. Lyne found her sponsor on this board... I found mine at a meeting - but did not stay with the first one, b/c it wasn't a great "fit." Keep reaching out. As I am finding more and more, your true needs will be met when you are honest, open and willing to accept what is being offered to you.
Wishing you peace and clarity of thought this Sunday, and as you move along your path of healing!
PNP
Iamhere said
Apr 28, 2019
I too welcome you to MI P momo - glad you found us and glad that you shared! I am sorry for the progression of the disease in your father - I hear how much you love him and how painful it is to watch. Please know you are not alone - I also really, really admire how you are able to draw from the loving, positive experiences with him prior to the advancement of the disease. It so reminds me that alcoholics are not bad people making bad choices to hurt others but are instead sick people with families, loved ones, etc. unable to get well.
I too wish you continued growth in Al-Anon, peace and tons of serenity. Please keep coming back and know that there is always hope and help in recovery no matter what anyone else is/is not doing!
Bo said
Apr 29, 2019
Hi Momo...welcome...first, it's important for you to know...many people here have experienced, seen, felt, heard, and thought the very same things as you are experiencing right now. More importantly, many of us have actually gotten through it -- successfully -- and that means, we've gotten better, gotten healthy, live happy and healthy lives, etc. So, many of us "get it" -- and have conquered it. We went through it, lived to tell about it, and now are happy and healthy.
I will speak to the sponsor issue first as I have to go into a meeting. My sponsor, who is still my sponsor today, retired and moved, almost 1500 miles away. Now, for me, personally, early on, it was different. I used to see him 3 times a week at face to face meetings. We'd chat before and after a meeting. On Saturday's, after the meeting, a small group of us would go out to breakfast. When I was working the steps, in crisis, or had an issue that needed -- and more importantly, that I wanted -- to be handled, we met, face to face. There were times where we spoke every day. When I was at rock bottom, we spoke multiple times a day. However, whether I met with him or not, I still saw him, at a minimum of two meetings a week. It might have only been for a few minutes, but I saw him. Regardless, I knew, he was there. I knew he lived 20 minutes away. I knew we could meet. So, he moved. And, like I said, for me it was different. For me, it took some "getting used to" so to speak.
However, we talk on the phone. We "talk the talk" and he holds me accountable so that I walk the walk. He provides a great deal of insight, experience, perspective, and most of all -- objectivity.
That said, in my experience, there is no problem whatsoever having a sponsor who you work with over the phone. Forget the email nonsense. That's good to supplement what you are doing together, on the phone, INTER-PERSONALLY. This program wasn't designed to do alone. The steps, Blueprint For Progress, whatever -- alanon is a fellowship. There is a reason for that. It is a core part of the program. You can listen to people here...well, let's be clear, you can read what people have to say here. There is a certain benefit -- many actually -- a certain dynamic, when two people "share" between them, bond, work, talk, have common experiences...BETWEEN THEM, INTER-PERSONALLY.
What's important is that you get a sponsor. Period. Your recovery, your health, your getting better...will accelerate, exponentially...with a sponsor (and if you actually do the work, with your sponsor).
My dad is only 50, but he is in what they call "the final stage" of alcoholism. He will not admit to his drinking, and so it often feels as though being around him is to submit to a reality that is not my reality. A reality that is extremely mentally ill.
I am 25 years old, and I recently moved back home to the same island as my parents. I have been coming to Al- Anon for 4 years now, and in my fourth year I am starting to begin to understand step 1. I am completely powerless. It feels so good and sad at the same time. Accepting the fact that his spirit continues to die and come back to life over and over again. This is to be in constant mourning for him. Once in a blue moon he will be the dad I knew, but this is a temporary stint of sobriety.
My dad and I were best friends growing up, and I now find it so difficult to accept what seems like his decision to end his life, slowly and painfully. Initially, I was 18 when his mental health deteriorated over night. I did not understand what was happening, and I treated him with anger for years. More recently, I tried to be more neutral and compassionate, but I dont feel like I am working on a relationship with my father. I feel like Im trying to connect with someone who is too saturated to connect with or have any real feelings towards me anyways.
It has been offered to him numerous times to get his own apartment and to do what he likes there. He refuses that he has a problem, and that my mom and I are "ice queens. In some ways we became that way to him, we were in a state of shock for years. Last year he tried to kill himself with sleeping pills (prescribed to him by his psychiatrist) to try and force my mom to come home. The rcmp came. They saved his life, he went to the hospital for a few days, they increased his dosage of medication for his "bi-polar disorder" (a diagnosis he got after 5min with a psychiatrist, which allowed him to never admit to the alcoholism. Everything was the bi- polar now) and sent him home where he immediately started drinking again. I am still trying to recover from the anger from this incident. He completely ignores that it happened.
Sometimes I feel so stuck wondering how long it can go on for, what purpose is this serving and I get myself so trapped in the victim role. I hear myself talking to my friends about it sometimes and I get so embarrassed. Like Im expecting them to give me an answer but really Im just overwhelming them.
