I have a sponsor but as I move through the steps I am becoming unsure my sponsor is right for me.
I want to keep growing. I want to keep moving forward, I don't want a sponsor to pander me but I do want to be heard.
I want an open conversation, not a one sided one.
I am still learning to speak up for myself and express my needs but am beginning to feel like a door mat.
I am unsure what the qualities of a sponsor should be and wonder if my expectations are the real issue.
If there is any literature or readings around sponsorship or if you can see my confusion more clearly than I can I'd love to hear your share.
Aloha said
Mar 22, 2019
Hello WIP,
Yes, there are lots of readings on sponsorship. There is a bookmark and pamphlet on it, and many of our daily readers have passages in them regarding the sponsor/sponsee relationship.
Some food for thought - I was told by my sponsor that when I was sponsoring someone who got mad at me once that if I don't upset my sponsee on occasion I'm not doing my job. This doesn't mean intentionally seek out means to create upset with my sponsee, of course. But occasionally I have to step up and voice what I'm seeing as sick behavior in my sponsee and let it be known.
Ultimately, for me, my expectations of my sponsor and how I conduct myself as a sponsor are that we're here to listen, share our personal experience in how we handled similar situations, guide sponsees through the steps as we were guided, and ask questions that help us think things through and come to answers that fit with who we want to be.
My personal requirement for when I sought out a sponsor was to work with someone whose shares resonated with me in meetings. I also wanted her to have her own sponsor and to have worked the steps.
What I have to keep in mind is that if I want what my sponsor has I have to be willing to do what she's done to get it. That means working the steps in HER way. Not my way. She gives me lots of lenience for the most part, but I have to remember that my sick behaviors and solutions did not serve me and that it was perhaps wise to try something different and do as my sponsor suggests instead of having to do things my way.
It's important for me as a sponsee to remember, too, that my sponsor is human. She's pissed me off a couple times in the past. There was even a service situation that came up that she was apparently touchy about that she snapped at me over and to this day I disagree with the solution she came up with. However, I don't let that keep me from working with her as my sponsor. It's okay that we don't see eye-to-eye on everything. We're human, after all. The important thing is that we ultimately share a special bond with each other. It's one of the most intimate relationships I've had with someone in a long time that really exercises my trust muscles over and over. She knows all my garbage. I know a lot of her garbage, too, after working with each other for 11 years.
I'd urge you to consider using this opportunity to exercise some more trust in opening up to your sponsor about how you feel. He or she has a role in this relationship, too. This is a good way to use your tools and what you've learned so far about communicating your needs. Remember, too, that sponsors get a lot out of their relationships with their sponsees, too. I know I learn a lot from my sponsee and it's important for me to hear what's on her mind - especially if she's uncomfortable with me for some reason. I appreciate her giving me any opportunity to review myself and ask myself about my motives in things.
Long and short of it, it's okay if in the end you both decide you need to change the nature of your relationship.
-- Edited by Aloha on Friday 22nd of March 2019 09:13:37 AM
Lyne said
Mar 22, 2019
Hi WIP. I agree with Aloha that to talk to your sponsor about your ambivalence would be good for her to hear, and for you to practice not being a door mat. I resigned from the door mat club! For me the bottom line though, is for me to feel comfortable with my sponsor. If I couldn't find a way to do that, I would change. Lyne
DavidG said
Mar 22, 2019
My 2 cents worth, WIP...
I hear this most all the time- from the USA. Go to a f2f meeting. And get a sponsor.
My view is that the quality of sponsorship will vary wildly. In the day I spoke with the founder of the MIP groups, John F. He said that his NA, or AA sponsor had the qualities of a lay therapist. This sponsor helped John work through a whole lot of stuff.
And yes, John was able to get the MIP groups going single-handedly.
Myself? I had one sponsor going through. Her hubby- who was in AA- did 95% of the work- by starting an open sharing meeting- in our small one horse town. In this arrangement I saw the wisdom of Solomon- at work... ...
my old sponsor decided to leave Alnon permanently. I decided to remain an Alanon member for life.
