So, my ex boyfriends ex wife called me today to tell me that he is getting engaged to his new girlfriend, whom he has only been dating for 5-6 months. A part of me was in shock since he claimed he'd never get married and wasn't interested in it EVER again. But, a part of me was grateful that it wasn't me, lol.
Then I sat down and got sad. What was wrong with me that he wasn't willing to commit to marriage to me? And, my mind was all over the place. Sadness, disbelief, frustration, etc all came across my emotions. I am shocked at how easy it was for him to commit this wholly to someone else when we've only been apart since July.
And, I've been with my bf for about the same amount of time and I'm moving slowly, analyzing him and 'us', and appreciating what we actually have. I love my timeline and I'm happy with who I am today.
With all that said, I am soooooooo happy with my life today. My bf isn't perfect but we sure do get along well and I'm happy with my life, in general. Job is great, life is good, I'm healthy and feel good about me and where I'm at. I take pride in my abilities to provide for myself and I'm grateful to my ex boyfriend for pushing me to move forward in my career. I'm finally learning that people come into our lives for a reason and that we are teaching ourselves things as we go along, whether we want to learn them or not!
Hope all is well for all of you! I'm doing great and loving life.
Hugs, B
Mattie said
Feb 26, 2019
Wow, that's big news - and you are handling it with such perspective!
Over the years and way too many experiences, I've found that it's true, what they say, about how the first 5-6 months are the soppy falling-in-love idealized time, and the next 6 months are the time you learn who the real person is. And after that it's more revelations and more and more. Getting engaged while you're still in that first honeymoon period - well, as the saying goes, 'Marry in haste, repent at leisure.'
But I know it always feels weird when someone is all unhealthily impulsive about other people, but never is tempted to plunge into a relationship with me!
Sometimes I think I ought to hire myself out as "How to find your true love," because I'm always the one the men go out with just before they meet the person they marry. Lol.
But as for bets on who's going to end up in the healthiest relationship, the person who takes it carefully will always be the winning bet, is my thought.
Glad things are going so well for you!
andromeda said
Feb 26, 2019
Thanks Mattie! I never heard that saying you mentioned but it made me chuckle. Hey, to each their own, but just thinking about all of it made me so grateful I got out. Because, from very early on I knew we just weren't compatible. I had needs which he couldn't meet and maybe this new woman has different needs which match him better? Who's to say, right?
Things like this make me look backward, though. I find myself analyzing what we had and where things went wrong and that really bugs me. Hopefully, this will be short-lived for me and I can put my focus on the here and now and where I want to be in my future.
A friend of mine at work was just telling me that she and her mom joke about how every guy she dates winds up marrying the next girl he dates after her. She said she thinks she's cursed, lol. She'll get a kick out of my story when I get to the office later today.
Have a great day!
Temple said
Feb 26, 2019
Hey Girl--
My first thought was, "Maybe she's rich." The man does seem to be a lot about the Benjamins.
Then as I read about your reaction, I thought, "I bet there isn't a man on the planet who would have that conversation with himself." Maybe "Wow! What's wrong with her that she'd prefer some dweeb to me?" Or "Now that miffs me off!" Or, "Dodged that bullet--better him than me."
Many of us are trained to please, and to be responsible for all our relationships. Glad you came out on the other side of the moment you were having there.
Temple
PosiesandPuppies said
Feb 26, 2019
Nice to see your smiling face, Andromeda!
I am sure the news was a shock, but keep writing out your Gratitude List to unstick you. I am sure that his new woman is much more pliable... much easier to lie to... in other words, she's his patsy/enabler. It couldn't work out with you, not because anything was wrong with you, but b/c you have found your STRENGTH, your WORTH, and know you want QUALITY in a relationship!
I see nothing wrong with that! 'Nuff said!
Wishing you Peace!
Iamhere said
Feb 26, 2019
(((Andromeda))) - you've been missed! So glad to hear things are going so well for you! I am one who had to learn to not trust that first thought that floats into my mind. I would love to say that I am in a perpetual state of happy, joy, free and my thoughts are all about roses and puppy dogs but --- oh so . not . the . case!
My sponsor explained that it's our thinking most affected by this disease. Directly or indirectly, we distort thoughts and more often than not, they are negative/attacking first. It is still sometimes my 'go-to' first thoughts, which is where the Pause, Pray, Proceed pops in! I too am all about the gratitude lists as well as asset lists and affirmations in my prayer/meditation. When I pause long enough to consider the facts vs. the fiction in my first reaction, I do see, feel and believe that I am loving, lovable and deserving. Our HP wants what is best for us and so long as I am moving forward and doing the next right thing, all is and will be well. I have come to appreciate the phrase, "The Best is Yet to Come" in recovery as it's no longer an empty platitude - it seems to be real so long as I am willing to take action in support of living my best life.
