I am married to a recovering alcoholic/addict who has been sober for a year and a half. He occasionally still plus music on the side (he has a full time day job but he used to be just a night time bar musician.) whenever he plays at a certain bar I get very nervous. And last time
He played there, two days ago, he relapsed. He was hungover and blaming me and our argument. Then he was crying and saying he was sorry. I am scared for our future. Ive never dated anyone with an addiction problem. Can someone please help me? How do I cope? How do I protect my own emotions? My home? My belongings and him when he is reckless? Im sure this will happen again. Any advice is very welcomed.
tiredtonite said
Apr 21, 2019
Hi Michelle welcome. The best suggestion I was given when I was living with an alcoholic/addict husband was to find in person Alanon, make as many meetings as I could and find an Alanon sponsor. I was slow to find a sponsor to work the program one to one with me but honestly the in person support was invaluable. It was an opportunity to sit with others, hear their shares, open up, get a hug, words of encouragement, some phone numbers of other people in Alanon to call at other times for support. There really are no "rules" as to how to work this program but with the help of a good Alanon sponsor we can reason things out as they come up situation by situation and find answers that work best for our own life situation. In every marriage /relationship, there are two complex, unique and emotional human beings. Alcoholism presents differently from person to person. People's motivations differ, fears and living arrangements. I hope through more sharing, reading here and meetings and through guidance of your higher power you'll be able to take the next right action concerning finances and your relationship. Keep coming back. ((hugs)) TT
Lyne said
Apr 21, 2019
Welcome Michelle-I think tiredtonight put things in excellent perspective. I am also married to an A, now sober for close to two years but my trust is broken, and slowly but slowly we are attempting to regain some healthy thread in this marriage of almost 28 years. I dont know where I would be if I hadnt tried alanon. I was severely lost and beaten down. I can only suggest following the advice tt gave above. It has worked for me, Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 21, 2019
((((Michelle))))
All my support to you! This disease is almost impossible to live with... for some, like myself, it IS impossible. HOWEVER, what TT said was spot on! Al-Anon and a good sponsor will help you navigate your way through the fear and uncertainty. You will be supported by people who have been in your position and have come out whole on the other side!
You will learn and believe: You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it - Known as The Three C's in these here parts!
Al-Anon members do not give advice... but we can share our Experience, Strength and Hope (ESH).
My ESH is 1) Protect your finances - my family was rendered penniless 2 times by my qualifier!
2). Protect yourself - make sure you have a plan B... and maybe C. In some states, if married, you will be legally and financially responsible for your spouse's drunken exploits.
3). Learn all you can about the NEW research on addiction. It is not only enlightening, but can help you understand some of the inexplicable behaviors you will encounter. It can also help you find out if you can ACCEPT your spouse just as his is... with addiction as part of his life.
I wish for you strength. This is a difficult road... but many here (and at my meetings) continue to live with and love their qualifiers!
Peace!
JerryF said
Apr 21, 2019
Aloha Michelle and welcome to the MIP Family. Sorry you are going thru what your are going thru yet most all of us have been where you are at now, mind, body, spirit and emotions. This disease is not cureable so we cannot cure your alcoholic/addict partner. As has been mentioned we will share our ESH, Experiences, Strengths and Hopes with you to hopefully encourage you to try what we have done and by it found peace of mind and serenity.
A relapse is wicked. I went thru it personally myself and with my alcoholic/addict wife. The disease counts the days that pass without drinking and using along with the numbers of drinks and hits that a missed and when the addict returns to drinking and using it plays "catch-up" trying to fill the empty spaces. Many drinker and/or users will die during a relapse, this is a fatal disease.
If your husband has been in recovery point him to where that was at and who was there to help him, turn him over to the God of your understanding and step out of the way. I am sure he still has memory and can remember the path back though he might not like it.
In the same time find out were we get together in your neighborhood, come out as quickly and often as you can and keep coming back here also. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Apr 21, 2019
Michelle - hello and welcome to MIP. So glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I too am sorry about what brings you here and know from experience that relapse is so, so very difficult. In Al-Anon, we don't give advice, but share our own ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope). My experience is that relapse happens and it hurts 'us' deeply. For me, I don't know that there's anything worse than watching someone I love self-destruct which is what relapse feels/looks like to me.