It has come to the point, and I am now ready to work on the relationship I have with my thoughts. I have been practicing gratitude, and realizing I have developed a lot of unhealthy thinking patterns. I am becoming so grateful for my moms strength and health, and to have one parent I can talk to. I am also grateful I had a childhood with a loving laughing playful father, who was basically a big kid, and probably why we were so close. I am also grateful that my dad has shown me the hidden dangers in my family line. The Campbells love drugs and alcohol, and I had to stop once I saw myself getting out of control. I dont know that it would have clicked so soon had I not seen what possibly lay ahead for me. I am grateful for life, which I would not have is it werent for him, and so, I am very grateful to him. I still have so much anger and sadness, but I am trying to open up my heart more to another side of my story.
I live in a small community on a small island in British Columbia. It is very hard to find sponsors here. I know a sponsor is something best done face to face, but Im having some difficulty. I wonder if anyone has found any online resources that could point me in the right direction.
Thank you for listening, this has helped to write some of this down.
Welocme Mome I am so very sorry to read of your pain and Glad that you have found alanon.. Working the First Step.
is a great decision . Please do keep coming back there is hope and help as You are not alone
Momo glad to have you check into the MIP Family with your courage and honesty. When I got into the program I was as dumb as a stick and very oppositional defiant. They said "men on men and women on women" regarding matching in sponsorship and I went right out and picked a woman to sponsor me. My excuse was that there wasn't very many men in the program yet in reality I didn't really work at it. God for me that my female sponsor fired me and turned me over to a male who as it turned out was a God send. Even his name with middle initial was a guide for me.
You have been in program for a while and maybe one of the needs is to step up the courage with the other elders in program. We are not about perfection so taking your time and checking your growth may reveal your growth in many areas.
I would not have picked by myself, the sponsor I became blessed with. Not intentionally...the relationship was worked at for several years. He was a winery manager and I only got to sample his recovery which I carry with me daily.
His name was Don.T. When in doubt?? Don't. Please keep coming back and we will share our ESH with you and you with us. Together we do recovery. ((((hugs))))
I am also an island boy...deep in the Pacific. Ho`omaika`i...Blessings.
I attend a F2F meeting, but I found my sponsor from this message board. I suggest you read peoples posts for several weeks or whatever it takes, and if you find someone you think might be a good fit for you, message them privately through the board,, and ask them if they can sponsor you. If the first person you ask or try doesnt work, keep looking! Lyne
Welcome, MOMO.
Your story is touching and sad. To lose a best friend is always tough to our psyches, but throw into the mix that person is also a parent... rough! I applaud your work with Al-Anon. Interesting that after 4 years you are now "starting to begin to understand Step 1."
I say "interesting" b/c it highlights for any newcomer that this is not a program where you waltz in, fly through the Steps and your DONE! Healed!
It is truly a program of self-awareness and growth. When embraced and "worked," it is a program which helps us see just how much the disease of Addiction has changed our core being! We each have similar stories, but our paths are ours alone. Lyne found her sponsor on this board... I found mine at a meeting - but did not stay with the first one, b/c it wasn't a great "fit." Keep reaching out. As I am finding more and more, your true needs will be met when you are honest, open and willing to accept what is being offered to you.
Wishing you peace and clarity of thought this Sunday, and as you move along your path of healing!
PNP
I too wish you continued growth in Al-Anon, peace and tons of serenity. Please keep coming back and know that there is always hope and help in recovery no matter what anyone else is/is not doing!
I will speak to the sponsor issue first as I have to go into a meeting. My sponsor, who is still my sponsor today, retired and moved, almost 1500 miles away. Now, for me, personally, early on, it was different. I used to see him 3 times a week at face to face meetings. We'd chat before and after a meeting. On Saturday's, after the meeting, a small group of us would go out to breakfast. When I was working the steps, in crisis, or had an issue that needed -- and more importantly, that I wanted -- to be handled, we met, face to face. There were times where we spoke every day. When I was at rock bottom, we spoke multiple times a day. However, whether I met with him or not, I still saw him, at a minimum of two meetings a week. It might have only been for a few minutes, but I saw him. Regardless, I knew, he was there. I knew he lived 20 minutes away. I knew we could meet. So, he moved. And, like I said, for me it was different. For me, it took some "getting used to" so to speak.
However, we talk on the phone. We "talk the talk" and he holds me accountable so that I walk the walk. He provides a great deal of insight, experience, perspective, and most of all -- objectivity.
That said, in my experience, there is no problem whatsoever having a sponsor who you work with over the phone. Forget the email nonsense. That's good to supplement what you are doing together, on the phone, INTER-PERSONALLY. This program wasn't designed to do alone. The steps, Blueprint For Progress, whatever -- alanon is a fellowship. There is a reason for that. It is a core part of the program. You can listen to people here...well, let's be clear, you can read what people have to say here. There is a certain benefit -- many actually -- a certain dynamic, when two people "share" between them, bond, work, talk, have common experiences...BETWEEN THEM, INTER-PERSONALLY.
What's important is that you get a sponsor. Period. Your recovery, your health, your getting better...will accelerate, exponentially...with a sponsor (and if you actually do the work, with your sponsor).