It seems venting relates to not being in recovery? I dont think I can absorb anything till I throw it up, so to speak, the ugliness thats grown in me when living with an A. I feel like I have to get the anger, resentment, loneliness, over responsibility, and sadness released before I can move on to a more positive state. I have to acknowledge that I exists in this nightmare. It is not like it is safe to bring this topic up to friends because being an A wife is not highly admired. After all these years, addiction is still not acceptable to say I have this in my family and this must be talked about behind closed doors.
I understand al non gives me tools to live in the craziness and to obtain some peace. I understand that I cant fix my A and it is not on my to do list. What I can do is protect my kids from his behavior. It is about changing my mindset and focus. I totally detach where I have my own life. I dont enable and he is accountable to himself. I am accountable for my behavior and actions. I do draw the line to driving my kids drunk when he lies and says he hasnt had a drink when I know he has. The duck tape comes off to fight on this line especially when he has no concern for another persons life. I dont look for him to come home nor do I pencil him in my life. I make dinners for myself and kids. I plan fun stuff for us. I assume everyday that he drinks. I dont look for is he drinking today or not. It is much easier to say he is drinking. This lifts the burden of wondering or searching. This frees my mind. I dont search for him or wonder why he disappears in the house every hour. I dont confront him coming home drunk and even when he is slurring his words to say to him you have been drinking. I know he has been drinking and there is no point having any conversation with him. I will walk out of the room and detach. I dont search the house or car for his liquor. I assume its there. No need to look. Its his business. I dont talk to him about anything important with the house and kids. I know his mind is not a good source to help make a good decision. I make all the decisions. I dont fix him. I give it to God and trusts him.
The only thing that is hard living with the A, no matter how many slogans I use and follow the rules of engagement, is that it wears me out. Emotionally and mentally, I have to perform Everything to keep me and my kids safe. It is a lot of mental storage just to this problem plus add on life.
I understand how much having an addict in my life causes so much pain and suffering. I understand Alanon gives me strength and courage to make it another day.
When I get all this pain out, I can fill it with joy and happiness. I think I deserve some happy happy to invade my brain.
Aloha said
Apr 23, 2019
Hi Riley.
Venting, for me, absolutely is a part of my recovery. Bottling everything up is not healthy for me. It's just if I choose to stay in the role of victim that my recovery stalls.
But you know what? We all have to process things and take whatever needed actions we feel we can at our own pace. I don't feel like I accomplish much if I feel rushed through things. This is why in Al-Anon no one tells another what to do about their alcoholic and other big life decisions. The most we suggest is getting to meetings, working the steps with a sponsor, participating in service, and to just keep coming back. For the rest, we just ask the questions that help us make the right decisions for ourselves. We share our own experience, strength and hope. You have to live in your own skin and live with the consequences of your decisions. No one else. That's why you need to operate at your own pace.
I hear a lot of recovery in your message. You're applying what you do know to your life. Living with active alcoholism is ROUGH. Some people can find the way and they have peace in their lives. Parents of addicts and alcoholics live this every single day. I sometimes feel like those of us who are/were spouses of A's have it a little easier, as we can ultimately detach (ie: divorce, leave) if we feel that it's in our best interest, and eventually untangle our emotions from the A's. Parents, on the other hand, have deep-seeded attachment to their children. Of course they do! They were their guardians and protectors as necessary through most of their kids' developing years. That love is strong and makes detachment all the more tricky.
No one here is going to tell you you have to stay... or leave. You get to find out for yourself how to best take care of yourself and your serenity. And you get to do it in your timeframe. I promise you that no matter what it is you're doing, it's the right thing to do at that time. If there was a mistake, it was important because there was something you needed to learn from it. If it went successfully, it was important because you demonstrated new, healthy knowledge.
I'm glad you're here. Your answers will come. Keep coming back.
