Hello MIP family! I wish I could remember and give credit to the member here who stated that rather than really focusing on herself(?) she was really just distracting herself from her A. I apologize if I am not stating this correctly. However.....it's had me thinking....
I have found different things to keep me busy (thus fooling myself that I am focusing on me) when in reality I still have one eye on my AH.
I am still doing things that hubby could do himself, just so things run smoothly for ME. Let's face it....if he has consequences for not tending to what he has to....it has a trickle-down effect to me.
I have made progress in letting go....but I have worked hard to keep our household organized, bills paid and major decisions thought out. I have worked hard to help hubby re-develop a relationship with his children that he just let go of. I have worked hard to plan vacations and outings and entertainment.
To let this all go wayside is abhorrent to me....no matter how enabling. I intellectually KNOW that I need to let him do or not do for himself and let the chips fall where they may. I have worked hard though, damnit! LOL. Although it has been for both of us, it has not been just for him, it has been for me as well.
So, how do I really focus on ME? I have interests and friends and outings without hubby. I look into and research new ideas and activities that interest me. I am not sitting home all day watching him watch TV. However, are these mere distractions......because I don't feel I have my full focus on me and I don't know how to achieve that yet. What does it mean to fully focus on me? I am busy.....but how do I truly let the ties that bond go if we are to remain a couple? I do want to remain a couple.
Today, as I became SO frustrated with his lack of energy, motivation, drive, interest, concern.....anything over and above breathing.....it came to me again that I must not be truly focused on me.
Thank you for any ESH on this,
Ellen
hotrod said
Mar 19, 2019
I can so undestand I found meetings every day, calls to sponsor , exercise class, bike riding wirh friends and yoga truly helped me to keep the focus on me You are not alone
DavidG said
Mar 19, 2019
Oh yes, El...
just sitting down- and penning a share like this one- is a great form of distraction- if not detachment.
I had to turn around from my dad's addiction to my SO's. So, how did this work? Slowly... of yes... the Alanon teaching on intimacy all round- emotion- slowly started to sink in.
I am a lark and my SO is an owl- so we pass somewhere- in the night. Mornings were like teeth tightly clenched- a time and place where anger seemed to erupt- at the drop of a hat.
I started with neutral stuff- like planning to get food for the evening meal...
...my SO is an ardent feminist so I copped it for 200,000 years of inequality. I had seen my mum drag herself up out of the mire- and I supported the concept 100%. But, oh my, lots and lots of stuff surfaced, along with all the usual family stuff.
These morning conversations, over time, grew and blossomed. We have a friendly and happy conversations, these days- by and large. She used to get onto my case big time! Not so much now.
Oh vey! I won't tell you how many years this took! But we oid get here... living in the here and now- one thing at a time.
Take heart, my friend... ...
-D.
Iamhere said
Mar 19, 2019
Ellen - I hear you ... and so understand. There is absolutely no doubt that I do 'my fair share plus' in our marriage. I too pay the bills, manage the finances, plan any outings, vacations, etc. I do all the cooking, shopping, etc. I even take care of my car. He is responsible for the yard and his car...
I have no resentments though as I am the one wants to 'do, do, do' or 'go, go, go' and if he's not ready/willing/able, I can, have and do go on without. Before recovery, I would have let his indifference, isolation, etc. affect my moods, my activities, etc. I do not any longer. I am and enjoy living my life whether he's with me or not. In the past, if I 'forced' or suggested he go to something, and he didn't want to, he'd be ready to leave before me, and often affect my 'fun'. So - there has been big changes in me even if I still do more than my fair share.
I believe that relationships are about give/take. I don't view equality as a dissection of duties, responsibilities, etc. If I need help and ask for it, he will and that's good enough for me. Mine has heart issues, and has been ill for a few months. He is in denial about what's happening and I've left him to 'it' - he will or will not go to the Doctor/Hospital when it's bad enough.
I am willing to be me, one day at a time, to stay in my marriage. I love him unconditionally no matter what he does/does not do and that's what recovery has given me. As I was sitting down to visit MIP this evening, I was just considering how much I love my life! I got up, went for a run, painted some cabinet doors for my son, went and playing 18 holes or golf, came home, cooked dinner and I am exhausted - but it's a good tired....spring has arrived and I am so grateful to be active, fit, healthy, etc. I know there will be a day when I can't do for others like I enjoy today, and I am just hopeful someone is willing to do for me!!
My plan for the next 3 days is identical - helping my son with some painting @ his house (while they are at work), then golf then .... I love being busy, staying busy, etc. I am very worried about my AH's heart health, but know I am powerless over that as much as I am this disease. I pray for him and many others each day and really work to given them to God so I can be me, enjoy my day and be of service with some fun sprinkled in.
