Hi all, Im new to the group and havent posted before. I dont have a whole lot of people I can talk to about this and felt the need to get it off my chest. I thought this might be an appropriate place to do it.
When my wife and I met, we were both heavy drinkers. Wed go out together to the bars just about every night until close and generally party it up where ever we went. Fast forward a bit over 10 years and 2 kids, weve changed our habits quite a bit but in different ways. If Im to be completely honest, I probably do drink a bit more frequently than my wife. Maybe once a week Ill stop by the bar after work, have a couple of beers and socialize for an hour or two, then go home. Its rare that I get drunk- I really dont care for the feeling. My wife, while she drinks less frequently, will go out with her friends and keep going until she drops. Shed typically leave the house at 5 or 6 pm when she was going out, and often Id hear her stumble in between 2-3 in the morning, and that was on a weeknight (bars in CT close at 1 during the week).
Towards the beginning of our marriage, before kids, she had gotten a couple of DUIs within a week of each other. She was charged then as a dual first-time offender, and managed to get off fairly easily. Over the past two years, Ive been really concerned about her being out so late and getting so drunk and driving home- of course, it was only a matter of time. Last year she totaled her car on the way home and somehow managed to only get a ticket for driving too fast for conditions- I dont know how because her breath reeked of alcohol when she got home. Finally, in November of last year it happened- someone was driving behind her and called the police to report an erratic driver and she was taken in for DUI. Our attorney managed to get the prosecutor to charge it as a second offense, but in Connecticut that carries a mandatory sentence of 120 days in prison- along with the fines, loss of license, etc. She starts her sentence early next month.
Im terrified. My wife was a stay-at-home mom for our two kids, one of which is special needs. Financially we were paycheck to paycheck already. Even though the attorney says shell likely only serve 60 days of her sentence, being a non-violent offender, I now have to figure out how Im going to manage to shuffle 2 kids between pre-school, day-care, Dr appointments and physical therapy, etc. while still going to work so I can keep a roof over the head. Somehow I also need to make room in the already over-stretched budget for day-care. My parents are willing to help, but they are both still working too and live an hour away from us. Her father and his girlfriend are closer by but arent really reliable supports. I know that somehow well get through all this This too shall pass but at this point, I just dont know how, or what pieces will be left when we get through it.
On top of this, it seems she still hasnt hit bottom yet. Shes anxious and worried about doing time but doesnt seem to be accepting it as a consequence of her actions. Shes constantly pulling up articles about people that have gotten out of doing jail time for other crimes and comparing it to her situation. At first, I tried reasoning with her about how the situations couldnt be compared, how our system is far from perfect, but she knew the consequences ahead of time- but inevitably it ends up in an argument, so Ive taken to ignoring her comments altogether. Shes continued to go out and drink and generally act as she had before though without driving since she lost her license. Shes picked up this holier than thou attitude about it. If she wants a drink shell rationalize every which way to Tuesday how it's appropriate and acceptable for her to do so, but shell be the first to criticize when or how anybody else is drinking.
Im at wit's end at this point. There is a part of me that really hopes that the lesson in all this will be learned and that once this is all over we can pick up the pieces and re-group. Theres also a part of me that just wants to cut my losses and give up. If it werent for our kids I probably would have walked already.
JerryF said
Mar 17, 2019
Aloha Ken and welcome to the board. Mostly you are reading my history up to and including "cutting my losses". I married the women I drank with one of which was alcoholic and addict and who wished she could drinking like me. Alcohol affects women differently than men because of our physical make up and you can if you wish read about that on the net. Alcohol is addictive for both of us men and women however it brings the female closer/faster to addiction and death.
"I wish I could drink like you" my former wife would say without knowing the outcomes which included everything you have mentioned here and the loss of our family.
Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence. If it is not arrested it will progress into insanity (which kinds expresses your condition) and/or death. It affects the entire family equally and you can find out much more about this continuing to come here and listen to the responses from other family members (MIP family).
My Alcoholic/addict wife did finally enter inpatient rehab and last time I saw and spoke and hugged her she was beautifully sober and then it wasn't I who convinced her to do that but a power much greater than I who I hope continues to lead her in that direction.
My suggestion to you can only be what I know which is my continued participation in the Al-Anon Family Groups and AA. Yes I am also alcoholic who has stayed alive as a result of my daily membership in recovery. I can only suggest what has been given to and worked for me. You chose to come here to listen to the fellowship which has in large part walked your journey. I suggest you continue coming and reading and asking and following thru on the suggestions. I know CT has Al-Anon recovery. Check out the white pages of your telephone book and see where we are and when we meet in your area.
