It seems like a silly thing to do on an online message board, right? Talk about face-to-face meetings.
Posting about my life on a message board like this means utmost anonymity - I guarantee that, especially if I'm extremely cautious about what details I share about my personal life.
When I went back through my history on this board, I actually discovered I'd posted here before things went haywire with my exA. Meaning - I was seeking help but definitely didn't think I had such a big problem that I needed to get in front of a group of people in person and discuss it.
But long and short of it, the alcoholic in my life progressed in his disease. We came to a crisis. He started going to AA. In so doing, he encouraged me to go to Al-Anon. I was open to it. If he was putting in the effort to go to meetings, so could I. I was lucky enough that there was a beginner's meeting in the same facility at the same time as an AA beginner's meeting.
I kept going to those face-to-face meetings. I started with the beginner's meetings then branched out to others in the area, and started finding some that resonated with me. I later remembered this message board so I put Miracles In Progress into my recovery tool-belt and would come here to vent and reason things out when a meeting wasn't available, or my sponsor wasn't available. Sometimes even when I wasn't feeling quite ready to talk with my sponsor. I wanted to get my head clear on a couple things before we talked. This was a safe place to do so.
I felt supported here at MIP, absolutely. No one told me "kick the bum out!" or "You should know better!"
But what I didn't get out of MIP were the unspoken messages I only receive from being in the physical presence of other people. Their body language. Hearing others laugh with me when I would catch on to my mind taking me on a ride on the crazy-train. Watching people nod in understanding. Seeing the quiet smiles or the looks of sympathy and understanding in their eyes. The gentle pats and squeezes on my shoulder when I was distraught. The hugs - ooooh the hugs - sometimes having people lining up to hug me. ME! (Bear in mind I used to also think I wasn't really worthy of such affection.) And then having the option to do the same for others - give them hugs, laugh with them, cry with them. and listen to their words of hope and wisdom as they worked through living with the disease of alcoholism as well as share my own experiences.
Eventually fellowship added itself to my recovery tool kit. My self-esteem grew as members invited me to go have coffee or a bite to eat after the meeting... before the meeting. And then eventually some of us started joining each other for walks, meeting for lunch. Groups of us would get together just to go watch a movie, or spend the day at the beach. I stopped feeling so alone - like everything was up to me. I started trusting that I truly had people in my life who cared about me and they showed it with their words and actions. My recovery family expanded out to members of AA as well as Al-Anon. I felt truly loved. I have close friends in my life now who "get it" when I talk about personal struggles.
Part of my disease involves isolating. When I get really unhappy, discontent, sad, depressed, I want to hide. I don't want to "deal with" other people. I don't want people to see how broken I am. I fear they're going to try to fix me, tell me what I'm doing wrong, how messed up I am, judge me. I want to disappear. But through growing in the program and fellowship, I made friends with people who would hold me accountable. Check in on me. And I was -- AM -- super blessed to have a sponsor who told me I need to get to meetings. I cannot skip them for weeks on end. She lovingly told me she wouldn't be able to help me if I wasn't willing to do the footwork - and sometimes that footwork meant walking into a meeting. (three or more a week if I wanted growth)
This is why I love face-to-face meetings, and why I encourage them. The isolation thing is a big deal to me, too. I sometimes feel like if I relied solely on a single message board, I would stay stuck. It's easy. I don't have to go anywhere or have anyone actually see me. Change takes courage. It means getting out of my comfort zone.
That said, I am glad MIP is here - most especially for those who are just absolutely unable to get to a meeting because life circumstances prevent that. I understand there are phone meetings, as well, and I wouldn't be surprised if there were face-time/skype meetings, too. But I encourage anyone here who is not hindered to give face-to-face meetings a chance. If you're lucky you'll find the kind of support and fellowship that Al-Anon has made available to hundreds of thousands of people all over the world.
Thanks for letting me share.
Freetime said
Apr 17, 2019
Aloha, I love how you captured the magic of fellowship in face-to-face meetings. That has been my experience, too -- and I appreciate the opportunity to hug and be hugged.
