AH had nothing to drink Tuesday or Wednesday. Tonight instead of the typical case of beer PLUS a six pack that he brings home nearly every other night, he brought home ONLY a six pack and drank only one. Its been at least a year since hes gone this long without getting drunk, aside from during the short visit from his family this fall. He always abstains around them. Obviously hes trying to cut down. It would be fantastic if it could continue this way. But it wont. He thinks he can control it. He cant. Not long-term. Weve been down this road before and I know where it leads. And still I feel guilty that I dont believe in him. And theres even a part of me that is angry at him. Im currently walking on eggshells around him because I honestly dont know what to expect from him when hes not either drunk or hungover. Its really only been 2 days and already things are almost awkward between us. And I hate it. Its so uncomfortable. Id be all in for being uncomfortable for a while if it was in the context of him quitting completely. But its not and so the anger builds. I want to be supportive in any positive move he attempts to make but Im resentful because I know that ultimately nothing is going to change. Hes not really ready.
Jill said
Mar 14, 2019
Twinkles, I remember thinking I could be supportive. I thought if I acted or did the wrong thing, it would have an effect on his drinking.
Now I think he will drink or not, and it is regardless of my behavior and words.
It is up to him.
Once I bought into me not influencing his behavior, slowly I could do for myself what I needed done.
These were all small steps.
My experience.
Iamhere said
Mar 14, 2019
(((Twinkies))) - Similar to Jill, I really had to accept that I was as powerless over the alcohol as I was the alcoholic - nothing I did could make them drink and nothing I did could get them sober. For me, when I am feeling restless, irritable or discontent about life or another, I really have to lean into my program as I've forgotten to stay present (in this moment and this day) and I'm considering giving my power away (again). My sponsor suggested to me that instead of focusing on what's broken or wrong in my day to focus on what's improved or good in my day. She even asked me to combat each negative thought I had with 2 positive things. It was a huge challenge in the beginning but as with all things in recovery, it got easier with practice.
My son is currently practicing 'controlling' his disease. It's painful to watch and yet it's not controlling me simply because I am focused on the present. He does have a job, and he's not in jail ---- both of which are significant improvements from a year ago. If I were in control, I would say that he's not where he should be....however, I am not and I do believe that HP doesn't have grandchildren and I need to detach from his journey as best I can. He's having a birthday tomorrow and I am making dinner and a cake. I have no expectations - he might even have/make other plans - but I have a plan that I can live with.
I am as supportive as I can be. This does not mean I ignore my emotions, feelings, etc. Nor do I fake any pleasure at where he is. But, no matter the reason, I can excuse myself when necessary for self-care and prayer. I am reminded by your post that I have choices always even when I wonder.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
el-cee said
Mar 15, 2019
Miracles do happen but I so understand how you feel. I had to go to Alanon and really learn about the nature of this disease before I was able to let go of a variety of expectations I had that were always going to lead to disappointment because they were built on a lack of understanding.
As far as I have learned this disease is three fold, mental, spiritual and physical and so abstaining from drinking or cutting down may be helping the physical part so his body may get a bit better. As far as the mental and spiritual just putting down the bottle does nothing for that because the drink is the solution for these parts of the disease. So I think its a bit like having a mental and spiritual disease that is torture to live with so the drink offer relief for the person which in turn effects the physical aspect. So putting down the 'solution' the drink means the other symptoms are extra strong and unbearable without some other 'power' a higher power and other alcoholics really.
Its very sad. I did hear an AA speaker say they were congratulated for finding some sort of solution ie the drink because this mental and spiritual disease is unbearable for the sufferer.
The fact he is trying to cut down is progress in itself whether its long lasting or not. One day at a time is vital for this I believe. My son reached out for help a couple of weeks ago and put down the bottle. I have stayed out, not asked or enquired if this has lasted or ongoing partly because Im scared to ask and partly because I have handed him over to a higher power, his and mine, I cant help or assist. I need to let him go. Letting go of our loved one is hard but crucial. For me I just try to pray, share my thoughts and feelings with an Alanon person and truly stay away form conversations regarding drinking or recovering, its truly none of my business. My business is me my life my behaviour my obsessions my recovery. I hope you find a way to focus in on you and let him go.
