Its hard to walk the walk. I feel the uncertainty and craziness start creeping in my life. I think I am fine and the anger and resentment starts to surface. I dont dream of getting old. I dream of getting out and escaping total dysfunctionism.
I try, I try, I try to pretend I have that perfect home. Heck, I am the person making it seem like everything is okay. I am starting to crack and not shut my mouth anymore. I am mad because everyone thinks he is fine when he has destroyed us. He gets away with doing what he wants to do drink, gamble, and who knows what else. I want him accountable for his actions. The kids are accountable for their actions. It is part of the mental illness that just takes hold of the whole family. He does what he wants and then comes and say he is sorry. Over and over again. Should I expect myself to rise above his behavior and be sick back into this dysfunctional dynamics. I have shut down. I dont care what happens anymore. I dont want a relationship at all. I cant bare to be in the same room anymore. The destruction that the alcoholic does and then to get a clean slate to start all over again. All I know is that I have to pretend he doesnt even exists to survive and take care of the kids. He thinks he is fine since he is a functional alcoholic. I know I cant win. I dont want to win.
I know I need to change how my mind processes life around me. I have let go of any expectations. I dont look for him to come home and when he does I immediately leave the room. I cant believe I am stuck in this life. If I didnt have kids that I have to take care of. I worked so hard to be independent to take care of myself and now I have an alcoholic control me.
My brain cant even function anymore. I am so scared of what will happen next that can it just happen and get it over with. I had PTSD from growing up in a horrible childhood with a mental illness mom only to be replaced by another. Lessons learned that I will not allow another dysfunctional person take my life from me.
Why is it that the addict takes over my life and my head space? I try to detach but as soon as I do they are sucking me back in. I have to become impolite and just ignore. No wonder I get messed up because I am always fighting manipulations. I have to constantly be on guard. Why doesnt the addict get exhausted and just be by themselves.
Sorry for the long rant. I just had to get it down on paper to suck it out of my life. The tools that I do to fight against the alcoholic.
Bo said
Apr 11, 2019
In alanon, I've heard "act as if" and "fake it until you make it" -- and while I get those catch-phrases, and the methodology behind them, in my experience, sometimes, this can lead to...DENIAL. Sometimes it can lead to avoidance of the problem. Sometimes it can lead to complacency. I've seen people wake up one day and say "How did I get here?" -- and that's not a good thing. Well, to each their own. People will take the journey they choose to take.
However, that aside...it is very common for us to "hold it together"...until we can't. Yes, anger, resentment, wanting to prove, wanting to be right, wanting everyone to know that it's their fault, wanting them to be held accountable, and we'll do it! All of that. Well, as much as all of that may be a byproduct of the disease...it is about YOU. That is all about US. That is our disease, our unhealthiness.
So...how do you get better? How do you get healthy? I was where you are. I've seen what you've seen, felt what you feel...and for me, my experience...here's what I did...first, I spiked up my meetings. I went to more meetings. Meeting makers make it. Sure, you'll find people here who will swear that coming here is "their" meeting, and that coming here is all they need, etc. To each their own. In my experience, meeting makers make it. Period. There is a magic, there is a dynamic about face to face meetings. You'll find some you like, some you don't, etc. Keep going back! Alanon is a program of US, WE, and yes, I...but it is designed for people, to gather, and benefit from the personal, intimate, interaction, week in and week out. Second, work with your sponsor! Every day. Pick up the phone, talk it through, get the wisdom and experience from an OBJECTIVE person. Embrace something and someone other than you and your own thinking, perspective, etc. Third, do your readings, C2C, ODAAT, every single day, twice a day. Immerse yourself into the alanon program...and start working the program. Do the work!
There is no magic pill, no button to push, no special exercise...getting better, getting healthy...takes work. YOU have to do the work. No one goes on a diet on Monday, and wakes up Tuesday, the next day, and they lost 30 lbs.! Time takes time. You didn't wake up one day here...so you won't wake up one day and be out of here. You have to do the work. It involves change. No matter how you look at it...it involves CHANGE...change in your thinking, mindset, actions, reactions, behavior, speaking, and more. CHANGE.
Alanon works if you work it...so work it...you are worth it.
All the best.
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 11, 2019
((((Riley3))))
I hear your pain... heck, I lived your pain. I remember living day to day, wishing I could be ANYWHERE but where I was with my spouse. I lived with the resentment that he threw 29 years of marriage away! Just like that... like it was nothing!
But you know, after many meetings, I realized it wasn't "Just like that." I had lived in Denial for so long, that I had accepted unacceptable behaviors from him... from ME, for years!