So - there is no perfect detachment nor is there a perfect way to relationships, boundaries, recovery, etc. All we get is a daily reprieve based on our spiritual condition. I am willing to do what is suggested each day to enhance my spiritual condition, and then roll on. When I wonder, like you are, I am always gently reminded by my sponsor or others I trust in recovery that we're all about progress, and not perfection. I am way, way improved over how I used to be, so consider that a miracle. (((Hugs))) - great topic and I believe you're rocking it...
2HP said
Mar 20, 2019
The title of your post is so awesome and magnetized me.
I would first like to strongly suggest that you are indeed focusing on yourself or you wouldn't have been able to write what you did. From where I sit, you have a wonderful awareness that you probably didn't have before al-anon (acknowledge the progress!) And yet, feeling the way you do, I would say this is merely about investigating some beliefs and taking recovery deeper.
I find nothing "wrong" about doing the things that my loved ones don't or won't do.... if I will gain a benefit from my own actions as well. What would happen to YOU if these things did not get done? My guess is, you would suffer. So I suggest that when you do these things, remind yourself of your true MOTIVE to take Good care of YOU too, to enable yourself in a very good way. With this perception, you can have no resentment, your very real needs are being met.
Gentle reminder, KEEP LOW EXPECTATIONS of him as he is alcoholic and cannot care for you in these particular ways. From your post, I see this is a clear choice that YOU are making and perfectly Good. Only problem I sometimes have is when I go wishy-washy about my choices.
Personal ESH: I recently attended the funeral of my dearest al-anon friend who was married for the third time to another alcoholic. Years into that third marriage, she began attending al-anon and realized the problem and her attraction to it. This third marriage was extremely painful and difficult and she so wanted to bail out again but didn't for a very simple reason -- she did not have the energy for another divorce and did not trust the financial consequences. So her decision to stay was not about unconditional love but merely a way of taking care of herself. It just so happened, he benefitted too.
Do you see what I see? IT'S ALL GOOD. HP gives us free will to make choices and I personally feel PEACEFUL when I simply own my choices/decisions, just own it and be at ((((peace)))) with the truth. Higher Power is smiling
The other thing I suggest is revisiting your beliefs. After years of living the 12 steps, it naturally stopped being about ME or you be you or me being me, good heavens. For me, these unofficial slogans run counter to LETTING GO of the selfish ego. The only "me" for ME to emphasize in recovery is me on my side of the street, watching where my focus is, am I seeking the Higher Power ..... or am I allowing myself to be "distracted?"
Your post is a wonderful reminder, when we feel life is becoming unmanageable, we stand at the turning point and have a choice to make, we can turn back to HP through prayer or affirmations or slogans or chants or meetings.... whatever brings us back.
I- I- I can't do anything. But Spirit can.
So why distract myself from Spirit?
because I forget, lol! I'll keep coming back with you because forgetting Higher Power is not practical. Many thanks for posting.
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 20th of March 2019 10:27:21 AM
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 20th of March 2019 09:13:58 PM
Aloha said
Mar 20, 2019
Your post made me think of service work, El. Service in the program is a great way to not only take my mind off of the A, but to also actively work my recovery tools in a safe environment and be of help to others in the program.
My sponsor requires me to hold a service position - one that requires some consistent dedication, as well, so I'm not just showing up whenever it suits me. Currently for me this means I'm my home group's Ambassador (ie: key-holder, greeter). In the past I've also been group secretary, group treasurer, district secretary, group representative, area web coordinator. I also participate in service by being a sponsor, and dedicating time to various 12-step functions. For example being head of the volunteers for an AA/Al-Anon conference.
There's lots of great opportunities within our recovery program to get busy AND get better at the same time.
Thanks for your share.
El said
Mar 20, 2019
Oh my goodness.....thank you so much for the thoughtful responses to my post! I teared up reading them as each one reached me in one or more ways.
On reflection....I can further see that underneath any resentments I may feel toward my A....the greatest feeling is FEAR. Hubby used to be so handy and helpful and took to home maintenance with almost no effort. I see the major changes taking place and although there is much I can do on my own.....I am afraid of his downhill slide and what will come next. It makes me sad and it frightens me. In the meantime, I am capable and can hire out what I am not capable of. This brings me to part 2 of my reflection.......acceptance. The situation is what it is and he is now who he is. I need to accept the reality of our lives and where we are today.....not where we once were.
