Hi Everyone
I'm working through some feelings after confronting a guy in my meeting about inappropriate behavior towards me. I have set a boundary with him and been clear but he is attention seeking and continues to ignore my personal boundary. Another member confronted him recently with our district director. The following week he acted out in the same manner toward her again. With the district director unavailable, this member was willing to be present with me when I made it clear to this guy that I wanted the behavior to stop. I restated my boundary and that he had continued to ignore it. I also made clear that his physical closeness to me in the most recent situation was inappropriate as were comments. In relation to that I made it clear that I come to meeting for recovery only, he needs to respect my personal boundaries and that I no longer want any direct communication from him and he is to keep physical distance from me. I told him I don't feel he is a safe person. He said, "I'm a nice guy!" I said, "I don't like you, stay away from me." I said that was it, got my coat on the other woman and I left together.
I have no regrets about taking care of myself. I just feel sad that I had tough up in order to put an end to this finally. I found both our district director and the other woman making excuses for him and saying they didn't think he was really conscious of his behavior. Yet only a week later he acted out in a similar manner towards this woman smirked and said he hoped she didn't see it as inappropriate. She told me he had told her in the meeting with the district director that she should let him know if he does something. She told me she had been uncomfortable and let him know. Honestly, I think this just another form of manipulation and attention seeking for a verbal spanking if he misbehaves. It's her deal, her recovery and if she is choosing to continue to dance with him at our meeting and be distracted that truly isn't my business.
I do have hope that I will be left in peace now. I feel a sense of relief from reasserting my personal
boundaries to this guy. I know the icky feeling will pass. The other woman sees this guy as more of a victim than someone who knows what he is doing. She has a right to her opinion. The Alanon slip for me is in feeling bad that she may see me as less for not handling this situation in a gentler way like her. But really I'm not exactly obsessing over this. I was true to myself without assassinating his character. I took no personal jabs just called him out about being inappropriate. At the end of the day, I face my hp who will be the judge of my words, thoughts and actions. I think my higher power will be OK with me. I will say a prayer for this guy and all at our meeting that it can be a safe place for recovery. Thanks for letting me share. This has been a rough one for me. ((hugs)) TT
hotrod said
Feb 18, 2019
Sounds as if you "Said what you meant and meant what you said" good work TT. It takes practice to learn how to draw a boundary with courage and dignity.
mamalioness said
Feb 18, 2019
Hey tired, you did a good job. We always second-guess ourselves and doubt ourselves and that kind of goes with the norm because we were taught that, but trust me you did a great job. I wouldve handled it in exactly the same way
Iamhere said
Feb 18, 2019
(((TT))) - So very, very sorry you got a 'friend' that is undesired. I have had that happen twice in 31+ years - by where they did not hear me the first time when I stated my boundary. It happened in each side - AA & Al-Anon and was very uncomfortable. Huge kudos to you for restating your boundary and firmly making your point.
Keep doing you and keep working it - you got this and you done great!
JerryF said
Feb 19, 2019
TT you can bring the incident up in a business meeting and get a vote on it and yes you can have him in that meeting or not...the final vote gets applied. (((hugs)))
2HP said
Feb 19, 2019
Call a group conscience about hypocrisy and wrong motives in the rooms and expect that will be fixed?" LOL My experience is it'll be denied or at best, chalked up to "we are not saints."
Better for me to remember that my "problems" come to my door for a reason, not to overcome anything outside of myself but something inside. This problem appears to have come to TT's door again and again so from where I sit, HP was using him as an instrument to develop or strengthen TTs character.
You taking care of YOU by ROARING like a lion against evil makes me smile from ear to ear!!! (evil by my definition is the "enjoyment" of wrongdoing)
Your post got even better for me!
You then follow up this experience by embracing your god-given RIGHT to handle this in the manner that you did -- despite the disapproval of your friend, and no ordinary friend, a program peer!
wow
wow
wow
singled out and standing blissfully alone with your HP --
THAT is powerful.
tiredtonite said
Feb 20, 2019
Thank you (((everyone))) for your wisdom, love and support. A few days have passed and I am at peace with this. My hope is that I will no longer have that ill at ease feeling in my meeting place wondering not if but when this individual will impose himself into my personal space. Our DD is aware and was supposed to bring this up in a general way. She personally told me this. That has not happened as yet but I remain optimistic that she will see this through for the health of our group. She told me that she had observed behaviors from this guy towards women at times that she was uncomfortable with. So far, she has taken her discomfort no further than expressing it to me. And lets remember what may put me ill at ease or the DD, may be perfectly acceptable to someone else. It just may be where those two people are at in their recovery. Who am I to judge or attempt to rescue another meeting member or my whole group for that matter. My job is and continues to be ME. I am happy to contribute to a group conscience process. I see this guy interacting with others and they voice that they are uncomfortable to him directly. However, they giggle when stating they are uncomfortable. Here being direct is almost considered rude. I am originally from a part of the country where being direct is not only a way of life but considered honest. It really save a lot of time that people don't frankly have in their daily lives. It's acceptable and appreciated. So I am hoping to have my meeting back for a focus on my own recovery. I have always been one to stay in my own hula hoop at my meetings. This didn't come overnight but thankfully I am not longer hyperfocused on what others are doing unless it is directly affecting me. I am much more tolerant of how others do things concerning meeting decisions. As long as we keep it Alanon what is the big deal. There will always be basket watchers, door watchers, super service workers, super sponsors and those who disagree just because they can. Honestly, at least for me these things don't matter, the message of Alanon is what I show up for not drama. This man has a higher power and our group is a group of adults who have free will. Anyone who feel affected by him in a negative way will take care of themself. Those who actually like the attention will continue to interact with him in that manner. It's progress for me to not feel personally responsible for others just myself. If asked, I would say no that kind of behavior would not be acceptable to me without ever saying I had such an experience with him as well. Because with each person I believe anyway it is about how it feels for YOU. I claim to know no other person's mind only my own and even that I question at times. It's what keeps me coming back to learn and become healthier.
