I am lost on what I should be doing. My husband was discharged a week ago from rehab. I went to several meetings while he was there about relapse prevention and felt like I had a general idea on what my part was. Now I am not sure. My husband tells me what he is thinking and then when I give him my thoughts, then he tells me I need to focus on my own recovery. He said AA is not his thing, but basically demands that I go to Alanon meetings. He tells me that I am not suppose to talk to him about his recovery. But I feel like in the sessions I went to, they told we should have an open dialog. I am so confused right now. I am working on my own recovery with counseling and am also reading some books on codependency. I plan on going to some actual alanon meetings also.
Iamhere said
Mar 6, 2019
Naomi - While his delivery might feel rude/neglectful, his message is actually spot on. He needs to focus on his recovery, and you on yours. Whether he goes to meetings or not, drinks or not, recovers or not, Al-Anon suggests we do - go to meetings, put our self/needs first, learn to detach with love, establish boundaries for self-protection, etc.
Just for today, view you and he as separate persons with different goals. I had to find common subjects to have discussions - mean planning, errands, weather, etc. and allow he and I time to come together on the more important/intimate things. When we demand answers for our own well being from others, we are still trying to control and I had that habit bad. It took me time to realize each person, me and others, have the right to process 'life' at different intervals...just because I am ready/willing/able to have a hard discussion doesn't mean anyone else is and vice versa.
So - be gentle with you, focus on your recovery and try to just do one day or moment at a time! You are not alone! Keep coming back and I do encourage you to attend some Al-Anon meetings - that's where I really got support to relearn who I am, what I need and how to get there!
Just FYI - your share posted 3 times - I removed the duplicates...
-- Edited by Iamhere on Wednesday 6th of March 2019 01:14:56 PM
JerryF said
Mar 6, 2019
(((((Naomi))))) Welcome to the board and it is helpful that you have shared your now ESH ((Experiences Strenghts and Hopes)). Newbies are Newbies you don't know what you don't know and for me I had to Sigh and let go of doing and learning too much at one time all the time. IAH has got some very good experience to share...she has time in recovery and shares it well. For me one of the first invaluable tools I learned and got was patience...slow down, listen, learn, practice and the old timers were so good and willing to teach me how and if they didn't or I wouldn't let them I spent many additional hours, days, weeks and months in the pain of this disease of addiction. It was what it was and was what it was supposed to be. My part in the recovery process was duplicating what others had done before me and were willing to share with me. My alcoholic/addict wife had her own trials and tribulations and didn't really have the ESH to teach me very much. She could not teach me about sanity because she and I practiced un-sanity daily together. We both didn't know and didn't know we didn't know. I was glad that my first attendance to Al-Anon came from her sponsor thru her to me as they shared what the disease was like in their lives including experiences that included me also. She was gossiping and I very reluctantly found the front door to a meeting which I kept ignoring for a long time until like you now I started my own search and discover that included a Higher Power greater than me, my alcoholic/addict wife and her sponsor.
I offer you only one of the pearls of wisdom that eventually led to my sanity and sobriety. "Keep coming back...this works when your work it". I continued to work it even without my ex-wife as she continued to drink and use and experience the insanity of addiction. She stayed out for an additional 9 years and my life changed in ways I would never imagine at that time.
Let your Higher Power have your husband and go find a good sponsor; who is willing to share her successes in recovery with you and walk the journey with you also. Keep coming back here too give us what you learn also. (((((hugs)))))
hotrod said
Mar 7, 2019
Welcome - Living with this disease is indeed confusing. Please continue o attend alanon, pick up the literature and absorb the principles you will be fine
SerenityRUS said
Mar 7, 2019
Hugs,
Glad you are here and I hope regardless of what your spouse does or doesn't do you will keep coming back.
Welcome :)
S :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 7, 2019
I too just wanted to welcome you!
I cannot share any positive ESH on living with an addictive spouse (active or recovering), b/c after the second relapse (different substance), I chose not to continue to be on that not so merry-go-round. But I CAN share, give Al-Anon a chance... for YOU. Al-Anon helped me to understand me, what my needs were, & gave me the strength I needed.
Wishing you Peace!