Keep coming back. ((((Hugs))))
DavidG said
Mar 17, 2019
Welcome to MIP Alanon, Ken...
Just reaching out and making a connection- is a big leap of faith.
Our Step One says something like this- We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.
It really often always seem that the other person's life is way out of whack- way out of control. [And yes- it most often is!]
But Alanon teaches us to take care of ourselves first. Like if we fall out of an aircraft- we pull our own ripcord first- before trying to catch someone else.
I am a regular member, here at MIP. This is my Alanon home group...
...it is early morning Monday here... I am chilling out. Remembering to deep breath.
I want my brain to be in gear before I venture out... life is good now, overall; but this did not come easy.
Not that the way was hard- or impossible, really. Just that I had a hard time letting go- letting go of "things" rather than the alcoholic in my life...
we have to open our mouth, before drawing breath, and also before we speak.
It's as simple as that, for me- one thing at a time; one day at a time... ...
Bo said
Mar 17, 2019
Ken, I am sorry you are going through all of this. Many people here, me being one of them, has gone through what you are going through. Many people, again, me being one, has felt the way you are feeling now. And, many people here, me again, has seen what you are seeing. That said...those many people, and me...we have gotten through it...and we have gotten better!!! That is no small fact to discount or gloss over. That is critical and don't ever forget it. So, keep it simple...how do you get better? Do what we did!
Here's what I did...one you have faced the reality that "she still hasnt hit bottom yet." -- and you facing it is a good thing. It's sad she hasn't, but it's good you know it. Far too many people in alanon are in DENIAL. So, you are ready to face another reality...she will not quit drinking UNLESS AND UNTIL SHE wants to. Not you, not me, not anyone. She has to want to do it. And there is nothing you can say or do about that...hence...STEP ONE...We are powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable. Step one is about ACCEPTANCE. Once you accept that--truly accept it--than you can begin to focus on YOU, and be there, be present, and be healthy, and clear thinking, for YOU and your KIDS. But you can't do those things if you are focused on HER. Stop focusing on her.
Next, go to face to face alanon meetings. You may feel now more than ever you don't have time, but make the time. Go. She's still around now. Detach from her physically and emotionally, don't engage in her rationalization, her nonsense, or her efforts to get into back and forth's with you. Let he figure it all out on her own. Let her be anxious and worried about doing time. If you play any part in that -- then she will not hit her rock bottom!!! Let her be alone with it, thinking about, worrying about it, having the anxiety. Don't be a part of that...don't try and fix it, don't try and resolve it for her....or else you are ENABLING. Stop focusing on her! Go to face to face alanon meetings...and find a SPONSOR.
Then, start doing the work!!! Here in NJ, we have 45 alanon meetings a week in my county. Almost every day and night of the week. So, I am grateful and spoiled, LOL. Find a sponsor and he will begin to do the work with you. Start learning what we need to do to get better, to get healthy...it works if you work it...so work it...you are worth it! Children need one sane, healthy, well thinking parent. That must be you. Do it.
All of the rest of your questions...you'll figure that out in time. You have the next action step(s) in front of you. Keep coming back.
Iamhere said
Mar 17, 2019
Welcome to MIP CTKen....glad you found us and glad that you jumped in and shared. As Jerry suggests, alcoholism is progressive disease which has no real cure - only treatment through abstinence. It is classified as a family disease as most who live with or love one who drinks too much get sucked in. We find ourselves walking on eggshells, enabling and doing for others what they should do for themselves, all to keep the 'machine working'. What we discover at some point is that we have become a person different than desired, as a result of the drinking in another. Al-Anon is a program for friends and family concerned about alcohol consumption in a loved one. It is modeled as AA is - 12 Steps + Literature + Sponsorship + Fellowship, and we learn how to detach with love, set boundaries for our own sanity, and find our center, peace and joy again.
Face to face meetings are recommended for those with access to them. The program is designed for all to be equal - nobody has seniority, everyone shares when ready, we don't give advice - instead we offer ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) to each other. Each member is given an opportunity to learn, progress, heal and deal in their time frame, as/when ready.
One key element of this disease is denial. Most of us (friends and family) are in denial about the damage being done, until we can't bear it any more. We often think we are stuck, there's no way out, etc. For me, Al-Anon has given me my sanity back as well as healthy boundaries for living life peacefully. One of the first things I heard in Al-Anon was the three C(s) - I didn't cause this, I can't control this and I can't cure this. I needed to hear this when I did as I kept thinking there was something 'out there' I hadn't tried yet that would turn things around for those I love.
