Well, all is fairly well guys considering the big picture. The problem is, I often don't consider the big picture when I forget to work a program. That being said, I'm married now for over 4 years, with my husband for 8 years. We have a great life with 7 pets and this year I celebrated 10 years sober also. This life is so different than when I was drinking and in dysfunctional relationship with another alcoholic. It is like night and day. I do have choices now. There have been some hardships in the last couple of years. Mainly, the substance abuse treatment market has shrunk in Florida and that has led to fierce job competition. I have been fired from 2 jobs in 2 years and my pay is almost 20k less than it used to be. Mind you, I have all my needs met, my husband makes a lot more than me and always has, and I still am making almost twice what I made before I got sober. BUT - here is the neuroses. I thought that every year you were sober, or in alanon, EVERYTHING was supposed to keep getting better because that is how it really was going. I keep thinking I am failing and it is hard to be humble. I don't run a program and I am just a counselor now. That even sounds super snotty typing it "just a counselor." In actuality I am better in that role because power goes to my head (obviously). I redid the steps even to surrender to the notion that I'd been getting emotionally drunk off power and status for a while. So, currently, I have a job where by chance, most of the clients are older alcoholics. I have always said this is my favorite rehab client (yeah - I work in rehabs by the way). These clients are way more receptive to help than the typical rehab client which is a 20 some year old heroin addict that is much harder to convince into adopting a life style in recovery. But - the nagging thought - "I should be making what I used to. I should be making more money. I should be a director." I even have a job interview lined up to be a director for a large prison substance abuse reentry program that would be a slight raise but I know that my ego thinks that is a good idea and most of those clients will not really care about getting clean and sober (probably). Life lessons that are humbling are good but I hate them too. My current boss actually knows me cuz she took me with her from the last job and has stated "it would be nice if you could live somewhere between "I'm garbage" and "I rule at life." Yeah...that would be nice.
So, yes, I know tools and slogans and "I'm shoulding all over myself" and so on and so forth. I guess in spewing forth the neuroses in groups like this, I find my peace. I do have a program now. Still a hot mess at times. Nothing like it was, but i wish that step 2 "restored to sanity" thing did not require ongoing work lol.
Lyne said
Feb 25, 2019
Hi pink chip- Glad you have found your way back to us. I certainly wish I was all better after having nearly 6 yrs in alanon, but I know for sure Im not going to be cured. With work and luck I can feel better much of the time. Because I have lived with this disease for so many years, my go to place is illness without alanon.
Your share is so honest. Keep coming back-you can have your serenity again, Lyne
JerryF said
Feb 25, 2019
Aloha Pink and welcome back. The insanity leaves me concerned and still I know it is yours not mine. I recently got called out while openly inviting a newbie to take advantage of the fellowship in my home group. The female member who called me out said "Jerry Stop"!! while I was giving the invitation which launched me into a mental recitation of our, "When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help...I want the hand of AA to always be there and for that...I am responsible". I questioned myself and my motives and methods and let it go...turned it over. It was done the newbie was welcomed and had her Big Book and I still wasn't the king of recovery even with pieces of my recent milestone celebration cake still on hand.
I was taught that keeping myself humble was to remain teachable in spite of the positions and money and even notoriety. None of that ever got my clients and sponsee clean and sober or serene and sane yet often was a threat to my own recovery. EGO "Easing God Out when turned around becomes for me OGE...Offering God Entry" and that is first on my to do list on every morning.
Don't STOP!! Pink...you have real gifts to offer whether you get paid materially or spiritually. Congratulations on the gifts you have been receiving. Your life seems full.
Welcome back ((((hugs))))
Temple said
Feb 25, 2019
Hi Mark--
So glad to see you. The Board is always better when you are around, somehow.
Hope you put up some pictures of the animals.
Men are some of my favorite people--always have been. And I sometimes feel great sympathy for them because it can't be easy going through life as a testosterone-based lifeform.
And I know you will figure it out. I bet you are a terrific counselor when you have a client who is willing to listen.