It was when I decided to ACCEPT my life - as it was at this moment (not how my rose-colored glasses wanted it to be) - that is when I began to push back against the unacceptable behaviors. And as I healed, I just knew I no longer wanted the life my spouse was willing to give me. I also decided to stop my rationalizations and begin the moves that were needed to live my own, best life. I'll give you a hint... it did not involve addiction! LOL!
I don't mean to sound trite above... but I had/have to keep some humor...b/c this disease is insidious, and selfish, and takes hostages. My son and I were the hostages.
I must say, I was willing to live this insanity for YEARS, but it was when I educated myself on the affects that this dynamic has on the children of addicts that brought the "Call to Arms" for me!
Please continue to share. Good or bad. It is wonderful to hear of people's progress. It also helps those who still "lurk" in the shadows, too scared to participate, but who are desperately seeking solace. Share the bad too... while this program is "All About You," and we strive to "Keep the Focus on Ourselves," I know that sometimes a person just needs to get stuff off their chest... it helps them process... many times as they see it written, and read what others share about it, they see their own dysfunction. Sometimes that is the ONLY way it is seen as a problem. So I totally get it.
Sending you light, love, & acceptance over the interwebs!
Namaste!
Freetime said
Apr 11, 2019
(((Riley))), I'm sorry for what you are going through but glad you came here and shared. I have had those feelings too. With an alcoholic spouse I felt trapped, angry, afraid, hopeless, and barely clinging to sanity. Looking back, here are some things I did that helped me get to a better place.
(1) I opened up to a few trusted friends that cared about me, letting them know what was going on in my home and life.
(2) Got a therapist.
(3) Started attending Al-Anon meetings and got a sponsor. I used slogans like "One Day At A Time" to get me through the hard feelings.
I relate to what you wrote: "I will not allow another dysfunctional person to take my life from me." Once I started feeling that way, I realized it was OK and necessary to put all my energy into my own recovery.
Keep coming back. You are not alone, and there is hope.
Aloha said
Apr 11, 2019
Riley3 wrote:
I know I need to change how my mind processes life around me. I have let go of any expectations.
I'm so glad you came here to vent, Riley. Sometimes that's what we need to do. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful - I know I can drive myself bat-sh*t crazy trying to figure out WHY the alcoholic does what he does and WHY he doesn't "get it" and WHY he thinks what he's doing is okay and WHY doesn't he care, and on and on.
Eventually I came to a point, however, where I realized the the alcoholic was going to do what he was going to do, no matter what I said or did. He was taking care of himself (albeit poorly), maybe I needed to start taking care of myself.
Problem was, I didn't really know how to take care of myself. They don't teach you in school how to handle emotional and mental trauma. No one wants to deal with that. "Just get over it", "Just leave him", was what I was told by my peers. The most we're ever told about self-care is to eat right and exercise. Focusing on the physical will assuredly fix the mental. Well, I'm here to say that's WRONG.
I only started learning how to properly take care of my mental and emotional health when I started attending Al-Anon. I learned valuable information like "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it". That let me off the hook insofar as feeling responsible for making sure the A got better. It also gave me the blessing of focusing on taking care of myself, instead. I also learned I had choices. I didn't have to attend every argument the alcoholic invited me to, for instance. I didn't have to keep dancing his dance with him.
The thing is, this change, unfortunately, doesn't come overnight. It's not like flipping a switch... like... I attend one al-anon meeting, and... tada! I suddenly float around on angel wings and don't take anyone's BS anymore. It doesn't work that way. I started attending Al-Anon when I was 30. I figured at that time I had 30 years of handling emotional and mental trauma in a way that no longer suits me. If I'm lucky I'll finally be free of my troubles in another 30 years. (Of course, I'm kidding there.)
That's why so many members suggest getting to meetings and getting to them frequently. I know for me the more meetings I attended in close succession the faster I started catching on to these new tools and concepts to handling my issues. Just like when you're learning anything, it's repetition that brings results. Practicing something only once in a while doesn't really get me anywhere. For me, Al-Anon was and is an educational program on how to take care of myself spiritually and emotionally.
So that's why I highlighted that particular section of your vent. You talked about needing to change. The things I mentioned in here are part of what helped me achieve that kind of change for myself.
I'm glad you're here. I also hope you find yourself some face-to-face meetings. I promise you will get the exact support you need in those rooms.
canadianguy said
Apr 11, 2019
My sponsor used to remind me to 'focus on the whats, and not the whys, because the whys will kill ya'.....
Wise words, to be sure, as we all have empathy for you - many/most have been pretty much in that exact same spot - and it can be wasted effort to continually ask yourself why, why, why?