I am grateful that I do not have to choose between face-to-face and MIP or other technology-based fellowships. I happily do both. If I wanted to, in my area I could attend multiple meetings every day of the week. And MIP is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
I hope anyone who has hesitated to walk into a meeting will read your wonderful post.
hotrod said
Apr 17, 2019
Thank you Aloha for this topic i too once liked to isolate. By attending alanon face to face meetings. I discovered the tremendous benefit of sharing my life and thoughts with other like minded fellows . The support, understanding and non judgmental attitudes that I found surely helped me to grow and thrive I too encourage face to face meetings.
Iamhere said
Apr 17, 2019
Lovely, lovely share Aloha! I could not have said it as well as you did so thank you! I so agree with you on all fronts. I have a large family, a large softball family, a large golf family and a super-sized recovery family. It is my recovery family I turn to most often when 'life' happens. I would not have them/that if I had not found the courage to attend F2F meetings, with an open mind listening for the similarities. I am so, so grateful for the gentleness Al-Anon stresses to us - I truly arrived feeling broken, and if someone had started barking orders or directives at me, I do feel I would have shattered.
I am so grateful for my journey and each step of it, and MIP is an awesome go-to tool for me too! I did twice daily meetings here + local F2 Meetings when going through extremely difficult times and the combination saved my sanity daily, one day at a time.
I do not turn away from any suggestion for growth in my life. I have learned in Al-Anon to set aside all that 'I think I know', and try new things/ideas. It's been a game changer for me, and I am thrilled that my HP opened my eyes to a new way of living, exploring and being!
Great topic and perfect reminder...(((Hugs)))
DavidG said
Apr 17, 2019
Aroha... I work Alanon and ACA as well. Just lately I have been going to an Alanon F2F meeting.
I tend to treat MIP Alanon as another meeting... one of the strengths here is that it draws members- at all stages of recovery-
and from all over the world. I know some members here personally- I know where they live... but I maintain strict anonimity here,
when sharing on the board, and use their nicknames- unless everyone knows their first name.
I had trouble with my home group- and found that MIP Alanon was not an agony aunt. And MIP Alanon did not have a hotline
to Alanon GSO. I needed to work the issues out for myself- and I was pointed in this direction- day by day.
When new members arrive here- I assume they have come here for a reason. And if they become welcome, and stay, the reasons
will surface- in their own time- and people will find answers. If someone needs a sponsor, or go see a F2F group they will. If they
decide to stay on here, that is good too. ...
Lovely share, my friend- with oodles of gratitude for Alanon... ...
ginnyc said
Apr 18, 2019
Hello I understand completely the isolation mode and how it such a big part of my disease. One of my defense mechanisms growing up in a alcoholic home was to live in a fantasy world. This enabled me to tolerate a seemingly intolerable situation and not be a part of it. I could retreat to my fantasy life. Today as an adult I no longer do that however I can retreat and not face other people when it seems to uncomfortable. So yes face to face meetings are very important in my recovery.
Riley3 said
Apr 18, 2019
I come from such a bad childhood that I dont trust people. Although I know people are important and bring joy to my life with words of wisdom. I have gone to face to face meetings. Sometimes I just cant handle the emotional content at home and then the emotional content of a meeting. I need zen talk about nothing. Maybe this is my denial. But I freak out when I really see what kind of life is staring at me then my mind gets flustered and I cant figure out my next move. Sometimes I need to write my thoughts down to a group of people who understand the crazy world that I live. I feel their love, hope, and strength. I feel the validation I am not alone.
I cant wait till I get out of the survival mode with the A. I Will never trust him even if he got sober. One time is enough for me. I have learned I dont want to be treated this way ever again nor to be fooled by sobriety.
Bo said
Apr 18, 2019
First, when discussing f2f meetings vs. any forum that is not f2f, such as this one -- my position is -- to each their own. Whatever works best for you, so be it.
However, when I look at what works for me, my experience, what I've seen and heard, for over 30 years in self-work, help, recovery, and life...I do not think one can neglect or even discount how alanon -- as a program -- is structured, designed, exists, etc. First and foremost, alanon is a program of fellowship. Period. It was designed, and exists, for people to share their common problems, ailments, issues, and so on. Sharing, vis a vis fellowship has an intra- and inter-personal element. It involves camaraderie, intimacy, friendship, bonding, and so much more -- which cannot exist in a dead medium. There is even a difference between over the phone and in person.