-- Edited by el-cee on Friday 15th of March 2019 06:58:50 AM
KT2015 said
Mar 15, 2019
Hey Twinkies, I can relate to your post. I've seen my AH do the same thing and get sucked back in. I used to be hopeful when he would cut back too hopeful only to be hugely disappointed when he started again. Then the next time I would be negative and resentful that he was even trying. My AH does this often. Attempts to cut back only to get sucked back in. I've really come to believe it's a disease and I've learned to detach with love. I don't think my AH wakes up in the morning thinking he wants to drink and get drunk that day but it's his only coping mechanism and he holds on really tight to it. It's a disease and it's his disease not mine. My group meetings have really helped me learn to put the focus back on me. It took me probably over a year or two to stop watching what my AH was doing. I slowly started to look at what I was doing. My sponsor often said to me "The alcoholic is going to drink, what are you going to do?" I hated when she said it but she was right. The days I was my most miserable were the days that I sat around and watched him drink and counted drinks especially if he had been cutting back earlier and I was hopeful. I needed the constant reminder that I am powerless over alcohol. I'm happy to say that slowly I started to focus on what I wanted to do with my life. I started making plans to do my own things that I wanted to accomplish. I made myself a big long list of the things that weren't getting accomplished while I was watching my AH drink. Whenever I would be tempted to focus on him I would go to my list. I went to meetings. I set up a schedule to go to the gym three times a week. I started to organize things in my home. I repaired some things around the house that I wanted done for a while. I started to meditate. I caught up on some TV shows that I wanted to watch. I made appointments I needed to follow up on. I got caught up on some work in the evenings. I had fun with my daughter. It was a very slow and gradual process but with the help of my sponsor I really got in a better habit of putting the focus back on me and my life. In doing that I handed my AH over to my Higher Power. It is up to my AH and his HP if and when he finds sobriety. I hope that he does but I can't focus my life on it or I won't have a life of my own. I had a realization this past summer that me focusing on his drinking was making me into the person I don't want to be. I was treating him like a child. I decided he was an adult and capable of figuring out what to do about his drinking. Focusing on his drinking was quite frankly boring and frustrating. At the end of my life I don't want a running tally in my head about his drinking and his behaviour and his life I want stories about my own life and my own joy and my own accomplishments. I'm not sure what would help you put the focus back on yourself but what helped me in the beginning was attending meetings when I was in the state you described. Where I live there is a meeting almost every night. Or if I couldn't get out due to child care I would attend meetings on here. I hope you find something that helps you in this area.
-- Edited by KT2015 on Friday 15th of March 2019 09:19:42 AM
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 15, 2019
Hugs, Twinkies. I have walked your path.
Always because I had hope and expectations. Like others who posted before me, through this program I learned to temper my hope, dial down my expectations (ground level), and focus on me and what I wanted out of my life. I practiced DETACHMENT.
Turns out, I truly believe that there are some realistic expectations to being married (and I don't apologize to my F2F group about believing in them - I mean, holding down a job and contributing to the family's well-being? C'mon! There is nothing unrealistic about that if that is how you "set up" your marriage from the get-go), and I no longer wanted to be married to my alcoholic with all the chaos that comes along with it. Before I filed for divorce, I did my Step 4 (fearlessly), and realized I didn't even want to live with the possibility of relapse in my life - so that onus was on me. I must say I went 'round and 'round for months discussing in my head the merits of the argument of "Is it a disease, or is it a choice?" In the end, it didn't matter. All that really mattered was what I wanted out of MY LIFE & could I ACCEPT my spouse AT THIS MOMENT. What I wanted, he could not give me, and it ended up I couldn't accept him at his stage of the disease of addiction. I chose my path and have no regrets.
May peace envelope you today and this weekend!
Namaste!
Bo said
Mar 15, 2019
Twinkies wrote:
AH had nothing to drink Tuesday or Wednesday. Tonight instead of the typical case of beer PLUS a six pack that he brings home nearly every other night, he brought home ONLY a six pack and drank only one. Its been at least a year since hes gone this long without getting drunk, aside from during the short visit from his family this fall. He always abstains around them. Obviously hes trying to cut down. It would be fantastic if it could continue this way. But it wont. He thinks he can control it. He cant. Not long-term. Weve been down this road before and I know where it leads. And still I feel guilty that I dont believe in him. And theres even a part of me that is angry at him. Im currently walking on eggshells around him because I honestly dont know what to expect from him when hes not either drunk or hungover. Its really only been 2 days and already things are almost awkward between us. And I hate it. Its so uncomfortable. Id be all in for being uncomfortable for a while if it was in the context of him quitting completely. But its not and so the anger builds. I want to be supportive in any positive move he attempts to make but Im resentful because I know that ultimately nothing is going to change. Hes not really ready.
Be supportive of what? Trying to cut back? Trying to cut down? Be supportive of the theory that he can control it? I think you are supposed to feel the way you feel. Don't fight it. What to the first three steps tell us? Acceptance, surrender and let go. It applies to "all out affairs" and all parts of our lives...especially the way we feel.
You are not supposed to believe he can control it. You are not supposed to enable. You are not supposed to support his drinking. You are right...NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.
So, go change what you can...YOU.
Go change who you can...YOU.
Aloha said
Mar 15, 2019
Everyone's already said it, but ultimately I found I started getting better when I stopped wrapping myself around what the alcoholic was doing in my life. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and that was no way to live.
I didn't just magically flip a switch and become the Perfect Al-Anon overnight, either. I know it's hard to switch focus. It takes time and a lot of practice, but the beauty of alcoholism is that it'll give you infinite opportunities to catch yourself and change the game.
Whenever I finally did catch myself thinking obsessively about the alcoholic, trying to figure out the next move, I would pull out my literature and read, or get to a meeting, or call my sponsor, or do something in the realm of self-care, like go get a massage, or watch a funny move, call a friend and have lunch, etc.