Hugs,
Temple
JerryF said
Feb 25, 2019
Temple....LOLOLOLOL.
Temple said
Feb 25, 2019
Jerry,
I am so glad you can appreciate the humor, because you are one of the ones I think of when I get that image. So kind, gentle, intelligent, but sometimes.....
Hugs!
Iamhere said
Feb 25, 2019
Good to see you Pink - congrats. on the sobriety, the ongoing marriage and generally living 'life on life's terms'. If you ever do find the secret to ongoing sanity with little effort, share - I'm down for that!
I appreciate your honesty - it's not always easy to set aside the ego and pride and remember that we're imperfect humans still fighting the disease - directly or indirectly. I do know that for me, what keeps me closest to the center is to do my daily 'things' without fail. I really, really am one that needs that daily reminder of who I am, where I am and how I got here from there....not to mention who I hope to become.
Keep coming back - I agree with above - it's always better when you're able to hang with us. I too love animal family so hope you can share some photos when time allows! Keep coming back - you've been missed!
hotrod said
Feb 25, 2019
Hi Mark certainly missed you, your wisdom and humor. Your honesty is refreshing I assure you that after many years in program my life completely fell apart and I had to rebuild from the beginning. Thanks to the alanon tools I was able to do so with H P;s help. You sound as if you are doing the dame. Please do keep coming back
el-cee said
Feb 25, 2019
Good to see you here. I have no wisdom for you as feel like a complete beginner but wanted to say hello and I've missed you x
tiredtonite said
Feb 25, 2019
Welcome back, good to see you again! Yep... all no professionals here. All recovering one day at a time. Keep coming back. You're worth it! ((hugs)) TT
Jen said
Feb 25, 2019
Thank you for your share. I am struggling with ego myself, I think. I often don't realize that. I'm glad you can see it in yourself.
Marriage after recovery can be quite a challenge, but wonderful. I'm happy that you are doing it so well. As for the job, it sounds like you know where you want to work, but the money or position has its lure. It's something we all kind of struggle with. Hang in there, though. Recovery isn't always better and better, but it sure beats the alternative.
~jen
Mattie said
Feb 26, 2019
Hi, Pinkchip, so good to see you!
You mean to say things DON'T steadily improve in a straight line after we go into recovery? Wait a darn minute! I've been lied to!
I don't mean to seem as if I'm making fun of your assumption, because I have it too. I feel like, "Hard things? MORE hard things?? After what I've been through? Is this fair????"
I know this doesn't help, what I'm about to say, and I don't mean to be all dismissive, like "Just cheer up! Could be worse, y'know!"
But my A died of alcoholism this year. And how I wish he were around and making any amount of money at all, at any job at all.
Mark, I am so glad you are still around, and that you triumphed and made it into recovery and held on and are out there living and doing things.
Hang in there. Wishing you every good thing.
Choriste said
Feb 26, 2019
I think my husband could have written your post, pinkchip. He battles the "shoulds" too sometimes - all the wasted years, all the thankless clients... He feared going into counseling because of others he'd seen lose their serenity and fall victim to ego - it's just hard. He's been going to a lot more meetings lately and I try to make sure the coffeepot is always ready to turn on when he gets home. (My little way of saying I love you...)
Thanks for sharing.
SerenityRUS said
Feb 26, 2019
Big hugs Pink!!!
I am so glad to see you back here!! This all sounds relatively normal (whatever that actually means) in terms of where do I go from here if this is it. I would think that being "just" a counselor would be a breath of fresh air especially given not dealing with actual teenagers which are their own animal by rights. I'm just coming from the work that I do.
Don't people constantly look for "something more" given when there is dissatisfaction or perceived dissatisfaction happening? I know I struggle with a new norm. No crazy dysfunction although there is dysfunction it's not running at 1000% full lasers blazing and constant chaos. I find I need to go and create it so I can feel better. That's a crazy thought to have isn't it?? That feels better than actually having to sit in my discomfort of something different. The newer norm, the healthier norm, :)
Anyway, I am so glad you are back and hope to see you around I have missed you a great deal and thought often about reaching out!!