I am giving great thought to service to others, lowering my expectations due to disease, unconditional love, and sprinkling my days with fun. I like the reminder/validation that I am taking care of ME by handling things that need to be handled and hubby just happens to be benefiting too.
It is time for me to revisit the steps at a deeper level and to make sure I am including HP in every step of my day.
It IS a slow process and I know I have made progress to this point and will continue to grow in the program.
Thank you again for your sincere understanding and support! (((HUGS)))
Hello MIP family! I wish I could remember and give credit to the member here who stated that rather than really focusing on herself(?) she was really just distracting herself from her A. I apologize if I am not stating this correctly. However.....it's had me thinking....
I have found different things to keep me busy (thus fooling myself that I am focusing on me) when in reality I still have one eye on my AH.
I am still doing things that hubby could do himself, just so things run smoothly for ME. Let's face it....if he has consequences for not tending to what he has to....it has a trickle-down effect to me.
I have made progress in letting go....but I have worked hard to keep our household organized, bills paid and major decisions thought out. I have worked hard to help hubby re-develop a relationship with his children that he just let go of. I have worked hard to plan vacations and outings and entertainment.
To let this all go wayside is abhorrent to me....no matter how enabling. I intellectually KNOW that I need to let him do or not do for himself and let the chips fall where they may. I have worked hard though, damnit! LOL. Although it has been for both of us, it has not been just for him, it has been for me as well.
So, how do I really focus on ME? I have interests and friends and outings without hubby. I look into and research new ideas and activities that interest me. I am not sitting home all day watching him watch TV. However, are these mere distractions......because I don't feel I have my full focus on me and I don't know how to achieve that yet. What does it mean to fully focus on me? I am busy.....but how do I truly let the ties that bond go if we are to remain a couple? I do want to remain a couple.
Today, as I became SO frustrated with his lack of energy, motivation, drive, interest, concern.....anything over and above breathing.....it came to me again that I must not be truly focused on me.
Thank you for any ESH on this,
Ellen
Oh yes, El...
just sitting down- and penning a share like this one- is a great form of distraction- if not detachment.
I had to turn around from my dad's addiction to my SO's. So, how did this work? Slowly... of yes... the Alanon teaching on intimacy all round- emotion- slowly started to sink in.
I am a lark and my SO is an owl- so we pass somewhere- in the night. Mornings were like teeth tightly clenched- a time and place where anger seemed to erupt- at the drop of a hat.
I started with neutral stuff- like planning to get food for the evening meal...
...my SO is an ardent feminist so I copped it for 200,000 years of inequality. I had seen my mum drag herself up out of the mire- and I supported the concept 100%. But, oh my, lots and lots of stuff surfaced, along with all the usual family stuff.
These morning conversations, over time, grew and blossomed. We have a friendly and happy conversations, these days- by and large. She used to get onto my case big time! Not so much now.
Oh vey! I won't tell you how many years this took! But we oid get here... living in the here and now- one thing at a time.
Take heart, my friend...
...
-D.
I have no resentments though as I am the one wants to 'do, do, do' or 'go, go, go' and if he's not ready/willing/able, I can, have and do go on without. Before recovery, I would have let his indifference, isolation, etc. affect my moods, my activities, etc. I do not any longer. I am and enjoy living my life whether he's with me or not. In the past, if I 'forced' or suggested he go to something, and he didn't want to, he'd be ready to leave before me, and often affect my 'fun'. So - there has been big changes in me even if I still do more than my fair share.
I believe that relationships are about give/take. I don't view equality as a dissection of duties, responsibilities, etc. If I need help and ask for it, he will and that's good enough for me. Mine has heart issues, and has been ill for a few months. He is in denial about what's happening and I've left him to 'it' - he will or will not go to the Doctor/Hospital when it's bad enough.
I am willing to be me, one day at a time, to stay in my marriage. I love him unconditionally no matter what he does/does not do and that's what recovery has given me. As I was sitting down to visit MIP this evening, I was just considering how much I love my life! I got up, went for a run, painted some cabinet doors for my son, went and playing 18 holes or golf, came home, cooked dinner and I am exhausted - but it's a good tired....spring has arrived and I am so grateful to be active, fit, healthy, etc. I know there will be a day when I can't do for others like I enjoy today, and I am just hopeful someone is willing to do for me!!
My plan for the next 3 days is identical - helping my son with some painting @ his house (while they are at work), then golf then .... I love being busy, staying busy, etc. I am very worried about my AH's heart health, but know I am powerless over that as much as I am this disease. I pray for him and many others each day and really work to given them to God so I can be me, enjoy my day and be of service with some fun sprinkled in.