Instead, I found a blueprint for living that has given me my self back and saved my marriage/family. I am sorry that you are experiencing this part of the disease - consequences and righteous indignation (huge denial). For me, when one is facing serious consequences based on actions, and throws shame/blame on the system, and any where it might stick, it helps me really understand the depth of insanity this disease causes.
I hope you know you are not alone. and it can and will get better! One Day at a time, by doing the next right thing, peace and sanity can be restored. Keep coming back - you've arrived at a great place to begin helping yourself!
Mattie said
Mar 18, 2019
I'm glad you have found us. And I'm sorry you're going through this.
This is not easy in any way. But in a way you have an early warning here. When I was with my alcoholic husband, I soon had to do all the childcare - picking up and dropping off, getting daycare, making sure our kid was never alone in the house with my husband - because an alcoholic simply can't be trusted around kids. The alcoholic may mean well, but their judgment is so off that they take crazy risks. At first they just drink "sometimes," but then the secrecy starts - the hidden drinking at home, in the morning, while the kids are playing, whenever. And it always gets worse, it never gets better, not unless they work a formal program of recovery very hard. What I'm saying is that now you know the tragic truth of the situation. I suspect she would not be safe to drive the kids around and take care of them even if she weren't going to jail. I know it may look as if she only drinks on the nights out. That was how my husband looked for a while too. But ...
Being a single parent is hard. No question it is hard. You need a lot of sources of support and a lot of helpers. I arranged kid exchanges with all my kid's friends' parents. I called in every favor every once ever offered, and I did a lot of favors for people so they'd owe me more favors. I worked hard. Eventually my kid grew up and didn't need any more childcare, thank heavens. Until then, our system is brutal. It's every man for himself, I'm afraid. But thousands of us have managed it. I know it's hard but I know you'll manage it too. Also a local Al-Anon people will be full of folks who've been in the same place and will know good local resources.
When she's not in prison, please take care and don't risk your children's safety. Keep your eye out for the secrecy. I was blind for too long, but eventually I realized what was up. Take good care of yourself and your kids. Hope you'll keep coming back.
Aloha said
Mar 18, 2019
This is one step forward in the right direction for you, Ken. I'm glad you're here. And you're absolutely right - there's going to be a lot of lessons in this for not only your wife, but you, as well.
Have you checked the al-anon website for meetings near you?
If you're willing and open, you'll find the help you need. Step one is seeing our powerlessness over alcohol and how our desire to control it has made life unmanageable for us. I know the pain you must feel when you're finding yourself typing that you're ready to cut your losses and give up.
Get to face-to-face meetings, find yourself a sponsor and start working the steps. Solutions will start to come to you. In the meantime, I'm glad you're here and you're seeking help.
Bo said
Mar 18, 2019
By the way...when you check with your local AIS (Alanon Information Services) office, check online, ask them, etc. -- and look around -- you may find a meeting list like this:
This is the meeting list for Bergen County, NJ. Many local districts have their own sites, meeting lists, etc. Most AIS offices have meeting lists for the state or their "district" or "area"
Hi all, Im new to the group and havent posted before. I dont have a whole lot of people I can talk to about this and felt the need to get it off my chest. I thought this might be an appropriate place to do it.
When my wife and I met, we were both heavy drinkers. Wed go out together to the bars just about every night until close and generally party it up where ever we went. Fast forward a bit over 10 years and 2 kids, weve changed our habits quite a bit but in different ways. If Im to be completely honest, I probably do drink a bit more frequently than my wife. Maybe once a week Ill stop by the bar after work, have a couple of beers and socialize for an hour or two, then go home. Its rare that I get drunk- I really dont care for the feeling. My wife, while she drinks less frequently, will go out with her friends and keep going until she drops. Shed typically leave the house at 5 or 6 pm when she was going out, and often Id hear her stumble in between 2-3 in the morning, and that was on a weeknight (bars in CT close at 1 during the week).
Towards the beginning of our marriage, before kids, she had gotten a couple of DUIs within a week of each other. She was charged then as a dual first-time offender, and managed to get off fairly easily. Over the past two years, Ive been really concerned about her being out so late and getting so drunk and driving home- of course, it was only a matter of time. Last year she totaled her car on the way home and somehow managed to only get a ticket for driving too fast for conditions- I dont know how because her breath reeked of alcohol when she got home. Finally, in November of last year it happened- someone was driving behind her and called the police to report an erratic driver and she was taken in for DUI. Our attorney managed to get the prosecutor to charge it as a second offense, but in Connecticut that carries a mandatory sentence of 120 days in prison- along with the fines, loss of license, etc. She starts her sentence early next month.