Lyne said
Apr 23, 2019
Hi Riley-Your plate sounds absolutely full and you are not walking an easy path. I do agree with Alohas points for the help alanon can give you, and folks here will not rush you or make you figure out your life. We can all relate to some or all parts of your share.
I was on a downward spiral until I let myself get involved with alanon. I resisted, especially F2F meetings, thinking I could fix things with minimal help. I was wrong, and now several years later I am happier and more sane. My A is even sober but thats a long story. You are right; you deserve a happy life and to be treated with respect. It all starts with you! Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 23, 2019
(((Riley))))
I must validate everything that Aloha responded.
That being said, I hear you... I FEEL you... b/c I was in your position. I bottled up ALL my feelings, and hid the dysfunction in my marriage from the world. It was emotionally and physically exhausting!! I then became I pro at my version of Detachment - must like yourself. Eventually I could no longer subject myself to a life based on detachment alone. Not to mention, my Kid did not have as good of detachment skills as I did, so it was wrong of me to think he wasn't being affected by that life. Also, there had been too many financial repercussions that I had to endure as being a part of that "team." I eventually had to admit to myself (then to my spouse) that I wanted more out of my life than my spouse could give me. I was ready to drop that rope!
But I too needed to write things out as part of my process of learning/growing. Sure, there was a couple people who reminded me to keep my focus on ME. But most here were very supportive and understanding of the need to "vent out your frustrations" as part of that process. But honestly, now that I look back at my postings, the longer the time away from the Addiction madness, the more healing I saw, and the less need to vent about my qualifier! So perhaps there is a correlation there... it doesn't matter. What matters is YOUR journey. We here have common threads in our journeys, but they are definitely our own individual paths.
I too, hear gobs of "recovery speak" in your post. You are on your path. Your journey has its own time-frame. Keep coming back, and keep sharing!
Remember, "Take what you want, and leave the rest."
Iamhere said
Apr 23, 2019
Hey Riley - I too hear you! I 100% agree that living with an active alcoholic is rough, rough, rough - too much for me to bear alone! It is all 'that' you describe that brought me to Al-Anon and my knees. I was the family manager, secretary, accountant, driver, shopper, etc. - I was doing it all and working full-time. Looking back, I am truly in awe of the job I did trying to manage it all! I do not think I have the drive/energy to do that again - in all honesty.
Al-Anon showed me that when I put myself first, and become a bit more sane, I can find an easier, softer way to live. A perfect example - I used to ask what time others wanted dinner, and then what sounded good and then made sure all were served before me.....not any more - today, I set the menu, I set the time and I serve myself first. Al-Anon showed me that I really deeply distorted what love, marriage, partner, mother, etc. 'was' and that I am really free to define/redefine what works for me/my family. Today, I actually let others know ahead of time that it's a YOYO night - You're On Your Own for Dinner. Al-Anon gave me the courage to be a part of vs. in charge of.
I 100% agree that venting is a purging part of recovery. Anger, frustration, sadness, etc. are all a normal part of our living experience - what I've learned in Al-Anon is to feel the feelings, learn the lessons and then let it go. I don't have to be angry all the time - I can be angry, vent, write about it, talk about it, pray about it and then let the anger go - release it and instead choose joy again. It is not necessary for me to be a perpetually angry woman because I am affected by this disease in another person! I really didn't know this or understand this until I got serious about Al-Anon and keeping my focus on me and what I can change (Serenity Prayer).
So - you get to do you in recovery. What works for you is what matters. The program is designed for anyone to participate who's got concerns about drinking in a family member of friend. There is no certificate, graduation, etc. - nobody is senior over another. We all do the best we can, one day at a time, and continue offering loving support as needed.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!
Bo said
Apr 24, 2019
For me, venting was NOT part of recovery. It was just venting. Period. Venting doesn't benefit me. What benefited me was -- going to meetings, doing my readings, working with my sponsor, a lot, in-between meetings...all of this is what I referred to as "doing the work"...and all of this still didn't benefit me...what it did was allow me to do the next thing, which not only benefited me, but saved my life, gave me my life back, and made me happy and healthy...so what was that next thing?