I had to operate with detachment a lot, else I'd simply lose myself in what was ultimately someone else's problems and responsibilities.
2HP said
Mar 15, 2019
Denial keeps the dis-ease going.
He is in denial over all the pain and humiliation of his previous attempts to simply "cut back."
While you are trying to come out of denial and admit powerlessness over powerful alcohol.
You can TRUST what you know.
F2F meetings, meetings, and MORE meetings helped me so much with that feeling.... am I crazy??
JerryF said
Mar 15, 2019
Great honest post Twinkies and it reminds me of the journey I have come on and how it has worked so very well and for sooo long. I was told and taught that this journey would take me a while to get and that it started with only one step admitting I was powerless. When I came to believing that the fight went out of me and I started looking around for things that I could do that would grow my peace of mind and serenity. I made use of as much of Al-Anon's ESH and other tools as I could. I stumbled and bumped into people, places and things as a newbie yet grew excited that my life could and would change if I would just keep coming back and practice/work the program. Learning the basic starter stuff they use to mention at early meetings helped me to take my focus off of my alcoholic/addict wife more and see her as a sick woman rather than a bad woman which was safe and beneficial to her recovery and life. I was a danger to her and myself as a spouse/partner of a very very sick person.
I learned the descriptions of the alcoholic and alcoholic partnership because I came to understand that I didn't know that information and didn't even know that I didn't know. Lots of the stuff I learned came from the AMA journal and I came to believe it. "Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body" I loved a woman who was killing herself and couldn't want to stop it. "It can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence" ...Bad, Terrible, Frightening awareness...It is a"fatal disease which can never be cured, only arrested by total abstinence" which wasn't what she was doing or trying to do at that time. Truly I was powerless. I continued to hate the disease and not my alcoholic and learned behaviors called compassion, empathy, mercy even and I got better day after day while she continued to drink and get sicker.
I learned I wasn't the reason she drank...the compulsion was so I tried anything to not fuel the compulsion I stopped drinking myself and drinking with her and even talking about it. When I stopped trying to fix her...I was getting fixed myself; a real honest to goodness certifiable miracle witnessed often by others.
The AMA spoke of the friends and family getting mentally and emotionally worse off than the alcoholic because we didn't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality and that imbedded itself into my self awareness...it was true I was sicker and a threat to both her and my own lives. I stopped all alcohol and all alcoholic and saw step two, especially the last word of it come true and then also realized that my Higher Power was using her to show me humility with willingness.
I accepted the behavior of believing without exception just as my alcoholic wife would. She entered a inpatient recovery program and on the first morning of her program treatment her counselor found her sitting on the edge of her bed with a bag over her hear and when he asked her "Why the bag"? she responded, "I have come to understand that if I don't allow myself to be led blindly thru recovery...I will never make it". One of the members of the inpatient family groups brought that incident to our Al-Anon Group the night it happened and I could hear my Higher Power whisper in my ear, "See". Today I see clearly That God will do for me what I will not do for myself and often can't.
Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Humility is being teachable.
Kcsnooze said
Mar 17, 2019
PnP,
I would love to talk to you offline. Your story so matches mine.
Susan
Twinkies said
Mar 17, 2019
I so appreciate all of your responses! After reading them and taking some time to absorb what each of you were saying, I was able to see that I still have so much work to do on myself. While I am learning to detach with love, Im still not really focusing on ME. Rather, Im simply doing things to distract myself from the situation. Which has been working fairly well as a short-term fix in that it has helped break the habit somewhat. But I know that in order to really and truly begin to overcome, Im going to need to really and truly focus on myself. The truth is that I dont really know who I am outside of and without him. I have spent so many years now focusing on him and his alcoholism, on trying to maintain the facade of a happy home, on protecting my children, that Ive lost all sense of who I am as an individual. And so I allow moments like this, where he flirts with attempting sobriety, to suck any positivity Ive managed to built up right out of me. Because secretly, to the point that I didnt even realize it myself, Im still hoping and waiting on HIM to make me happy. Lightbulb moment. Thank you all for flipping the switch for me.
Bo said
Mar 17, 2019
Twinkies wrote:
I so appreciate all of your responses! After reading them and taking some time to absorb what each of you were saying, I was able to see that I still have so much work to do on myself. While I am learning to detach with love, Im still not really focusing on ME. Rather, Im simply doing things to distract myself from the situation. Which has been working fairly well as a short-term fix in that it has helped break the habit somewhat. But I know that in order to really and truly begin to overcome, Im going to need to really and truly focus on myself. The truth is that I dont really know who I am outside of and without him. I have spent so many years now focusing on him and his alcoholism, on trying to maintain the facade of a happy home, on protecting my children, that Ive lost all sense of who I am as an individual. And so I allow moments like this, where he flirts with attempting sobriety, to suck any positivity Ive managed to built up right out of me. Because secretly, to the point that I didnt even realize it myself, Im still hoping and waiting on HIM to make me happy. Lightbulb moment. Thank you all for flipping the switch for me.