Im terrified. My wife was a stay-at-home mom for our two kids, one of which is special needs. Financially we were paycheck to paycheck already. Even though the attorney says shell likely only serve 60 days of her sentence, being a non-violent offender, I now have to figure out how Im going to manage to shuffle 2 kids between pre-school, day-care, Dr appointments and physical therapy, etc. while still going to work so I can keep a roof over the head. Somehow I also need to make room in the already over-stretched budget for day-care. My parents are willing to help, but they are both still working too and live an hour away from us. Her father and his girlfriend are closer by but arent really reliable supports. I know that somehow well get through all this This too shall pass but at this point, I just dont know how, or what pieces will be left when we get through it.
On top of this, it seems she still hasnt hit bottom yet. Shes anxious and worried about doing time but doesnt seem to be accepting it as a consequence of her actions. Shes constantly pulling up articles about people that have gotten out of doing jail time for other crimes and comparing it to her situation. At first, I tried reasoning with her about how the situations couldnt be compared, how our system is far from perfect, but she knew the consequences ahead of time- but inevitably it ends up in an argument, so Ive taken to ignoring her comments altogether. Shes continued to go out and drink and generally act as she had before though without driving since she lost her license. Shes picked up this holier than thou attitude about it. If she wants a drink shell rationalize every which way to Tuesday how it's appropriate and acceptable for her to do so, but shell be the first to criticize when or how anybody else is drinking.
Im at wit's end at this point. There is a part of me that really hopes that the lesson in all this will be learned and that once this is all over we can pick up the pieces and re-group. Theres also a part of me that just wants to cut my losses and give up. If it werent for our kids I probably would have walked already.
Aloha Ken and welcome to the board. Mostly you are reading my history up to and including "cutting my losses". I married the women I drank with one of which was alcoholic and addict and who wished she could drinking like me. Alcohol affects women differently than men because of our physical make up and you can if you wish read about that on the net. Alcohol is addictive for both of us men and women however it brings the female closer/faster to addiction and death.
"I wish I could drink like you" my former wife would say without knowing the outcomes which included everything you have mentioned here and the loss of our family.
Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence. If it is not arrested it will progress into insanity (which kinds expresses your condition) and/or death. It affects the entire family equally and you can find out much more about this continuing to come here and listen to the responses from other family members (MIP family).
My Alcoholic/addict wife did finally enter inpatient rehab and last time I saw and spoke and hugged her she was beautifully sober and then it wasn't I who convinced her to do that but a power much greater than I who I hope continues to lead her in that direction.
My suggestion to you can only be what I know which is my continued participation in the Al-Anon Family Groups and AA. Yes I am also alcoholic who has stayed alive as a result of my daily membership in recovery. I can only suggest what has been given to and worked for me. You chose to come here to listen to the fellowship which has in large part walked your journey. I suggest you continue coming and reading and asking and following thru on the suggestions. I know CT has Al-Anon recovery. Check out the white pages of your telephone book and see where we are and when we meet in your area.
Keep coming back. ((((Hugs))))
Just reaching out and making a connection- is a big leap of faith.
Our Step One says something like this- We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.
It really often always seem that the other person's life is way out of whack- way out of control. [And yes- it most often is!]
But Alanon teaches us to take care of ourselves first. Like if we fall out of an aircraft- we pull our own ripcord first- before trying to catch someone else.
I am a regular member, here at MIP. This is my Alanon home group...
...it is early morning Monday here... I am chilling out. Remembering to deep breath.
I want my brain to be in gear before I venture out... life is good now, overall; but this did not come easy.
Not that the way was hard- or impossible, really. Just that I had a hard time letting go- letting go of "things" rather than the alcoholic in my life...
we have to open our mouth, before drawing breath, and also before we speak.
It's as simple as that, for me- one thing at a time; one day at a time...
...
Here's what I did...one you have faced the reality that "she still hasnt hit bottom yet." -- and you facing it is a good thing. It's sad she hasn't, but it's good you know it. Far too many people in alanon are in DENIAL. So, you are ready to face another reality...she will not quit drinking UNLESS AND UNTIL SHE wants to. Not you, not me, not anyone. She has to want to do it. And there is nothing you can say or do about that...hence...STEP ONE...We are powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable. Step one is about ACCEPTANCE. Once you accept that--truly accept it--than you can begin to focus on YOU, and be there, be present, and be healthy, and clear thinking, for YOU and your KIDS. But you can't do those things if you are focused on HER. Stop focusing on her.