I think three or four years of group work- as really good for steps one two and three. In the day the middle steps could be done inside of Alanon, or with a trusted community member outside of Alanon.
A lot of people think that 'the group' is there for us. Well, yes it is- in a sense. But the groups are only there- because all the members pitch in and keep it going. The overwhelming importance of service.
As much as anywhere I see this in this group. ...
I had more to say- but now- will stick with the discussion... thanks for the topic WIP, and for the opportunity to share. ...
Yikes615 said
Mar 22, 2019
I know of folks in the rooms who change sponsors as their work through the steps evolve. Some sponsors are better guides through certain steps. I have even heard of sponsors who specialize in working with sponsees on particular steps.
JerryF said
Mar 22, 2019
I have had 4 sponsors during my recovery journey; at first a woman who was very experienced and then a violation of the rule men on men women on women which was my cause. My part in that was my habit of trying to manipulate females...didn't work and I got fired. She then turned me over to the best single sponsor I've had; a male with lots of recovery and experience working the program and tons of courage...I grew well until we had to part ways geographically. My third sponsor has been the groups I attend with which include tons of ESH and fellowship and they are always around to show me many and various ways of "working it" and include both men and women. Finally my present sponsor that also includes cultural wisdom and experience which brings deeper spiritual support and he knows me deepest because of shared cultural beliefs and practices.
"Take what you like and leave the rest" has always been a rule of responsibility for me once I learned to become responsible and I had to start the journey some where and some time. I haven't always like it yet there is no rule that I had to like it as seen above. Sponsors are choices. Make the choice to recover and grow. ((((hugs))))
SerenityRUS said
Mar 22, 2019
Sometimes the relationship just doesn't work out and that's ok. My sponsor became my very dear friend and she passed away a couple years ago. I still hear her wise words to me. One thing she said to me that will always ring true in any given sponsor/sponsee relationship is if either party feels it's not working out it is ok to end the sponsorship.
She had to end her relationship with a sponsor once because it became to toxic, the sponsor stopped attending meetings and was really going through some hard times.
Something I looked for in a sponsor was are they attending meetings regularly, did they have their own sponsor and what kind of relationships did they have with others. It's a program of attraction, part of that attraction for me was watching and seeing program in action. Do I want to emulate that in my own life. Does this encourage me to do better and be better. How are they using their program to handle difficult situations.
You can have temporary sponsors for specific steps. Some people are incredibly talented in what they do in step 4. My sponsor taught me about mini 4s. It helped.
It is ok to ask for what you want and even need, while it's important to meet your own needs .. if what you need is something different that is ok. It is also ok to ask, ok so I want to talk about where I am at in program and what do you do for your other sponsee's as they move towards step 4. You might find out they haven't ever had anyone get to step 4. If you don't take that calculated risk you won't know and the program growth you experience will foster and benefit your sponsor as well.
Big hugs :)
Iamhere said
Mar 22, 2019
I've had a few sponsors over my time in recovery and the relationship has ended simply because my needs changed. A good sponsor will not 'direct' or 'order' but rather lead. A good sponsor listens and offers ESH and suggestions when asked. Even in a sponsor/sponsee relationship, we are still equals. I have an excellent sponsor and she has not angered me, ever. Not because she holds back what she sees but because she's able to guide me to see it in a gentle and loving way. She's far from perfect, as am I so it really is helpful that we stick close to ESH unless there is a crisis of sorts.
It's not a sponsor's job to take your inventory but to help you take your own. It's not your sponsor's job to point out areas of greatness or growth, but rather to help you find/see those. We are in recovery to learn, grow and move forward - a sponsor should support that even if that means changes are necessary.
As a sponsor, I've had folks ask me and then shut down. By that, I mean since they have a SINO - Sponsor In Name Only - they slow their program efforts. I do not chase sponsees, I ask they call on an agreed upon basis, and expect them to do so. It's very, very hard for a sponsor to help a sponsee if they are not open, and/or if they only call when there is a crisis.
