Consistency and frequency to see growth in our program
Aloha said
Apr 12, 2019
Something I posted in another thread had me thinking about learning and failure and all that good stuff.
Essentially, in that other post, I reasoned out that for me, Al-Anon is a place where I get to learn how to take care of myself spiritually and emotionally.
I want to focus in on the "learn" portion of that line. Apparently it means something and HP wants to show me more about it because I've been working on learning a second language and I came across an article about this very thing - how consistency and frequency help lead a person to success.
(No, I'm not learning Japanese, but a message board on a language-learning site had this article linked in it.)
What is a "Three-Day Monk"? It's a Japanese term that means someone who is intensely hardcore, committed and righteous in a cause, only to fall back into old patterns after a relatively short time.
From the article:
I didn't stop. I didn't take a break from it. There was no time off; there was no holiday; there was no hiatus.
What my growth in Al-Anon looked like for me: On a daily basis I was picking up my daily reader, visiting this forum, getting to a meeting if it was available, reading AA's Big Book (to understand the disease of alcoholism), participate in service, and when my hair was on fire, I was picking up my phone and calling my sponsor on top of keeping regularly scheduled phone calls with my sponsor, as well.
If I stop - stop going to meetings, reading my literature, talking with my sponsor, etc. then my growth plateaus. Eventually it will start to backslide. If i miss a couple weeks of meeting, I start to get what I call "squirrely". It means I'm starting to regress. Yes, already. It happens that fast. It happened much, much faster when I was in my early recovery years. Even moreso because I was living with the active A.
From the article:
Stop stopping. Stopping is the worst thing. Stopping breaks your momentum. Stopping is the start of decay and regression. When you choose to stop, you set yourself the task not only of getting back up to the same speed as before but also to the same altitude. Each time you stop, you lengthen the road to [recovery]. When you stop, you quite literally become like Sisyphus: forever pushing the rock of your [recovery] up the hill, only to have it roll down each time you pause. And just like Sisyphus, you have to retread the same ground to get back up where you were. Always restoring, never progressing.
Eventually I had to ask myself: What was my priority? Was my sanity important enough to keep making the time to attend meetings, phone calls, participate in service, read and learn?
Now on to failure. So many give up the moment they make a mistake. One failure suddenly means that "this isn't working."
I can tell you if I gave up the first time I said "no" to the A and it backfired then I'd still be where I was before Al-Anon. I'd be uptight, stressed out, possibly even still with that same A. I'm only where I am today because I didn't give up, even when I screwed up. Mistakes are learning tools. I just took note of those particular mistakes and then tried something different the next time the situation presented itself. And living with active alcoholism means I got a LOT of new opportunities to do it different.
The light at the end of the tunnel:
Now, if you have stopped, don't worry, it's not the end of the world -- just leave stopping behind you for good! ...CONSISTENCY will win the day for you
I hope this made sense. If not... you know they saying. Take what you liked and leave the rest!
Aloha said
Apr 12, 2019
PS - I want to add here, like it's stated in the Big Book under "How it Works"
No one among us has been able to maintain perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
I've fumbled, I've backslided, I've been dishonest, I've kept secrets, I've ignored my recovery tools when I knew they were available. I don't maintain daily perfection. Absolutely not. But at the very least I've put in the effort to be consistent. And I'll emphasize again that at those times I did put in daily honest effort, my recovery progressed.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If I want to be able to have serenity in my life when alcoholism is present, then my recovery needs to be progressive.
El said
Apr 12, 2019
Wow- thank you so much Aloha. I havent read the article yet, but just your post alone was very powerful!
When I slack off or relax my recovery, I dont notice a difference immediately. I might shrug off my irritations, and judgements, and ill-will thinking. Then the insanity, chaos, obsession and knee-jerk responses come crashing in. I KNOW this is a life-long program and I see and appreciate the progress I have made.
Thank you again for this awesome post!
Bo said
Apr 12, 2019
Meeting makers make it.
We've all heard that catch-phrase/slogan, numerous times. However, understanding what the meaning is behind it is perhaps more important. Meeting makers don't make it JUST BECAUSE THEY ONLY GO TO MEETINGS. Meeting makers, people who go to meetings, consistently, regularly, people who "keep coming back" -- they not only go to meetings -- but they also do the work! Doing the work takes place OUTSIDE of meetings. They work the program.
