I feel at the end of my rope. My son is suffering our end of this disease, enmeshed with a friend who has an eating disorder. He is 18, not drivers license, won't do school work, won't help around the house, and spends all day either chatting with his friend, or watching YouTube. I'm about at the end of my patience. He fights with me constantly, threatens his little brother and sister, is disruptive to the entire house all day. The last couple times I came home at night from town, I sat in the car dreading going into the house to the fight to get him to get offline and go to bed. He has a little one room cabin to himself. The rest of us are in the house that is one big long room, no doors to close. When he sits up all night, he keeps me up and I have not time to myself to unwind and decompress. I finally put a timer on the router so i don't have to turn it off myself because he was taking advantage of my trying to be polite and telling him when I was turning it off. He kept begging to leave it on, or a few more minutes.
I'm having trouble with my neck and back, and now a twitch in my eyelid. My massage therapist told me today it was from clenching my jaw.
This has to stop. I'm so stressed that it's affecting my health and my mind feels like mush.
I'm so tired.
Bo said
Feb 25, 2019
Nothing changes if nothing changes. So, you have to change.
This is a perfect example of something where you should talk to your sponsor. You are the parent. You are the one to make decisions, decisions that stand. As far as the rest -- school work, helping around the house, etc. -- he will have to figure that out on his own. There should be consequences if he won't do what he is supposed to do, contribute, etc.
Talk to your sponsor, make some changes, and implement them. All the best.
el-cee said
Feb 25, 2019
I don't know if this helps but I had to set boundaries with my youngest son. I had to think carefully about the battles that I was fighting with him and work out the ones that were important for me and the majority of the household and let go of others. I stopped nagging so when i said something once I allowed some time then I took the action. I would turn off internet or take cables away and removed the xbox numerous times. To show I meant business I took it out the house and left it at my friends house. He got the message quite soon but not really through anything I said but it was the actions I took. I believe our program asks us to avoid reacting but to calmly and quietly respond and that is powerful. I've had to ask both sons to leave the family home. The first through drinking and the second through drugs. I had to take a stand and claim the household I wanted. It's not easy. Some folks go through the teenage years and come out the other side relatively unscathed but this disease I believe adds something just that bit harder to it.
Bo said
Feb 25, 2019
Be careful, boundaries as we know them in program -- and ultimatums, if/then, and the like -- are very different.
I am all for consequences. I am all for taking a stand. I am all for the parent being the decision maker who sets rules of a household.
Jen said
Feb 25, 2019
Thank you both. I'm in need of a sponsor again. Our local meeting closed and I do not have a sponsor right now. I think that might be part of my problem. No regular meeting anywhere close to me has been a real challenge. I just can't drive 1 1/2 hours every week for a meeting.
I am reacting way too much. I know it. And it isn't helping. I give in when I'm tired and he knows how to push, one minute nice, the next mean, whatever he needs to get his way.
It hurts, too. I'm trying hard not to take it all personally and let my feelings be hurt. It's not really about me.
Bo said
Feb 25, 2019
Start the telephone meetings!!! Go to the Alanon World Services website (WSO), and find the telephone meetings!!!
HALT -- when you are hungry, angry, lonely, and tired...that's when we are fragile, vulnerable, when we slip, when we get ourselves into trouble!
Lean into your program!!!
Don't make it about him and what he does...FOCUS ON YOU AND WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.
Acceptance. Detach. Both physical and emotional. Don't engage/participate. Let it go.
Bo said
Feb 25, 2019
If you can't make face to face meetings...in my experience...the next best thing is telephone meetings!!!
Iamhere said
Feb 25, 2019
(((Jen))) - so, so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I can so relate - to all, but especially the not wanting to go into the house as I knew that a battle would probably happen. Leaning into the program was where I found the strength and courage to impose house rules, boundaries and consequences. I have since put both of my boys out and found even more peace. It's so hard when it's our child as we end up giving away our power and wondering what we did wrong for them to be as they are. We did nothing wrong - I am far from a perfect parent/person, yet I do now and always have done the best I could and it's good enough.
A big change for me came when I realized I was way more concerned about their future, their 'record', their health, etc. than they were. I wanted so bad for them to 'succeed' that I was willing to sacrifice myself. I too suffered physically and ended up knowing I had to make changes, big and small, or it was not going to end well.
If F2F meetings are not an option, the online meetings here are very good. I prefer online to telephone as it's easy to step away if the house calls for it (my house was full of interruptions with school age kids, homework, activities, carpool planning, etc.) If/when I have to step away, when I return, I can scroll up and catch up and not miss any ESH. I did 2 a days here for a while when I could not get out and it helped propel me forward.
Any meeting, phone, online, etc. is better than no meeting at all. Keep coming back here too - you really are not alone. Big (((Hugs))) - I had to learn that letting them follow their own path, and fall down, was what was necessary for them to learn/move forward. Trust me when I say they ventured down a few dead ends and it's not been easy but God does not have grandchildren!! You got this!!