What Al-Anon has taught me is that relapse does happen, and no matter what comes next, I am completely and totally powerless. I can cry, scream, threaten, sulk, shout, silent treatment - it really doesn't matter what I do or how I react, I am still powerless. My loved one will either return to recovery or will not, and I have to find a way to return to my own serene, happy place.
Alcoholism/addiction is a disease, progressive in nature, and as Jerry suggests - has no cure. Many recover who are willing to work on 'it' and 'treat it', and many do not. There's no magic solution on who will be/stay sober vs. who will not. AA is one choice of a recovery model for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is for concerned family members and friends. In Al-Anon recovery, we find like-minded people who truly understand what we are going through, and work on personal recovery putting ourselves first.
I hope you will seek out and attend some local meetings. It was a game changer for me when I was ready and truly in need of support. The future is unknown to all of us, so we work to live one day at a time. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
Bo said
Apr 22, 2019
Michelle4839 wrote:
I am married to a recovering alcoholic/addict who has been sober for a year and a half. He occasionally still plus music on the side (he has a full time day job but he used to be just a night time bar musician.) whenever he plays at a certain bar I get very nervous. And last time
He played there, two days ago, he relapsed. He was hungover and blaming me and our argument. Then he was crying and saying he was sorry. I am scared for our future. Ive never dated anyone with an addiction problem. Can someone please help me? How do I cope? How do I protect my own emotions? My home? My belongings and him when he is reckless? Im sure this will happen again. Any advice is very welcomed.
How to "deal with" relapse. That seems like such a simple question, but in my experience it's not. If someone was a newcomer, beginner, had not yet found recovery, my answer would be one thing. If the person was in recovery, had already been in alanon, going to f2f meetings for many years, it would be something different.
More importantly -- when someone says or asks "how do I deal with" -- I always respond with a question. That question is -- what does "deal with" mean to you? What do you mean when you say "deal with" -- what does "deal with" look like to you? What do you want to do? When someone gets a handle on, gets clarity around, what they want to do -- then the answers come.
When someone comes to alanon, and immerses themselves in the first 3 steps, then the answers come. For me, I was able to deal with anything and everything...AFTER...Acceptance, surrender, and letting go.
So, practical application, real world, living -- and not the warm and fuzzy, vague and ambiguous esoteric stuff -- first, ACCEPTANCE. You are powerless. There is nothing you can do about him relapsing or not relapsing. NOTHING. Period. Surrender to that. Then let it go. That will allow you to -- and this is critical to YOU getting better, and getting healthy -- NOT ENGAGE in the arguments, the back and forth, the ping pong match, and it will allow you to NOT BE ON THE ROLLER COASTER. He played in a certain place...and you were nervous...BANG! There it is. Acceptance. There's what can set you free from being nervous, or at least not allow the nervousness to consume you.
Don't get into the tug of war with the alcoholic...YOU CANNOT WIN. There is no winning. Winning is done by you not engaging. You win your sanity, health, well-being, and so much more...that's what you win back!
Go to face to face alanon meetings!!! As many as you can. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work (meaning embrace the alanon program and start working the program). All the best.
I am married to a recovering alcoholic/addict who has been sober for a year and a half. He occasionally still plus music on the side (he has a full time day job but he used to be just a night time bar musician.) whenever he plays at a certain bar I get very nervous. And last time
He played there, two days ago, he relapsed. He was hungover and blaming me and our argument. Then he was crying and saying he was sorry. I am scared for our future. Ive never dated anyone with an addiction problem. Can someone please help me? How do I cope? How do I protect my own emotions? My home? My belongings and him when he is reckless? Im sure this will happen again. Any advice is very welcomed.
((((Michelle))))
All my support to you! This disease is almost impossible to live with... for some, like myself, it IS impossible. HOWEVER, what TT said was spot on! Al-Anon and a good sponsor will help you navigate your way through the fear and uncertainty. You will be supported by people who have been in your position and have come out whole on the other side!
You will learn and believe: You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it - Known as The Three C's in these here parts!