Meeting makers -- go to meetings, they do their readings, they have a sponsor and talk to their sponsor, and work with their sponsor. They do the work!
Iamhere said
Apr 12, 2019
Great share Aloha - so, so, so true! I have gone through moments where I allowed 'life events' to take priority over me and my daily recovery efforts and like El, I don't see 'sudden change' but I can (hindsight) look back and recognize the insanity.
I love how also you make mention of "How it Works" from the Big Book. That entire section is fundamental to HOW it really works as it touches up Honesty, Open-Mindedness & Willingness. It was written way back at the start of the program, and is so worth a read for anyone, in any 12 Step program as it talks about the absolute fundamentals of recovery.
For me, it's the daily efforts I put in to enhance my spiritual condition. I make every effort to start with prayer and meditation and if I forget or get distracted, I start my day over. This reminds me who I am, what I am and what I inspire to be.
I do some reading each day, I visit MIP each day, I talk to several in recovery each day (sponsees/sponsor), and end my day with prayer/meditation/daily reflection.
I go to 2 meetings a week and host a couple of informal meetings with small groups. Meetings are awesome to enhance my spiritual condition and to be of service to the program and others in recovery.
I study/focus on Step One and Tradition One in January, and carry-on through out the year. I also select an annual theme to study/practice. My efforts try to incorporate the program basics and my desire to keep learning, growing, changing.
I have learned to keep it really simple as I can get all caught up in too many self-imposed rules. I lived my life that way for a long while, and it got me rigid, inflexible, anxious and a bit crazy. As the weather changes up, I also walk every morning with the God of my understanding and my sweet dog - it's my favorite part of the day!
Any effort is way better than no effort (what I tell myself when I needed in another location). I am able to do most of my daily recovery efforts any place, at any time, in any location - thanks to technology, phone numbers, etc. Love that we get to design our recovery efforts, practices, etc. in a manner that best suits us, at any stage or any age! I'll also keep coming back for a lifetime as it just keeps getting better!
Aloha said
Apr 13, 2019
Thank you. I was worrying that my thoughts might have come across sanctimonious. I'm glad it was received well.
Iamhere - the Big Book is just so amazing. I feel blessed I have a sponsor who insists on using it as I work the steps. CAL is invaluable, as well, but the Big Book just gets down to business and really speaks to the heart of my disease. I am not an alcoholic, but I do suffer from the family disease of alcoholism.
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 14, 2019
Aloha - I really connected with your post... because I too am learning a new language, but also because I really see value in the ideas of the article you posted. Before, I let my journey with Al-Anon slack off, then end altogether. Now I know better.
This reminds me of something I have experienced through my son (who has been like this since toddler-hood). He was/is a contemplator. He wasn't the type of kid who jumped right in. He would hang back and observe, then he would try...or not. Didn't matter what it was. That was his MO. But he also gave up right away if he couldn't do it the first time... or couldn't do it to the level he thought he required. I am not sure where he got this. I first thought he may have learned it from me, as I struggle with perfectionism (in myself). But then I remember two things: 1) He has done this since being a toddler, and 2) I don't give up easily. I "bulldog it" as they say. I dig in and really give it my all before I hand in the towel. So if anything, I can "hold on" for too long, or too tightly.
All through his life, I have counseled him about giving things a try, not expecting perfection, some things a person has a natural affinity for, other things need lots and lots of practice - all those kinds of guidance. To this day, I still don't understand the ease in which he gives up. Of course, because I am still working my program, I know that is not my issue to resolve! I work on accepting him for who he is.
So yes, your post made complete sense to me. Thank you for posting it!
Iamhere said
Apr 14, 2019
PnP - this has absolutely nothing to do with recovery, so off-topic for sure....many moons ago, when I was still in the professional world, we had a huge seminar on Birth Order Studies. It's worth a read if you truly want to better understand why your boy is as he is! It's not an exact science but there is a ton of information on First Born and their characteristics as well as Second Born, Third, etc. There are repeating tendencies in first born, opposite sex as well as tendencies for Only Child.