What incredible clarity and awareness!!! I admire and respect what you've done!!!
Iamhere said
Mar 18, 2019
(((Twinkies))) - your share reminded me of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. We are all Miracles in Progress, so we are successful, one day at a time, as we see our progress and move forward. There is no wrong way to healing - for me, I tend to grow through pain and new 'life' experiences.
I recall a startling awareness similar to yours. One day, I realized I too had no idea who I (as a stand-alone person) was. I started by making a list of all my 'hats' - daughter, sister, cousin, friend, wife, mother, sponsor, employee, etc....and shared with my sponsor. We talked about what role was most important to me. I selected mother. We then talked about what role was most important to my HP. I struggled, at which she suggested my list was not complete. I continued to think about it and just could not find another 'hat' - she then suggested I had forgotten the most important - a loving, lovable child of the most high...ME. Really made me see just how little I valued me as a stand-alone person and gave me a simple foundation to consider who I am as I heal/deal/grow.
You got this - you also are the same - a loving, lovable child of your HP! Keep coming back - we are not alone!
Bo said
Mar 18, 2019
We sometimes hear in face to face meetings...the alcoholic has their arms around the bottle...and we have our arms around them.
It is very common for "us" -- the family of the alcoholic -- to lose ourselves. Because we are obsessed, so focused, on the alcoholic. It is part of OUR disease, OUR sickness. That's why we have OUR program. It's amazing -- and I am grateful -- that the 12 steps of each program only have one word that is different, but they are two separate and distinct programs. We take a different approach and have a different perspective than AA, because we have a different disease, a different sickness. Yes, both 12 step programs, yes, both about recovery, getting better, clean and sober for AA, and for some, clean and sober for alanon too -- clean and sober from the alcoholic, unhealthy thinking, behaviors, stinking thinking, and so on -- but different diseases, difference sicknesses.
Yes, newcomers/beginners, and even seasoned people fall into denial, or use distractions, and no, the real issue isn't being addressed. The problem doesn't go away. But, to each their own path, and when someone is ready, if they are ready, they will do what they need to do, in their own time.
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 18, 2019
Twinkies wrote:
I so appreciate all of your responses! After reading them and taking some time to absorb what each of you were saying, I was able to see that I still have so much work to do on myself. While I am learning to detach with love, Im still not really focusing on ME. Rather, Im simply doing things to distract myself from the situation. Which has been working fairly well as a short-term fix in that it has helped break the habit somewhat. But I know that in order to really and truly begin to overcome, Im going to need to really and truly focus on myself. The truth is that I dont really know who I am outside of and without him. I have spent so many years now focusing on him and his alcoholism, on trying to maintain the facade of a happy home, on protecting my children, that Ive lost all sense of who I am as an individual. And so I allow moments like this, where he flirts with attempting sobriety, to suck any positivity Ive managed to built up right out of me. Because secretly, to the point that I didnt even realize it myself, Im still hoping and waiting on HIM to make me happy. Lightbulb moment. Thank you all for flipping the switch for me.
There IT is! The light bulb moment!
It happened for me as well, when I realized that I had lived my married life always working on maintaining that facade of the "happy home."
Great work and progress, Twinkies!! Keep posting your journey!
May peace be your constant companion this week!
Namaste!
Bo said
Mar 18, 2019
I love the light-bulb moments! Why? Because it's the program working!!! All of this, us losing ourselves, not realizing, not seeing that we are so wrapped up in the alcoholic/addict...that is the BLIND-SPOT!
Yes, denial, deflection, distraction, and so many others things, but it all becomes a BLIND-SPOT. Then, it happens. And, we get to see it. Many beginners/newcomers struggle -- and they don't know the struggle -- they become so consumed and obsessed, and they don't even know it's consuming them or an obsession. BANG!!! There's our disease!!!
These break-through's are incredible!!!
Bo said
Mar 19, 2019
BTW, the "hate not knowing" -- there are two other aspects here -- first, not knowing is about the future. We don't know the future. We can't. Alanon teaches us one day at a time, sometimes it can be one minute at a time, being present, not projecting, being in the moment, keeping your head where your feet are. So, what do you know? You know the present, you know what is now, right now...and right now...he is drinking.
Second...expectations. Plain and simple. Check your motives. Check your expectations. Be open and honest in looking at your role, your thinking.
All of the above is what my sponsor told me in an email when I was going through the same thing.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 22, 2019
Twinkies wrote:
AH had nothing to drink Tuesday or Wednesday. Tonight instead of the typical case of beer PLUS a six pack that he brings home nearly every other night, he brought home ONLY a six pack and drank only one. Its been at least a year since hes gone this long without getting drunk, aside from during the short visit from his family this fall. He always abstains around them. Obviously hes trying to cut down. It would be fantastic if it could continue this way. But it wont. He thinks he can control it. He cant. Not long-term. Weve been down this road before and I know where it leads. And still I feel guilty that I dont believe in him. And theres even a part of me that is angry at him. Im currently walking on eggshells around him because I honestly dont know what to expect from him when hes not either drunk or hungover. Its really only been 2 days and already things are almost awkward between us. And I hate it. Its so uncomfortable. Id be all in for being uncomfortable for a while if it was in the context of him quitting completely. But its not and so the anger builds. I want to be supportive in any positive move he attempts to make but Im resentful because I know that ultimately nothing is going to change. Hes not really ready.
