I just heard from my ex ah. He was wanting to make amends. The catch is that he tried to contact me in 2017. I replied through messenger today. My sponsor said it was OK as long as we have no further contact. I am not sure if I did the right thing. Anyone have any ESH on this? I would appreciate any responses. Also I haven't been on messenger very much because i basically don't do it! I don't expect anything. He felt that he needed to because he was doing step work. 9th step. So I will wait. I will post an update later.
luv123 said
Mar 24, 2019
Great he is doing his step work.. Great you have time to step back and ask and pray and think it over too Hoot Nanny. My experience with Amends receiving is that they are doing it for themselves (just as we do too). They are likely asking forgiveness. I have a choice whether I am ready to be engaged in this or not. So I guess I would ask myself if I am ready to listen/forgive or will I feel pushed too soon. I can always postpone if not. And that forgiveness doesn't have to mean resuming relationship or anything beyond that one conversation. We can forgive and still have boundaries---but our heart becomes more open spiritually I think.
Hope it goes well. Thanks for reaching out--we teach others it is ok to reach out & that it is ok to not be sure about everything when we do.
Luv123
Iamhere said
Mar 24, 2019
Kathleen - good on you for pausing before proceeding! You have choices - we get that as part of recovery. I am sending you positive energy, thoughts and prayers!!
JerryF said
Mar 24, 2019
Kath I also add good on you to stop and consider and ask for ESH. Amends is "making it right" not solely saying "I'm sorry". For me "I'm sorry" is an apology which certainly was a change for me however there wasn't any confidence that I would make the change. One of the ego centric responses to my alcoholic/addict's apology for her part in the disease was that I felt she didn't go far enough. Geeezzz was I stuck on self, and still my HP used her to give me a lesson on humility. I can't work this program quickly or I go past the miracles that are here for my blessings. Keep coming back ((((Hugs))))
Hoot Nanny said
Mar 25, 2019
Nothing has changed since my last post. He hasn't contacted me yet! Maybe he never will. I am staying on my side of the street so far. Not expecting too much. God's will not mine be dine.
Hoot Nanny said
Mar 25, 2019
I kind of think I should make amends to him. I certainly did enough to him that he deserves it. I cheated on him numerous times. It was really emotional. I guess maybe I am not really ready. I really don't know what I would say to him. Since my sponsor said OK. She did ask me about contacting him no further than the obvious.
By the way, last time I had contact w/ him he was sober. I don't know about today. It is possible that he has been sober about 30 years. Wouldn't that be something?
I will hang in there! I will try to accept that he won't respond. I will be OK no matter what!
Aloha said
Mar 25, 2019
I've had to use Facebook as a tool to make amends myself when working my 9th step. Sometimes it's the only way I can find someone from my past with whom I need to make amends. It's actually been very helpful in that way and I've had a couple very successful amends via that route. But there's far more to my message than just "i'm sorry" (in fact, I never use those words). As Jerry insinuated - talk is definitely cheap. How many times did we hear "I'm sorry" from the alcoholic only to see them repeat the same behavior they were previously sorry for over and over again?
I never use the words "I'm sorry" in a written amends, actually. I take the time to lay out the situation, what my part was in it, what I discovered about myself in my personal inventory around the situation - (ie: was I selfish, self-serving, fearful, dishonest), and then I make it a clear point to say "I was WRONG" or "It was WRONG of me..." etc.
I'm sure your sponsor can work with you on your own amends to your ex if and when that becomes necessary. But you're right in pausing for right now and being okay with living in the questions.
I always have to remember that HP has perfect timing in everything. Trust the process.
Bo said
Mar 25, 2019
Remember, you wanting to make amends has nothing to do with him wanting to make amends. They are two separate and distinct issues. Timing aside. Also, remember, making amends doesn't automatically mean saying you are sorry, or that you apologize. It can be something else. All the best.
Iamhere said
Mar 26, 2019
(((Kathleen))) - I believe that nothing happens by mistake. When we are ready, more is always revealed. Keep doing you and the next right thing to do will become clear. My experience is that when it's proper time to make amends, I am given the opportunity to do so. If/when my actions are conditionally tied to any expectations, large or small, I can easily return to some insane thinking/worrying/etc.
Keep coming back and know you are not alone!
ginnyc said
Mar 30, 2019
I am not sure they are even asking forgiveness or that is necessary on your part. They just feel the need to move on with their recovery and this is part of that process.
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 31, 2019
(((Hoot)))
"I don't expect anything"
I think this is why you are in a good place about sending him a message back. You can also add to that, "I don't need to DO anything else."
I agree with Bo's post.
My ExH told me recently, "I told my sponsor that my AMENDS to you will be a living amends... b/c you have heard, "I am sorry, I will do better" for 10 years now, with nothing good to show for it." "I am going to live "Actions speak louder than words."