JerryF said
Feb 25, 2019
Ahhhh Jen you bring up memories for me back when I worked as a Behavioral Health Counselor with adults and adolescents as clients. Of course the adolescents were on the panic stricken end of the program because of the alcohol and drug and behavioral health problems. The Parents at first were terribly grief and anger stricken with the Dads bringing in lots of anger and rage too. Even as negatively affected as they were the parents continued to use enabling behaviors and then scream and yell and cry and make resentful promises they never fulfilled until....they met me and then the whole thing changed. I didn't make promises I would not keep or act on and I had assets they feared using at first.
I use to work up responses with the parents in the counseling room with the kid in participation which at times got them quiet and on edge which worked at times. At other times they laughed me off with a dare which wasn't a problem as their parents had assigned me legal authority to go beyond what they had never done at home. I had a teen one night, a female, that made a threatening remark to me during group where I told the group I was excusing myself for 10 minutes "please go on with the discussion". I left the room and came back in 10 minutes with her mom crying fearfully and other kids thinking she got away with something. Ten minutes later there was a knock on the counseling room door and I again left the room closing the door quickly behind me and then a few minutes later reopened the door widely and led two county police officers in. I addressed the young lady and told her to rise with her mother that she needed to address "an issue of threat with the officers" and they took her with them into another room. There were tears of sadness and fear from the mother and daughter and she was booked to county jail and then released to an all woman's recovery home/program to do that program. I diagnosed her as not being qualified to be out in the open/public without recovery and better behavior control. I sat on the board of the women recovery home program and after appropriate time she called me to thank me for what was done and told me she liked the woman's home very very much.
I use to encourage my parents to find and use whatever services they could to help them have a safe home life and they did. I had a reputation with the teens and I didn't honk any horns. I didn't have to do what their parents did or didn't do, I could do what worked. I loved everyone of them and this was proof of it.
Reach out...talk to other helpful services alone. Find out what is available for you to used which you have already paid for. With peace of mind and serenity ((((hugs))))
SerenityRUS said
Feb 27, 2019
Jen,
Big hugs, I think it's super hard today with kids for the simple fact of when do they actually grow up .. when is the magic number and some how as a society it seems childhood lasts long into adulthood. I think about the fact how unprepared I was and still am from time to time and yet other people I know had adult children and even grand kids at my age all I can think is whatever .. and how does someone do that?! LOL.
My experience with my oldest has taught me that I have not prepared either of my kids to be an actual adult since I am totally struggling in that arena. I kept trying to protect them so much that now they are having training wheels galore and I have enabled a few bad habits.
So I have reframed my parenting and while I do have an adult living in my house .. he pays no rent, no bills and has a full time job with the goal of moving back to school next semester. The one thing that happened that was huge for me was learning to let go and figuring out the line between my sanity and what was "helping". He's paying for his own college. He's paying off the few loans he took out thankfully not much. He will go back to college with zero debt.
I am super proud of my oldest, he's got a full time job, he's figuring out this adult stuff is hard and yet worth it. He's got his own life goals. He knows what direction he's going. Had he not fallen down the way he did I don't know that I would have gotten it. No one tells you the hardest part of parenting is letting go completely and allowing kids to fall down without putting the cushion under them. He's taught me more about parenting in the past year than I really understood while he was a minor. I will be a rockstar grandparent .. LOL.
It's come with discomfort for both of us. Boundaries. A little yelling a lot of loving and even more acceptance. My son understands that the door in our home swings both ways .. while he's more than welcome to visit .. he doesn't have to live there. He knows that with the benefit of no bills comes a whole lot help around the house. He doesn't have the same freedoms that other kids his age has .. however he has proven at that time he couldn't cope with it and even he admits that he felt so out of control.
He doesn't drive and now we are going to work on that .. lol ... the excitement .. NOT of it all. The point is he's figuring it out and I don't have to draw a line for him to do so.
I just encourage you to take care of you. Get back into your program. Find out what works and doesn't in your home. Kids really are resilient and they will figure it out. Mine has been told by his friends don't move out if that's what it takes .. it's a very small price to pay for no debt.
This is a perfect example of something where you should talk to your sponsor. You are the parent. You are the one to make decisions, decisions that stand. As far as the rest -- school work, helping around the house, etc. -- he will have to figure that out on his own. There should be consequences if he won't do what he is supposed to do, contribute, etc.
Talk to your sponsor, make some changes, and implement them. All the best.
I am all for consequences. I am all for taking a stand. I am all for the parent being the decision maker who sets rules of a household.
HALT -- when you are hungry, angry, lonely, and tired...that's when we are fragile, vulnerable, when we slip, when we get ourselves into trouble!
Lean into your program!!!
Don't make it about him and what he does...FOCUS ON YOU AND WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.
Acceptance. Detach. Both physical and emotional. Don't engage/participate. Let it go.