So - there is no perfect detachment nor is there a perfect way to relationships, boundaries, recovery, etc. All we get is a daily reprieve based on our spiritual condition. I am willing to do what is suggested each day to enhance my spiritual condition, and then roll on. When I wonder, like you are, I am always gently reminded by my sponsor or others I trust in recovery that we're all about progress, and not perfection. I am way, way improved over how I used to be, so consider that a miracle. (((Hugs))) - great topic and I believe you're rocking it...
The title of your post is so awesome and magnetized me.
I would first like to strongly suggest that you are indeed focusing on yourself or you wouldn't have been able to write what you did. From where I sit, you have a wonderful awareness that you probably didn't have before al-anon (acknowledge the progress!) And yet, feeling the way you do, I would say this is merely about investigating some beliefs and taking recovery deeper.
I find nothing "wrong" about doing the things that my loved ones don't or won't do.... if I will gain a benefit from my own actions as well. What would happen to YOU if these things did not get done? My guess is, you would suffer. So I suggest that when you do these things, remind yourself of your true MOTIVE to take Good care of YOU too, to enable yourself in a very good way. With this perception, you can have no resentment, your very real needs are being met.
Gentle reminder, KEEP LOW EXPECTATIONS of him as he is alcoholic and cannot care for you in these particular ways. From your post, I see this is a clear choice that YOU are making and perfectly Good. Only problem I sometimes have is when I go wishy-washy about my choices.
Personal ESH: I recently attended the funeral of my dearest al-anon friend who was married for the third time to another alcoholic. Years into that third marriage, she began attending al-anon and realized the problem and her attraction to it. This third marriage was extremely painful and difficult and she so wanted to bail out again but didn't for a very simple reason -- she did not have the energy for another divorce and did not trust the financial consequences. So her decision to stay was not about unconditional love but merely a way of taking care of herself. It just so happened, he benefitted too.
Do you see what I see? IT'S ALL GOOD. HP gives us free will to make choices and I personally feel PEACEFUL when I simply own my choices/decisions, just own it and be at ((((peace)))) with the truth. Higher Power is smiling
The other thing I suggest is revisiting your beliefs. After years of living the 12 steps, it naturally stopped being about ME or you be you or me being me, good heavens. For me, these unofficial slogans run counter to LETTING GO of the selfish ego. The only "me" for ME to emphasize in recovery is me on my side of the street, watching where my focus is, am I seeking the Higher Power ..... or am I allowing myself to be "distracted?"
Your post is a wonderful reminder, when we feel life is becoming unmanageable, we stand at the turning point and have a choice to make, we can turn back to HP through prayer or affirmations or slogans or chants or meetings.... whatever brings us back.
I- I- I can't do anything. But Spirit can.
So why distract myself from Spirit?
because I forget, lol! I'll keep coming back with you because forgetting Higher Power is not practical. Many thanks for posting.
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 20th of March 2019 10:27:21 AM
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 20th of March 2019 09:13:58 PM
My sponsor requires me to hold a service position - one that requires some consistent dedication, as well, so I'm not just showing up whenever it suits me. Currently for me this means I'm my home group's Ambassador (ie: key-holder, greeter). In the past I've also been group secretary, group treasurer, district secretary, group representative, area web coordinator. I also participate in service by being a sponsor, and dedicating time to various 12-step functions. For example being head of the volunteers for an AA/Al-Anon conference.
There's lots of great opportunities within our recovery program to get busy AND get better at the same time.
Thanks for your share.
Oh my goodness.....thank you so much for the thoughtful responses to my post! I teared up reading them as each one reached me in one or more ways.
On reflection....I can further see that underneath any resentments I may feel toward my A....the greatest feeling is FEAR. Hubby used to be so handy and helpful and took to home maintenance with almost no effort. I see the major changes taking place and although there is much I can do on my own.....I am afraid of his downhill slide and what will come next. It makes me sad and it frightens me. In the meantime, I am capable and can hire out what I am not capable of. This brings me to part 2 of my reflection.......acceptance. The situation is what it is and he is now who he is. I need to accept the reality of our lives and where we are today.....not where we once were.
I am giving great thought to service to others, lowering my expectations due to disease, unconditional love, and sprinkling my days with fun. I like the reminder/validation that I am taking care of ME by handling things that need to be handled and hubby just happens to be benefiting too.
It is time for me to revisit the steps at a deeper level and to make sure I am including HP in every step of my day.
It IS a slow process and I know I have made progress to this point and will continue to grow in the program.
Thank you again for your sincere understanding and support! (((HUGS)))
Ellen