If there are no meetings where someone lives, I get it. No discussion needed. Then you take and use what is available to you. My second choice would be telephone meetings -- and alanon world services provides a schedule for them, and like with f2f meetings, they are the same day, same time, every week. A telephone meeting, voice to voice, personal, hearing someone, talking to someone, on a personal, meaningful level -- in a way that cannot be done in a dead medium -- to me is the next best thing to a f2f meeting. I've "attended" telephone meetings. However, if f2f meetings exist, IMO, it is exponentially more beneficial than simply a BB, chatroom, list-serv, or whatever else there is via technology and dead medium. If you don't like f2f meetings, if you think a BB or list-serv or a chatroom is better -- so be it. That's fine. To each their own. Some people like chocolate, some people like vanilla, and some people don't like ice cream! LOL.
However anyone gets better, doesn't matter. As long as they get better. Whatever anyone's recovery looks like or is, doesn't matter. Doing the work, to each their own.
Bo said
Apr 18, 2019
I won't even speak to the isolation mode. Forget about isolation -- if someone doesn't feel there is a difference, or there is no benefit to f2f meetings over a forum such as this. So be it. To each their own.
It seems like a silly thing to do on an online message board, right? Talk about face-to-face meetings.
Posting about my life on a message board like this means utmost anonymity - I guarantee that, especially if I'm extremely cautious about what details I share about my personal life.
When I went back through my history on this board, I actually discovered I'd posted here before things went haywire with my exA. Meaning - I was seeking help but definitely didn't think I had such a big problem that I needed to get in front of a group of people in person and discuss it.
But long and short of it, the alcoholic in my life progressed in his disease. We came to a crisis. He started going to AA. In so doing, he encouraged me to go to Al-Anon. I was open to it. If he was putting in the effort to go to meetings, so could I. I was lucky enough that there was a beginner's meeting in the same facility at the same time as an AA beginner's meeting.
I kept going to those face-to-face meetings. I started with the beginner's meetings then branched out to others in the area, and started finding some that resonated with me. I later remembered this message board so I put Miracles In Progress into my recovery tool-belt and would come here to vent and reason things out when a meeting wasn't available, or my sponsor wasn't available. Sometimes even when I wasn't feeling quite ready to talk with my sponsor. I wanted to get my head clear on a couple things before we talked. This was a safe place to do so.
I felt supported here at MIP, absolutely. No one told me "kick the bum out!" or "You should know better!"
But what I didn't get out of MIP were the unspoken messages I only receive from being in the physical presence of other people. Their body language. Hearing others laugh with me when I would catch on to my mind taking me on a ride on the crazy-train. Watching people nod in understanding. Seeing the quiet smiles or the looks of sympathy and understanding in their eyes. The gentle pats and squeezes on my shoulder when I was distraught. The hugs - ooooh the hugs - sometimes having people lining up to hug me. ME! (Bear in mind I used to also think I wasn't really worthy of such affection.) And then having the option to do the same for others - give them hugs, laugh with them, cry with them. and listen to their words of hope and wisdom as they worked through living with the disease of alcoholism as well as share my own experiences.
Eventually fellowship added itself to my recovery tool kit. My self-esteem grew as members invited me to go have coffee or a bite to eat after the meeting... before the meeting. And then eventually some of us started joining each other for walks, meeting for lunch. Groups of us would get together just to go watch a movie, or spend the day at the beach. I stopped feeling so alone - like everything was up to me. I started trusting that I truly had people in my life who cared about me and they showed it with their words and actions. My recovery family expanded out to members of AA as well as Al-Anon. I felt truly loved. I have close friends in my life now who "get it" when I talk about personal struggles.