My first therapist who was in AA and a HORRIBLE therapist by the way .. she wasn't for me .. LOL .. said to me S .. you aren't going to let go until you believe you have done everything you can do .. on one hand it's an admirable quality on the other you won't make it out alive because there will be nothing left. She was absolutely right in that instance. I have a very dear friend and this is where she is at with her adult kid. She's unable to move forward and unable to let go .. she remains stuck with the statement this is the last time she will go down this road. This time she's choosing to do an intervention. My friend the non addict is not ready to let go. Her kiddo isn't done either. I probably upset her a great deal yesterday because I tend to touch on things people aren't ready to hear.
I challenge you to think about what does letting go look like to you? Letting go of resentments? Letting go of expectations? Letting go of control? Letting go of what your AH does or doesn't do? I get a little concerned when I read how you talk about him because your safety is always first and foremost.
I am not talking about ultimatums or leaving .. I am strictly talking about what does letting go look like to you. If you have a sponsor I think it would be a good topic to get some outside perspectives on and find one that works .. the nice thing about perspectives if they can change and evolve.
This isn't about him drinking or not drinking .. although that's what I took away from your posting, it's really about regardless if he's done or not .. how do you want to change regarding the triggers the completely diseased behavior of an addict .. the disease wants what the disease wants .. so what are you going to do?
Big hugs, miracles happen every day and I wouldn't believe any active addict because that's the disease speaking and the disease lies. That's not on the addict that's on me for expecting an active addict to be honest. I have yet to see that happen.
S :)
Twinkies said
Mar 23, 2019
SerenityRUS wrote:
.
My first therapist who was in AA and a HORRIBLE therapist by the way .. she wasn't for me .. LOL .. said to me S .. you aren't going to let go until you believe you have done everything you can do .. on one hand it's an admirable quality on the other you won't make it out alive because there will be nothing left. She was absolutely right in that instance. I have a very dear friend and this is where she is at with her adult kid. She's unable to move forward and unable to let go .. she remains stuck with the statement this is the last time she will go down this road. This time she's choosing to do an intervention. My friend the non addict is not ready to let go. Her kiddo isn't done either. I probably upset her a great deal yesterday because I tend to touch on things people aren't ready to hear.
I challenge you to think about what does letting go look like to you? Letting go of resentments? Letting go of expectations? Letting go of control? Letting go of what your AH does or doesn't do? I get a little concerned when I read how you talk about him because your safety is always first and foremost.
I am not talking about ultimatums or leaving .. I am strictly talking about what does letting go look like to you. If you have a sponsor I think it would be a good topic to get some outside perspectives on and find one that works .. the nice thing about perspectives if they can change and evolve.
This isn't about him drinking or not drinking .. although that's what I took away from your posting, it's really about regardless if he's done or not .. how do you want to change regarding the triggers the completely diseased behavior of an addict .. the disease wants what the disease wants .. so what are you going to do?
Big hugs, miracles happen every day and I wouldn't believe any active addict because that's the disease speaking and the disease lies. That's not on the addict that's on me for expecting an active addict to be honest. I have yet to see that happen.
S :)
Thank you so much for your response. I appreciate the concern for my safety - physically there is no issue. Hes never been abusive. Mentally and emotionally, well...thats a different story but one of my own making. I allow his drinking to take a toll on me and while I think Im learning how to let go, its proving to be a difficult task. There are times I feel like I get it, that Im getting pretty good at it actually...and then, all of a sudden, I panic and before I know it, Im reaching back, trying to regain my grasp on the reins so to speak. I think part of it, and I sort of spoke to it in another post, is that, in some respects at least, Im trying to heal myself for *him*. Ive tried everything I know to get him to confront his disease but nothing works. My attempts at learning through Alanon are definitely about finding relief for myself...but if Im being honest, part of me also hopes that in doing this, hell find the courage to face his own demons. So to answer your question, I think I know what letting go looks like to me, but actually doing it terrifies me because it means risking losing the love of my life and everything weve worked for and built together. And that fear keeps me hanging on to those unhealthy expectations, which only leads to anger and resentment. I underthe value in Letting go and letting God and Im slowly working up the courage. But Im struggling with it for sure.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 26, 2019
Twinks,
You can let go of it all without having to let go of the relationship should that be the path that works for you.
I probably need to qualify what I mean by letting go .. it's letting go of all of the stuff holding you back from your own growth. I know many people who are happy regardless if their A is actively drinking or not and can do so without trying to change the active A.
That was not the outcome for me based upon the fact there was to much water under the bridge and I was already drowning trying to already be a present single parent. It wasn't ok for the kids to pay the collateral damage of the fact I hadn't recovered from my own childhood. So leaving was not a choice it was a necessity for my own survival. Even my Ex's when you look at it.