Hugs S :)
Jill said
Feb 27, 2019
(((Pink))) great to see you.
I like doing the organization's real work (not the administration part). I'm better suited to it. The money is less, but for me the real pay was more.
I could think I would have a good impact on my clients, my co-workers, etc. Well, most days.
That was my real pay.
Comparison is the thief of joy! (TR)
So you're still sober? Congrats!
mamalioness said
Mar 1, 2019
((((((((Temple)))))))))))))))) LOLOLOL.....too funny what you said
and Mark: I feel the same way, last 2 years, this 2019 , especially, my work has SUCKED....slow, making less then my already crappy wages....WHERE is the beef??? of the program??? WHERE is MY "things will get better as you get more emotionally sober???" Program gives NO guarantees of physical improvement, the crap storms of life will still hit, just as often, just as bad, but I have better ways of coping even if it means step 3, walking away.....so yea, I hear ya and its good to see you back posting......I'm Rose, by the way!! LOL, its been a while, but I am glad your needs are being met...Even in my crappy situation, SOMEHOW my needs are getting met.....Go figure!!!!
Well, all is fairly well guys considering the big picture. The problem is, I often don't consider the big picture when I forget to work a program. That being said, I'm married now for over 4 years, with my husband for 8 years. We have a great life with 7 pets and this year I celebrated 10 years sober also. This life is so different than when I was drinking and in dysfunctional relationship with another alcoholic. It is like night and day. I do have choices now. There have been some hardships in the last couple of years. Mainly, the substance abuse treatment market has shrunk in Florida and that has led to fierce job competition. I have been fired from 2 jobs in 2 years and my pay is almost 20k less than it used to be. Mind you, I have all my needs met, my husband makes a lot more than me and always has, and I still am making almost twice what I made before I got sober. BUT - here is the neuroses. I thought that every year you were sober, or in alanon, EVERYTHING was supposed to keep getting better because that is how it really was going. I keep thinking I am failing and it is hard to be humble. I don't run a program and I am just a counselor now. That even sounds super snotty typing it "just a counselor." In actuality I am better in that role because power goes to my head (obviously). I redid the steps even to surrender to the notion that I'd been getting emotionally drunk off power and status for a while. So, currently, I have a job where by chance, most of the clients are older alcoholics. I have always said this is my favorite rehab client (yeah - I work in rehabs by the way). These clients are way more receptive to help than the typical rehab client which is a 20 some year old heroin addict that is much harder to convince into adopting a life style in recovery. But - the nagging thought - "I should be making what I used to. I should be making more money. I should be a director." I even have a job interview lined up to be a director for a large prison substance abuse reentry program that would be a slight raise but I know that my ego thinks that is a good idea and most of those clients will not really care about getting clean and sober (probably). Life lessons that are humbling are good but I hate them too. My current boss actually knows me cuz she took me with her from the last job and has stated "it would be nice if you could live somewhere between "I'm garbage" and "I rule at life." Yeah...that would be nice.
So, yes, I know tools and slogans and "I'm shoulding all over myself" and so on and so forth. I guess in spewing forth the neuroses in groups like this, I find my peace. I do have a program now. Still a hot mess at times. Nothing like it was, but i wish that step 2 "restored to sanity" thing did not require ongoing work lol.
Your share is so honest. Keep coming back-you can have your serenity again, Lyne
Aloha Pink and welcome back. The insanity leaves me concerned and still I know it is yours not mine. I recently got called out while openly inviting a newbie to take advantage of the fellowship in my home group. The female member who called me out said "Jerry Stop"!! while I was giving the invitation which launched me into a mental recitation of our, "When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help...I want the hand of AA to always be there and for that...I am responsible". I questioned myself and my motives and methods and let it go...turned it over. It was done the newbie was welcomed and had her Big Book and I still wasn't the king of recovery even with pieces of my recent milestone celebration cake still on hand.
