I started attending AlAnon in 2006 and went to meetings twice a week up until 2014. I moved to a new town far from home for work. I was divorced for a few years and started dating. I could tell it was not a good relationship so I broke it off. I stayed single for a year I found a group it was close to my apt. But I found a nice home in a suburb and slacked on meetings again. I started dating this wonderful man. We had many things in common hardly ever fought we always had fun on outings or just staying at home. His children loved me and we all got along. The only issue we had was his exwife. She is controlling. She became enraged when the kids started to say they loved me. She took him back to court and things started to unravel from their. She was not allowing him to see his kids even though nothing had changed in the order. She started to not be home and wouldn't answer her phone when we would go pick them up on his days. We broke up because everything was getting intense and dramatic. A few months later after we broke up I found out they got back together. When I found out I texted him to see what was going on. He said the only way he could see his kids was if he got back together with her. While together they have had several fights to where the police became involved. He even got arrested on one of the calls. She made up stuff to tell the cops then tells him she will retract what she said if he goes back to her house. It's all crazy.
None of that has anything to do with me I know but...
He still tells me he loves me and I love him as well. We can not be together. First he needs to settle his custody battle. Second I do not want to be dragged into her drama.
I feel sad a lot of the time because I feel like I finally found someone who I get along with so well. I now realize I never loved my alcoholic exhusband. I never felt love until I met this man and we can not be together.
I'm just tired of being sad all the time and I have feel like I have forgotten all my alanon tools because I haven't used them lately. I sometimes feel on shaky ground. My mind is sometimes all over the place.
The things I have to be grateful for are great coworkers, friends and family.
Iamhere said
Mar 20, 2019
Wndrwmn - welcome to MIP and welcome back to Al-Anon! Love that you shared your story and finished with a gratitude list. I am sorry to hear of your sadness and hope that getting back into recovery will help you get where you want to be. You are not alone - keep coming back. So glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. (((Hugs)))
ophelia said
Mar 20, 2019
Hi Wndrwmn,
I'm completely new here and I'm just beginning to learn about Al Anon myself, but I wanted to welcome you in solidarity. I'm going through a similar, blind-sided type of break up. Although the ex and the kids were not the cause of mine, I know what it's like to navigate all that stuff. And I completely understand the longing and disappointment of a relationship ending even though you still love each other. It's hard and it hurts. It's good that you're reaching out for support.
Skorpi said
Mar 20, 2019
Welcome back to AlAnon, Wndrwmn! I appreciate you sharing your story, and especially the gratitude list. You are in the right place. Keep coming back
Wndrwmn said
Mar 20, 2019
Thank you for welcoming me back to AlAnon
Last night I finally figured out how to use my Google home my brother gave me a year ago. And was able to put peaceful music while I read the daily reading.
It's a start on getting my peace and serenity back. Nothing has changed with my outside circumstances except I feel more calm this morning with the music and reading.
I am grateful I have a home and their is no drama at my home it's my safe place.
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 20, 2019
Welcome back, Windrwmn!
Keep working on you. You've taken the first steps... I too am grateful for a home free from drama!
Wishing you a peaceful week.
lookingup said
Mar 20, 2019
welcome back Wndrwmn,
hugs ,in recovery...Lu
Aloha said
Mar 20, 2019
Welcome back. I'm glad you remembered your tools that are available to you.
My favorite tools are: face-to-face meetings, working the steps with my sponsor, CAL, prayer, and meditation. I find I particularly start to get off-center when I miss my meetings, discussions with my sponsor, and meditation. It's always nice knowing I can go back to them any anytime, however!
El said
Mar 20, 2019
Welcome back to Alanon! Our own recovery from the effects this awful disease is so important!
Bo said
Mar 20, 2019
Welcome to alanon. Yes, the alanon program can and will help you -- if you want it to, if you attend face to face meetings, get a sponsor, start doing the work, and so on and so on.
Part of what you will learn is ACCEPTANCE. It is very hard for newcomers/beginners AND seasoned people to truly get a real handle on ACCEPTANCE. Part of it is accepting what we don't want to accept. Part of it is accepting what we are truly powerless over, but tried to exert power over. Part of it is letting go of what he want to hold onto with all our might and will.
While you need to focus on you, you have to accept that he is emotionally, spiritually, and functionally unavailable. He is not well. Not healthy. No one can tell me that the only way to see their children is by being forced to get back together with a person. There is reality and people's interpretation of reality, their story about reality, etc. They are most often, two very different things.
All the best.
Bo said
Mar 20, 2019
I think it's amazing that you are so aware of the fact that you do not and will not be dragged into her drama -- which is now THEIR drama.
You have awareness around you and your program, the tools, and you know what you need to do -- start working the program. That's great for you! For all of this, and more, this is why you will get better...if you do what you need to do. Keep doing it. One day at a time.