Al-Anon members do not give advice... but we can share our Experience, Strength and Hope (ESH).
My ESH is 1) Protect your finances - my family was rendered penniless 2 times by my qualifier!
2). Protect yourself - make sure you have a plan B... and maybe C. In some states, if married, you will be legally and financially responsible for your spouse's drunken exploits.
3). Learn all you can about the NEW research on addiction. It is not only enlightening, but can help you understand some of the inexplicable behaviors you will encounter. It can also help you find out if you can ACCEPT your spouse just as his is... with addiction as part of his life.
I wish for you strength. This is a difficult road... but many here (and at my meetings) continue to live with and love their qualifiers!
Peace!
Aloha Michelle and welcome to the MIP Family. Sorry you are going thru what your are going thru yet most all of us have been where you are at now, mind, body, spirit and emotions. This disease is not cureable so we cannot cure your alcoholic/addict partner. As has been mentioned we will share our ESH, Experiences, Strengths and Hopes with you to hopefully encourage you to try what we have done and by it found peace of mind and serenity.
A relapse is wicked. I went thru it personally myself and with my alcoholic/addict wife. The disease counts the days that pass without drinking and using along with the numbers of drinks and hits that a missed and when the addict returns to drinking and using it plays "catch-up" trying to fill the empty spaces. Many drinker and/or users will die during a relapse, this is a fatal disease.
If your husband has been in recovery point him to where that was at and who was there to help him, turn him over to the God of your understanding and step out of the way. I am sure he still has memory and can remember the path back though he might not like it.
In the same time find out were we get together in your neighborhood, come out as quickly and often as you can and keep coming back here also. ((((hugs))))
What Al-Anon has taught me is that relapse does happen, and no matter what comes next, I am completely and totally powerless. I can cry, scream, threaten, sulk, shout, silent treatment - it really doesn't matter what I do or how I react, I am still powerless. My loved one will either return to recovery or will not, and I have to find a way to return to my own serene, happy place.
Alcoholism/addiction is a disease, progressive in nature, and as Jerry suggests - has no cure. Many recover who are willing to work on 'it' and 'treat it', and many do not. There's no magic solution on who will be/stay sober vs. who will not. AA is one choice of a recovery model for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is for concerned family members and friends. In Al-Anon recovery, we find like-minded people who truly understand what we are going through, and work on personal recovery putting ourselves first.
I hope you will seek out and attend some local meetings. It was a game changer for me when I was ready and truly in need of support. The future is unknown to all of us, so we work to live one day at a time. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
How to "deal with" relapse. That seems like such a simple question, but in my experience it's not. If someone was a newcomer, beginner, had not yet found recovery, my answer would be one thing. If the person was in recovery, had already been in alanon, going to f2f meetings for many years, it would be something different.
More importantly -- when someone says or asks "how do I deal with" -- I always respond with a question. That question is -- what does "deal with" mean to you? What do you mean when you say "deal with" -- what does "deal with" look like to you? What do you want to do? When someone gets a handle on, gets clarity around, what they want to do -- then the answers come.
When someone comes to alanon, and immerses themselves in the first 3 steps, then the answers come. For me, I was able to deal with anything and everything...AFTER...Acceptance, surrender, and letting go.
So, practical application, real world, living -- and not the warm and fuzzy, vague and ambiguous esoteric stuff -- first, ACCEPTANCE. You are powerless. There is nothing you can do about him relapsing or not relapsing. NOTHING. Period. Surrender to that. Then let it go. That will allow you to -- and this is critical to YOU getting better, and getting healthy -- NOT ENGAGE in the arguments, the back and forth, the ping pong match, and it will allow you to NOT BE ON THE ROLLER COASTER. He played in a certain place...and you were nervous...BANG! There it is. Acceptance. There's what can set you free from being nervous, or at least not allow the nervousness to consume you.
Don't get into the tug of war with the alcoholic...YOU CANNOT WIN. There is no winning. Winning is done by you not engaging. You win your sanity, health, well-being, and so much more...that's what you win back!
Go to face to face alanon meetings!!! As many as you can. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work (meaning embrace the alanon program and start working the program). All the best.