Doing the work...allowed me to MAKE CHANGE. I made decisions and changed my behavior, my thinking, my actions, my reactions, my mindset, my perspective...and more.
In my experience...this last step...this is what many people do not do.
Just my experience.
Bo said
Apr 24, 2019
In f2f alanon meetings, there is an expression...it goes like this...
NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.
What many people don't understand...that statement...is about YOU. Nothing will change unless YOU change.
We can't change anyone else. We can only change ourselves.
JerryF said
Apr 24, 2019
The program has so many tools and learning how to vent positively does help a lot and permits us time to heal so that we learn newer tools to use and practice. My sponsor taught me that if I didn't like what and how my efforts were coming out then to do the opposite of it and gain the opposite feelings and thoughts.
I didn't do anger well. I raged and raged out of control which brought the police and other public safety units to our door. It also almost ended with my alcoholic/addict wife loosing her life.
I learned the opposite of anger was acceptance; just of the fact of the situation and not the morality of it. the morality of it stopped when I stopped judging the addict/alcoholic and all others about what they were doing.
I don't often judge because I don't like the consequences on my body, mind and emotions. Practice, practice, practice. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Bo said
Apr 24, 2019
When I used to meet with, talk with, work with, my sponsor -- he would say to me, all the time (back then) -- are you "venting" or are you "dwelling" ??
In my experience...when one vents...there is a very valuable question to ask...TO WHAT END?
I used to "vent", under the guise of "letting go" -- but I wasn't really letting go. I used to vent, under the guise of it made me feel better -- but if it did, it was a fleeting moment. I ended up feeling worse. Why? Because I wasn't venting with a real purpose or intention or motivation to change, solve/resolve, make change, or make progress...I WAS DWELLING, I was MARINATING, I was ANALYZING, and so on.
I wanted to be heard, have people agree with me, justify being right, and more. To what end? Paralysis by analysis.
That's what I did. Then I actually, for real, did the work...and then I got better.
2HP said
Apr 24, 2019
When I got to Al-anon, old habits and solutions ran my life. If any of it had worked, I would have gotten better on my own.
By listening and learning in Al-anon, very gradually I began giving up old habits. By listening and learning, I noticed (as you may be noticing) there are many voices. Indeed our fellowship is just a myriad of voices, people sharing personal experience, strength and hope because that is the only true message to carry. Some voices offered idiot compassion (aka enabling) telling me what I wanted to hear, keeping me right within my comfort zone.
And others were extremely harsh, I went home in tears. Even though I favored gentle voices as a beginner, I know that I would never have gotten to where I am today if I hadn't been challenged by those who grew tired of my victimhood and gifted me with a swift kick in the rear. I have benefitted from both.
It taught me to get comfortable with the uncomfortable which helped me because life went on long after my divorce from an alcoholic. Life can still be uncomfortable, I still can't get people to act the way I want them to act, hahaha!
But I dont have to make myself a victim anymore. I can always take what I like and leave the rest... sometimes I can't digest something I might be choking on today. I honor where I'm at. it's good. and totally okay!!
EASY DOES IT. Recovery is indeed about change but change does not come overnight. For me, change looks more like the PeeWee Hermann Tequila dance, a few steps forward and a few steps back. it's okay. we just do what we can, just for today.
Some purging?? sure, we've all done it!
Some letting go, letting go, letting go ??
Absolutely, that is a life in recovery. The goal is keeping an open mind and never say "never." Letting Go will result in more peace, joy and freedom. My brain never gains anything from my helpless wishes, I have to practice something different.
Only when we feel ready... we climb the mountain.... just one piton at a time (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 24th of April 2019 11:23:12 AM
Venting, for me, absolutely is a part of my recovery. Bottling everything up is not healthy for me. It's just if I choose to stay in the role of victim that my recovery stalls.