I was taught that keeping myself humble was to remain teachable in spite of the positions and money and even notoriety. None of that ever got my clients and sponsee clean and sober or serene and sane yet often was a threat to my own recovery. EGO "Easing God Out when turned around becomes for me OGE...Offering God Entry" and that is first on my to do list on every morning.
Don't STOP!! Pink...you have real gifts to offer whether you get paid materially or spiritually. Congratulations on the gifts you have been receiving. Your life seems full.
Welcome back ((((hugs))))
So glad to see you. The Board is always better when you are around, somehow.
Hope you put up some pictures of the animals.
Men are some of my favorite people--always have been. And I sometimes feel great sympathy for them because it can't be easy going through life as a testosterone-based lifeform.
And I know you will figure it out. I bet you are a terrific counselor when you have a client who is willing to listen.
Hugs,
Temple
Temple....LOLOLOLOL.
I am so glad you can appreciate the humor, because you are one of the ones I think of when I get that image. So kind, gentle, intelligent, but sometimes.....
Hugs!
I appreciate your honesty - it's not always easy to set aside the ego and pride and remember that we're imperfect humans still fighting the disease - directly or indirectly. I do know that for me, what keeps me closest to the center is to do my daily 'things' without fail. I really, really am one that needs that daily reminder of who I am, where I am and how I got here from there....not to mention who I hope to become.
Keep coming back - I agree with above - it's always better when you're able to hang with us. I too love animal family so hope you can share some photos when time allows! Keep coming back - you've been missed!
Welcome back, good to see you again! Yep... all no professionals here. All recovering one day at a time. Keep coming back. You're worth it! ((hugs)) TT
Hi, Pinkchip, so good to see you!
You mean to say things DON'T steadily improve in a straight line after we go into recovery? Wait a darn minute! I've been lied to!
I don't mean to seem as if I'm making fun of your assumption, because I have it too. I feel like, "Hard things? MORE hard things?? After what I've been through? Is this fair????"
I know this doesn't help, what I'm about to say, and I don't mean to be all dismissive, like "Just cheer up! Could be worse, y'know!"
But my A died of alcoholism this year. And how I wish he were around and making any amount of money at all, at any job at all.
Mark, I am so glad you are still around, and that you triumphed and made it into recovery and held on and are out there living and doing things.
Hang in there. Wishing you every good thing.
Thanks for sharing.
I am so glad to see you back here!! This all sounds relatively normal (whatever that actually means) in terms of where do I go from here if this is it. I would think that being "just" a counselor would be a breath of fresh air especially given not dealing with actual teenagers which are their own animal by rights. I'm just coming from the work that I do.
Don't people constantly look for "something more" given when there is dissatisfaction or perceived dissatisfaction happening? I know I struggle with a new norm. No crazy dysfunction although there is dysfunction it's not running at 1000% full lasers blazing and constant chaos. I find I need to go and create it so I can feel better. That's a crazy thought to have isn't it?? That feels better than actually having to sit in my discomfort of something different. The newer norm, the healthier norm, :)
Anyway, I am so glad you are back and hope to see you around I have missed you a great deal and thought often about reaching out!!
Hugs S :)
I like doing the organization's real work (not the administration part). I'm better suited to it. The money is less, but for me the real pay was more.
I could think I would have a good impact on my clients, my co-workers, etc. Well, most days.
That was my real pay.
Comparison is the thief of joy! (TR)
So you're still sober? Congrats!
and Mark: I feel the same way, last 2 years, this 2019 , especially, my work has SUCKED....slow, making less then my already crappy wages....WHERE is the beef??? of the program??? WHERE is MY "things will get better as you get more emotionally sober???" Program gives NO guarantees of physical improvement, the crap storms of life will still hit, just as often, just as bad, but I have better ways of coping even if it means step 3, walking away.....so yea, I hear ya and its good to see you back posting......I'm Rose, by the way!! LOL, its been a while, but I am glad your needs are being met...Even in my crappy situation, SOMEHOW my needs are getting met.....Go figure!!!!