so i thought I would write myself a program letter for next time the emotional flashbacks come up.... next time i volunteer at the local food bank. It took me a while to realize what it was that was so hard about it. I was berating myself for just being too tired afterward and for being negative rather than looking at the good...the love that was happening within the "helping" situation. I was noticing all the despair.I was beating myself up so much for not feeling grateful when i left instead of heartbroken and exhausted. (new job there, I was learning a whole new computer system, filing system, what resource education materials to provide in certain circumstances. I was learning all this while clients were coming in in need of these things (on the job training)
Am not there just yet, but I want to be in the place where yes, i have the intention of seeing the half full glass (in that these people are getting help seemingly through people but truly through God's love) but to cut myself a little slack around all the emotions that surfaced for me.
I want the wisdom again of seeing that emotions are not good or bad--just natural especially considering my scary disease experiences with loved ones living on the edge.
It was overwhelming for me. I saw a young addict homeless and filthy dirty stop in while hitch-hiking on a skate board with his sad tired looking pit bull with about 600 miles to go (he represented my son when he was in similar situation). I saw folks with young kids that seemed like al-anonic nervous wrecks (saw my mom & sis in them). I saw recovering people who had lost everything and were just starting over when they lost a job due to transportation failure and no back up funds for a fix. I saw people who seemed a bit high trying to scam the system there and had to address that.
I have such compassion and feel HP has me doing this right now for a reason and yes, it is hard but it has something to offer me and them (and "they" are me in the spiritual sense too) I want to be grateful I am not in these positions---there but the grace of God go I and want to pray for God's love to come through as strong as possible and for these people to feel it and find within them Higher Power's strength courage and desire to overcome everything and anything that feels limiting in their lives. This is a vision I can hold for them in order to feel like a piece of the potential solution rather than part of the problem of seeing only disease/limitation/burn out.
Sadness and shame about my feelings. I don't understand so much of life and its seeming unfairness. Again I feel like I am making this about me and am selfish for dwelling on my sadness. In my diseased conditioning, to feel something more than a day was "dwelling"---but since recovery and having these great tools that help me cope--I am now even less patient; I seem to have shortened it to just thinking it or feeling it for an hr. before the bat comes out. Probably a control strategy because it is slightly easier to beat self up than to feel such strong emotions. I need to ask HP for some additional help with right sizing/accepting my emotions. I can't cause cure or control them either. I was created an emotional being not by me. Surrender AGAIN.
Perhaps I am only seeing a small slice of the truth. In seeing that young kid with the dog---i felt his mother's agonizing worry for him----yet if I think of my son now and how he found sobriety because of going through so much discomfort, "the suffering I want to ease for an addict could be the exact burden that causes them enough pain to get the help that they need and thrive". As our literature says something like this in Courage to Change 12-8
and then on 9/18 says "It is risky to care (i.e. volunteer so closely with suffering people) I may be disappointed but in trying to cut myself off from pain, I may cut myself off from the many delights life offers"
I knew a person in recovery in Al-anon who admitted that after she had sobriety in her home, she addictively looked for the drama to distract her from herself in situations like these. She actually opened a sober house and had ptsd all the time as a result of the revolving door drama that went on. I hope I am not doing something like that by volunteering here once per week. (I am not led to doing it more than that) I hope my motive is to do HP's will, but I am going to stay open if I am only meant to be there a short time or if self care just doesn't include this at some point. Thank you so much in advance for reading this and any responses you have are also welcome. I am gonna read this and response as a kind of hp letter to myself for next week to help me put my head in a clear place around it all.
Many hugs and love for the wisdom I am sure you have to share....Luv123
PS on the funny side: someone at a recent meeting said "when i first heard you all talking about hp so much, I asked myself what is it with these people and Hewlitt Packard?"
hotrod said
Mar 6, 2019
Hello Luv Great post thank you I too saw only the negative when ai first began to practice program. Identifying my defects, and finally seeing them in action as the 4th and 5th step suggests helped me to be willing to have them lifted. Today when i feel myself going to the negative I pray and can see and feel HP's guidance. . Loved the giggle regarding "hp"
Iamhere said
Mar 6, 2019
(((Luv))) - gr8 to see you! I did chuckle out loud about HP (Hewlitt Packard) - that's so funny! I wish you continued growth and courage with your travels - what you are seeing is difficult to see, let alone accept. It's unfortunate, yet very real and I believe it's very natural to have emotional responses to 'it'...