I worked for a super-sized company and we had tons of soft-skills and people-skills seminars/classes that were mandatory for management and up....of all the ones I had to sit through, this one stayed with me simply because it really summed up myself and my siblings very well - almost too well as if we were subjects for the presentation.
Just an offer as I know you (like me) are an answer-seeker!!!
Aloha - I too have a sponsor who believes deeply in using the Big Book. Of course, I am a double winner so it's as important to me as CAL. It is studying the AA Big Book as part of my Al-Anon recovery that I really accepted the disease concept in those I love, which led me to real growth, acceptance, empathy and compassion - a game changer in my journey! Good to know I am not alone!!
Something I posted in another thread had me thinking about learning and failure and all that good stuff.
Essentially, in that other post, I reasoned out that for me, Al-Anon is a place where I get to learn how to take care of myself spiritually and emotionally.
I want to focus in on the "learn" portion of that line. Apparently it means something and HP wants to show me more about it because I've been working on learning a second language and I came across an article about this very thing - how consistency and frequency help lead a person to success.
The article is titled "Are you a Three-Day Monk?" and can be found here: http://www.alljapaneseallthetime.com/blog/are-you-a-three-day-monk/
(No, I'm not learning Japanese, but a message board on a language-learning site had this article linked in it.)
What is a "Three-Day Monk"? It's a Japanese term that means someone who is intensely hardcore, committed and righteous in a cause, only to fall back into old patterns after a relatively short time.
From the article:
What my growth in Al-Anon looked like for me: On a daily basis I was picking up my daily reader, visiting this forum, getting to a meeting if it was available, reading AA's Big Book (to understand the disease of alcoholism), participate in service, and when my hair was on fire, I was picking up my phone and calling my sponsor on top of keeping regularly scheduled phone calls with my sponsor, as well.
If I stop - stop going to meetings, reading my literature, talking with my sponsor, etc. then my growth plateaus. Eventually it will start to backslide. If i miss a couple weeks of meeting, I start to get what I call "squirrely". It means I'm starting to regress. Yes, already. It happens that fast. It happened much, much faster when I was in my early recovery years. Even moreso because I was living with the active A.
From the article:
Eventually I had to ask myself: What was my priority? Was my sanity important enough to keep making the time to attend meetings, phone calls, participate in service, read and learn?
Now on to failure. So many give up the moment they make a mistake. One failure suddenly means that "this isn't working."
I can tell you if I gave up the first time I said "no" to the A and it backfired then I'd still be where I was before Al-Anon. I'd be uptight, stressed out, possibly even still with that same A. I'm only where I am today because I didn't give up, even when I screwed up. Mistakes are learning tools. I just took note of those particular mistakes and then tried something different the next time the situation presented itself. And living with active alcoholism means I got a LOT of new opportunities to do it different.
The light at the end of the tunnel:
I hope this made sense. If not... you know they saying. Take what you liked and leave the rest!
No one among us has been able to maintain perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
I've fumbled, I've backslided, I've been dishonest, I've kept secrets, I've ignored my recovery tools when I knew they were available. I don't maintain daily perfection. Absolutely not. But at the very least I've put in the effort to be consistent. And I'll emphasize again that at those times I did put in daily honest effort, my recovery progressed.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If I want to be able to have serenity in my life when alcoholism is present, then my recovery needs to be progressive.
Wow- thank you so much Aloha. I havent read the article yet, but just your post alone was very powerful!
When I slack off or relax my recovery, I dont notice a difference immediately. I might shrug off my irritations, and judgements, and ill-will thinking. Then the insanity, chaos, obsession and knee-jerk responses come crashing in. I KNOW this is a life-long program and I see and appreciate the progress I have made.
Thank you again for this awesome post!
We've all heard that catch-phrase/slogan, numerous times. However, understanding what the meaning is behind it is perhaps more important. Meeting makers don't make it JUST BECAUSE THEY ONLY GO TO MEETINGS. Meeting makers, people who go to meetings, consistently, regularly, people who "keep coming back" -- they not only go to meetings -- but they also do the work! Doing the work takes place OUTSIDE of meetings. They work the program.