So - it's certainly a 2 way street as stated above. Both must be able to be open, speak freely, ask/answer questions, etc. I would have a conversation and if you need to, make a change. It's your recovery, your growth and your serenity that hopefully is your priority. (((Hugs)))
workinprogress said
Mar 22, 2019
Thank you for all the shares. There were many eye opening pieces in them.
I did read everything in the courage to change book and the shares here.
I do not think I have a healthy sponsor sponsee relationship.
I will take some time to meditate about what is best for me.
I need to take care of me.
Iamhere said
Mar 23, 2019
Good morning workinprogress! I thank you for bringing this topic forward. I feel it's very important for every member everywhere to be able to feel safe bringing forward any topic, question, concern, etc. at any time. Newer members might be reluctant to do so for a variety of reasons. I know I was simply because my Family of Origin (FOO) dismissed me often - only girl child, youngest, etc. I learned early that to ask questions was often viewed as 'rocking the boat'. My chosen recovery family is much more healthy and chosen for me to feel safe always. We all deserve that - safe place to speak up, out, etc.
I love that you're gathering information so you can make the best choice for you and your recovery. Rock on with your recovery for you! Keep coming back - you are not alone!
I have a sponsor but as I move through the steps I am becoming unsure my sponsor is right for me.
I want to keep growing. I want to keep moving forward, I don't want a sponsor to pander me but I do want to be heard.
I want an open conversation, not a one sided one.
I am still learning to speak up for myself and express my needs but am beginning to feel like a door mat.
I am unsure what the qualities of a sponsor should be and wonder if my expectations are the real issue.
If there is any literature or readings around sponsorship or if you can see my confusion more clearly than I can I'd love to hear your share.
Hello WIP,
Yes, there are lots of readings on sponsorship. There is a bookmark and pamphlet on it, and many of our daily readers have passages in them regarding the sponsor/sponsee relationship.
Some food for thought - I was told by my sponsor that when I was sponsoring someone who got mad at me once that if I don't upset my sponsee on occasion I'm not doing my job. This doesn't mean intentionally seek out means to create upset with my sponsee, of course. But occasionally I have to step up and voice what I'm seeing as sick behavior in my sponsee and let it be known.
Ultimately, for me, my expectations of my sponsor and how I conduct myself as a sponsor are that we're here to listen, share our personal experience in how we handled similar situations, guide sponsees through the steps as we were guided, and ask questions that help us think things through and come to answers that fit with who we want to be.
My personal requirement for when I sought out a sponsor was to work with someone whose shares resonated with me in meetings. I also wanted her to have her own sponsor and to have worked the steps.
What I have to keep in mind is that if I want what my sponsor has I have to be willing to do what she's done to get it. That means working the steps in HER way. Not my way. She gives me lots of lenience for the most part, but I have to remember that my sick behaviors and solutions did not serve me and that it was perhaps wise to try something different and do as my sponsor suggests instead of having to do things my way.
It's important for me as a sponsee to remember, too, that my sponsor is human. She's pissed me off a couple times in the past. There was even a service situation that came up that she was apparently touchy about that she snapped at me over and to this day I disagree with the solution she came up with. However, I don't let that keep me from working with her as my sponsor. It's okay that we don't see eye-to-eye on everything. We're human, after all. The important thing is that we ultimately share a special bond with each other. It's one of the most intimate relationships I've had with someone in a long time that really exercises my trust muscles over and over. She knows all my garbage. I know a lot of her garbage, too, after working with each other for 11 years.
I'd urge you to consider using this opportunity to exercise some more trust in opening up to your sponsor about how you feel. He or she has a role in this relationship, too. This is a good way to use your tools and what you've learned so far about communicating your needs. Remember, too, that sponsors get a lot out of their relationships with their sponsees, too. I know I learn a lot from my sponsee and it's important for me to hear what's on her mind - especially if she's uncomfortable with me for some reason. I appreciate her giving me any opportunity to review myself and ask myself about my motives in things.
Long and short of it, it's okay if in the end you both decide you need to change the nature of your relationship.
-- Edited by Aloha on Friday 22nd of March 2019 09:13:37 AM
My 2 cents worth, WIP...