But you know what? We all have to process things and take whatever needed actions we feel we can at our own pace. I don't feel like I accomplish much if I feel rushed through things. This is why in Al-Anon no one tells another what to do about their alcoholic and other big life decisions. The most we suggest is getting to meetings, working the steps with a sponsor, participating in service, and to just keep coming back. For the rest, we just ask the questions that help us make the right decisions for ourselves. We share our own experience, strength and hope. You have to live in your own skin and live with the consequences of your decisions. No one else. That's why you need to operate at your own pace.
I hear a lot of recovery in your message. You're applying what you do know to your life. Living with active alcoholism is ROUGH. Some people can find the way and they have peace in their lives. Parents of addicts and alcoholics live this every single day. I sometimes feel like those of us who are/were spouses of A's have it a little easier, as we can ultimately detach (ie: divorce, leave) if we feel that it's in our best interest, and eventually untangle our emotions from the A's. Parents, on the other hand, have deep-seeded attachment to their children. Of course they do! They were their guardians and protectors as necessary through most of their kids' developing years. That love is strong and makes detachment all the more tricky.
No one here is going to tell you you have to stay... or leave. You get to find out for yourself how to best take care of yourself and your serenity. And you get to do it in your timeframe. I promise you that no matter what it is you're doing, it's the right thing to do at that time. If there was a mistake, it was important because there was something you needed to learn from it. If it went successfully, it was important because you demonstrated new, healthy knowledge.
I'm glad you're here. Your answers will come. Keep coming back.
I was on a downward spiral until I let myself get involved with alanon. I resisted, especially F2F meetings, thinking I could fix things with minimal help. I was wrong, and now several years later I am happier and more sane. My A is even sober but thats a long story. You are right; you deserve a happy life and to be treated with respect. It all starts with you! Lyne
(((Riley))))
I must validate everything that Aloha responded.
That being said, I hear you... I FEEL you... b/c I was in your position. I bottled up ALL my feelings, and hid the dysfunction in my marriage from the world. It was emotionally and physically exhausting!! I then became I pro at my version of Detachment - must like yourself. Eventually I could no longer subject myself to a life based on detachment alone. Not to mention, my Kid did not have as good of detachment skills as I did, so it was wrong of me to think he wasn't being affected by that life. Also, there had been too many financial repercussions that I had to endure as being a part of that "team." I eventually had to admit to myself (then to my spouse) that I wanted more out of my life than my spouse could give me. I was ready to drop that rope!
But I too needed to write things out as part of my process of learning/growing. Sure, there was a couple people who reminded me to keep my focus on ME. But most here were very supportive and understanding of the need to "vent out your frustrations" as part of that process. But honestly, now that I look back at my postings, the longer the time away from the Addiction madness, the more healing I saw, and the less need to vent about my qualifier! So perhaps there is a correlation there... it doesn't matter. What matters is YOUR journey. We here have common threads in our journeys, but they are definitely our own individual paths.
I too, hear gobs of "recovery speak" in your post. You are on your path. Your journey has its own time-frame. Keep coming back, and keep sharing!
Remember, "Take what you want, and leave the rest."
Al-Anon showed me that when I put myself first, and become a bit more sane, I can find an easier, softer way to live. A perfect example - I used to ask what time others wanted dinner, and then what sounded good and then made sure all were served before me.....not any more - today, I set the menu, I set the time and I serve myself first. Al-Anon showed me that I really deeply distorted what love, marriage, partner, mother, etc. 'was' and that I am really free to define/redefine what works for me/my family. Today, I actually let others know ahead of time that it's a YOYO night - You're On Your Own for Dinner. Al-Anon gave me the courage to be a part of vs. in charge of.