When I work with the indigent and homeless around here, I do make sure I am spiritual ready to just stay present. Focusing on my past or theirs is of no value, as it's already over and can't be changed. We often talk here about being the example of a spiritual being as best we can. Remember that we may be the only smile they see all day (week, etc.) I find it hard to not consider, compare or at least wonder about those I love with this disease and myself as well - why did recovery work for me and others have to continue to trudge. More often than not, when I am working with those who truly have nothing, I end up feeling guilty and confused - grateful after processing that my HP does continue to carry me forward with bumps compared to craters.
So many who don't understand the disease throw shame and blame at those who are suffering. I admit at times, I've gotten frustrated with my own boys for not just trying what's suggested to improve their life/situation/etc. And, I must go back to step one - I am powerless and only one greater than I can restore my sanity. I applaud your service and hope you can get to the 'other side'and enjoy your contribution. Keep coming back - you've been missed!
DavidG said
Mar 6, 2019
Oh what a luvly piece of writing! Poignant.
The part of transportation failure hit home to me. My brother died in the USA late last year... reached the end of the line... ...he really needed to be in a hospital... ...but that was not to be...
...I plan to come back and read over... there is a lot of depth here... thanks. ...
luv123 said
Mar 7, 2019
Thank you Hot Rod, I am Here and David....it meant a lot that you took the time to read and reply....when u do I feel less alone in the struggle or less pleasant part of recovery. I am reminded I am ok + this too shall pass, that it isn't always easy to practice being present to life's challenges....but is always worth it. HP reaches out in so many ways: through you, meetings, literature, words 2 a song. THANK YOU!
JerryF said
Mar 7, 2019
Luv123 you are so wide awake and aware and this is another teaching post for me. You have put so much ESH into it and that has been my teacher since finding the doors of Al-Anon and making up my mind to practice surrender and then the program as was shown to me by the elder fellowship. My former and elder sponsor taught me "rocket science" understanding about emotions. I did the negatives and didn't do them very well and so being emotionally ill for me was normal until I learned to do the "opposites". "If you don't like the feelings you are having, have the opposite ones the positive ones and feel happiness". That sounded so different and yet inviting to me because of the emotional sickness I traveled with daily. "The opposite of frustration is patience" he told me and I decided to practice that and WOW!! right away he was right. "The opposite of anger is acceptance" and another WOW!! I went after the opposites and practice them now daily with no reason to be negative for any length of time. My elder sponsor has passed and I still have great memory. Seems my HP also wants me to have the opposites. Thanks for your ESH. (((((hugs)))))
luv123 said
Mar 9, 2019
Thank you Jerry,
I so appreciate your words about my being aware as well as your e,s & h around emotions. I needed to feel that I was not alone in the discomfort of strong emotions even though intellectually I sure do know this. Geez none of us would rarely be here on MIP if we weren't uncomfortable with strong emotions.
So I guess the opposite of what I was feeling maybe gratitude and hopefulness---will have to pray on that and what it means in this situation. What Iamhere said about being present (rather than vulnerable to the triggers from past) and so doing some additional practice around presence is key before I go to my next shift there.
Bless you!
luv123 said
Mar 12, 2019
I just wanted to share that I went there today and it was much better. I know it was as a result of expressing the emotions through the writing and being "heard" or read by ala-pals, doing an extra bit of meditation before hand and also HP gave me the gift of only doing the hard job of interviewing/cataloging the food bank clients for a small portion of the shift. I got to learn a few other jobs that were less stress inducing for me. So I was willing to show up and got a bonus respite.
Thanks for modeling the process of sharing things so they become halved & then moving forward with a new tool to practice. There are so many program tools that it can be hard to figure which is for which situation sometimes. But keeping on trying them til something works is so helpful. If my only tool is a hammer then every problem is gonna look like a nail to me--lol, that is what i heard an AA guy say once and it stuck.