In my family, I have 3 Aunts who lost their Husband (dead, divorce, divorce/dead). They never remarried - only 1 dated again. I am sure religion plays into all this, but they were content, happy, peaceful ladies and 2 still are today! I have 2 Uncles who lost their spouse (death) and they were hooked up and married quickly. I have no judgment at all yet it seems in my family, the men 'need' a gal more than the gals 'need' a man....just sayin'!
You, my friend are more than enough. You, my friend deserve joy, serenity and happiness always. Sometimes, we just have to accept that this is not a good match - person, job, location, etc. You are probably where you are supposed to be! (((Hugs)))
andromeda said
Feb 26, 2019
Thank you, everyone! I'm doing great honestly. Wish I could say the same about my son, but that's a different story. He's 20 and trying to 'find himself' but I find his efforts to be lazy and he's using his anxiety as an excuse to take action. I am trying to give him space and yet, gently push. UGH....parenting is not for the weak.
My boss gave me a glowing review for my annual review last week. Now, I keep joking with my friends that I have nothing to strive for. Actually, I"m planning on taking more exams for further certifications at work later this year. Not looking forward to months of study, but it means more income and I need it.
As I said before, my bf and I are doing great. I've learned so much about myself and what I need from being with him. He's expanded my friends' circle, treats me well and makes sure we have 1 great date night a week and then we fill the rest of our time with hiking, off roading, spending time with friends, or just cooking together and hanging at home. Things with him are just easy.
Anyway, I'm already past the whole thing with my ex boyfriend. I know him. She probably doesn't yet. And, maybe there's just a perfect couple. Who knows!?
2HP said
Feb 27, 2019
I am coming in a bit late but wanted to offer that I totally relate, my mind does this too.
For me, "the feeling of rejection" can sneak in, triggering me momentarily because it's one of the "effects" of alcoholic relationships...
he had given so much attention to countless other things outside of the relationship, that I developed faulty thinking and painful conclusions about my self.
But what happens inside US has nothing to do with what's going on outside. I am inspired by how you kept yourself and your attitudes under your watchful eye, then caught your thinking....
"Wait a minute.......... my life is pretty great!!"
LOL
That is "recovery".... I love it!
Aloha said
Mar 1, 2019
I'm glad that you know you're enough. I can relate that I, too, fall into the sick thinking that other people's actions around me are what indicate to me whether I am worthy or not.
I'm reminded over and over again and again that alcoholism is a spiritual disease, and though I personally do not have the compulsion to drink like the alcoholic, I still share the same disease of alcoholism, and when I put it into the context of its being a spiritual disease, that means I'm not putting God - HP - first in my life and trusting that I'm in the care of an amazing, loving being, to whom I AM enough.
One thought I had through reading your share was that pain likes to spread itself around. Your ex's ex apparently was feeling some pain and decided to drop it into your lap. I have to be careful around people like that. I'm reminded that we're all doing the best we can at any given moment, but that some people's "best" is unfortunately harmful to me and I need to establish some boundaries around those people.
I hope the current day you're having is going much more serenely.
Mattie said
Mar 2, 2019
"Parenting is not for the weak" - truer words were never spoken!
tiredtonite said
Mar 2, 2019
Hi Andromeda,
Sounds like you've truly come through the other side concerning this your exbf. Now you can pray for his fiance' and be glad you aren't her. You remember... you grew a backbone where the wishbone once was and he didn't like it. Now you actually sound genuinely happy and it sounds like you have someone who is not an instant gratification person and willing to take the new relationship one day at a time. It's easy to marry someone after just a few months while in the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship. Most of that is projecting that the person is all you've dreamed and what could be better than that?! The joke in Alanon is that it's the "chili pepper affect." < you're hot! lol
Definitely sounds like he was in your life for some some lessons hp had for you and as you point out some gifts as well. You went through a lot of angst with him but also helped you see your own potential. It nice when we can move on and find gratitude for what others brought to our lives rather than only see the dark side.
Great to read you are doing well and moved on and away from the drama of being involved with him. ((hugs))) TT
andromeda said
Mar 2, 2019
Hey, TT, you said something so important. I had a lot of angst with him, but I tried to accept it and just figure it was my fate because I loved him. But, even though I loved him, I think I loved the idea of him more and of what he was trying to construct with me as his business partner, etc. It was all part of his plan and I fell for it.