Even though I was impressed by this new attitude, I just told him, "Thank you." I felt nothing else was needed... just showing me basic respect as a human being, really.
So keep doing "You." If there is interaction, always think to yourself, "What are the actions, really?" If they are respectful, then perhaps you may want to acknowledge that progress... but you certainly aren't required to. Like everyone said, his amends are for HIM.
Hoot Nanny said
Apr 1, 2019
Haven't heard anything. It has been over a week. That is my update. I really decided that I do not want a response. I have been in my head since I replied to the PM. I am not going to look for a response until I am ready to face it. I actually don't feel like I will accomplish anything. I guess I will have to completely turn it over. I hope that I don't have to respond ever. The thoughts I have had have torn me apart. Right now I am recovering from a long week of stress. At this point don't need it.
Thanks for all the support in my dealing w/ this.
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 2, 2019
Thanks for the update, Hoot.
It sounds like you are listening to your inner voice. If his responding back to you wasn't a big deal, you would be more or less stress free. Instead you are posting you don't want to respond ever, and you are recovering from a long week of stress.
Guess what? There is no requirement for you to ever acknowledge him. So keep doing what you feel is right for you!
Hope you have a more peaceful week!
Iamhere said
Apr 2, 2019
Kathleen - sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive energy and prayers. I hear that you are getting exactly what you need/want in this - no response...there is never any shame in making a healthy choice for ourselves - I too hope you have a more peaceful week! You are worthy and it truly is all good!
Hope it goes well. Thanks for reaching out--we teach others it is ok to reach out & that it is ok to not be sure about everything when we do.
Luv123
Kath I also add good on you to stop and consider and ask for ESH. Amends is "making it right" not solely saying "I'm sorry". For me "I'm sorry" is an apology which certainly was a change for me however there wasn't any confidence that I would make the change. One of the ego centric responses to my alcoholic/addict's apology for her part in the disease was that I felt she didn't go far enough. Geeezzz was I stuck on self, and still my HP used her to give me a lesson on humility. I can't work this program quickly or I go past the miracles that are here for my blessings. Keep coming back ((((Hugs))))
I kind of think I should make amends to him. I certainly did enough to him that he deserves it. I cheated on him numerous times. It was really emotional. I guess maybe I am not really ready. I really don't know what I would say to him. Since my sponsor said OK. She did ask me about contacting him no further than the obvious.
By the way, last time I had contact w/ him he was sober. I don't know about today. It is possible that he has been sober about 30 years. Wouldn't that be something?
I will hang in there! I will try to accept that he won't respond. I will be OK no matter what!
I never use the words "I'm sorry" in a written amends, actually. I take the time to lay out the situation, what my part was in it, what I discovered about myself in my personal inventory around the situation - (ie: was I selfish, self-serving, fearful, dishonest), and then I make it a clear point to say "I was WRONG" or "It was WRONG of me..." etc.
I'm sure your sponsor can work with you on your own amends to your ex if and when that becomes necessary. But you're right in pausing for right now and being okay with living in the questions.
I always have to remember that HP has perfect timing in everything. Trust the process.
Keep coming back and know you are not alone!
I am not sure they are even asking forgiveness or that is necessary on your part. They just feel the need to move on with their recovery and this is part of that process.
(((Hoot)))
"I don't expect anything"
I think this is why you are in a good place about sending him a message back. You can also add to that, "I don't need to DO anything else."
I agree with Bo's post.
My ExH told me recently, "I told my sponsor that my AMENDS to you will be a living amends... b/c you have heard, "I am sorry, I will do better" for 10 years now, with nothing good to show for it." "I am going to live "Actions speak louder than words."
Even though I was impressed by this new attitude, I just told him, "Thank you." I felt nothing else was needed... just showing me basic respect as a human being, really.
So keep doing "You." If there is interaction, always think to yourself, "What are the actions, really?" If they are respectful, then perhaps you may want to acknowledge that progress... but you certainly aren't required to. Like everyone said, his amends are for HIM.
Haven't heard anything. It has been over a week. That is my update. I really decided that I do not want a response. I have been in my head since I replied to the PM. I am not going to look for a response until I am ready to face it. I actually don't feel like I will accomplish anything. I guess I will have to completely turn it over. I hope that I don't have to respond ever. The thoughts I have had have torn me apart. Right now I am recovering from a long week of stress. At this point don't need it.
Thanks for all the support in my dealing w/ this.
It sounds like you are listening to your inner voice. If his responding back to you wasn't a big deal, you would be more or less stress free. Instead you are posting you don't want to respond ever, and you are recovering from a long week of stress.
Guess what? There is no requirement for you to ever acknowledge him. So keep doing what you feel is right for you!
Hope you have a more peaceful week!