My ex-AH, and my child's dad, died of alcoholism a year ago this season.  He had stopped drinking about six months before, but the side effects were irreversible and one of them got him. 

(Although he was a secretive drinker, we know he was not drinking because he had recently moved and there were no bottles at his new place.  This would have been unheard of formerly - he was never together enough to get rid of bottles.)

Although he was not drinking at the time of his death, his life was not together.  I think he had some neurological damage from the drinking.  He was living in almost tragic conditions.  I didn't realize quite how bad until he died - we were friendly but he kept me at arm's length.

Our child is his only heir and so we have all his stuff that couldn't be thrown out - important papers, heirlooms, etc.  It is boxed up and filling all my storage spaces.

I was trying to go through it and I was just crying too much.  So much potential wasted, so many hopes reflected in his letters and papers and plans. But the lawyer needs me to find certain papers and so I have to do it.  It is pretty overwhelming.

Meanwhile an old friend succumbed to relapse and disappeared, I think to go on binges.  This is someone who had 20+ years of sobriety.  He lost a lot of friends in his relapse, behaving badly, before disappearing.

And now it turns out that two close friends of mine have also succumbed to alcoholism.  I've known both of them since a time when they never even drank.  The signs are not so good for either of them.  Denial, blackouts, etc.  What a powerful, terrible disease.  I wish I could banish addiction from the face of the earth.  So many people that now have to be detached from - a real loss for me and a sad step for them.

It's hard to stay courageous and optimistic right now, with all the sadness and loss around me.

I am heartened by all of us practicing our recovery, whether from alcoholism, from co-dependence, or whatever.  Trying to look at the good side, but sometimes it's hard, you know?  I'm not in crisis or anything, just having feelings.

((Mattie))) you are not alone,  I so understand your pain  and sadness.  This is indeed a dreadful disease.  Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way 

 I grieve for the person- and the person they might have been...

 some of us are in a network of family and friends where the disease is everywhere... there does seem to be no end to it...  ...

 I find it healthy to grieve properly- to let it out- and to reach out.

 Unless people do this there is very little hope...  thanks, Mattie...

Hello Mattie.  At times I look around and things seem so bleak.  I allow myself time to brood and sink into my feelings, but try not to linger there for too long.  There are also miracles that have occurred, even if I havent seen one for awhile. I am so sorry you are in this place for now.  We so understand!

Sending you prayers and healing thoughts,

Ellen

((((Mattie)))) that share makes my chest tight from the re-occurring thoughts and feelings having lived with the disease myself.  Early on my sponsor suggested that I find and use everything I could to come to understand our disease which included me signing into college.  I was horrified to learn the information between "a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body" we use to read before our meetings.  

This I decided was much more then just a disease; it was a volunteered for death sentence.  I listened to the stories of many families and individuals caught up within our insanity and inventoried my own experiences over and over before finally arriving at the title of your post here...Just a lot of sadness...and Madness.

The definition of alcoholism we use to read also includes the wisdom, "it can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence." I cheer when the total abstinence comes during life and touch with sadness and hope when it doesn't.  

Step 2 is part and parcel of my recovery hope as it keeps me focused on sobriety and serenity.   

Thanks for your share.   ((((hugs)))) 

(((Mattie))) Prayers for you and your child as you feel deal and heal from this loss. TT

Hugs Mattie....

I think it ends up being a bit of a balance, as we can find our emotions pulled down by witnessing these relapses, but we can also get energized and uplifted by hearing our wondrous stories of perseverance and arresting this disease - both with us AlAnoners, as well as our respective A's.

My ex-AW is a good case in point....  She is over 16 years sober now, and very solid in her program....  she returned to being a good Mom to our two children, and has earned her life back.  She respects her disease a LOT, and knows she is making the right decision, every day, to remain sober. 

Regards,

Tom