Today, I have no angst. I've never been in a relationship where I can just be myself and not feel judged or criticized. My current bf and i have some sarcastic banter but it is never hurtful and it's fun, more than anything. I have no plans to live with a man any time soon. He and I like the way our lives are constructed and we're both just happy with 'us', and that says a lot. I may not know what love actually feels like or looks like to me, but I can say that I have a great guy whom I care about so much, and I've always felt i was a priority to him. We both see a future together even if things stay the same between us for years to come. It's very refreshing to just be comfortable with no big fears looming in my head. He's a big part of that.
tiredtonite said
Mar 5, 2019
Very glad for you. You have a relationship with someone who is sharing your life now rather than insisting he be your life. You sound so much more serene now. You deserve it! ((hugs))) TT
Hello everyone,
So, my ex boyfriends ex wife called me today to tell me that he is getting engaged to his new girlfriend, whom he has only been dating for 5-6 months. A part of me was in shock since he claimed he'd never get married and wasn't interested in it EVER again. But, a part of me was grateful that it wasn't me, lol.
Then I sat down and got sad. What was wrong with me that he wasn't willing to commit to marriage to me? And, my mind was all over the place. Sadness, disbelief, frustration, etc all came across my emotions. I am shocked at how easy it was for him to commit this wholly to someone else when we've only been apart since July.
And, I've been with my bf for about the same amount of time and I'm moving slowly, analyzing him and 'us', and appreciating what we actually have. I love my timeline and I'm happy with who I am today.
With all that said, I am soooooooo happy with my life today. My bf isn't perfect but we sure do get along well and I'm happy with my life, in general. Job is great, life is good, I'm healthy and feel good about me and where I'm at. I take pride in my abilities to provide for myself and I'm grateful to my ex boyfriend for pushing me to move forward in my career. I'm finally learning that people come into our lives for a reason and that we are teaching ourselves things as we go along, whether we want to learn them or not!
Hope all is well for all of you! I'm doing great and loving life.
Hugs, B
Wow, that's big news - and you are handling it with such perspective!
Over the years and way too many experiences, I've found that it's true, what they say, about how the first 5-6 months are the soppy falling-in-love idealized time, and the next 6 months are the time you learn who the real person is. And after that it's more revelations and more and more. Getting engaged while you're still in that first honeymoon period - well, as the saying goes, 'Marry in haste, repent at leisure.'
But I know it always feels weird when someone is all unhealthily impulsive about other people, but never is tempted to plunge into a relationship with me!
Sometimes I think I ought to hire myself out as "How to find your true love," because I'm always the one the men go out with just before they meet the person they marry. Lol.
But as for bets on who's going to end up in the healthiest relationship, the person who takes it carefully will always be the winning bet, is my thought.
Glad things are going so well for you!
Things like this make me look backward, though. I find myself analyzing what we had and where things went wrong and that really bugs me. Hopefully, this will be short-lived for me and I can put my focus on the here and now and where I want to be in my future.
A friend of mine at work was just telling me that she and her mom joke about how every guy she dates winds up marrying the next girl he dates after her. She said she thinks she's cursed, lol. She'll get a kick out of my story when I get to the office later today.
Have a great day!
My first thought was, "Maybe she's rich." The man does seem to be a lot about the Benjamins.
Then as I read about your reaction, I thought, "I bet there isn't a man on the planet who would have that conversation with himself." Maybe "Wow! What's wrong with her that she'd prefer some dweeb to me?" Or "Now that miffs me off!" Or, "Dodged that bullet--better him than me."
Many of us are trained to please, and to be responsible for all our relationships. Glad you came out on the other side of the moment you were having there.
Temple
Nice to see your smiling face, Andromeda!
I am sure the news was a shock, but keep writing out your Gratitude List to unstick you. I am sure that his new woman is much more pliable... much easier to lie to... in other words, she's his patsy/enabler.
It couldn't work out with you, not because anything was wrong with you, but b/c you have found your STRENGTH, your WORTH, and know you want QUALITY in a relationship!
I see nothing wrong with that! 'Nuff said!
Wishing you Peace!