Thanks for reading,
Luv123
Bo said
Mar 14, 2019
So very glad it's working for you!!! We get better...one day at a time. Keep up the great work!!!
JerryF said
Mar 14, 2019
I just feel giddy and happy when someone else "gets it" because I know what that is and was like for me on this journey. Pass on and back the stuff that works for you so that others can also change and grow. Mahalo Thank You.
Hello Luv Great post thank you I too saw only the negative when ai first began to practice program. Identifying my defects, and finally seeing them in action as the 4th and 5th step suggests helped me to be willing to have them lifted. Today when i feel myself going to the negative I pray and can see and feel HP's guidance. .
Loved the giggle regarding "hp"
When I work with the indigent and homeless around here, I do make sure I am spiritual ready to just stay present. Focusing on my past or theirs is of no value, as it's already over and can't be changed. We often talk here about being the example of a spiritual being as best we can. Remember that we may be the only smile they see all day (week, etc.) I find it hard to not consider, compare or at least wonder about those I love with this disease and myself as well - why did recovery work for me and others have to continue to trudge. More often than not, when I am working with those who truly have nothing, I end up feeling guilty and confused - grateful after processing that my HP does continue to carry me forward with bumps compared to craters.
So many who don't understand the disease throw shame and blame at those who are suffering. I admit at times, I've gotten frustrated with my own boys for not just trying what's suggested to improve their life/situation/etc. And, I must go back to step one - I am powerless and only one greater than I can restore my sanity. I applaud your service and hope you can get to the 'other side'and enjoy your contribution. Keep coming back - you've been missed!
Oh what a luvly piece of writing! Poignant.
The part of transportation failure hit home to me. My brother died in the USA late last year... reached the end of the line... ...he really needed to be in a hospital... ...but that was not to be...
...I plan to come back and read over... there is a lot of depth here... thanks.
...
Luv123 you are so wide awake and aware and this is another teaching post for me. You have put so much ESH into it and that has been my teacher since finding the doors of Al-Anon and making up my mind to practice surrender and then the program as was shown to me by the elder fellowship. My former and elder sponsor taught me "rocket science" understanding about emotions. I did the negatives and didn't do them very well and so being emotionally ill for me was normal until I learned to do the "opposites". "If you don't like the feelings you are having, have the opposite ones the positive ones and feel happiness". That sounded so different and yet inviting to me because of the emotional sickness I traveled with daily. "The opposite of frustration is patience" he told me and I decided to practice that and WOW!! right away he was right. "The opposite of anger is acceptance" and another WOW!! I went after the opposites and practice them now daily with no reason to be negative for any length of time. My elder sponsor has passed and I still have great memory. Seems my HP also wants me to have the opposites. Thanks for your ESH. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you Jerry,
I so appreciate your words about my being aware as well as your e,s & h around emotions. I needed to feel that I was not alone in the discomfort of strong emotions even though intellectually I sure do know this. Geez none of us would rarely be here on MIP if we weren't uncomfortable with strong emotions.
So I guess the opposite of what I was feeling maybe gratitude and hopefulness---will have to pray on that and what it means in this situation. What Iamhere said about being present (rather than vulnerable to the triggers from past) and so doing some additional practice around presence is key before I go to my next shift there.
Bless you!
I just wanted to share that I went there today and it was much better. I know it was as a result of expressing the emotions through the writing and being "heard" or read by ala-pals, doing an extra bit of meditation before hand and also HP gave me the gift of only doing the hard job of interviewing/cataloging the food bank clients for a small portion of the shift. I got to learn a few other jobs that were less stress inducing for me. So I was willing to show up and got a bonus respite.
Thanks for modeling the process of sharing things so they become halved & then moving forward with a new tool to practice. There are so many program tools that it can be hard to figure which is for which situation sometimes. But keeping on trying them til something works is so helpful. If my only tool is a hammer then every problem is gonna look like a nail to me--lol, that is what i heard an AA guy say once and it stuck.
Thanks for reading,
Luv123
I just feel giddy and happy when someone else "gets it" because I know what that is and was like for me on this journey. Pass on and back the stuff that works for you so that others can also change and grow. Mahalo Thank You.