Today was my birthday. My parents remembered. So did my best friend. My kids didnt remember but theyre teenagers so I wasnt upset over that. AH didnt acknowledge it either. It didnt bother me at first as its a weekday and I assumed hed say or do something once he got home for the evening. But he didnt. And I found myself becoming angry and hurt by it as the evening went on. Even more so when he showed me a gift he bought for himself today. Its just one more example of how self-absorbed he truly is. So in order to get away and make some time for myself, I declared a fend for yourself night for dinner. Then I locked myself in the bathroom, lit some candles, grabbed a book and soaked in the tub for an hour. Ive also decided to call a local spa tomorrow and schedule a facial and massage for this weekend. All things I love but rarely do for myself. And as I soaked in the tub, planning and envisioning my spa day, I realized that the very best gift I could give myself was to let go of the anger I was feeling for AH. And so I did. I took a deep breath, and when I let it out, all of the hurt and tension that came with my unacknowledged birthday just...left. Im learning, ever so slowly, to let go of any expectations. I can accept love and consideration from others when it is given without the expectation of it. I dont need AH to make me feel loved and worthy. Those are things I can give to myself and I can show myself those things best when Im not wasting emotional energy being angry over things I cant control.
JerryF said
Feb 19, 2019
Twinkies ...what a winner of a post. That is exactly how we work it exactly!! And it is covered in that part of the Serenity Prayer, "The courage to change the things I can".
It works when we work it and helps others when we give it away. Thanks so much. ((((((hugs))))))
Oh and of course Happy Birthday in Hawaiian...Hau`oli la hanau
-- Edited by JerryF on Tuesday 19th of February 2019 12:25:44 AM
Iamhere said
Feb 19, 2019
(((Twinkies))) - Happy Belated Birthday to you! I too am inspired by your share - I also see tons of acceptance and program in action. Way to go girl - way to go! (((Hugs)))
2HP said
Feb 19, 2019
Wow!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO (((YOU)))
I hope you will enjoy the fruits of that practice again and again!!!
Please consider submitting this amazing grace to Al-Anons Forum magazine (((warm hugs)))
Freetime said
Feb 19, 2019
Belated Happy Birthday (((Twinkies))) -- thank you for sharing with us what recovery looks like! It makes me smile to imagine you pampering yourself and releasing expectations. Enjoy it to the fullest!
PosiesandPuppies said
Feb 19, 2019
WOW! JUST WOW!
What an amazing post of YOUR self-discovery and GROWTH!!!
Thank you for sharing your ESH on how you handled what is usually considered a pretty big slight in a marriage... newcomers will see this and know that there is a different way to handle this! One that honors THEM.
And of course, Happy Belated Birthday! I am a Feb. baby as well, and will be enjoying my birthday all alone at the spa (facial and massage)!!! I will sit and smile and think of you!!!
Peace, my program friend!
Twinkies said
Feb 20, 2019
Thank you all for your thoughts and feedback. Growth is hard but it sure feels good! AH realized this morning that he forgot. Instead of apologizing, he was irritated that I didnt tell him he forgot. I just looked at him and told him that it wasnt my responsibility to remind him of these things. Then I carried on with my morning and he left for work, still irritated. He can blame me all he wants. That doesnt mean I have to accept that blame. If he feels bad, thats on him.
PosiesandPuppies said
Feb 20, 2019
WAY 2 GO, Twinkies! Now THAT is how you handle the alcoholics trick of "throwing it back at you!"
Iamhere said
Feb 20, 2019
(((Twinkies))) - I often refer to my guys as the 'teflon team' - nothing sticks here! I don't know how much is disease vs. who they are but I get same responses around here most days. What has changed though is when I don't react or buy into the 'drama' of it all, most of the time, they will come around in their own time frame and apologize....This has been one positive result of working recovery, focusing on me and staying on my side of the street...
Bo said
Feb 20, 2019
Happy Birthday!
Sounds like you were able to focus on you and what you needed to do to "get better" and "get healthy" and all for YOU.
In my experience, most people "speak" program, and they "recite" or "regurgitate" program, and they know program...but they just don't get it, I mean get it and live it. Practice these principles in all our affairs. I also don't think that people connect the dots from whatever anger, resentment, wanting to be right, etc., that they have...and getting better, getting healthy. The former can prevent the latter...and we don't realize it.
DavidG said
Feb 20, 2019
Happy Birthday Twinkle... ...
Yes Bo... one day at a time... one time at a time... getting into the present was extremely difficult for me. It did take a fair bit of time. I was deeply hurt- as we all are.
Then one day- wow... we are ready to join the human race... ...and often that journey begins- in the rooms, somewhere... ...
Bo said
Feb 20, 2019
No doubt David. As Nelson Mandela said, and I've heard it quoted in the rooms of alanon hundreds of times...
(Holding onto Anger and) Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.
We start with ACCEPTANCE...and we learn about the Three A's...awareness, acceptance, and action.
I love hearing about the breakthroughs and successes.
Twinkies ...what a winner of a post. That is exactly how we work it exactly!! And it is covered in that part of the Serenity Prayer, "The courage to change the things I can".
It works when we work it and helps others when we give it away. Thanks so much. ((((((hugs))))))
Oh and of course Happy Birthday in Hawaiian...Hau`oli la hanau
-- Edited by JerryF on Tuesday 19th of February 2019 12:25:44 AM
I hope you will enjoy the fruits of that practice again and again!!!
Please consider submitting this amazing grace to Al-Anons Forum magazine (((warm hugs)))
What an amazing post of YOUR self-discovery and GROWTH!!!
Thank you for sharing your ESH on how you handled what is usually considered a pretty big slight in a marriage... newcomers will see this and know that there is a different way to handle this! One that honors THEM.
And of course, Happy Belated Birthday! I am a Feb. baby as well, and will be enjoying my birthday all alone at the spa (facial and massage)!!! I will sit and smile and think of you!!!
Peace, my program friend!
WAY 2 GO, Twinkies! Now THAT is how you handle the alcoholics trick of "throwing it back at you!"
Sounds like you were able to focus on you and what you needed to do to "get better" and "get healthy" and all for YOU.
In my experience, most people "speak" program, and they "recite" or "regurgitate" program, and they know program...but they just don't get it, I mean get it and live it. Practice these principles in all our affairs. I also don't think that people connect the dots from whatever anger, resentment, wanting to be right, etc., that they have...and getting better, getting healthy. The former can prevent the latter...and we don't realize it.
Happy Birthday Twinkle...
...
Yes Bo... one day at a time... one time at a time... getting into the present was extremely difficult for me. It did take a fair bit of time. I was deeply hurt- as we all are.
Then one day- wow... we are ready to join the human race... ...and often that journey begins- in the rooms, somewhere...
...
(Holding onto Anger and) Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.
We start with ACCEPTANCE...and we learn about the Three A's...awareness, acceptance, and action.
I love hearing about the breakthroughs and successes.