I heard someone at a meeting say how he felt guilty just sitting at this great meeting absorbing all the good shares. That he felt he "should" say something; so he shared.
I had an interesting reaction to this. First I was surprised because healing is purpose of Al-anon and I realized that self care is becoming so common place and easy for me to feel right about. Sometimes we share and sometimes we receive and sometimes it is both and it is all ok---cuz thank goodness we are not usually all needy/desparate on the same day.
Then I began feeling guilty; wondering if maybe he was right (such a great codependent--I get an A+ on that test). It tapped into my early messaging. Being around alcoholism creates such toxic guilt about having needs of our own to fulfill (when everything was supposed to be about "helping the A or smoothing things over to reduce their stress level to attempt to "control" them).
Now my mind is going to "feelings aren't facts" just because I feel guilty doesn't mean I am. I can detach from myself a bit with meditation and prayer around it. I can turn my urge toward outdated habitual thinking patterns over to HP like the A needs to turn over the urge to drink. Boy, I never know what higher power has in mind for people to share so others may hear and process something.
I also saw myself feel a little angry at him for saying that and only sharing out of guilt vs. sharing from the heart---there was a room full of people eager to share. So interesting, because I just read somewhere in our literature how being/staying angry can be a substitute for doing the boundary work (and I really need to keep up my emotional boundary work so as not to take on every emotion someone shares ...taking things on is only lasting a short time lately though... where before I would walk around with it for a while and not even know what I was feeling or notice why I was starting to people please my guilt/shame away) So whether healthy or unhealthy, doesn't matter cuz HP really used that share as a teacher.
Like they say in the rooms --"it takes a while to get our marbles back and then another little while to know what to do with them". It is from reading your shares and responses, step work and listening at meetings that I get such great options "marbles" to pick from in response to the disease today. Bless you all and Al-anon!
mamalioness said
Mar 24, 2019
GREAT share!!!! and i so relate, Luv.....I share IF I am moved to...Don't if I am not!!! It all equals out in the end...there are times I just need to listen.....then there are times, my HP prompts me to tell my story because someone needs to hear it....like the 2 shares I did recently about my Mom and my Brother maybe working the steps with me.....I hesitated about sharing either, on this board because I didn't think these shares were appropriate for this site....Didnt' think I had anything to offer
So I waited and HP prompted me to "yea, you need to share this...its deep and SOMEBODY needs to see it" so I copied and pasted from next door and shared it here.....I don't question my HP anymore....if I am prompted to shut up and read/listen and don't say anyting?? thats what I do because I know at some point I will be prompted to step up and share...
either way, its a blessing............Thank you for this Need to see share............
DavidG said
Mar 24, 2019
Thanks for sharing, Luv...
I had heard that 'marble' line, but never at Alanon. And yes getting my marbles back was only half the battle... I am still learning what to do with them, really. When I began in Alanon boundaries weren't really mentioned either. This came later.
Putting both ideas together- I do everything best- in the present moment. At the moment I am going to a F2F meeting 50 mins away from here... ...though MIP Alanon remains my chosen home group. It shows me that my communication skills have improved heaps.... If I have doubts, or questions, I can ask virtually anything in the rooms. ...
Wndrwmn said
Mar 24, 2019
For me sharing has always been an issue. I'm a shy person and it was hard to do that first sharing. I started to go back to meetings recently and for right now I am just sitting and listening. Absorbing all the good stuff Alanon has to offer. I will share again in a f2f meeting.... all in good time. HP will show me when to share.
Today I am grateful for all the wonderful people who have had the courage to share :)
-- Edited by Wndrwmn on Sunday 24th of March 2019 10:54:16 PM
Iamhere said
Mar 25, 2019
(((Luv))) - so strange that you make mention of this right now. I was in a meeting Saturday and one person shared they felt the meeting (group) was the best, and that rubbed another the wrong way. The one bothered felt that it might be misconstrued by a newcomer if they didn't feel the meeting was a 'great fit' and might not return based on the input from the former person. I just listened as what was said did not give me any discomfort. Probably because I really, really try to take what I like and leave the rest, and I happen to agree with the original statement.
I have never been to a bad meeting. However, after a while in recovery, I certainly have those I prefer. Personal preference only - but I certainly have my favorites. I asked the person offended if the offense would still be there if the other member had added 'For me' - before or after the statement. This causes a pause and the answer came back with a no....my sponsor taught me a long time ago to consider that thought when another share is bothering me.