A big change for me came when I realized I was way more concerned about their future, their 'record', their health, etc. than they were. I wanted so bad for them to 'succeed' that I was willing to sacrifice myself. I too suffered physically and ended up knowing I had to make changes, big and small, or it was not going to end well.
If F2F meetings are not an option, the online meetings here are very good. I prefer online to telephone as it's easy to step away if the house calls for it (my house was full of interruptions with school age kids, homework, activities, carpool planning, etc.) If/when I have to step away, when I return, I can scroll up and catch up and not miss any ESH. I did 2 a days here for a while when I could not get out and it helped propel me forward.
Any meeting, phone, online, etc. is better than no meeting at all. Keep coming back here too - you really are not alone. Big (((Hugs))) - I had to learn that letting them follow their own path, and fall down, was what was necessary for them to learn/move forward. Trust me when I say they ventured down a few dead ends and it's not been easy but God does not have grandchildren!! You got this!!
Ahhhh Jen you bring up memories for me back when I worked as a Behavioral Health Counselor with adults and adolescents as clients. Of course the adolescents were on the panic stricken end of the program because of the alcohol and drug and behavioral health problems. The Parents at first were terribly grief and anger stricken with the Dads bringing in lots of anger and rage too. Even as negatively affected as they were the parents continued to use enabling behaviors and then scream and yell and cry and make resentful promises they never fulfilled until....they met me and then the whole thing changed. I didn't make promises I would not keep or act on and I had assets they feared using at first.
I use to work up responses with the parents in the counseling room with the kid in participation which at times got them quiet and on edge which worked at times. At other times they laughed me off with a dare which wasn't a problem as their parents had assigned me legal authority to go beyond what they had never done at home. I had a teen one night, a female, that made a threatening remark to me during group where I told the group I was excusing myself for 10 minutes "please go on with the discussion". I left the room and came back in 10 minutes with her mom crying fearfully and other kids thinking she got away with something. Ten minutes later there was a knock on the counseling room door and I again left the room closing the door quickly behind me and then a few minutes later reopened the door widely and led two county police officers in. I addressed the young lady and told her to rise with her mother that she needed to address "an issue of threat with the officers" and they took her with them into another room. There were tears of sadness and fear from the mother and daughter and she was booked to county jail and then released to an all woman's recovery home/program to do that program. I diagnosed her as not being qualified to be out in the open/public without recovery and better behavior control. I sat on the board of the women recovery home program and after appropriate time she called me to thank me for what was done and told me she liked the woman's home very very much.
I use to encourage my parents to find and use whatever services they could to help them have a safe home life and they did. I had a reputation with the teens and I didn't honk any horns. I didn't have to do what their parents did or didn't do, I could do what worked. I loved everyone of them and this was proof of it.
Reach out...talk to other helpful services alone. Find out what is available for you to used which you have already paid for. With peace of mind and serenity ((((hugs))))
Big hugs, I think it's super hard today with kids for the simple fact of when do they actually grow up .. when is the magic number and some how as a society it seems childhood lasts long into adulthood. I think about the fact how unprepared I was and still am from time to time and yet other people I know had adult children and even grand kids at my age all I can think is whatever .. and how does someone do that?! LOL.
My experience with my oldest has taught me that I have not prepared either of my kids to be an actual adult since I am totally struggling in that arena. I kept trying to protect them so much that now they are having training wheels galore and I have enabled a few bad habits.
So I have reframed my parenting and while I do have an adult living in my house .. he pays no rent, no bills and has a full time job with the goal of moving back to school next semester. The one thing that happened that was huge for me was learning to let go and figuring out the line between my sanity and what was "helping". He's paying for his own college. He's paying off the few loans he took out thankfully not much. He will go back to college with zero debt.
I am super proud of my oldest, he's got a full time job, he's figuring out this adult stuff is hard and yet worth it. He's got his own life goals. He knows what direction he's going. Had he not fallen down the way he did I don't know that I would have gotten it. No one tells you the hardest part of parenting is letting go completely and allowing kids to fall down without putting the cushion under them. He's taught me more about parenting in the past year than I really understood while he was a minor. I will be a rockstar grandparent .. LOL.
It's come with discomfort for both of us. Boundaries. A little yelling a lot of loving and even more acceptance. My son understands that the door in our home swings both ways .. while he's more than welcome to visit .. he doesn't have to live there. He knows that with the benefit of no bills comes a whole lot help around the house. He doesn't have the same freedoms that other kids his age has .. however he has proven at that time he couldn't cope with it and even he admits that he felt so out of control.
He doesn't drive and now we are going to work on that .. lol ... the excitement .. NOT of it all. The point is he's figuring it out and I don't have to draw a line for him to do so.
I just encourage you to take care of you. Get back into your program. Find out what works and doesn't in your home. Kids really are resilient and they will figure it out. Mine has been told by his friends don't move out if that's what it takes .. it's a very small price to pay for no debt.
Hugs it gets better .. it's not always easy. S :)