I hear this most all the time- from the USA. Go to a f2f meeting. And get a sponsor.
My view is that the quality of sponsorship will vary wildly. In the day I spoke with the founder of the MIP groups, John F. He said that his NA, or AA sponsor had the qualities of a lay therapist. This sponsor helped John work through a whole lot of stuff.
And yes, John was able to get the MIP groups going single-handedly.
Myself? I had one sponsor going through. Her hubby- who was in AA- did 95% of the work- by starting an open sharing meeting- in our small one horse town. In this arrangement I saw the wisdom of Solomon- at work...
...
my old sponsor decided to leave Alnon permanently. I decided to remain an Alanon member for life.
I think three or four years of group work- as really good for steps one two and three. In the day the middle steps could be done inside of Alanon, or with a trusted community member outside of Alanon.
A lot of people think that 'the group' is there for us. Well, yes it is- in a sense. But the groups are only there- because all the members pitch in and keep it going. The overwhelming importance of service.
As much as anywhere I see this in this group.
...
I had more to say- but now- will stick with the discussion... thanks for the topic WIP, and for the opportunity to share.
...
I have had 4 sponsors during my recovery journey; at first a woman who was very experienced and then a violation of the rule men on men women on women which was my cause. My part in that was my habit of trying to manipulate females...didn't work and I got fired. She then turned me over to the best single sponsor I've had; a male with lots of recovery and experience working the program and tons of courage...I grew well until we had to part ways geographically. My third sponsor has been the groups I attend with which include tons of ESH and fellowship and they are always around to show me many and various ways of "working it" and include both men and women. Finally my present sponsor that also includes cultural wisdom and experience which brings deeper spiritual support and he knows me deepest because of shared cultural beliefs and practices.
"Take what you like and leave the rest" has always been a rule of responsibility for me once I learned to become responsible and I had to start the journey some where and some time. I haven't always like it yet there is no rule that I had to like it as seen above. Sponsors are choices. Make the choice to recover and grow. ((((hugs))))
She had to end her relationship with a sponsor once because it became to toxic, the sponsor stopped attending meetings and was really going through some hard times.
Something I looked for in a sponsor was are they attending meetings regularly, did they have their own sponsor and what kind of relationships did they have with others. It's a program of attraction, part of that attraction for me was watching and seeing program in action. Do I want to emulate that in my own life. Does this encourage me to do better and be better. How are they using their program to handle difficult situations.
You can have temporary sponsors for specific steps. Some people are incredibly talented in what they do in step 4. My sponsor taught me about mini 4s. It helped.
It is ok to ask for what you want and even need, while it's important to meet your own needs .. if what you need is something different that is ok. It is also ok to ask, ok so I want to talk about where I am at in program and what do you do for your other sponsee's as they move towards step 4. You might find out they haven't ever had anyone get to step 4. If you don't take that calculated risk you won't know and the program growth you experience will foster and benefit your sponsor as well.
Big hugs :)
It's not a sponsor's job to take your inventory but to help you take your own. It's not your sponsor's job to point out areas of greatness or growth, but rather to help you find/see those. We are in recovery to learn, grow and move forward - a sponsor should support that even if that means changes are necessary.
As a sponsor, I've had folks ask me and then shut down. By that, I mean since they have a SINO - Sponsor In Name Only - they slow their program efforts. I do not chase sponsees, I ask they call on an agreed upon basis, and expect them to do so. It's very, very hard for a sponsor to help a sponsee if they are not open, and/or if they only call when there is a crisis.
So - it's certainly a 2 way street as stated above. Both must be able to be open, speak freely, ask/answer questions, etc. I would have a conversation and if you need to, make a change. It's your recovery, your growth and your serenity that hopefully is your priority. (((Hugs)))
I did read everything in the courage to change book and the shares here.
I do not think I have a healthy sponsor sponsee relationship.
I will take some time to meditate about what is best for me.
I need to take care of me.
I love that you're gathering information so you can make the best choice for you and your recovery. Rock on with your recovery for you! Keep coming back - you are not alone!