So to rephrase .. what's it going to take for you to let go of what's holding you back from your own growth.
If you can live your own life be happy regardless of what is going on with the A or not then more power to you because that is some serious program work happening daily. I am starting to believe I am not hard wired for relationships I have a very disconnected idea of them.
Keep taking care of you and the rest will take care of itself.
Now I think he will drink or not, and it is regardless of my behavior and words.
It is up to him.
Once I bought into me not influencing his behavior, slowly I could do for myself what I needed done.
These were all small steps.
My experience.
My son is currently practicing 'controlling' his disease. It's painful to watch and yet it's not controlling me simply because I am focused on the present. He does have a job, and he's not in jail ---- both of which are significant improvements from a year ago. If I were in control, I would say that he's not where he should be....however, I am not and I do believe that HP doesn't have grandchildren and I need to detach from his journey as best I can. He's having a birthday tomorrow and I am making dinner and a cake. I have no expectations - he might even have/make other plans - but I have a plan that I can live with.
I am as supportive as I can be. This does not mean I ignore my emotions, feelings, etc. Nor do I fake any pleasure at where he is. But, no matter the reason, I can excuse myself when necessary for self-care and prayer. I am reminded by your post that I have choices always even when I wonder.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
Miracles do happen but I so understand how you feel. I had to go to Alanon and really learn about the nature of this disease before I was able to let go of a variety of expectations I had that were always going to lead to disappointment because they were built on a lack of understanding.
As far as I have learned this disease is three fold, mental, spiritual and physical and so abstaining from drinking or cutting down may be helping the physical part so his body may get a bit better. As far as the mental and spiritual just putting down the bottle does nothing for that because the drink is the solution for these parts of the disease. So I think its a bit like having a mental and spiritual disease that is torture to live with so the drink offer relief for the person which in turn effects the physical aspect. So putting down the 'solution' the drink means the other symptoms are extra strong and unbearable without some other 'power' a higher power and other alcoholics really.
Its very sad. I did hear an AA speaker say they were congratulated for finding some sort of solution ie the drink because this mental and spiritual disease is unbearable for the sufferer.
The fact he is trying to cut down is progress in itself whether its long lasting or not. One day at a time is vital for this I believe. My son reached out for help a couple of weeks ago and put down the bottle. I have stayed out, not asked or enquired if this has lasted or ongoing partly because Im scared to ask and partly because I have handed him over to a higher power, his and mine, I cant help or assist. I need to let him go. Letting go of our loved one is hard but crucial. For me I just try to pray, share my thoughts and feelings with an Alanon person and truly stay away form conversations regarding drinking or recovering, its truly none of my business. My business is me my life my behaviour my obsessions my recovery. I hope you find a way to focus in on you and let him go.
-- Edited by el-cee on Friday 15th of March 2019 06:58:50 AM
Hey Twinkies,
I can relate to your post. I've seen my AH do the same thing and get sucked back in. I used to be hopeful when he would cut back too hopeful only to be hugely disappointed when he started again. Then the next time I would be negative and resentful that he was even trying. My AH does this often. Attempts to cut back only to get sucked back in. I've really come to believe it's a disease and I've learned to detach with love. I don't think my AH wakes up in the morning thinking he wants to drink and get drunk that day but it's his only coping mechanism and he holds on really tight to it. It's a disease and it's his disease not mine. My group meetings have really helped me learn to put the focus back on me. It took me probably over a year or two to stop watching what my AH was doing. I slowly started to look at what I was doing. My sponsor often said to me "The alcoholic is going to drink, what are you going to do?" I hated when she said it but she was right. The days I was my most miserable were the days that I sat around and watched him drink and counted drinks especially if he had been cutting back earlier and I was hopeful. I needed the constant reminder that I am powerless over alcohol. I'm happy to say that slowly I started to focus on what I wanted to do with my life. I started making plans to do my own things that I wanted to accomplish. I made myself a big long list of the things that weren't getting accomplished while I was watching my AH drink. Whenever I would be tempted to focus on him I would go to my list. I went to meetings. I set up a schedule to go to the gym three times a week. I started to organize things in my home. I repaired some things around the house that I wanted done for a while. I started to meditate. I caught up on some TV shows that I wanted to watch. I made appointments I needed to follow up on. I got caught up on some work in the evenings. I had fun with my daughter. It was a very slow and gradual process but with the help of my sponsor I really got in a better habit of putting the focus back on me and my life. In doing that I handed my AH over to my Higher Power. It is up to my AH and his HP if and when he finds sobriety. I hope that he does but I can't focus my life on it or I won't have a life of my own. I had a realization this past summer that me focusing on his drinking was making me into the person I don't want to be. I was treating him like a child. I decided he was an adult and capable of figuring out what to do about his drinking. Focusing on his drinking was quite frankly boring and frustrating. At the end of my life I don't want a running tally in my head about his drinking and his behaviour and his life I want stories about my own life and my own joy and my own accomplishments. I'm not sure what would help you put the focus back on yourself but what helped me in the beginning was attending meetings when I was in the state you described. Where I live there is a meeting almost every night. Or if I couldn't get out due to child care I would attend meetings on here. I hope you find something that helps you in this area.