I recall being a new member, and soaked up ESH like a sponge. I spoke when I was ready and still do if I feel I have something to share. There have been shares over the years that made me want to roll my eyes, off-topic, too long, not relevant, etc. What my sponsor always says to me is we are all equals, and it's not about me!! I have come to accept that I and all others are imperfect and we are all unique in how we think, feel, process, etc. When I am bothered by another person, place or thing, the problem lies within me - why am I bothered, why am I annoyed, why am I .....
Part of recovery for me is to remind myself each day that I am affected by this disease, which deeply affects our minds, thoughts, emotions, actions, etc. I also remind myself I am in recovery, and a higher power is truly in charge. I don't believe that feelings within me come up by accident - it's yet another opportunity to learn/grow. When I read your share, I see Awareness, Acceptance, Action - progress in recovery. Keep doing the next right thing and more will be revealed! Keep coming back!
Aloha said
Mar 25, 2019
I've been reminded many times that when I am disturbed by something there is something inside me that needs to be looked at. When I look at my hand when I am pointing my finger at someone I see there's three of my fingers pointing right back at me.
This is why meetings are so great because they offer a safe place to practice what I've been learning. If someone shares something at a meeting and I find myself getting judgemental about it, then clearly I have some personal work I need to do around the situation. Sometimes it's as simple as remembering everyone is human and accepting the person for who they are. Sometimes I have to dig deeper and look at the traditions and concepts of service and ask myself if a particular share needs to be brought forward to a group conscience, reminding myself of principles before personalities.
Every situation is unique and different. I think most situations definitely deserve a good pause on my part and some personal reflection before I feel I need to say more. Pausing also gives me the great opportunity to ask the question that usually always levels things out for me and puts things back into proper perspective... "How important is it?"
So I waited and HP prompted me to "yea, you need to share this...its deep and SOMEBODY needs to see it" so I copied and pasted from next door and shared it here.....I don't question my HP anymore....if I am prompted to shut up and read/listen and don't say anyting?? thats what I do because I know at some point I will be prompted to step up and share...
either way, its a blessing............Thank you for this Need to see share............
Thanks for sharing, Luv...
I had heard that 'marble' line, but never at Alanon. And yes getting my marbles back was only half the battle... I am still learning what to do with them, really. When I began in Alanon boundaries weren't really mentioned either. This came later.
Putting both ideas together- I do everything best- in the present moment. At the moment I am going to a F2F meeting 50 mins away from here... ...though MIP Alanon remains my chosen home group. It shows me that my communication skills have improved heaps.... If I have doubts, or questions, I can ask virtually anything in the rooms.
...
For me sharing has always been an issue. I'm a shy person and it was hard to do that first sharing. I started to go back to meetings recently and for right now I am just sitting and listening. Absorbing all the good stuff Alanon has to offer. I will share again in a f2f meeting.... all in good time. HP will show me when to share.
Today I am grateful for all the wonderful people who have had the courage to share :)
-- Edited by Wndrwmn on Sunday 24th of March 2019 10:54:16 PM
I have never been to a bad meeting. However, after a while in recovery, I certainly have those I prefer. Personal preference only - but I certainly have my favorites. I asked the person offended if the offense would still be there if the other member had added 'For me' - before or after the statement. This causes a pause and the answer came back with a no....my sponsor taught me a long time ago to consider that thought when another share is bothering me.
I recall being a new member, and soaked up ESH like a sponge. I spoke when I was ready and still do if I feel I have something to share. There have been shares over the years that made me want to roll my eyes, off-topic, too long, not relevant, etc. What my sponsor always says to me is we are all equals, and it's not about me!! I have come to accept that I and all others are imperfect and we are all unique in how we think, feel, process, etc. When I am bothered by another person, place or thing, the problem lies within me - why am I bothered, why am I annoyed, why am I .....
Part of recovery for me is to remind myself each day that I am affected by this disease, which deeply affects our minds, thoughts, emotions, actions, etc. I also remind myself I am in recovery, and a higher power is truly in charge. I don't believe that feelings within me come up by accident - it's yet another opportunity to learn/grow. When I read your share, I see Awareness, Acceptance, Action - progress in recovery. Keep doing the next right thing and more will be revealed! Keep coming back!
This is why meetings are so great because they offer a safe place to practice what I've been learning. If someone shares something at a meeting and I find myself getting judgemental about it, then clearly I have some personal work I need to do around the situation. Sometimes it's as simple as remembering everyone is human and accepting the person for who they are. Sometimes I have to dig deeper and look at the traditions and concepts of service and ask myself if a particular share needs to be brought forward to a group conscience, reminding myself of principles before personalities.
Every situation is unique and different. I think most situations definitely deserve a good pause on my part and some personal reflection before I feel I need to say more. Pausing also gives me the great opportunity to ask the question that usually always levels things out for me and puts things back into proper perspective... "How important is it?"