The way better solution, for you and your kids, is to start focusing on the what.....
Okay, so your hubby is an A, active in his disease, and not showing any signs of remorse or desire to choose recovery. That is his choice/recovery/life, and arguably not a damn thing you can do about it....
Now for you - what do YOU want to do? Do you want to choose recovery, for you and your children, and finally break the chain of dysfunction that has you weighed down so heavily at the moment? Your post would suggest that you DO want this, and I give you kudos for taking that important first step.... If you can continue to keep the focus on you and your children, with your respective needs and what you need to get healthy - your life WILL get better. Al-Anon meetings, posting here on MIP, reading great resource books on the subject - will all serve as a great starting point for YOUR recovery....
He's either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?
Hugs,
Tom
Bo said
Apr 11, 2019
In my experience, and in my own personal journey through recovery...I found that when I got through and past all the anger and resentment, when I got past the accepting unacceptable behavior, when I got through the codependency, the people pleasing, and everything else...then...I got better, and I got healthy...and guess what? Then I was able to ask myself...is this the life I want to live? Is this the life I want?
And, most important...I was now in a place where I could answer those questions from a place of health, well-being, clear-head, focus, clarity, stable, strength, and so much more.
And not answer those questions as an angry, frustrated, scared, co-dependent, people pleasing, doormat, unhealthy, distorted thinking, confused, in-denial, weak, sick and tired, etc., person!
JerryF said
Apr 11, 2019
Good Job Riley!! This is how it starts, the separation from the disease and insanity. I learned to yell "STOP!!" when I first got into Al-Anon and wanted the insanity to let go of me and the STOP was to me for me to stop fighting a war I could not and would not win. My sponsor told me "You are going to have to separate yourself from all things alcohol" which was the most sane and positive suggestion I could get and then I took an inventory as to where, who, what and why alcohol was attached to in my life and I made a list of all that I would have to detach myself from which included my alcoholic/addict wife, my eldest son, my family, my friends the bars and night clubs and all of it and turned around and walked away. Being lonely for me was never as bad or had as being crazy so I finally went to the Al-Anon Family Groups and wanted in. I sat, I listened, I learned, I asked questions, I asked for direction and I practiced, practiced, practiced or I died crazy.
I remember what it used to be like but not because I repeat it over and over; because I know what it is I ought not do and repeat. Your post is reality for me. I know first hand the anger and rage, confusion and anxiety and fear.
It can and will stop if you want to give it up. Give it up and find peace of mind and serenity (sounds sooooo nice huh?). If you haven't already find out where the Al-Anon Family Groups meet in your area; make contact and for an hour each time go and join in on recovery from the insanity of the disease of alcoholism and addiction. Go for Riley. I'll go with you in mind also hoping and praying you can find what I have found in our recovery program; peace of mind and serenity. Check back in again and let us know how you are doing. ((((Hugs))))
Iamhere said
Apr 11, 2019
Welcome to MIP Riley - so glad you found us and so glad that you shared. Living with an alcoholic/addict is too much for most of us and that's what often brings one to recovery! I too can relate to all that you shared as well as the anxiety, stress, anger, hurt, resentments, etc.
The only suggestion I got that worked for me was to find and attend local Al-Anon meetings. I resisted as I didn't want to 'work on me' - I wanted my A fixed. Yet, I ended up going, and so began a journey that has restored me to some level of sanity. I hope you will find the courage to attend - it's the only place where I found others who truly understood, listened with love and empathy and did not pass judgement or tell me what to do. They shared their ESH - Experience, Strength & Hope and showed me how Al-Anon can work if I wanted a better way of living.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery! (((Hugs))) sent your way!
a4l said
Apr 11, 2019
Hi Riley. Your post is so familiar I could have and probably did write it myself not so many years ago. It is difficult to detach from what lives in your house and doubly more difficult when carrying responsibility alone at the same time with children. I became very angry due to built up resentments compounding along with the domestic workload. I encourage you to seek out meetings, literature and to keep coming back here as well. Self care breaks and finding things to do that I enjoyed and which didn't involve or rely on the alcoholic in any way was also very important to regaining my sanity. We were fortunate to live in an ill reputed but actually very well resourced for young families neighborhood, where there were regular and mostly free community activities all the time. It took a long time and there were some hurdles along the way but life is manageable and I'd say happy today. Keep coming back and take good care.
However, that aside...it is very common for us to "hold it together"...until we can't. Yes, anger, resentment, wanting to prove, wanting to be right, wanting everyone to know that it's their fault, wanting them to be held accountable, and we'll do it! All of that. Well, as much as all of that may be a byproduct of the disease...it is about YOU. That is all about US. That is our disease, our unhealthiness.