Twinkies said
Mar 7, 2019
Welcome! Im a relative newbie myself so I dont have nearly as much ESH to share as the others. But I do have one nugget I can pass along that has really stuck with me over the past week or so. It was something JerryF said in a post recently. It was along the lines of - when I stopped fighting, I started winning. And even though Im still very early in my recovery, Im finding that to be about as true a statement as there ever was. Before I started my recovery I was trying so hard to fix and control things that are simply not mine to fix and control. All the discussions, all the arguments, all the reassurances I sought from my AH about his drinking were examples of me trying to exert my will upon him. It never brought me peace. Instead it filled me with even more pain and anxiety as I busied myself monitoring him and awaiting the next broken promise, preparing myself to step in yet again. It was emotionally exhausting. Im finding that the peace Ive so desperately sought all these years is only available to me when I stop fighting a war that isnt mine to fight. I have my own battles ahead that I need to prepare for and so I come here, arming myself with as much knowledge and experience as I can. Whether or not he wins his war is on him. Either way, I intend to win mine.
Bo said
Mar 11, 2019
My part in the recover process...OK...whose recovery are you talking about? That is the important question you should answer first. His recovery? Or your recovery? They are two very different questions, and very different answers. Night and day. Apples and bowling balls.
Naomi - While his delivery might feel rude/neglectful, his message is actually spot on. He needs to focus on his recovery, and you on yours. Whether he goes to meetings or not, drinks or not, recovers or not, Al-Anon suggests we do - go to meetings, put our self/needs first, learn to detach with love, establish boundaries for self-protection, etc.
Just for today, view you and he as separate persons with different goals. I had to find common subjects to have discussions - mean planning, errands, weather, etc. and allow he and I time to come together on the more important/intimate things. When we demand answers for our own well being from others, we are still trying to control and I had that habit bad. It took me time to realize each person, me and others, have the right to process 'life' at different intervals...just because I am ready/willing/able to have a hard discussion doesn't mean anyone else is and vice versa.
So - be gentle with you, focus on your recovery and try to just do one day or moment at a time! You are not alone! Keep coming back and I do encourage you to attend some Al-Anon meetings - that's where I really got support to relearn who I am, what I need and how to get there!
Just FYI - your share posted 3 times - I removed the duplicates...
-- Edited by Iamhere on Wednesday 6th of March 2019 01:14:56 PM
(((((Naomi))))) Welcome to the board and it is helpful that you have shared your now ESH ((Experiences Strenghts and Hopes)). Newbies are Newbies you don't know what you don't know and for me I had to Sigh and let go of doing and learning too much at one time all the time. IAH has got some very good experience to share...she has time in recovery and shares it well. For me one of the first invaluable tools I learned and got was patience...slow down, listen, learn, practice and the old timers were so good and willing to teach me how and if they didn't or I wouldn't let them I spent many additional hours, days, weeks and months in the pain of this disease of addiction. It was what it was and was what it was supposed to be. My part in the recovery process was duplicating what others had done before me and were willing to share with me. My alcoholic/addict wife had her own trials and tribulations and didn't really have the ESH to teach me very much. She could not teach me about sanity because she and I practiced un-sanity daily together. We both didn't know and didn't know we didn't know. I was glad that my first attendance to Al-Anon came from her sponsor thru her to me as they shared what the disease was like in their lives including experiences that included me also. She was gossiping and I very reluctantly found the front door to a meeting which I kept ignoring for a long time until like you now I started my own search and discover that included a Higher Power greater than me, my alcoholic/addict wife and her sponsor.
I offer you only one of the pearls of wisdom that eventually led to my sanity and sobriety. "Keep coming back...this works when your work it". I continued to work it even without my ex-wife as she continued to drink and use and experience the insanity of addiction. She stayed out for an additional 9 years and my life changed in ways I would never imagine at that time.
Let your Higher Power have your husband and go find a good sponsor; who is willing to share her successes in recovery with you and walk the journey with you also. Keep coming back here too give us what you learn also. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome - Living with this disease is indeed confusing. Please continue o attend alanon, pick up the literature and absorb the principles you will be fine
Glad you are here and I hope regardless of what your spouse does or doesn't do you will keep coming back.
Welcome :)
S :)
I cannot share any positive ESH on living with an addictive spouse (active or recovering), b/c after the second relapse (different substance), I chose not to continue to be on that not so merry-go-round. But I CAN share, give Al-Anon a chance... for YOU. Al-Anon helped me to understand me, what my needs were, & gave me the strength I needed.
Wishing you Peace!