"What many have described as love or intimacy before reaching Program was actually codependence or rigid control."
Before we came to program, we thought intimacy was that secret word that pertained to sex and making love. We thought it was about taking care of the other person, doing for the other person, and losing ourselves in the other person - because we loved them so much!
Sure, we all want to be close to our partners, but before recovery many of us lay in the same bed with them and felt a million miles away, starving for affection. We settled for crumbs, and we didn't even realize it. We did everything to convince ourselves we were that happy family portrait on the wall.
Today, in recovery, intimacy has developed into what it was meant to be. We have honest conversations with our partners and close friends and are not afraid to express opinions. We surround ourselves with people who care about us, people we don't fear. We have healthy conversations about money and other important issues, and we don't coerce or manipulate people through shame and guilt. We fill our cup with the freedom of choice. We have healthy partnerships and understand what real intimacy is about. We feel joy.
On this day I will trust myself enough to be open to true intimacy in my relationships.
I'm not sure I knew WHAT Intimacy was....sex most likely!!! but anything else?? Like what is intimacy???
I learned in recovery...it is IN TO ME SEE....allowing others , SAFE OTHERS, in my life, letting them see my feelings, know my fears, my vulnerabilities...letting them SEE INTO ME...the real me..not just the strong but the weak...not just the tough but the vulnerable...not just the brave but the fearful...not just the independent me, but the "I need help" me....All of it
of course I will always be careful whom I let that close...That is a special place, now....when I was soo sick, I would share my life story with the milkman and lie like hell and deny like hell to the ones who COULD have cared for me.....protection device for sure...Also, I didn't care if the milkman avoided me, but I would have cared for a person I wanted to abandon me....
hotrod said
Mar 9, 2019
Great Reminder Rose I like to look AT tHE WORD THIS WAY: " into me see".
IT HELPS ME TO UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF THE WORD
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 9, 2019
Eye-opening post, Rose. Thank you!
Lyne said
Mar 10, 2019
Thanks Rose for that reading and share. I surely was confused about intimacy for many, many years, and am only truly understanding what it really means through program. I thought I was a mature adult, but was not. Alanon teaches me many important life lessons. I am certainly handling my life better today, Lyne
andromeda said
Mar 12, 2019
I think, for me, lately when it comes to intimacy is that I've realized just how many folks out there aren't healthy and aren't open to vulnerability and intimacy. I am learning how to discern who is safe to share with and mostly it comes down to people in program and a select few friends. I'm slowly learning that intimacy is about sharing me, all of me, the good the bad and the ugly and trusting that I've shared in a way that is honest and truthful without expectations from the other person(s) as far as a reaction goes. In other words, I don't share to have people have pity on me, or to be sad for me, or to despair with me. I share because I want people to see me, no matter what the outcome may be.
mamalioness said
Mar 14, 2019
I am learning how to discern who is safe to share with and mostly it comes down to people in program and a select few friends
***************************************
Oh Andromeda, this is soooo spot on....I used to tell my life story to the milkman because (I see now) that I didn't care if he avoided me, but tell someone who COULD and WOULD love and accept me???? Oh no!! I was too afraid of rejection...
now I've learned discernment...I keep my "heavy" stuff in recovery...here on MIP AND, as you said, a VERY few select close friends....I have a fac2fac recovery pal now, shes lovely...we share and care with each other and its great...hanging out, doing stuff together when we can on weekends and the recovery work we share.....my BFF , I can tell it all to...my beloved Cuzin and my other BFF and that is IT as far as non-recovery folks sharing with
JerryF said
Mar 14, 2019
Good post Rose. The danger of intimacy for me use to be the fear of rejection and for me today that is reduced by the feeling of need. Learning to reduce my characteristics of neediness makes intimacy for me justified. ((((hugs))))
mamalioness said
Mar 14, 2019
((((((((((Jerry))))))))))) AS USUAL, I can sure relate to your share, here!!! Beautifully said and yea, I resonate 100% with it...after I began tearing down the walls and began erecting chain link fences, I sorta "saw" and became needy...what I had shut out previously, I now craved...i had to balance both....I think I am sorta swinging more in the center now....
Intimacy
"What many have described as love or intimacy before reaching Program was actually codependence or rigid control."
Before we came to program, we thought intimacy was that secret word that pertained to sex and making love. We thought it was about taking care of the other person, doing for the other person, and losing ourselves in the other person - because we loved them so much!
Sure, we all want to be close to our partners, but before recovery many of us lay in the same bed with them and felt a million miles away, starving for affection. We settled for crumbs, and we didn't even realize it. We did everything to convince ourselves we were that happy family portrait on the wall.
Today, in recovery, intimacy has developed into what it was meant to be. We have honest conversations with our partners and close friends and are not afraid to express opinions. We surround ourselves with people who care about us, people we don't fear. We have healthy conversations about money and other important issues, and we don't coerce or manipulate people through shame and guilt. We fill our cup with the freedom of choice. We have healthy partnerships and understand what real intimacy is about. We feel joy.
On this day I will trust myself enough to be open to true intimacy in my relationships.
********************************************************
I'm not sure I knew WHAT Intimacy was....sex most likely!!! but anything else?? Like what is intimacy???
I learned in recovery...it is IN TO ME SEE....allowing others , SAFE OTHERS, in my life, letting them see my feelings, know my fears, my vulnerabilities...letting them SEE INTO ME...the real me..not just the strong but the weak...not just the tough but the vulnerable...not just the brave but the fearful...not just the independent me, but the "I need help" me....All of it
of course I will always be careful whom I let that close...That is a special place, now....when I was soo sick, I would share my life story with the milkman and lie like hell and deny like hell to the ones who COULD have cared for me.....protection device for sure...Also, I didn't care if the milkman avoided me, but I would have cared for a person I wanted to abandon me....
Great Reminder Rose I like to look AT tHE WORD THIS WAY: " into me see".
IT HELPS ME TO UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF THE WORD
***************************************
Oh Andromeda, this is soooo spot on....I used to tell my life story to the milkman because (I see now) that I didn't care if he avoided me, but tell someone who COULD and WOULD love and accept me???? Oh no!! I was too afraid of rejection...
now I've learned discernment...I keep my "heavy" stuff in recovery...here on MIP AND, as you said, a VERY few select close friends....I have a fac2fac recovery pal now, shes lovely...we share and care with each other and its great...hanging out, doing stuff together when we can on weekends and the recovery work we share.....my BFF , I can tell it all to...my beloved Cuzin and my other BFF and that is IT as far as non-recovery folks sharing with
Good post Rose. The danger of intimacy for me use to be the fear of rejection and for me today that is reduced by the feeling of need. Learning to reduce my characteristics of neediness makes intimacy for me justified. ((((hugs))))