So...how do you get better? How do you get healthy? I was where you are. I've seen what you've seen, felt what you feel...and for me, my experience...here's what I did...first, I spiked up my meetings. I went to more meetings. Meeting makers make it. Sure, you'll find people here who will swear that coming here is "their" meeting, and that coming here is all they need, etc. To each their own. In my experience, meeting makers make it. Period. There is a magic, there is a dynamic about face to face meetings. You'll find some you like, some you don't, etc. Keep going back! Alanon is a program of US, WE, and yes, I...but it is designed for people, to gather, and benefit from the personal, intimate, interaction, week in and week out. Second, work with your sponsor! Every day. Pick up the phone, talk it through, get the wisdom and experience from an OBJECTIVE person. Embrace something and someone other than you and your own thinking, perspective, etc. Third, do your readings, C2C, ODAAT, every single day, twice a day. Immerse yourself into the alanon program...and start working the program. Do the work!
There is no magic pill, no button to push, no special exercise...getting better, getting healthy...takes work. YOU have to do the work. No one goes on a diet on Monday, and wakes up Tuesday, the next day, and they lost 30 lbs.! Time takes time. You didn't wake up one day here...so you won't wake up one day and be out of here. You have to do the work. It involves change. No matter how you look at it...it involves CHANGE...change in your thinking, mindset, actions, reactions, behavior, speaking, and more. CHANGE.
Alanon works if you work it...so work it...you are worth it.
All the best.
I hear your pain... heck, I lived your pain. I remember living day to day, wishing I could be ANYWHERE but where I was with my spouse. I lived with the resentment that he threw 29 years of marriage away! Just like that... like it was nothing!
But you know, after many meetings, I realized it wasn't "Just like that." I had lived in Denial for so long, that I had accepted unacceptable behaviors from him... from ME, for years!
It was when I decided to ACCEPT my life - as it was at this moment (not how my rose-colored glasses wanted it to be) - that is when I began to push back against the unacceptable behaviors. And as I healed, I just knew I no longer wanted the life my spouse was willing to give me. I also decided to stop my rationalizations and begin the moves that were needed to live my own, best life. I'll give you a hint... it did not involve addiction! LOL!
I don't mean to sound trite above... but I had/have to keep some humor...b/c this disease is insidious, and selfish, and takes hostages. My son and I were the hostages.
I must say, I was willing to live this insanity for YEARS, but it was when I educated myself on the affects that this dynamic has on the children of addicts that brought the "Call to Arms" for me!
Please continue to share. Good or bad. It is wonderful to hear of people's progress. It also helps those who still "lurk" in the shadows, too scared to participate, but who are desperately seeking solace. Share the bad too... while this program is "All About You," and we strive to "Keep the Focus on Ourselves," I know that sometimes a person just needs to get stuff off their chest... it helps them process... many times as they see it written, and read what others share about it, they see their own dysfunction. Sometimes that is the ONLY way it is seen as a problem. So I totally get it.
Sending you light, love, & acceptance over the interwebs!
Namaste!
(1) I opened up to a few trusted friends that cared about me, letting them know what was going on in my home and life.
(2) Got a therapist.
(3) Started attending Al-Anon meetings and got a sponsor. I used slogans like "One Day At A Time" to get me through the hard feelings.
I relate to what you wrote: "I will not allow another dysfunctional person to take my life from me." Once I started feeling that way, I realized it was OK and necessary to put all my energy into my own recovery.
Keep coming back. You are not alone, and there is hope.
I'm so glad you came here to vent, Riley. Sometimes that's what we need to do. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful - I know I can drive myself bat-sh*t crazy trying to figure out WHY the alcoholic does what he does and WHY he doesn't "get it" and WHY he thinks what he's doing is okay and WHY doesn't he care, and on and on.
Eventually I came to a point, however, where I realized the the alcoholic was going to do what he was going to do, no matter what I said or did. He was taking care of himself (albeit poorly), maybe I needed to start taking care of myself.
Problem was, I didn't really know how to take care of myself. They don't teach you in school how to handle emotional and mental trauma. No one wants to deal with that. "Just get over it", "Just leave him", was what I was told by my peers. The most we're ever told about self-care is to eat right and exercise. Focusing on the physical will assuredly fix the mental. Well, I'm here to say that's WRONG.