I 100% agree that venting is a purging part of recovery. Anger, frustration, sadness, etc. are all a normal part of our living experience - what I've learned in Al-Anon is to feel the feelings, learn the lessons and then let it go. I don't have to be angry all the time - I can be angry, vent, write about it, talk about it, pray about it and then let the anger go - release it and instead choose joy again. It is not necessary for me to be a perpetually angry woman because I am affected by this disease in another person! I really didn't know this or understand this until I got serious about Al-Anon and keeping my focus on me and what I can change (Serenity Prayer).
So - you get to do you in recovery. What works for you is what matters. The program is designed for anyone to participate who's got concerns about drinking in a family member of friend. There is no certificate, graduation, etc. - nobody is senior over another. We all do the best we can, one day at a time, and continue offering loving support as needed.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!
Doing the work...allowed me to MAKE CHANGE. I made decisions and changed my behavior, my thinking, my actions, my reactions, my mindset, my perspective...and more.
In my experience...this last step...this is what many people do not do.
Just my experience.
NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.
What many people don't understand...that statement...is about YOU. Nothing will change unless YOU change.
We can't change anyone else. We can only change ourselves.
The program has so many tools and learning how to vent positively does help a lot and permits us time to heal so that we learn newer tools to use and practice. My sponsor taught me that if I didn't like what and how my efforts were coming out then to do the opposite of it and gain the opposite feelings and thoughts.
I didn't do anger well. I raged and raged out of control which brought the police and other public safety units to our door. It also almost ended with my alcoholic/addict wife loosing her life.
I learned the opposite of anger was acceptance; just of the fact of the situation and not the morality of it. the morality of it stopped when I stopped judging the addict/alcoholic and all others about what they were doing.
I don't often judge because I don't like the consequences on my body, mind and emotions. Practice, practice, practice. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
In my experience...when one vents...there is a very valuable question to ask...TO WHAT END?
I used to "vent", under the guise of "letting go" -- but I wasn't really letting go. I used to vent, under the guise of it made me feel better -- but if it did, it was a fleeting moment. I ended up feeling worse. Why? Because I wasn't venting with a real purpose or intention or motivation to change, solve/resolve, make change, or make progress...I WAS DWELLING, I was MARINATING, I was ANALYZING, and so on.
I wanted to be heard, have people agree with me, justify being right, and more. To what end? Paralysis by analysis.
That's what I did. Then I actually, for real, did the work...and then I got better.
When I got to Al-anon, old habits and solutions ran my life. If any of it had worked, I would have gotten better on my own.
By listening and learning in Al-anon, very gradually I began giving up old habits. By listening and learning, I noticed (as you may be noticing) there are many voices. Indeed our fellowship is just a myriad of voices, people sharing personal experience, strength and hope because that is the only true message to carry. Some voices offered idiot compassion (aka enabling) telling me what I wanted to hear, keeping me right within my comfort zone.
And others were extremely harsh, I went home in tears. Even though I favored gentle voices as a beginner, I know that I would never have gotten to where I am today if I hadn't been challenged by those who grew tired of my victimhood and gifted me with a swift kick in the rear. I have benefitted from both.
It taught me to get comfortable with the uncomfortable which helped me because life went on long after my divorce from an alcoholic. Life can still be uncomfortable, I still can't get people to act the way I want them to act, hahaha!
But I dont have to make myself a victim anymore. I can always take what I like and leave the rest... sometimes I can't digest something I might be choking on today. I honor where I'm at. it's good. and totally okay!!
EASY DOES IT. Recovery is indeed about change but change does not come overnight. For me, change looks more like the PeeWee Hermann Tequila dance, a few steps forward and a few steps back. it's okay. we just do what we can, just for today.
Some purging?? sure, we've all done it!
Some letting go, letting go, letting go ??
Absolutely, that is a life in recovery. The goal is keeping an open mind and never say "never." Letting Go will result in more peace, joy and freedom. My brain never gains anything from my helpless wishes, I have to practice something different.
Only when we feel ready... we climb the mountain.... just one piton at a time (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 24th of April 2019 11:23:12 AM