-- Edited by Bo on Wednesday 20th of March 2019 10:14:54 PM
Wndrwmn said
Mar 21, 2019
I have started the steps to get back on track to get my serenity back. I have already blocked him and her on all social media and even got a new phone number a few months ago. I have made steps to stay away from the drama. I am having an internal struggle. I know I love him but we can not be together. I worked hard to get away from the drama of my ex-husband. I was single 3 years before I started dating again. I remember the peace I had being alone. I remember the happiness I felt being with this man. But the drama of it all weighed too much on me. I like being in my home watching my shows, reading my books or playing my video games. (yes I am a 40 something year old lady that still plays video games lol) These things make me happy. I am also happy having my mom live with me. I enjoy a lot of things and people in my life. I just have this longing inside of me for him and the relationship we had. I guess its like that old saying it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I know he needs to get himself together and fix his own custody issues and issues with his ex-wife. I can not and will not fix these things only he can.
For myself I need to find my peace again. Enjoy life in the present.
I am grateful to have my mom with me. I am grateful that she has always been a kind and loving mother who always stood by me and encouraged me. I know I am lucky some people do not have this.
Iamhere said
Mar 21, 2019
Wndrwmn - great share, great goals and great action. Keep doing you one day at a time - you are worth it! (((Hugs)))
I started attending AlAnon in 2006 and went to meetings twice a week up until 2014. I moved to a new town far from home for work. I was divorced for a few years and started dating. I could tell it was not a good relationship so I broke it off. I stayed single for a year I found a group it was close to my apt. But I found a nice home in a suburb and slacked on meetings again. I started dating this wonderful man. We had many things in common hardly ever fought we always had fun on outings or just staying at home. His children loved me and we all got along. The only issue we had was his exwife. She is controlling. She became enraged when the kids started to say they loved me. She took him back to court and things started to unravel from their. She was not allowing him to see his kids even though nothing had changed in the order. She started to not be home and wouldn't answer her phone when we would go pick them up on his days. We broke up because everything was getting intense and dramatic. A few months later after we broke up I found out they got back together. When I found out I texted him to see what was going on. He said the only way he could see his kids was if he got back together with her. While together they have had several fights to where the police became involved. He even got arrested on one of the calls. She made up stuff to tell the cops then tells him she will retract what she said if he goes back to her house. It's all crazy.
None of that has anything to do with me I know but...
He still tells me he loves me and I love him as well. We can not be together. First he needs to settle his custody battle. Second I do not want to be dragged into her drama.
I feel sad a lot of the time because I feel like I finally found someone who I get along with so well. I now realize I never loved my alcoholic exhusband. I never felt love until I met this man and we can not be together.
I'm just tired of being sad all the time and I have feel like I have forgotten all my alanon tools because I haven't used them lately. I sometimes feel on shaky ground. My mind is sometimes all over the place.
The things I have to be grateful for are great coworkers, friends and family.
Hi Wndrwmn,
I'm completely new here and I'm just beginning to learn about Al Anon myself, but I wanted to welcome you in solidarity. I'm going through a similar, blind-sided type of break up. Although the ex and the kids were not the cause of mine, I know what it's like to navigate all that stuff. And I completely understand the longing and disappointment of a relationship ending even though you still love each other. It's hard and it hurts. It's good that you're reaching out for support.
Last night I finally figured out how to use my Google home my brother gave me a year ago. And was able to put peaceful music while I read the daily reading.
It's a start on getting my peace and serenity back. Nothing has changed with my outside circumstances except I feel more calm this morning with the music and reading.
I am grateful I have a home and their is no drama at my home it's my safe place.
Keep working on you. You've taken the first steps... I too am grateful for a home free from drama!
Wishing you a peaceful week.
hugs ,in recovery...Lu
My favorite tools are: face-to-face meetings, working the steps with my sponsor, CAL, prayer, and meditation. I find I particularly start to get off-center when I miss my meetings, discussions with my sponsor, and meditation. It's always nice knowing I can go back to them any anytime, however!
Welcome back to Alanon! Our own recovery from the effects this awful disease is so important!
Part of what you will learn is ACCEPTANCE. It is very hard for newcomers/beginners AND seasoned people to truly get a real handle on ACCEPTANCE. Part of it is accepting what we don't want to accept. Part of it is accepting what we are truly powerless over, but tried to exert power over. Part of it is letting go of what he want to hold onto with all our might and will.
While you need to focus on you, you have to accept that he is emotionally, spiritually, and functionally unavailable. He is not well. Not healthy. No one can tell me that the only way to see their children is by being forced to get back together with a person. There is reality and people's interpretation of reality, their story about reality, etc. They are most often, two very different things.
All the best.
I think it's amazing that you are so aware of the fact that you do not and will not be dragged into her drama -- which is now THEIR drama.
You have awareness around you and your program, the tools, and you know what you need to do -- start working the program. That's great for you! For all of this, and more, this is why you will get better...if you do what you need to do. Keep doing it. One day at a time.
-- Edited by Bo on Wednesday 20th of March 2019 10:14:54 PM
For myself I need to find my peace again. Enjoy life in the present.
I am grateful to have my mom with me. I am grateful that she has always been a kind and loving mother who always stood by me and encouraged me. I know I am lucky some people do not have this.