I love our program and am currently weighing a related professional opportunity. I am deep into the process now, been selected, have only to get through one more group of people. If that goes well, there will be an offer. I am trying to come down from the pink puffy cloud of optimism of believing that it will somehow be less dysfunctional than the typical workplace. I worry a little about how these expectations vs reality might affect my view of my recovery and recovery in general down the road. I continue to pray about this as my recovery has never had such a diffinitive connection to paid employment. My hp will put me where I am meant to be I suppose. It's just on my mind and I needed to voice it and let it go.
Thanks you for being here and for your caring responses. I'm grateful to be on this journey with you. ((hugs))) TT
Sounds as if you "Said what you meant and meant what you said" good work TT. It takes practice to learn how to draw a boundary with courage and dignity.
Keep doing you and keep working it - you got this and you done great!
TT you can bring the incident up in a business meeting and get a vote on it and yes you can have him in that meeting or not...the final vote gets applied. (((hugs)))
Better for me to remember that my "problems" come to my door for a reason, not to overcome anything outside of myself but something inside. This problem appears to have come to TT's door again and again so from where I sit, HP was using him as an instrument to develop or strengthen TTs character.
You taking care of YOU by ROARING like a lion against evil makes me smile from ear to ear!!! (evil by my definition is the "enjoyment" of wrongdoing)
Your post got even better for me!
You then follow up this experience by embracing your god-given RIGHT to handle this in the manner that you did -- despite the disapproval of your friend, and no ordinary friend, a program peer!
wow
wow
wow
singled out and standing blissfully alone with your HP --
THAT is powerful.
Thank you (((everyone))) for your wisdom, love and support. A few days have passed and I am at peace with this. My hope is that I will no longer have that ill at ease feeling in my meeting place wondering not if but when this individual will impose himself into my personal space. Our DD is aware and was supposed to bring this up in a general way. She personally told me this. That has not happened as yet but I remain optimistic that she will see this through for the health of our group. She told me that she had observed behaviors from this guy towards women at times that she was uncomfortable with. So far, she has taken her discomfort no further than expressing it to me. And lets remember what may put me ill at ease or the DD, may be perfectly acceptable to someone else. It just may be where those two people are at in their recovery. Who am I to judge or attempt to rescue another meeting member or my whole group for that matter. My job is and continues to be ME. I am happy to contribute to a group conscience process. I see this guy interacting with others and they voice that they are uncomfortable to him directly. However, they giggle when stating they are uncomfortable. Here being direct is almost considered rude. I am originally from a part of the country where being direct is not only a way of life but considered honest. It really save a lot of time that people don't frankly have in their daily lives. It's acceptable and appreciated. So I am hoping to have my meeting back for a focus on my own recovery. I have always been one to stay in my own hula hoop at my meetings. This didn't come overnight but thankfully I am not longer hyperfocused on what others are doing unless it is directly affecting me. I am much more tolerant of how others do things concerning meeting decisions. As long as we keep it Alanon what is the big deal. There will always be basket watchers, door watchers, super service workers, super sponsors and those who disagree just because they can. Honestly, at least for me these things don't matter, the message of Alanon is what I show up for not drama. This man has a higher power and our group is a group of adults who have free will. Anyone who feel affected by him in a negative way will take care of themself. Those who actually like the attention will continue to interact with him in that manner. It's progress for me to not feel personally responsible for others just myself. If asked, I would say no that kind of behavior would not be acceptable to me without ever saying I had such an experience with him as well. Because with each person I believe anyway it is about how it feels for YOU. I claim to know no other person's mind only my own and even that I question at times. It's what keeps me coming back to learn and become healthier.
I love our program and am currently weighing a related professional opportunity. I am deep into the process now, been selected, have only to get through one more group of people. If that goes well, there will be an offer. I am trying to come down from the pink puffy cloud of optimism of believing that it will somehow be less dysfunctional than the typical workplace. I worry a little about how these expectations vs reality might affect my view of my recovery and recovery in general down the road. I continue to pray about this as my recovery has never had such a diffinitive connection to paid employment. My hp will put me where I am meant to be I suppose. It's just on my mind and I needed to voice it and let it go.
Thanks you for being here and for your caring responses. I'm grateful to be on this journey with you. ((hugs))) TT