Next, go to face to face alanon meetings. You may feel now more than ever you don't have time, but make the time. Go. She's still around now. Detach from her physically and emotionally, don't engage in her rationalization, her nonsense, or her efforts to get into back and forth's with you. Let he figure it all out on her own. Let her be anxious and worried about doing time. If you play any part in that -- then she will not hit her rock bottom!!! Let her be alone with it, thinking about, worrying about it, having the anxiety. Don't be a part of that...don't try and fix it, don't try and resolve it for her....or else you are ENABLING. Stop focusing on her! Go to face to face alanon meetings...and find a SPONSOR.
Then, start doing the work!!! Here in NJ, we have 45 alanon meetings a week in my county. Almost every day and night of the week. So, I am grateful and spoiled, LOL. Find a sponsor and he will begin to do the work with you. Start learning what we need to do to get better, to get healthy...it works if you work it...so work it...you are worth it! Children need one sane, healthy, well thinking parent. That must be you. Do it.
All of the rest of your questions...you'll figure that out in time. You have the next action step(s) in front of you. Keep coming back.
Face to face meetings are recommended for those with access to them. The program is designed for all to be equal - nobody has seniority, everyone shares when ready, we don't give advice - instead we offer ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) to each other. Each member is given an opportunity to learn, progress, heal and deal in their time frame, as/when ready.
One key element of this disease is denial. Most of us (friends and family) are in denial about the damage being done, until we can't bear it any more. We often think we are stuck, there's no way out, etc. For me, Al-Anon has given me my sanity back as well as healthy boundaries for living life peacefully. One of the first things I heard in Al-Anon was the three C(s) - I didn't cause this, I can't control this and I can't cure this. I needed to hear this when I did as I kept thinking there was something 'out there' I hadn't tried yet that would turn things around for those I love.
Instead, I found a blueprint for living that has given me my self back and saved my marriage/family. I am sorry that you are experiencing this part of the disease - consequences and righteous indignation (huge denial). For me, when one is facing serious consequences based on actions, and throws shame/blame on the system, and any where it might stick, it helps me really understand the depth of insanity this disease causes.
I hope you know you are not alone. and it can and will get better! One Day at a time, by doing the next right thing, peace and sanity can be restored. Keep coming back - you've arrived at a great place to begin helping yourself!
I'm glad you have found us. And I'm sorry you're going through this.
This is not easy in any way. But in a way you have an early warning here. When I was with my alcoholic husband, I soon had to do all the childcare - picking up and dropping off, getting daycare, making sure our kid was never alone in the house with my husband - because an alcoholic simply can't be trusted around kids. The alcoholic may mean well, but their judgment is so off that they take crazy risks. At first they just drink "sometimes," but then the secrecy starts - the hidden drinking at home, in the morning, while the kids are playing, whenever. And it always gets worse, it never gets better, not unless they work a formal program of recovery very hard. What I'm saying is that now you know the tragic truth of the situation. I suspect she would not be safe to drive the kids around and take care of them even if she weren't going to jail. I know it may look as if she only drinks on the nights out. That was how my husband looked for a while too. But ...
Being a single parent is hard. No question it is hard. You need a lot of sources of support and a lot of helpers. I arranged kid exchanges with all my kid's friends' parents. I called in every favor every once ever offered, and I did a lot of favors for people so they'd owe me more favors. I worked hard. Eventually my kid grew up and didn't need any more childcare, thank heavens. Until then, our system is brutal. It's every man for himself, I'm afraid. But thousands of us have managed it. I know it's hard but I know you'll manage it too. Also a local Al-Anon people will be full of folks who've been in the same place and will know good local resources.
When she's not in prison, please take care and don't risk your children's safety. Keep your eye out for the secrecy. I was blind for too long, but eventually I realized what was up. Take good care of yourself and your kids. Hope you'll keep coming back.
This is one step forward in the right direction for you, Ken. I'm glad you're here. And you're absolutely right - there's going to be a lot of lessons in this for not only your wife, but you, as well.
Have you checked the al-anon website for meetings near you?
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
If you're willing and open, you'll find the help you need. Step one is seeing our powerlessness over alcohol and how our desire to control it has made life unmanageable for us. I know the pain you must feel when you're finding yourself typing that you're ready to cut your losses and give up.
Get to face-to-face meetings, find yourself a sponsor and start working the steps. Solutions will start to come to you. In the meantime, I'm glad you're here and you're seeking help.
bergencountyalanon.com/
This is the meeting list for Bergen County, NJ. Many local districts have their own sites, meeting lists, etc. Most AIS offices have meeting lists for the state or their "district" or "area"
Good luck.