Part of my disease involves isolating. When I get really unhappy, discontent, sad, depressed, I want to hide. I don't want to "deal with" other people. I don't want people to see how broken I am. I fear they're going to try to fix me, tell me what I'm doing wrong, how messed up I am, judge me. I want to disappear. But through growing in the program and fellowship, I made friends with people who would hold me accountable. Check in on me. And I was -- AM -- super blessed to have a sponsor who told me I need to get to meetings. I cannot skip them for weeks on end. She lovingly told me she wouldn't be able to help me if I wasn't willing to do the footwork - and sometimes that footwork meant walking into a meeting. (three or more a week if I wanted growth)
This is why I love face-to-face meetings, and why I encourage them. The isolation thing is a big deal to me, too. I sometimes feel like if I relied solely on a single message board, I would stay stuck. It's easy. I don't have to go anywhere or have anyone actually see me. Change takes courage. It means getting out of my comfort zone.
That said, I am glad MIP is here - most especially for those who are just absolutely unable to get to a meeting because life circumstances prevent that. I understand there are phone meetings, as well, and I wouldn't be surprised if there were face-time/skype meetings, too. But I encourage anyone here who is not hindered to give face-to-face meetings a chance. If you're lucky you'll find the kind of support and fellowship that Al-Anon has made available to hundreds of thousands of people all over the world.
Thanks for letting me share.
I am grateful that I do not have to choose between face-to-face and MIP or other technology-based fellowships. I happily do both. If I wanted to, in my area I could attend multiple meetings every day of the week. And MIP is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
I hope anyone who has hesitated to walk into a meeting will read your wonderful post.
I am so grateful for my journey and each step of it, and MIP is an awesome go-to tool for me too! I did twice daily meetings here + local F2 Meetings when going through extremely difficult times and the combination saved my sanity daily, one day at a time.
I do not turn away from any suggestion for growth in my life. I have learned in Al-Anon to set aside all that 'I think I know', and try new things/ideas. It's been a game changer for me, and I am thrilled that my HP opened my eyes to a new way of living, exploring and being!
Great topic and perfect reminder...(((Hugs)))
I tend to treat MIP Alanon as another meeting... one of the strengths here is that it draws members- at all stages of recovery-
and from all over the world. I know some members here personally- I know where they live... but I maintain strict anonimity here,
when sharing on the board, and use their nicknames- unless everyone knows their first name.
I had trouble with my home group- and found that MIP Alanon was not an agony aunt. And MIP Alanon did not have a hotline
to Alanon GSO. I needed to work the issues out for myself- and I was pointed in this direction- day by day.
When new members arrive here- I assume they have come here for a reason. And if they become welcome, and stay, the reasons
will surface- in their own time- and people will find answers. If someone needs a sponsor, or go see a F2F group they will. If they
decide to stay on here, that is good too.
...
Lovely share, my friend- with oodles of gratitude for Alanon...
...
However, when I look at what works for me, my experience, what I've seen and heard, for over 30 years in self-work, help, recovery, and life...I do not think one can neglect or even discount how alanon -- as a program -- is structured, designed, exists, etc. First and foremost, alanon is a program of fellowship. Period. It was designed, and exists, for people to share their common problems, ailments, issues, and so on. Sharing, vis a vis fellowship has an intra- and inter-personal element. It involves camaraderie, intimacy, friendship, bonding, and so much more -- which cannot exist in a dead medium. There is even a difference between over the phone and in person.
If there are no meetings where someone lives, I get it. No discussion needed. Then you take and use what is available to you. My second choice would be telephone meetings -- and alanon world services provides a schedule for them, and like with f2f meetings, they are the same day, same time, every week. A telephone meeting, voice to voice, personal, hearing someone, talking to someone, on a personal, meaningful level -- in a way that cannot be done in a dead medium -- to me is the next best thing to a f2f meeting. I've "attended" telephone meetings. However, if f2f meetings exist, IMO, it is exponentially more beneficial than simply a BB, chatroom, list-serv, or whatever else there is via technology and dead medium. If you don't like f2f meetings, if you think a BB or list-serv or a chatroom is better -- so be it. That's fine. To each their own. Some people like chocolate, some people like vanilla, and some people don't like ice cream! LOL.
However anyone gets better, doesn't matter. As long as they get better. Whatever anyone's recovery looks like or is, doesn't matter. Doing the work, to each their own.