THE KEY IS WILLINGNESS

Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock
and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that
we can always open it some more.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 35

The willingness to give up my pride and self-will to a
Power greater than myself has proved to be the only
ingredient absolutely necessary to solve all of my
problems today. Even the smallest amount of willingness,
if sincere, is sufficient to allow God to enter and
take control over my problem, pain, or obsession. My
level of comfort is in direct relation to the degree of
willingness I possess at any given moment to give up my
self-will, and allow God's will to be manifested in my
life. With the key of willingness, my worries and fears
are powerfully transformed into serenity.

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TWO YEARS of one thing after another, on top of a life already ladened with lots of hardship and being alone with no family didn't help.....

I was already broken and beaten by childhood abuse and trauma that noone should have to go through, so I had had hopes that my adult, especially my recovery life would be happier..

What was I doing wrong??? why growth in some ways, but my circumstances usually SUCKED???  

I'm tired..I want to be able to take decent care of me and not have to worry so much about setbacks on a very tight budget...I was wondering these things...

15 years of recovery and seems that , yea, I feel better about me, but the same ole crap (hardship and bad luck) was not lifting..LOADS of losses and yea, I made life changes to cope and survive...I'm healthier in lots of respects but LIFE is not better....so what was I doing wrong??? 

Life beating me down slowly...At first I didn't take much notice until starting around Labor day 2018 when I got my first back spasm...(I had 3 in about 4-5 months span----LOTS even for me)  I began to slide into a depression state

I was losing interest in my friends on facebook...not "up to" going to the gym so I would do my workouts at home, blasting my tunes to escape the misery and pain of my life of late....Escaping into fantasy because it was the only time I was REAL happy...

I began to kinda avoid people and talking to them because I was tired of relating bad news, so I didn't take any calls for a while...(Finally some TRUE blue friends who wouldn't give up trying to connect with me, I told them WHY I was backing off)  I just didn't want to "bum them out" with my BS

I was even considering dumping all this recovery work because yea, I am getting better at me, but being sober (no self medicating) I could SEE, just how crappy my life IS.....drinking and smoking pot with my friends, at least gave me a respite, but No!!! I dont' want to go there...I want to resolve this..someway, somehow, i want to face and resolve what I am doing wrong..

problems, one after another hitting me like hail on an aging roof....Pounding me, leaving "pits" in their wake, and I would no sooner recover and BANG!!! Another problem/trial would hit...They were coming at such regularity, I really had no time to recover from the last one when the next one would hit....deaths (yea, nature)  job loss and failure to replace, multiple back spasms and BAD ones.. multiple relationships ending, financial struggle, and setbacks threatening me financially,  TWO attacks of termites in less then a year,  I think it began when my dog got killed 2 years ago...one thing after another and there are heaps more, but I think you get my drift....

I was trying to "dodge bullets" and I wasn't really living...Just coping...trying to survive...trying to put out the next "fire ball" tossed at me....was it spiritual attack???  I don't know, but when my lil fat girl got this terrible wound this past couple of days , that was the straw that broke my back....that was it.....

I broke down and told God that "I can't do this anymore----I am wary of you, frightened of you,  not sure I can trust you...but I am WILLING...Please help me..."

I made the commitment to step 3...I surrendered my life and my will/ego AND my burdens over to my Higher Power....I decided to STOP viewing HP as what my parents portrayed, but what program portrays...the promises...the transformation I see in others....Yea, I want that for ME!!!!   Yes, I know life is going to toss balls of manure at me, yea, but my life was out of balance....more S*** then the good /wanted stuff....so it was time....

I told HP if he/she would get me out of this miserable state of being and , yea, sure, I know bad stuff will happen, but I need some GOOD stuff, like one more client to make better money so I am not so tight...ease up on the back spasms so I can have a decent quality of life......give me my BIRTHRIGHT to a livable life where I have good health (physical and mental)  enough money to take good care of me, healthy love in my life, and healthy self expression....

I told HP, if he/she would heal my horrid circumstances, I would make the commitment to REALLY give myself to step 3...to give over my life and my will and my ego, et al to my HP of my understanding....The HP that is the source of all things loving, abundant, healing, etc., I am READY to commit and I am DOING the step....

Do I have doubts and fears??? SURE!!!  But I'll do it anyway!!!

HP can work wtih willingness...and Booooy am I willing....and I KNOW, my HP can work with a willing heart..........we ACA'rs have trust issues...Mine are reeeel deep, but I am willing....OHHHH I am WILLING to cast my burdens and stop trying to fight life on my power and my way....YES!!!  HP helps those who help themselves...DO all I can...Step 3 it after that...leave the outcome and the "Big stuff"  to the BIG HP of the universe...

Maybe by doing this final (making my peace with an reconciling with step 3) ,commitment to the step that I've sorta avoided all these years, Life can be better and I can have more positiveness and the good will come, too...

Life will never be a rose garden, but it doesn't have to be the firestorm that it has been for me, all of my life, practically...ITS TIME!!!   TIME to let HP do the "big stuff" , to work the outcome that is best for me....

Thank you for reading me......

((Rose)) I do hear you and can relate. Please remember that these difficult times do provide us with the ability to face life with courage, wisdom and determination. I have had practice in developing each and am grateful for the lessons.  The C2c reading for today speaks about the silk worm as an example.

.  
The good has finally surfaced in my life and how "sweet it is". Please DO NOT Give up before the miracle.

(((((Rose))))).Very expressive seemingly like the rants I use to do that were warnings to others..."Stand back!!  Don't get near!!".  What I hated the most was the feelings of it that took away  my peace of mind and serenity which I had been promised from the program.  I am very not a good person when life seemingly wasn't going my way which included being dangerous to others.  My thinking and awareness was incomplete.  I was wanting the roses and forgetting until one evening meeting that Roses Have Thorns also and then I relaxed into knowing that my acceptances must be for the entire picture and if and when I could/would do that I would arrive at peace of mind and serenity which is really all I wanted.  Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems.  Stay willing and thank you for this post.   ((((hugs)))) 

Good Job Rose!!  Letting go is major recovery work.   (((((hugs))))) 

Sending my best to you, Rose!

Ellen

(((Ellen)))) Thank you so much...

For me willingness is also about my will. When has my will worked? What I want, me "forcing" my will, when has that gone well? I love how people say they let go, are not forcing their will, have detached, whatever...but they haven't. I love it because there is still hope...hope for them to get better. That's why we -- why this program teaches us -- focus on ourselves!!! Acceptance, surrender, and letting go. Once people start doing the work...they will get better.

We see it here, in people who posts on these boards...it becomes about their will, their way, being heard, going on record, about being right, and so on and so on...and it's about them wanting what they want.

Excellent post and topic...thanks Rose!

-- Edited by Bo on Monday 11th of March 2019 11:10:38 AM