-- Edited by KT2015 on Friday 15th of March 2019 09:19:42 AM
Always because I had hope and expectations. Like others who posted before me, through this program I learned to temper my hope, dial down my expectations (ground level), and focus on me and what I wanted out of my life. I practiced DETACHMENT.
Turns out, I truly believe that there are some realistic expectations to being married (and I don't apologize to my F2F group about believing in them - I mean, holding down a job and contributing to the family's well-being? C'mon! There is nothing unrealistic about that if that is how you "set up" your marriage from the get-go), and I no longer wanted to be married to my alcoholic with all the chaos that comes along with it. Before I filed for divorce, I did my Step 4 (fearlessly), and realized I didn't even want to live with the possibility of relapse in my life - so that onus was on me. I must say I went 'round and 'round for months discussing in my head the merits of the argument of "Is it a disease, or is it a choice?" In the end, it didn't matter. All that really mattered was what I wanted out of MY LIFE & could I ACCEPT my spouse AT THIS MOMENT. What I wanted, he could not give me, and it ended up I couldn't accept him at his stage of the disease of addiction. I chose my path and have no regrets.
May peace envelope you today and this weekend!
Namaste!
Be supportive of what? Trying to cut back? Trying to cut down? Be supportive of the theory that he can control it? I think you are supposed to feel the way you feel. Don't fight it. What to the first three steps tell us? Acceptance, surrender and let go. It applies to "all out affairs" and all parts of our lives...especially the way we feel.
You are not supposed to believe he can control it. You are not supposed to enable. You are not supposed to support his drinking. You are right...NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.
So, go change what you can...YOU.
Go change who you can...YOU.
I didn't just magically flip a switch and become the Perfect Al-Anon overnight, either. I know it's hard to switch focus. It takes time and a lot of practice, but the beauty of alcoholism is that it'll give you infinite opportunities to catch yourself and change the game.
Whenever I finally did catch myself thinking obsessively about the alcoholic, trying to figure out the next move, I would pull out my literature and read, or get to a meeting, or call my sponsor, or do something in the realm of self-care, like go get a massage, or watch a funny move, call a friend and have lunch, etc.
I had to operate with detachment a lot, else I'd simply lose myself in what was ultimately someone else's problems and responsibilities.
He is in denial over all the pain and humiliation of his previous attempts to simply "cut back."
While you are trying to come out of denial and admit powerlessness over powerful alcohol.
You can TRUST what you know.
F2F meetings, meetings, and MORE meetings helped me so much with that feeling.... am I crazy??
Great honest post Twinkies and it reminds me of the journey I have come on and how it has worked so very well and for sooo long. I was told and taught that this journey would take me a while to get and that it started with only one step admitting I was powerless. When I came to believing that the fight went out of me and I started looking around for things that I could do that would grow my peace of mind and serenity. I made use of as much of Al-Anon's ESH and other tools as I could. I stumbled and bumped into people, places and things as a newbie yet grew excited that my life could and would change if I would just keep coming back and practice/work the program. Learning the basic starter stuff they use to mention at early meetings helped me to take my focus off of my alcoholic/addict wife more and see her as a sick woman rather than a bad woman which was safe and beneficial to her recovery and life. I was a danger to her and myself as a spouse/partner of a very very sick person.
I learned the descriptions of the alcoholic and alcoholic partnership because I came to understand that I didn't know that information and didn't even know that I didn't know. Lots of the stuff I learned came from the AMA journal and I came to believe it. "Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body" I loved a woman who was killing herself and couldn't want to stop it. "It can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence" ...Bad, Terrible, Frightening awareness...It is a"fatal disease which can never be cured, only arrested by total abstinence" which wasn't what she was doing or trying to do at that time. Truly I was powerless. I continued to hate the disease and not my alcoholic and learned behaviors called compassion, empathy, mercy even and I got better day after day while she continued to drink and get sicker.
I learned I wasn't the reason she drank...the compulsion was so I tried anything to not fuel the compulsion I stopped drinking myself and drinking with her and even talking about it. When I stopped trying to fix her...I was getting fixed myself; a real honest to goodness certifiable miracle witnessed often by others.
The AMA spoke of the friends and family getting mentally and emotionally worse off than the alcoholic because we didn't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality and that imbedded itself into my self awareness...it was true I was sicker and a threat to both her and my own lives. I stopped all alcohol and all alcoholic and saw step two, especially the last word of it come true and then also realized that my Higher Power was using her to show me humility with willingness.
I accepted the behavior of believing without exception just as my alcoholic wife would. She entered a inpatient recovery program and on the first morning of her program treatment her counselor found her sitting on the edge of her bed with a bag over her hear and when he asked her "Why the bag"? she responded, "I have come to understand that if I don't allow myself to be led blindly thru recovery...I will never make it". One of the members of the inpatient family groups brought that incident to our Al-Anon Group the night it happened and I could hear my Higher Power whisper in my ear, "See". Today I see clearly That God will do for me what I will not do for myself and often can't.
Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Humility is being teachable.
PnP,
I would love to talk to you offline. Your story so matches mine.
Susan
What incredible clarity and awareness!!! I admire and respect what you've done!!!
I recall a startling awareness similar to yours. One day, I realized I too had no idea who I (as a stand-alone person) was. I started by making a list of all my 'hats' - daughter, sister, cousin, friend, wife, mother, sponsor, employee, etc....and shared with my sponsor. We talked about what role was most important to me. I selected mother. We then talked about what role was most important to my HP. I struggled, at which she suggested my list was not complete. I continued to think about it and just could not find another 'hat' - she then suggested I had forgotten the most important - a loving, lovable child of the most high...ME. Really made me see just how little I valued me as a stand-alone person and gave me a simple foundation to consider who I am as I heal/deal/grow.
You got this - you also are the same - a loving, lovable child of your HP! Keep coming back - we are not alone!
It is very common for "us" -- the family of the alcoholic -- to lose ourselves. Because we are obsessed, so focused, on the alcoholic. It is part of OUR disease, OUR sickness. That's why we have OUR program. It's amazing -- and I am grateful -- that the 12 steps of each program only have one word that is different, but they are two separate and distinct programs. We take a different approach and have a different perspective than AA, because we have a different disease, a different sickness. Yes, both 12 step programs, yes, both about recovery, getting better, clean and sober for AA, and for some, clean and sober for alanon too -- clean and sober from the alcoholic, unhealthy thinking, behaviors, stinking thinking, and so on -- but different diseases, difference sicknesses.
Yes, newcomers/beginners, and even seasoned people fall into denial, or use distractions, and no, the real issue isn't being addressed. The problem doesn't go away. But, to each their own path, and when someone is ready, if they are ready, they will do what they need to do, in their own time.
There IT is! The light bulb moment!
It happened for me as well, when I realized that I had lived my married life always working on maintaining that facade of the "happy home."
Great work and progress, Twinkies!! Keep posting your journey!
May peace be your constant companion this week!
Namaste!
Yes, denial, deflection, distraction, and so many others things, but it all becomes a BLIND-SPOT. Then, it happens. And, we get to see it. Many beginners/newcomers struggle -- and they don't know the struggle -- they become so consumed and obsessed, and they don't even know it's consuming them or an obsession. BANG!!! There's our disease!!!
These break-through's are incredible!!!
Second...expectations. Plain and simple. Check your motives. Check your expectations. Be open and honest in looking at your role, your thinking.
All of the above is what my sponsor told me in an email when I was going through the same thing.
My first therapist who was in AA and a HORRIBLE therapist by the way .. she wasn't for me .. LOL .. said to me S .. you aren't going to let go until you believe you have done everything you can do .. on one hand it's an admirable quality on the other you won't make it out alive because there will be nothing left. She was absolutely right in that instance. I have a very dear friend and this is where she is at with her adult kid. She's unable to move forward and unable to let go .. she remains stuck with the statement this is the last time she will go down this road. This time she's choosing to do an intervention. My friend the non addict is not ready to let go. Her kiddo isn't done either. I probably upset her a great deal yesterday because I tend to touch on things people aren't ready to hear.
I challenge you to think about what does letting go look like to you? Letting go of resentments? Letting go of expectations? Letting go of control? Letting go of what your AH does or doesn't do? I get a little concerned when I read how you talk about him because your safety is always first and foremost.
I am not talking about ultimatums or leaving .. I am strictly talking about what does letting go look like to you. If you have a sponsor I think it would be a good topic to get some outside perspectives on and find one that works .. the nice thing about perspectives if they can change and evolve.
This isn't about him drinking or not drinking .. although that's what I took away from your posting, it's really about regardless if he's done or not .. how do you want to change regarding the triggers the completely diseased behavior of an addict .. the disease wants what the disease wants .. so what are you going to do?
Big hugs, miracles happen every day and I wouldn't believe any active addict because that's the disease speaking and the disease lies. That's not on the addict that's on me for expecting an active addict to be honest. I have yet to see that happen.
S :)
.
Twinks,
You can let go of it all without having to let go of the relationship should that be the path that works for you.
I probably need to qualify what I mean by letting go .. it's letting go of all of the stuff holding you back from your own growth. I know many people who are happy regardless if their A is actively drinking or not and can do so without trying to change the active A.
That was not the outcome for me based upon the fact there was to much water under the bridge and I was already drowning trying to already be a present single parent. It wasn't ok for the kids to pay the collateral damage of the fact I hadn't recovered from my own childhood. So leaving was not a choice it was a necessity for my own survival. Even my Ex's when you look at it.
So to rephrase .. what's it going to take for you to let go of what's holding you back from your own growth.
If you can live your own life be happy regardless of what is going on with the A or not then more power to you because that is some serious program work happening daily. I am starting to believe I am not hard wired for relationships I have a very disconnected idea of them.
Keep taking care of you and the rest will take care of itself.
Hugs S :)