I only started learning how to properly take care of my mental and emotional health when I started attending Al-Anon. I learned valuable information like "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it". That let me off the hook insofar as feeling responsible for making sure the A got better. It also gave me the blessing of focusing on taking care of myself, instead. I also learned I had choices. I didn't have to attend every argument the alcoholic invited me to, for instance. I didn't have to keep dancing his dance with him.
The thing is, this change, unfortunately, doesn't come overnight. It's not like flipping a switch... like... I attend one al-anon meeting, and... tada! I suddenly float around on angel wings and don't take anyone's BS anymore. It doesn't work that way. I started attending Al-Anon when I was 30. I figured at that time I had 30 years of handling emotional and mental trauma in a way that no longer suits me. If I'm lucky I'll finally be free of my troubles in another 30 years. (Of course, I'm kidding there.)
That's why so many members suggest getting to meetings and getting to them frequently. I know for me the more meetings I attended in close succession the faster I started catching on to these new tools and concepts to handling my issues. Just like when you're learning anything, it's repetition that brings results. Practicing something only once in a while doesn't really get me anywhere. For me, Al-Anon was and is an educational program on how to take care of myself spiritually and emotionally.
So that's why I highlighted that particular section of your vent. You talked about needing to change. The things I mentioned in here are part of what helped me achieve that kind of change for myself.
I'm glad you're here. I also hope you find yourself some face-to-face meetings. I promise you will get the exact support you need in those rooms.
My sponsor used to remind me to 'focus on the whats, and not the whys, because the whys will kill ya'.....
Wise words, to be sure, as we all have empathy for you - many/most have been pretty much in that exact same spot - and it can be wasted effort to continually ask yourself why, why, why?
The way better solution, for you and your kids, is to start focusing on the what.....
Okay, so your hubby is an A, active in his disease, and not showing any signs of remorse or desire to choose recovery. That is his choice/recovery/life, and arguably not a damn thing you can do about it....
Now for you - what do YOU want to do? Do you want to choose recovery, for you and your children, and finally break the chain of dysfunction that has you weighed down so heavily at the moment? Your post would suggest that you DO want this, and I give you kudos for taking that important first step.... If you can continue to keep the focus on you and your children, with your respective needs and what you need to get healthy - your life WILL get better. Al-Anon meetings, posting here on MIP, reading great resource books on the subject - will all serve as a great starting point for YOUR recovery....
He's either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?
Hugs,
Tom
And, most important...I was now in a place where I could answer those questions from a place of health, well-being, clear-head, focus, clarity, stable, strength, and so much more.
And not answer those questions as an angry, frustrated, scared, co-dependent, people pleasing, doormat, unhealthy, distorted thinking, confused, in-denial, weak, sick and tired, etc., person!
Good Job Riley!! This is how it starts, the separation from the disease and insanity. I learned to yell "STOP!!" when I first got into Al-Anon and wanted the insanity to let go of me and the STOP was to me for me to stop fighting a war I could not and would not win. My sponsor told me "You are going to have to separate yourself from all things alcohol" which was the most sane and positive suggestion I could get and then I took an inventory as to where, who, what and why alcohol was attached to in my life and I made a list of all that I would have to detach myself from which included my alcoholic/addict wife, my eldest son, my family, my friends the bars and night clubs and all of it and turned around and walked away. Being lonely for me was never as bad or had as being crazy so I finally went to the Al-Anon Family Groups and wanted in. I sat, I listened, I learned, I asked questions, I asked for direction and I practiced, practiced, practiced or I died crazy.
I remember what it used to be like but not because I repeat it over and over; because I know what it is I ought not do and repeat. Your post is reality for me. I know first hand the anger and rage, confusion and anxiety and fear.
It can and will stop if you want to give it up. Give it up and find peace of mind and serenity (sounds sooooo nice huh?). If you haven't already find out where the Al-Anon Family Groups meet in your area; make contact and for an hour each time go and join in on recovery from the insanity of the disease of alcoholism and addiction. Go for Riley. I'll go with you in mind also hoping and praying you can find what I have found in our recovery program; peace of mind and serenity. Check back in again and let us know how you are doing. ((((Hugs))))
The only suggestion I got that worked for me was to find and attend local Al-Anon meetings. I resisted as I didn't want to 'work on me' - I wanted my A fixed. Yet, I ended up going, and so began a journey that has restored me to some level of sanity. I hope you will find the courage to attend - it's the only place where I found others who truly understood, listened with love and empathy and did not pass judgement or tell me what to do. They shared their ESH - Experience, Strength & Hope and showed me how Al-Anon can work if I wanted a better way of living.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery! (((Hugs))) sent your way!
Sometimes One Minute At A Time...
Keep coming back.