My sponsor explained that it's our thinking most affected by this disease. Directly or indirectly, we distort thoughts and more often than not, they are negative/attacking first. It is still sometimes my 'go-to' first thoughts, which is where the Pause, Pray, Proceed pops in! I too am all about the gratitude lists as well as asset lists and affirmations in my prayer/meditation. When I pause long enough to consider the facts vs. the fiction in my first reaction, I do see, feel and believe that I am loving, lovable and deserving. Our HP wants what is best for us and so long as I am moving forward and doing the next right thing, all is and will be well. I have come to appreciate the phrase, "The Best is Yet to Come" in recovery as it's no longer an empty platitude - it seems to be real so long as I am willing to take action in support of living my best life.
In my family, I have 3 Aunts who lost their Husband (dead, divorce, divorce/dead). They never remarried - only 1 dated again. I am sure religion plays into all this, but they were content, happy, peaceful ladies and 2 still are today! I have 2 Uncles who lost their spouse (death) and they were hooked up and married quickly. I have no judgment at all yet it seems in my family, the men 'need' a gal more than the gals 'need' a man....just sayin'!
You, my friend are more than enough. You, my friend deserve joy, serenity and happiness always. Sometimes, we just have to accept that this is not a good match - person, job, location, etc. You are probably where you are supposed to be! (((Hugs)))
My boss gave me a glowing review for my annual review last week. Now, I keep joking with my friends that I have nothing to strive for. Actually, I"m planning on taking more exams for further certifications at work later this year. Not looking forward to months of study, but it means more income and I need it.
As I said before, my bf and I are doing great. I've learned so much about myself and what I need from being with him. He's expanded my friends' circle, treats me well and makes sure we have 1 great date night a week and then we fill the rest of our time with hiking, off roading, spending time with friends, or just cooking together and hanging at home. Things with him are just easy.
Anyway, I'm already past the whole thing with my ex boyfriend. I know him. She probably doesn't yet. And, maybe there's just a perfect couple. Who knows!?
For me, "the feeling of rejection" can sneak in, triggering me momentarily because it's one of the "effects" of alcoholic relationships...
he had given so much attention to countless other things outside of the relationship, that I developed faulty thinking and painful conclusions about my self.
But what happens inside US has nothing to do with what's going on outside. I am inspired by how you kept yourself and your attitudes under your watchful eye, then caught your thinking....
"Wait a minute.......... my life is pretty great!!"
LOL
That is "recovery".... I love it!
I'm reminded over and over again and again that alcoholism is a spiritual disease, and though I personally do not have the compulsion to drink like the alcoholic, I still share the same disease of alcoholism, and when I put it into the context of its being a spiritual disease, that means I'm not putting God - HP - first in my life and trusting that I'm in the care of an amazing, loving being, to whom I AM enough.
One thought I had through reading your share was that pain likes to spread itself around. Your ex's ex apparently was feeling some pain and decided to drop it into your lap. I have to be careful around people like that. I'm reminded that we're all doing the best we can at any given moment, but that some people's "best" is unfortunately harmful to me and I need to establish some boundaries around those people.
I hope the current day you're having is going much more serenely.
"Parenting is not for the weak" - truer words were never spoken!
Hi Andromeda,
Sounds like you've truly come through the other side concerning this your exbf. Now you can pray for his fiance' and be glad you aren't her. You remember... you grew a backbone where the wishbone once was and he didn't like it. Now you actually sound genuinely happy and it sounds like you have someone who is not an instant gratification person and willing to take the new relationship one day at a time. It's easy to marry someone after just a few months while in the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship. Most of that is projecting that the person is all you've dreamed and what could be better than that?! The joke in Alanon is that it's the "chili pepper affect."
< you're hot! lol
Definitely sounds like he was in your life for some some lessons hp had for you and as you point out some gifts as well. You went through a lot of angst with him but also helped you see your own potential. It nice when we can move on and find gratitude for what others brought to our lives rather than only see the dark side.
Great to read you are doing well and moved on and away from the drama of being involved with him. ((hugs))) TT
Today, I have no angst. I've never been in a relationship where I can just be myself and not feel judged or criticized. My current bf and i have some sarcastic banter but it is never hurtful and it's fun, more than anything. I have no plans to live with a man any time soon. He and I like the way our lives are constructed and we're both just happy with 'us', and that says a lot. I may not know what love actually feels like or looks like to me, but I can say that I have a great guy whom I care about so much, and I've always felt i was a priority to him. We both see a future together even if things stay the same between us for years to come. It's very refreshing to just be comfortable with no big fears looming in my head. He's a big part of that.
Very glad for you. You have a relationship with someone who is sharing your life now rather than insisting he be your life. You sound so much more serene now. You deserve it! ((hugs))) TT