Meeting makers -- go to meetings, they do their readings, they have a sponsor and talk to their sponsor, and work with their sponsor. They do the work!
Great share Aloha - so, so, so true! I have gone through moments where I allowed 'life events' to take priority over me and my daily recovery efforts and like El, I don't see 'sudden change' but I can (hindsight) look back and recognize the insanity.
I love how also you make mention of "How it Works" from the Big Book. That entire section is fundamental to HOW it really works as it touches up Honesty, Open-Mindedness & Willingness. It was written way back at the start of the program, and is so worth a read for anyone, in any 12 Step program as it talks about the absolute fundamentals of recovery.
A Link for Those Interested - https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10_howitworks.pdf
For me, it's the daily efforts I put in to enhance my spiritual condition. I make every effort to start with prayer and meditation and if I forget or get distracted, I start my day over. This reminds me who I am, what I am and what I inspire to be.
I do some reading each day, I visit MIP each day, I talk to several in recovery each day (sponsees/sponsor), and end my day with prayer/meditation/daily reflection.
I go to 2 meetings a week and host a couple of informal meetings with small groups. Meetings are awesome to enhance my spiritual condition and to be of service to the program and others in recovery.
I study/focus on Step One and Tradition One in January, and carry-on through out the year. I also select an annual theme to study/practice. My efforts try to incorporate the program basics and my desire to keep learning, growing, changing.
I have learned to keep it really simple as I can get all caught up in too many self-imposed rules. I lived my life that way for a long while, and it got me rigid, inflexible, anxious and a bit crazy. As the weather changes up, I also walk every morning with the God of my understanding and my sweet dog - it's my favorite part of the day!
Any effort is way better than no effort (what I tell myself when I needed in another location). I am able to do most of my daily recovery efforts any place, at any time, in any location - thanks to technology, phone numbers, etc. Love that we get to design our recovery efforts, practices, etc. in a manner that best suits us, at any stage or any age! I'll also keep coming back for a lifetime as it just keeps getting better!
Iamhere - the Big Book is just so amazing. I feel blessed I have a sponsor who insists on using it as I work the steps. CAL is invaluable, as well, but the Big Book just gets down to business and really speaks to the heart of my disease. I am not an alcoholic, but I do suffer from the family disease of alcoholism.
Aloha - I really connected with your post... because I too am learning a new language, but also because I really see value in the ideas of the article you posted. Before, I let my journey with Al-Anon slack off, then end altogether. Now I know better.
This reminds me of something I have experienced through my son (who has been like this since toddler-hood). He was/is a contemplator. He wasn't the type of kid who jumped right in. He would hang back and observe, then he would try...or not. Didn't matter what it was. That was his MO. But he also gave up right away if he couldn't do it the first time... or couldn't do it to the level he thought he required. I am not sure where he got this. I first thought he may have learned it from me, as I struggle with perfectionism (in myself). But then I remember two things: 1) He has done this since being a toddler, and 2) I don't give up easily. I "bulldog it" as they say. I dig in and really give it my all before I hand in the towel. So if anything, I can "hold on" for too long, or too tightly.
All through his life, I have counseled him about giving things a try, not expecting perfection, some things a person has a natural affinity for, other things need lots and lots of practice - all those kinds of guidance. To this day, I still don't understand the ease in which he gives up. Of course, because I am still working my program, I know that is not my issue to resolve! I work on accepting him for who he is.
So yes, your post made complete sense to me. Thank you for posting it!
I worked for a super-sized company and we had tons of soft-skills and people-skills seminars/classes that were mandatory for management and up....of all the ones I had to sit through, this one stayed with me simply because it really summed up myself and my siblings very well - almost too well as if we were subjects for the presentation.
Just an offer as I know you (like me) are an answer-seeker!!!
Aloha - I too have a sponsor who believes deeply in using the Big Book. Of course, I am a double winner so it's as important to me as CAL. It is studying the AA Big Book as part of my Al-Anon recovery that I really accepted the disease concept in those I love, which led me to real growth, acceptance, empathy and compassion - a game changer in my journey! Good to know I am not alone!!